hermesgirlie-blog

[hermesgirlie-blog]

i have decided to try again. this time im really gonna make it. 

my friends and family love me and I can’t let my demons say otherwise 

i am grateful for the opportunity of life that I have been gifted with and I am willing to, for now on, make the most of it, facing every challenge that may come to my way and taking every opportunity that may result as my growth 

i have also decided to be grateful to the fact that I am someone who really won the genetic lottery and is smart and wealthy. 

my goal for 2019 is just to take care of my mental health and study hard to get into the college I desire. 

[hermesgirlie-blog]

days haven't been easy for me. I have been so weak and lonely. my mom is not in the same town as me and I don't really know how to ask my friends for help. I thin I could just lose it at any second. so now im just laying in my bed thinking about running away to paloma beach in France, just like I did back when I was 14 and first decided to leave the town at the first chance. I don't feel like doing nothing really, just being quiet and lonely but at the same time I don't let myself feel useless or insignificant so I keep daydreaming about becoming famous one day and make everyone beg for my attention. why do I never understand what is going on? I feel like if I just vanish from society I wouldn't make a difference. and I have been taking my medicine so that is a serious issue. im just not comfortable with where I am right now and I wish I could take a week or two off to make myself feel better. why cant I never be alone. I am so dependent on other people. and I have been really thinking about suicide because I truly think that’s the only thing that makes sense to me right now. and also the easiest way to let myself out of everything. literally no one cares about my existence and I'm only here to make things worse. I can never have a healthy relationship with someone because either I screw everything up by not being emotionally able to be really friends with someone or the person only rejects me. right when I was feeling like I was getting better. I just don’t know why all this happens. and I don't know how or who to talk to at the moment. my parents said that I should start trying to solve those issues by myself and not going to the therapist, and believe me, I'm trying to. maybe I'm not doing the right way. maybe the right thing to do is putting and end in all this and just leaving. at the same time I don't want to make my parents suffer. I don't think they would for a long time tho. I am pretty useless. I think I don't really want their help because they don't really wanna help me. and I think that showing this to them would only make them go really madder with mr. why do I have to be such a disappointment. I don't do anything to make them happy and they don't really feel like raising a teenage daughter. my dad wanted a boy anyway. I don't really know if they love me the same way I love them. I always feel like my mom just wants to turn off the call after 3 minutes. she never calls me. it’s always me. she doesn't miss me the way I miss her and she has got other things to worry about. I get that. I just need attention all the time and that annoys here. I know because she made it kinda clear in a text she wrote about me in first grade. my dad doesn't even care anymore. my friends can’t stand me anymore. I think I should just go. I don’t really know. never felt excited about college or getting a job or anything like this. I don't believe in love and I don't believe I could do anything successful in life. and I also don't believe in miracles. If I want to go, nothing is gonna stop me. how ridiculous am I? I am really depressed. and ugly and dumb and fat. why do I think I could make anything work? I realised that life is hard and It turns out I give up pretty easily. 

[hermesgirlie-blog]

o medo me sufoca a noite e eu nao acho que tenha melatonina que melhore isso. eu tenho um medo ilógico, mas real, porem distante. mas eu sofro. sofro de querer berrar. e o pior e que nao ten com quem. e eu nao posso fazer nada pra melhorar isso. e eu nao confio em ninguém alem de mim. ta tudo pesado pra mim agora e eu acho que eu so queria deitar e esperar que o chão me engula pra nao ter que passar essa agonia nunca mais . 

[hermesgirlie-blog]

eu to com uma saudades danada da minha vida do passado. tudo era tao garantido e hoje eu nem sei mais se eu quero crescer e sair. eu nem tenho mais vontade de conhecer o amanha por medo. eu preciso sempre de garantia, em tudo, por que eu nao consigo dormir enquanto tudo nao estiver perfeito. talvez seja essa o motivo da insônia que me perseguiu a vida inteira. essas coisas nem são minha culpa, eu nao sei por que eu me culpo e por que eu tenho que ser a afetada disso tudo. sei la, ta tudo diferente e eu espero que de tudo certo, eu to com falta de boa noticia. talvez eu nao tenha sido grata o suficiente. sera que ainda tem tempo? eu nao consigo pensar que isso tudo nao importa, e me sufoca por que eu nao posso falar sobre isso com ninguém. eu so espero que deus seja bom comigo dessa vez. 

[hermesgirlie-blog]

esquece o que nao importa, nem vamos conversar. 

olha bem mulher, eu vou te ser sincero

quero te ver de branco 

quero te ver no altar

 nao tem medo nao 

que se der tudo errado 

a gente fica longe 

e volta namorar depois 

olha bem mulher

eu to com uma saudades danada de te dar todos os beijos que eu nao te dei 

e eu to com saudades apertada de ir dormir bem cansado e acordar do teu lado pra te dizer que eu te amo, que eu te amo demais 

[hermesgirlie-blog]

if I was American id probably move.

[hermesgirlie-blog]

promise to myself

see I just wanted you to know that you are really special and I really think that we do have a chance to make this all work out, but what happens is, im ruling out of energy and I need more self love to deal with anything right now. I really do think that we would be a great couple together and we would mae everyone jealous and your friends would call you lucky and my girlfriends were be asking when is the marriage going to be and how you are the perfect fit for me, but all this is going to have to wait. see, today I spent 5 hours in a car, on a road, no cellphone and all the songs Elton John has ever sang and I really got some good time to think of what I am doing. and I realised that I am always saying later to my self love. so then, Bennie and the jets came in and even tho that maybe wasn't the best lyrics, it got the energy I needed. and it came to me, for the last time before the universe gives up on me, that I could never be happy with you by my side if I didn't love myself first. and put myself first. so I laid down when I finally got home and a picture came into my head, you were telling me that you didn't like my friends and that in that night, we would go out with yours. ok, I may like your friends, but this is still not correct. the picture of you just tried to get me away from my friends, and the imaginary me just said okay to it. and as if it couldn't get any worse, that image sounded very common to me. it just sounded like something I would normally do. 8and oh god this is so wrong. I freaking love my friends, how could the imaginary me let you get me far from them? so then, I really realised that I need to settle down, take care of myself, remind myself that I don't need love from a lover to feel loved, and that no one in the world could get me to not go out with my friends. I have never obeyed my parents or teachers or people who were genuinely trying to help me, why would I obey you? that was just meant to be an abusive unhealthy toxic relationship that I always tell the drunk crying girl in the bathroom to get out of. nothing against them , I really respect the fact that they are seeing that something is wrong, even tho they are drunk (that's when the truth comes out) but I don't ever want to be one of them.  love isn't meant to hurt and one of the ways to not make it hurt is loving yourself first. so this is a pact I decided to make with myself, I promise I will love myself more that I will love any boy ever, and the only ones I will love and respect more than me is going to be my parents, my siblings, my kids and hopefully my grandchild. I will be very happy for sure. 

[hermesgirlie-blog]

eu taba com saudades de escrever aqui. eu nao tenho nenhuma inspiração e nem um assunto pra fazer alguma tempestade em copo d’agua sobre. ate minha serie ta me entediando. passei 9 horas jogando the sims. tenho 19 reais no banco pra sobreviver mais um mes. pra completar eu to com fome e preguiça de descer e pegar comida. 

[hermesgirlie-blog]

oh trust me, I would never beg anyone to stay 

[hermesgirlie-blog]

lately I've been feeling that no one is enough to make me happy the way I deserve except for myself. I do work really well on my own and my friends and family are really lucky to have me as part of their lives. but I have been feeling that there is not one boy, at leats in my country, that could make me feel that they are enough to me. all of them seem so unfunny and ugly to say the least. good thing is I'm not looking forward to any romantic relationship soon because I've grown to find them really tacky. I really believe that I look and am mentally better on my own and just enjoying the company of my friends and family, and not going to far from non-compromised kisses and stuff. I just feel like I have so much important stuff to concentrate now and that boys are really dumb and I am really disgusted by the most of them. I love my male friends tho. 

[hermesgirlie-blog]

resumo 2018

oi laura do futuro!

foi um ano bom, muito bom. nao que tudo deu certo, nao do jeito que vc queria que desse na verdade. vc ainda nao conseguiu chorar por menino nenhum. isso eh muito importante e eu espero que nunca mude. sua autoestima melhorou, e isso ta sendo muito mais saudável pra vc. vc realmente ama suas amigas, e vcs tem uma amizade forte e fora do padrão, parece de filme. foi plano de deus, com certeza, por que vcs nunca conseguiriam fazer mal uma pra outra. alias, falando amizade, como isso mudou esse ano! se eu pudesse te dar um concelho no começo do ano que eu so aprendi agora, seria: nunca julgue ninguém sem conhecer. vc vai conhecer muita gente que antes vc nunca achava que seriam amigos e hoje são. e isso eh muito divertido. arquitetura is your thaaang. isso vc tem comprovação medica, neeeext. o Henrique vai tirar metade do teu ano e hoje, a 4 dias de 2019, nao entendeu o que ele acrescentou em 6 meses de enrolação. talvez isso tenha te servido pra te mostrar que homem nenhum presta, provavelmente. e eu nao ache que isso va mudar em 2019, eu acho que vc vai continuar single and happy. mas pelo menos cuide mais do teu corpo, fique magérrima, comece a odiar a comida que te faz mal, nao sei, arranje um jeito e por favor estude pro vestibular. mas enfim, isso e assunto pro texto do ano que vem. mas em 2018 vc viajou pra caramba! nao eh legal? vc foi pra Nova York com a sua mae e pra Portugal no começo do ano. isso eh bem legal. vc quer ficar rica. eh a única coisa que vc pensa. e nao, eu nao tenho um plano ainda mas eu tenho certeza que vc vai arranjar um jeito. se depende de vc, vc consegue, vc eh esperta, bota isso na cabeça, nao faca oq os outros querem que voce faca, se vc nao quer ir naquela festa, trust me, nao va. se bem que eu nao mudaria nada. vc se divertiu, por mais que you could use just some more freedom. a cabeça mais aberta e a determinacao foram coisas muito importantes pra vc esse ano, e continue com esses “elementos” por muito tempo, nao aceite desaforo das pessoas e nao desista do que vc quer. por favor. 

tenha um ótimo ano, vc vai se divertir e aprender e ser muito feliz.

[hermesgirlie-blog]

honestly I just really need the entire new collection of jacquemus and my Prada glasses then I can be the bitch I aspire to be 

[hermesgirlie-blog]

to cdm

I really hope after this I get over this bullshit. 

you are a terrible human. I realised that when you said that you didn't like my friends. you don't even know them. they would easily punch you in the face if I told them what you said about them. trust me, they would hate you way more than they already do. I regret I have even given you a chance. you didn't deserve it. it makes me so sad. we could have been such great friends. but you are not really my friend type. maybe they don't have as much money as you do, (they still got lots tho) they do the wrongs that for you is wrong, they can be loud sometimes. but they are fucking family to me. and trust me they really want to punch you in the pace, and they don't even know everything. why do you act like a desperate child? do you really think you are making me jealous? why would I be? I made it very clear to you that I never wanted to get serious. what pisses me off is you acting like a fucking 12 year old and the fact that once I let you fool me enough to think that we would become something. but then you come to me on my birthday and tell me that we would be nothing. I hate this. and now that you found out that I moved on you decided to try to make me jealous by posting pictures of other girls in your insta stories? you are ridiculous and I don't know how I ever liked you. I should trust more what Isadora tells me. why would that bitch try to do any harm. I always trust the wrong people. this is ridiculous. I never learn. I usually don't have the self esteem to say this but this time I really really deserve something better. I am way too good to you. way smarter, war prettier and way nicer. because after all this your friends still like me. you don't even deserve your friends. especially the girlie. she is such a pure soul. and I honestly don't believe you're bad I just think you are socially very dumb. 

[hermesgirlie-blog]

the other boy I tried to put into his place was so much worse. ok, he had a six pack. but he uses braces and has acne. and he is so fucking entitled. he's not even cute enough to have this type of attitude. the truth is: no one is going to take his place too soon. I don't think that someone cuter would, someone funnier or even the hottest man in fucking Sweden would. because he Is the one I really want. any other boy would just sound to me as a desperate way to show him that I didn't really care and had never gotten any feelings for him anyways. I'm not that bitch, tho I act like it. I don't understand why did he let me go. I can't see why. we were doing really fine and we would be such good friends or maybe even more than that. for someone that smart he really fucked up this time. but I just fucking like having him around. he gives me like, this protection feeling and that I'm being appreciated but not too much to the point that I start getting annoyed. it really hurt me when his friend said that to me, tough I already knew the answer. a friend of mine saw that all, all that scene. I was really hurt. I couldn't talk to anyone the other day. why did I let you have this control on me? why did we even started this in the first place? to be honest the only goods that those 6 months brought me was getting to know some of your friends who are btw really nice people who came to me and told me you were an asshole and I deserved something better. aren't you fucking ashamed on that? those were your friends. the worst part is that I still want to have you around in my life. but I don't know if you fucking deserve it. but I really want you to want it. its just that, im sure you are no good to me or my mental health. why can't I just not care about this? why are those things so complicated? 

[hermesgirlie-blog]

I have been missing him. oh jeez why can't that boy and I just work out as a couple? why do things have to be so complicated? im feeling him so so far from me and I feel like there is a part of me that is missing. 

I miss that fucking boy. what has he done to me? I thought that maybe just hooking up with that other boy would make me feel better. 

it did! for two weeks. god it seems like whatever I do to try to get him out of my life, only makes him come back more. and not even in direct ways. whenever I decide that im over him, we get invited to the same party, or someone starts saying really nice stuff about him and then I remember this fucking adorable look he gives me or how cute his voice sounds when he is paying attention to something. 

what really gets to me is that he would never appreciate me in the same way or intensity. I don't even think he would ever like me the same way I like him. maybe putting an end to this was the best for my mental health and for my self-esteem. I know I deserve better. but I don't want any better. it turns out that I don't fit in with anybody that's not him. I am well aware that If I wanted I could get whoever I wanted, but It doesn't matter because at the end of the day he is the only one that makes me feel this way. 

i am so pathetic. I am too pretty to beg for a boy’s attention. I really am. I know that maybe I'm too much for him and maybe this is not the best moments for both of us. but I didn't want it to be the end. I miss having him and spying on him on his snapchat maps. I can put into my head that all of this was for nothing. I didn't even learned something with this. so what was the fucking use?

I know I'm smart, I know I am beautiful, I know I am a really nice person, and most of all, I know that I don't really need a boy. but its not a question of need, its a question of want. and I really think I want him to be intimate enough to just show up in my house whenever he feels like it. 

anyways, I really wanted him to be a part of my life. even If It wasn't was a lover. I really hope someday he means something too special for me and that I really mean something for him. But oh god, that boy is too predictable. and I wouldn't be surprised if he gotten into a physical fight with my male friends. 

in a conclusion: I really should be dating boys that are in college already. I'm too pretty for him. maybe in the future tho. imma give it to god and he does what he thinks it’s better for me. and I hope that the best for me don't end up with my heart being broken.

[hermesgirlie-blog]

idk I just fucking miss having someone