hoesomeheaven-blog

[hoesomeheaven-blog]

I am usually not a crier, not because I don’t like it or I think it is weak. I am past that. but in tough situations like visiting migrant families or seeing the conditions of clinic in Myanmar I hold it together. I know my tears do nothing for them. But y’all I deadass got diagnosed with chikungunya a few days ago and I do not think I have ever been in so much pain. I cried multiple times in the hospital while my Thai mom tried to comfort me. I couldn’t move when I woke up (it causes sever joint and muscle pain/loss of movement). I tried to walk but I literally couldn’t. They had to pick me up because I couldn't walk through the river. I’ve had the worst fever of my life for the past three days along with terrible headaches. My throat is swollen and I began throwing up when they brought me back to the hotel. I am literally red, my skin color is now red. My hands and feet are bruised and I can’t shower because it burns the rash I have all over my body. yes ALLLLLLL over :/ I still can’t walk right my body hurts so much. Im deadass on bed rest. They have to bring me food but I haven’t eaten. Im usually not a complainer but wtf I lowkey have felt this much in pain due to a sickness. I was living in a migrant village and had to leave halfway through my stay to go to the hospital and I felt so guilty. My family was so sad I was leaving. Everyone who is still in the village keeps telling me my burmese dad is drunk all the time and talks about me and my mom cries. I hope I recover enough to be able to say bye to them.

[hoesomeheaven-blog]

I have worked so hard over the past 2 1/2 years to become emotionally intelligent, explore myself, and become better. So fuck the person who just called me unemotional

[hoesomeheaven-blog]

Some day!!!

I do not always want to be on my own or do everything by myself. Independence is admirable, but I’m learning how beautiful dependence is. That word sounds scary and ugly tbh. But I’m learning how to rework my mind to not think about it in that way. I really don’t want to be alone forever. And I’m not even saying that I’m only a romantic way, this applies to my friendships too. I don’t always want to be alone and I don’t want strength and independence to be REQUIRED of me at all times

One day, I want to be loved unconditionally, cherished, wanted, respected, and taken care of. I want to trust and love enough to have this happen for me.

I owe it to myself to demand this from anyone who wants to be in my life. I will no longer accept, tolerate, or praise mediocrity in my life. I will be loved the way I love. I will be respected that way i respect others. The energy and emotion I put out to the world will be reciprocated!!!! I do not need to ask people to act right, they just need to cuz they want to. I will start teaching people how they are allowed to treat me, and I will no longer accept below average relationships/friendships/partnerships. One day this will happen to me. I’m not in any kind of rush, but I don’t want to always be alone in life

[hoesomeheaven-blog]

Beyond grateful for my twin flame. Where would I be without your energy grounding me every step of the way? You have shown me peace, balance, and optimism. And to these two beautiful spirits that have come in contact with mine, I am eternally grateful. Justin, thank you for touching my heart. Jon, thank you for providing me with the realest friendship I’ve had.

[hoesomeheaven-blog]

no love for us

Im trying to face my demons. and for me, that starts with being able to show people who i really am. i hope i can learn to open up more. i hope i can welcome every feeling with open arms. i wrote this shit. it’s raw but whatever. lowkey trigger warning cuz this not some optimistic shit so, sorry 

This guilt I feel is greater than worry I have about feeding my baby brother his next meal 

I just want out, or do I want them in? 

Do I want my family to leave south central and think this is what it means to win

Do I want them to learn about their mental, health and how wealth doesn’t equal happiness but a safe neighborhood and food on the table does 

This is the sequel to what my life was suppose to be 

I wasn’t suppose to make it out because nobody is

We’re just suppose to sit here and take it until we get taken, bang you’re done 

I sit here all high and mighty while my family is over there acting like this is fair to them and to me. To all of us minorities 

I didn’t choose to be born into this but here I am 

Going to school in Westwood living this fake life like I’m not from the hood 

Like my life isn’t based on the trigger of a gun

There’s no love for us ghetto children

Better to keep this world from us, to stay hidden 

I should have stood where I belonged

everyday Im reminded that these spaces weren’t created for my people

i wish they could be 

i sit and study genes or some bullshit 

stay in my apartment, straight pretending like this shit is okay

whenever i think everything is okay, something else hits. 

like damn when is enough, enough? 

you shoot, i hide the gun 

the words weigh a ton. i bite the fucking bullet 

my life flashed before my eyes this summer

i hate to say this but this aint the first that’s happened, bummer

this is just the first time I cared

I finally have something to lose

my education has fused into my life, and it has the power to change everything 

put my hands behind my back, didn’t move i swear 

i thought damn there goes our chance, im sorry everyone

when i try to get out im pulled back in

i don’t wanna leave but i don’t want to stay 

i feel like someone is about to end my free trial in this simulation

say “we were just kidding” and take me back to my block

tell me to find work and to have some kids

scream at me to repeat the generations before me 

relay to me to stop thinking im better than what I am 

verbalize that I need to know my place

voice to me that im not shit here 

im barely starting to feel again

but then im reminded of why i never could in the first place

20 years later im being rushed with the emotions 

why didn’t you want me? why couldn’t you stop? what did i do? i miss you 

i feel emotions, i can’t look at my face

i couldn’t cry and sometimes i promise i tried 

but thats the game haha. shit won’t ever change 

my life is like a movie to others 

Something to learn about and discover

it aint fucking easy 

Leave me the fuck alone and worry about your own damn mothers

this shit should end with something uplifting but I’m not at that point

i need the ugliness and the instability even tho i hate it 

talk is cheap and words don't mean shit 

Won’t trust myself til I complete all my plans and get myself out 

will i see tomorrow? 

shit will turn out just fine, at some point

i just hope i don’t call it quits before i get to that point

some way, some how I’ll find peace 

I’ll face my demons and stop hiding who i am 

scared that people will see the real me and dip out my life like bam

I’m real to myself. But if I can’t be real to others, doesn’t that really show how real I am?

[hoesomeheaven-blog]

WOW

sad i just found out everyone is back on tumblr. hi 

also my profile pic makes me realize i missss my JP @han-hannah <3 you get a special hi bb 

[hoesomeheaven-blog]

Reflection

At the beginning of this quarter I was being attacked for being cold hearted left and right. I took that to heart because this is something I have always struggled with. I don’t know how to express my emotions very well. But I have grown so much so to hear people still comment on that was hard. I thought I had grown immensely but I guess not. However I see now just how much more I was able to grow. I am still exploring myself and I am probably more confused than before but it’s okay. I am still figuring things out and hopefully at some point it’ll be a little clearer.

I also wanted to be a better sister. I think I have done a good job. I haven’t been in contact with much people this quarter but I have been with my baby brother and that is the most important. I want to be there for him so much and I want to be the best sister ever. He is my inspiration for everything and I want to give him the world.

As far as professionally, I have been able to keep my promise. I have been working on my resume and professionalism all quarter. I feel so much better professionally than I did this quarter. I also got a headshot for linked in now so yay! Everything is slowly coming together.

[hoesomeheaven-blog]

Day 44- May 29, 2018

okay so I am actually stressed as fudge. Fudge like the chocolate fudge, lots of it. I don't even know what I am saying. I stood up all night last night and I need to stay up all night again tonight. THIS IS GONNA BE SO FUN YAY. Even if I stay up, I don't think I will get everything I need get done, done. Oh boy. Yeah boi. This should be interesting. 

[hoesomeheaven-blog]

Day 43- May 28, 2018

I have food poisoning. AGAIN. I am very upset because I was in bed all morning half dead. I was suppose to be productive, but nope. My head is killing me now but at least I stopped throwing up. My neck and back (lol) still hurt from capture the flag. I just feel like my body is going against me. I CANT DO THIS. IM TIYAD. 

[hoesomeheaven-blog]

Day 42- May 27, 2018

I stood up pretty late last night scrap booking! It was honestly so much fun. I remember when I was younger, my mom loved to scrapbook. We had so many scrapbooks and baby books. Mine was definitely the prettiest and the biggest, since I am the only girl. I remember when my baby brother was born, she let me make my own scrapbook for him. Scrapbooking and collaging are two things that are so fun and therapeutic for me. I love making the pages and seeing it come to life. Gabe and I are an undefeated duo with our cute lil pages. But the entire thing is coming out so beautiful! 

[hoesomeheaven-blog]

Day 41- May 26, 2018

Everyone sending snaps of their dogs is lowkey making me hella sad. Today I found out one of my dogs passed away. I didn’t even know she was sick... I have been so out the loop and so unconcerned with things that weren’t UCLA related. I dislike that I have become that way this quarter. At least I was able to spend the day at home. But now I am back at school, and I feel so ehh about it. I honestly wish I could spend the entire weekend at home. I miss my lil babygirl. 

[hoesomeheaven-blog]

Dear Big <3,

Here goes some more simp shiiiiii that you love so much. I swear you like a child. YOU’RE ANNOYINGGGGGGGG. Jk but I think I started saying this to you day 1. Not going to lie, I was so damn excited when I seen you were my big. I feel like me and you, we just kinda go. I am so happy because I feel like I can relate to you very much. Although our personalities are pretty different, they’re also pretty similar. I can vibe with you on a different level, which I am grateful for. It makes me happppppy knowing you’re someone I can mess with and won’t leave me hanging when I start dancing out of no where. Since day 1, you were right there hyping me up no matter what I did LOL. I remember hearing your ass yell when I was taking pics at Big Lil reveals and I was like aw yeah its him.

Thank you for all the food and boba and food and food and more food! I swear all we did was eat AYE. I appreciate all that and the food, and you encouraging me to try new things. But straight up, I just wanna say thanks for always being there. Knowing that I have someone in my corner means a lot. You are always checking up on me and looking out for me. You offer me all types of advice and I am so grateful for that.  I think you spoil me with attention and care whenever you’re around. I appreciate you letting me call or text you whenever, which is basically all the time. 

Whenever I have not seen you in awhile imy!! Everyone is tired of me because I talk about you so much. I just wish we had more time together during this quarter. We were both so busy it was hard to find time to hang out. BUT I did love being able to visit you at work. I am grateful for those long talks where I didn’t have to worry about anything else. I don’t know how many times I randomly texted or facetimed you at random hours and you would pick up, just to lose sleep because I wanted to talk.

I hate that you know me so well already. I be trying to walk away without saying by and you start counting, waiting for me to stop acting dumb and go say bye lmao you’re great. I did not expect to get this close to you, but I am very happy we did. I love the memories we have already made together, and I CAN NOT WAIT to make more. I trust you a lot and I hope you know that. I get sad thinking about how you will be gone after next year, but that just means we have to make the most out of it AHAAAAAA. Love you very much!!

LOVEEEEE,

The best little you will ever have aka your little piece of Heaven aka me bih

[hoesomeheaven-blog]

BIG BIG BIG BIG I LUV MY BIG BIG BIG BIG BIGGIE BIG 

[hoesomeheaven-blog]

Day 40: May 25, 2018

How is week 8 almost over already? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I also do not know how I was able to make it to campus today by 9 am. Still feels like I am running on empty. Also, I might be getting sick :( 

I am so hungry :( I really really want some home cooked food. I miss food from back home so much. I haven’t had rice or beans all damn quarter! Not good rice and beans anyway, I may have had a bite of rende but ew. I want my moms food. Tamales, pupusas, plantains, chicharron, rice, beans, yuca :( :( :( where my food at. 

IM GONNA GET SOME FOOD BET PICS TO COME

[hoesomeheaven-blog]

Mr. Jonathan Hwang

Dear Mr. Hwang,

I would like to begin by saying, you were actually pretty scary this quarter. However, I preferred being yelled at by you because I was definitely more scared of Ms. Niu. I will never forget when you made me perform a 90 degree bow, for three seconds, to my pdad. That was very interesting experience, thank you for teaching me how to bow. 

I appreciate all the time and energy you have put into this quarter, for us. I am now realizing that you are almost like a second set of parents to us, next to our parents. You quarter really is about helping us grow and making us better. I want to thank you for that. We have made many memories, and I honestly wish we had more time to make even more. I am looking forward to interviewing with you and having an actual conversation! 

I feel like we definitely got closer last Friday night. It was somewhere between you throwing it back on me, and me throwing it back on you, that I realized you were a real cool person. I can not believe you are my bigs pdad, and I am upset he lied to me but that was definitely an interesting surprise. You got me there, not going to lie. 

I also hope you liked our talent show tonight! You missed some very good acts, but at least you were able to see me. Once again, thank you for EVERYTHING this quarter, you definitely made an impact.  

Best,

Heaven Humphreys 

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Day 39: May 24, 2018

My sleep last night consisted of a restless nap with bright lights and 17 other people followed by a 30 minute power nap. I woke up from the second nap in pain boy. During capture the flag, I ate it nasty. SO now I basically don’t have a neck or a back. I hurt all over. But it is ok. I am low-key excited for tonight! APPLE GRANDMA TALENT SHOW IS ABOUT TO BE LIT. Be there or be square because you not around hahahahaha ook

[hoesomeheaven-blog]

Ms. Ellen Niu

Dear Ms. Ellen Niu,

Upon first meeting you, I was very intimidated. I do not think I looked you in the eyes until a few weeks after I first met you. Every meeting, I would hope it wasn’t you who had to address me, because then I would have to look you in the eye while you yelled.

I recall one meeting, I really wanted to laugh about something. Although I do not remember what it was, I remember looking up while trying to hold in my laugh, and you were staring at me. I was completely terrified, but instead of looking away we just locked eyes. I recall thinking there was a look in your eyes that made me believe you wanted to laugh too.

It was only during our mid-quarter reviews, that I thought to myself, you seem like a really nice person. You were so helpful and made sure I understood everything you said. You were very easy to speak to as well, I appreciate that. I walked out of this review believing if circumstances were different, we would be friends!

I would like to say thank you for all the time and dedication you put into this quarter. I realize now this would not have been possible without all your hardworking. I also would like to thank you for investing so much time into me this quarter. I do believe everything that you did, said, or assigned was for a reason. I can say, I can not wait to interview with you. I am very excited to actually meet you and have a conversation. I hope you share my enthusiasm!

Have a lovely night.

Sincerely,

Heaven Humphreys