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[hhhhhhgggguuu]

i’ve been working a lot. so i’ve been getting a lot of gift cards. i know myself and i know that if we were together i’d give you one of the gift cards. $100 for you to get whatever you want. i’d take you to whatever store you want and we’d get you whatever you’d like. i’ll do that to my next person. hopefully they’ll appreciate it. maybe it’ll be something we try and do once a month or something. i got promoted at work. i’m eligible for bigger commissions now. i get an extra $100 on my check for every partner deal that closes. last check i had an extra $400 on my check because we closed 4 deals. ashlee told me that with my role im eligible to make anywhere between $5,000-$7,500 for closing 4 deals similar to the ones we closed where i got $400. that would be cool. i’d take you to disneyland. or london. tinys in london. they swiped up on my story and said i looked cute. i thought about it a lot after that. it made me feel like i still had some healing to do. i’m emotionally intelligent enough to know that nothing is going to come of it. but i won’t lie and say i wish something would come of it. it would be cool to have a story like morgan and denisse. did you see they got back together? they’re married now. they travel a lot. they go outside a lot. i wanna be like that. i just don’t want to do it by myself. what if i die and no one knows where im at. yeah i can be proactive and tell people where im going. but they wouldn’t actually know. the wilderness is so big. anyway my thumbs hurt. i’m gonna try to smoke and go to bed. maybe the weed will help my mind to stop racing. i’ll be thinking about you until i think of nothing. i hope you’re having a good night. i hope it’s better than most and you’re able to do your favorite things. i’ll be sending you good energy and positive vibes. i’m always sending you good energy and positive vibes.

[hhhhhhgggguuu]

i’m so tired. i got 3 hours of sleep last night and maybe 4 the night before? that’s a guess. the 3 is accurate tho. and it’s technically less than 3 if you count the minutes. i read your tweets tonight. i know they’re not about me. but i pretend they are sometimes. makes me feel important. makes me feel like someone is thinking about me. you’re not tho. and that’s okay. it sucks. but it’s still okay. i wish i could sleep. i wish there was an easier way to shut off my mind. i used to sleep all the time when you were here. you once told me that you liked when i fell asleep with you. you taught me that sleep is a very vulnerable state. you said your psychology class told you that if someone falls asleep around you it means they’re comfortable around you. they trust you. i used to sleep a lot around you. maybe it was the depression. maybe it was your mental health weighing down my mental health. either way i wish i could sleep like i did then. i sleep better when im not alone. prime example, family reunion last weekend. i was literally asleep from like 3pm-8pm and then again from like 11pm-10am. i was with my family. that’s where i feel most comfortable. i hate sleeping alone. i liked when i could move my foot to touch some part of you and know you were right there. i wasn’t alone. maybe it wasn’t you. maybe it was just the feeling of not being alone. as days go on i don’t think about you as much. don’t get me wrong, my mental state is just as vulnerable as a sleeping state. i have bad days. but who doesn’t. when there’s a lot going on i tend to miss you more because it’s hard to do it by yourself. it wouldn’t be better if you were here tho. you’d drag me down. i know that. but i like to look on the bright side. i like to think of all the good times. not the times you had me slamming my head into the door. not the time that our neighbors called the cops on us because i was screaming, bawling, begging you to care. you just shut down. i should have known better. i’ve been through a lot of therapy. and ive grown since then. i fully believe in the 25 year old mindset. frontal lobe is close to being fully developed and you start to question relationships in the life, or reflect on immature decisions you made. that was an immature decision i made. not an excuse but i was drunk and feeling unloved and uncared for. i was valid tho. i was being unloved and i wasn’t being cared for. but that’s okay. you were finding (im honestly not sure you’ve found it) self love and when i was younger it used to irritate me and really piss me off when people said “you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself”. i think it would rub me the wrong way because i was always like “i do love myself tho, i think im a good person, i think im a nice person, etc etc” and that statement implied that i didnt. no one really knows how youre feeling. everyone’s perception of life is different and reality is about individuality. we will never be able to know what someone else is going through despite how hard we try. its true. all that is true and that statement people said, its true. thats why i was able love as hard and as deeply as i did with you. i loved myself and was able to move to the next stage of sharing that with someone else you’d like my new tattoo. i just got it 2 days ago. i got the other one in June. you’d like them. you probably would have gone with me to get them. you wouldn’t be at work we know that. you don’t have a work ethic. that’s okay, you were never given the opportunity. you were shown but you were never given the opportunity. you can’t help that. i do miss you tho. i miss our conversations, i miss watching shows together. you’d like the new living room set up. i got those govee lights behind the tv that reflect the colors of the tv around the tv at night. it looks cool because of the way the living room is laid out. how the wall that tv is on is like a little nook. it makes the lights seem brighter as they bounce and reflect off the wall. i bought them with my $100 gift card i got from work. i’ve been working a lot

to be continued…

[hhhhhhgggguuu]

it’s wild to read old posts or see old snapchat’s and not remember typing them or filming them. it’s a feeling like I blacked out, which sounds cheesy but it’s so accurate it’s honestly scary.

[hhhhhhgggguuu]

been a minute. shit hit the fan there for a second. but it’s a little better now. idk. maybe it’s bc it’s the end of shark week. maybe it’s because i fill my time with work that when i stop i have to actually think of my own feelings. i’m spending my entire life running from my feelings and it’s not a good thing. whether i mask it with weed, or work, or alcohol. they’re always there when i get back. how come i feel like life is just passing me by? how come i feel so far ahead yet so far behind? i’ll be a little baby and say it, how come things can’t work out the way i want them to? how come tik tok can always tell im sad before i even can? how come i hate sleeping alone? work is treating me well, but im not treating moose well. he deserves someone who doesn’t work as much. he deserves someone who takes him on walks. don’t get me wrong i play with him. but he deserves more. how come in 2 months it’ll have been 2 years and im still constantly thinking about you. how come you want absolutely nothing to do with me. i wasn’t even thinking about tiny as much. i want allie back. now alex. fuck alex. alex is a dick. allie was kind and caring and gentle. i miss allie. i miss giving my friends the time of day. i don’t want to talk to you anymore. it’s giving me stress and i’ve worked so hard to not have stress in my life. i hate this. i hate this feeling. i envision a life bigger and better than where im at. i’m working so hard for it but it still feels so far away. therapy isn’t helping anymore. it’s basically just a conversation with someone who knows nothing about me. i don’t even smoke anymore. i cant remember the last time i smoked. i miss how i felt with it. i hate the way i feel. i wish it would stop. i could be successfully and rich but without you it doesn’t mean anything. i miss you. this sucks. please make it stop.

[hhhhhhgggguuu]

30 days to find a new job. i thought i was doing good. i thought things were starting to look up. and my entire life is flipping upside down in 4 days. 1 SA. 1 job loss. 1 payment i can’t make now. they say things happen for a reason but i’m real fucking confused as to what this reason is.

[hhhhhhgggguuu]

i get it but i don’t get it. i’m having a lot of emotions tonight and idk if it’s because of how late it is. if it’s because a lot of the topics talked about in the barbie movie (although cheesy) are things that i feel extremely passionate about? is it because you were so cold to me today? (with reason) idk you switched up fast but let’s be honest i was just an easy distraction from the end of your 6 year long relationship. i was easy. that’s all it was. you knew this from the beginning and you still fell for it. was kyndrah right? do i only go for toxic people? you didn’t seem toxic tho? but also the barbie movie. is that why i’m feeling all these feelings? because i don’t know what i’m doing and i resonate with that so much. am i just high? all are possibilities :/ idk. all i know is i have a lot of emotion and i don’t feel safe enough to let it out. and the most frustrating thing is, i don’t know how to feel safe enough. i’m the one that put myself in this box. it’s my own fault . blame yourself.

[hhhhhhgggguuu]

here i am imagining a life with you while i’m on the verge of being blocked. how fucking pathetic

[hhhhhhgggguuu]

i’ll keep repeating it until it fucking sticks. consider others peoples feelings. it’s human fucking decency.

[hhhhhhgggguuu]

you broke me. you finally broke me. i asked one simple thing. i asked you to not tell me about him. don’t tell me about anyone else. let me live in my fantasy land and you blatantly disregarded everything i asked. and then when i let you know i was bothered. what did you say? “well you asked” i asked what your favorite part of the day was i didn’t ask for the details. you don’t consider others feelings you like to think you’re an empath and you follow every trend that’s out there. another reason to not like you yet i’m infatuated by you and i want nothing more than to be yours. it’s the worst fucking feeling in the world

[hhhhhhgggguuu]

you say i’m your “family” but you get “upset” and then talking or treating me a certain way but don’t do anything about it? my family would. you’re not my family.

[hhhhhhgggguuu]

don’t get me wrong. i’m completely fine. i’m numb to being hurt by you and i have no emotion towards this. but i do find it funny that you care more about hurting him and what he thinks than you ever cared about hurting me or what i thought. lmao

[hhhhhhgggguuu]

the part that hurts is that you care more about hurting him and what he thinks than you ever cared about hurting me or what i thought. that’s what hurts the most.

[hhhhhhgggguuu]

i’m sick of thinking about you all the time. it’s the worst.

[hhhhhhgggguuu]

i don’t know what’s wrong with me but i’ve been sitting in my car for close to an hour and haven’t moved. i can’t find the strength to go inside. for some reason you are racing through my mind. is it because of what i did with justin last night? is it because i miss you? i can’t be guilty. we aren’t together and not only have you already kissed people since we’ve broken up but you were doing it when we were together too. i shouldn’t miss you. i shouldn’t miss the shitty things that you did. but i do. i’m lonely. i’m alone. i have moose. and i wouldn’t trade him for anything but i’m lonely. i am trying so hard to be positive and upbeat and fun. i’m trying so hard to be good. but it’s getting harder and harder everyday. the urge to check your socials even tho 1. i know they’re about someone else and 2. i haven’t since 2022 so i can’t break my streak. i know that you breaking up with me was not a reflection of me and my goodness but i can’t help but think “why wasn’t i good enough”. i tried so hard everyday to make you feel special and i tried so hard to be there for you and understand you and respect you and you didn’t care for any of that. you just didn’t want me. and that’s what hurts. that you didn’t want me. my chest feels heavy but i’ve no more tears left for you. i try to cry about us and you just to make myself feel better and i can’t. my tears have realized that they can’t get you back so they don’t work anymore. i give up. i don’t want to do this anymore. i want to either move on or move in with you. i hate this i hate it so much. but the shittiest part is. that i could write about you every second of every day and that wouldn’t bring you back. why? because you don’t want me. you made it abundantly clear and i took so much rejection it’s honestly embarrassing. so here i am, sitting in my car, not being able to move. just reflecting on us. it’s what i do with most of my time, and i would give anything to stop thinking about the one person who i know isn’t thinking about me. i would give anything.

[hhhhhhgggguuu]

thinking of that one time my ex told me that they didn’t want our breakup to be forever but in the same conversation told me that they couldn’t tell me what they were sad about (because they were sad about another relationship they were pursing)

[hhhhhhgggguuu]

how could you not give me what a want? what i want is you. all i want is you. we loved so deeply before and i know we could do it again. all you’ve gotta do is give me a chance. i’m in a better mental health situation. i’ve got 2 sides of my triangle and it’s holding me up. to be a whole triangle all i need is you. i can help you find your triangle. i can help you through this transition. more than that i want to help you through the transition. i want to be your shoulder to cry on. i want to be the person you share your day with. i want to be the person you spend your nights with. i want to be with you. i don’t want to start all over. i don’t want to give another 2 years to someone that’s going to throw me away. i want what we had and i know we’ll be good again. i miss you. maybe i don’t miss you. maybe i’m just lonely. but you know what will make me not lonely? you. i want to be able to eat again. i want to be able to sleep again. i want to be with you again. please please come back. please give me your attention again. please don’t give up on me because i don’t want to give up on you. i can help you grow up. i can help you become a better you. we can be good together. we can travel together. i can give you everything you’ve ever wanted in this world. i’m buy you that van. i’ll live in the van with you. we’ll go wherever you want to go. live wherever you want to live. i just want to be with you. you have been and will be my everything. i don’t know what i can’t shake you. i get so conflicted in my head. do i be true to myself and respond as soon as you respond to me, even if it takes you hours to respond? or do i take just as many hours as you do to respond? that feels like games and i don’t want to play games. we’re beyond that. we’re better than that. you can give me what i want you just don’t want to give me what i want. because you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me. you don’t want me.

[hhhhhhgggguuu]

i was having a good day until i fucked myself over by looking at your twitter. i want to block you but i also want you to see how much better i’m doing without you. it fucking sucks. fuck you. fuck you for wanting someone so soon. fuck you for actively posting about someone else. fuck you for retweeting something that says “i never forget what someone said to me out of anger” you fucked me over. i get that your upset i didn’t automatically accept you (even tho you didn’t consider your partner during such a big event) but YOU told me YOU had feelings for someone else after 2 years of dating AND living together. YOU kissed someone else at a bar while i sat at home waiting for you. YOU actively posted about someone else less than 1 week after breaking up. and what did i do? i fucking spiraled while you were pursuing other people. and then when i finally gave up on caring what my parents and family would think, you were done with me. after i gave you absolutely nothing but love. you treat me like absolute shit. fuck you. fuck you for giving up on me. on us. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.