herlifethewayitis - Tumblr blog

[herlifethewayitis]

I'm just here. I'm just breathing.

2am again, and I cannot breathe.

Yet, I'm breathing.

The four corners of my room seem to grow smaller and smaller as I look at them.

I lay in bed in wonder.

I wonder if the wind blows only one way and while it blows one way, it blows everything in my life away from me.

And then I grow cold.

The chill from the wind turns my body into snow and my bones into ice that shatters inside me.

It shatters, and I'm not breathing.

I shut off, and still I'm just breathing.

I walk around my world putting my heart and soul into me not melting as my bones are already shattered within.

I take every piece me attempting to pour out the dark but the dark leaks in droplets.

The droplets touch those around me, they have a glimpse of brokenness.

They tell me I'm breathing.

But am I?

I'm still just breathing.

To coexist on an earth with those I see as perfect and then there's me.

They are the fire and I am the ash.

But hey, I'm still breathing right?

In a field full of life; grass and leaves and trees and soil and birds and calm winds and sunlight.

And then there's a weed that grows like wild fires around the city.

The weed that everyone hates and wants to pull out and toss In a garbage container and throw out somewhere where it will never been seen again.

Shunned away.

Silence.

It's okay though. I'm still breathing....right?

An outcast.

Obliterated by all that is full of life around me.

But it's fine, I'm still breathing, I guess.

[herlifethewayitis]

You changed me. ❤️

I've spent a lot of time thinking about my growth and how this man has played a role in it. We've been together for almost 2 years now (December 16th will be 2 years) and it's been the greatest surprise of my life.

You don't consider how one person can be the game changer for your entire life.

You're entire being.

During the days that I'm struggling, I have to look back at how I've grown. Here's the timeline of our love, our journey... the love for myself, and my journey.

------

ACQUAINTANCES - The first contact

November 08, 2021 - 9:17AM.

This was a very special day, even though we were only friends. We discussed our love for music, which we both had no idea, that today, we'd be doing together.

We spent lots of time talking about music for a couple days. He sent me video files of his music. At the time I was still married and we never saw eachother as a potential love partner.

Silence, for a month.

December 2021.

The beginning of this month, I was newly single.

Heart-broken.

A mess.

Defeated.

Unhealthy.

Toxic.

Ugly.

Longing for love.

And there you were. In a Discord voice channel with me and a group of our friends. I didn't want to be alone. I had to be around others. I was scared. I was lonely. I hated myself. I hated my circumstances. I felt like a disappointment.

But... you were there.

Every person in the call was kind... we laughed a lot, played games... and you had to go to bed because you had work early. But you had noticed I looked sad and you asked if I was okay before you left. I nodded yes, with tears in my eyes; we all said goodnight and off you went.

I was too broken to even share what was going on, but the next afternoon, I messaged you while we were all in Discord again hanging out. I shared that I was newly single and hurting.

You had nothing but kind and supportive words. There was no flirtation, but in two instances, you were there for me and showed care more than any person had in our friend group.

We often played games on each of the nights we all spent together. But this night... this one was special.

This is the night we knew we truly knew we had a friendship building... but felt something more. Was it too soon? Absolutely. But my heart was longing for yours and I didn't even realize it.

We played Golf With Your Friends. Purposely, I would forget my turn just so I could hear you say my name.

"Mandii, it's your turn."

and with each time I heard you say my name, I felt my heart beat a little faster.

It was in those moments, we kept locking eyes with one another and then starts the private messaging, again.

BUILDING A STRONGER CONNECTION.

We messaged a lot for a few days, and then we exchanged numbers. We had to talk through WhatsApp, as he was overseas and that would have been really expensive had we texted through our phone services.

Through the course of 10 days, we shared our stories, he heard my pain, he encouraged me, he loved on me in a very friendly way. But, then we started connecting so closely that we started to compliment each other's looks. I couldn't not tell him how handsome he was and every time... his response melted my soul.

"You're gorgeous."

I knew that getting out of a marriage half a month ago and jumping into a new relationship immediately is very frowned upon, but I couldn't help how I felt about him.

We had a conversation about dating and of course, being overseas in a long-distance relationship is never ideal, because, will we ever meet?

December 16, 2021.

During the morning of this day, I woke up still feeling so broken, but I also was so excited to wake up to a message from him. I knew that he was off around 8am my time, which was 2pm his time.

He had said "Good morning, Mandii. I hope you slept well." There was an instant smile. I messaged back wishing him a good day, with full hearts in my eyes.

He had told me about how he was out shopping with his mom and she had bought him a new mouse and keyboard for his computer. He talked about how they went to Burger King and he sent me a picture of the two of them together.

I melted.

To see a man love his mother so deeply and have a close relationship with her is so heart-warming.

He got back home, and we texted more. He sent me pictures of his new keyboard and mouse, and I told him that I really liked him.

We opened the discussion about dating again because I had asked if he'd thought about it.

He told me that he could see that I do care about him and that I am very invested...and he said he wanted to start dating me.

I felt... so happy, but yet, still broken.

He made me feel alive. Wanted. Needed. We sent selfies to one another throughout the days and I felt so alive and seen, that I did my makeup for him because I knew he'd actually appreciate me for wanting to look pretty for him.

That was something I'd never experienced with anyone before.

And this was the start of us. ❤️

New Years Eve.

New Years Eve was rocky. Rocky is even an understatement.

It started with fun, love, friends and wine. We hung out with our friends, laughed, listened to music and drank to ring in the New Year, and for me, alcohol can be my biggest enemy.

I was separated from my ex-husband but still living in the house. It was turmoil. He knew I was dating someone and he was angry, rightfully, so we fought a lot, daily.

As we laughed, I drank another glass. With each glass, I laughed more, opened up more to my friends and also, expressed more of the feelings I had for Tobi.

And another glass.

And another.

Another one.

1st wine bottle, empty.

Then comes the danger. I'm still conscious enough of what I'm doing and saying, but another bottle is opened.

Tobi warns me to be careful and expresses his concern for me as he can see me unraveling like a ball of yarn that is unwoven enough that if you drop it out of your hand, it will become entangled and a mess.

...and a mess I was.

The second bottle opens and within 20 minutes, that bottle was about polished off.

I was in tears, I was having anxiety attacks, I felt like I couldn't breathe.

Where it was just the friend group, it turned into my mom, my best friend and others I needed there for support to get through it.

Where I dig deeper on this, with every pour, it was as if every emotion hidden deeply in my heart, was being poured out of me. Alcohol seems to push everything out of me in the worst ways.

I didn't know how I was going to get through a divorce, manage a new relationship, figure out how to be a single mom, live on my own and just... live... be alive.

2022.

This entire year was filled with so much pain, but also, so much love.

I started a new job where I was making more than enough money to sustain myself, but my self-confidence was still so slim-to-none that I couldn't even bring myself to find success there. I failed my state exams and I continued to sink.

The income sustained me enough for me to find an apartment and move into the place that would be so cold and empty for the next year and a half.

Just me, my desk and empty rooms with some boxes.

This was the most painful of every moment since the separation between my ex-husband and I, up until this point.

This is where it gets dark.

MY LITTLE GIRLS.

For little girls, they should see the a world of magic. They have an innocence about them at 6 and 3 (at the time). They just want Barbie's and juice boxes.

Unfortunately for my little girls, they didn't just have those things. They also gained a broken family, moreover, a broken mom and dad.

Separate homes.

New rooms.

New schedules.

A lack of normalcy.

Anger.

Hurt.

Confusion.

All of the back and forth was the worst. For them, confusing, for me, lonely and pain-filled.

I hated the thought that I wouldn't see my girls but select days of the week and I hated more that it was actually happening.

I know a lot of this middle text is mostly about myself and doesn't show a lot of the man I love and how he impacted me this time, but that will come soon.

I moved into this apartment with $100 to my name. I had to choose what that was going toward, and the easy answer, my kids.

I bought them beds, pillows and blankets. That's all I could afford.

On the nights I didn't have them, I slept on these beds.

On the nights I had them, I slept on the wood floor and they slept in their beds.

I had never cried more tears in my life than the nights I slept alone. I had Tobi on video calls with me day and night because I couldn't sit alone otherwise I'd really break.

Without him and my daughters, I'd be dead.

LOOKING UP? NOT. A. CHANCE.

I started working at Domino's Pizza as a delivery driver, and within a month, I was a manager of the store.

I loved the job. I thrived. I was happy, my bills were paid and this brought me some sort of normalcy.

I finally had made friends, and I call them family now.

During this time, I was proud of myself, Tobi was proud, and my family was proud. I worked so hard. Double shifts, I took deliveries and managed the store.

and then came August... 💔

THE BREAKUP.

During the previous 6 months that Tobi and I were together, we made plans for him to move from Germany to Michigan.

We were ecstatic.

We booked his plane ticket, he emptied and gave up his apartment, quit his job... we counted down the days.

He hopped on his first flight, got off, and went to get on his second flight and he was denied entry into the USA.

I cried.

When I say that I cried...

I sobbed.

My heart was so completely shattered that I couldn't breathe. I thought that this was the end and that he would never get here. I thought that our relationship wasn't meant to happen, that he was just a season in my life.

I also realized in this moment that I was so broken that I needed to get help for myself because if I didn't, I definitely wasn't going to be okay.

We sat on a call and we discussed what this meant for us. I cried for weeks, and weeks. Until, a month and a half later, I decided I could not handle being apart, the distance was just too much for my broken heart to handle.

We broke up.

He begged me to stay because I am the love of his life and he knew that I was the woman he wanted to marry and that I was breaking his heart.

and this is where I break even more.

END OF AUGUST 2022 - I LOST ME.

Being without the love of my life, I didn't know who I was anymore. Because I didn't know who I was, I became someone that I wasn't.

I posted revealing photos of myself online, I dated someone briefly who was just as broken as I was for one simple reason...

To cope with the fact that I was trash for leaving the one person who brought me to life.

...and because I left the love of my life, I died inside, all over again.

While I was co-existing with the world, I wanted to die on the outside too.

I received all of the WORST attention and died more.

I received messages from Tobi, who was furious because he knew this was not me and it certainly wasn't my heart.

Tobi and I went back and forth for weeks about what I was doing. My heart was in and out of the conversations.

One moment I was sure I wanted to be with him, then the next I was terrified of the distance.

I made him an option when I knew he was not, he was my person and that was all.

I played with his heart and his feelings. I was so mentally unstable that I couldn't think clearly for one second during this time.

We fought on a phone call and I begged him to take me back because I was afraid I would really kill myself.

He thought I was being manipulative, but in that moment, he didn't see that my pain was so real without him that I didn't want to be alive.

Some call that an unhealthy addiction to a person, I call that the realization that you've made such a deep wound within yourself for no good reason that you feel there's no other way out of the pain.

End of the phone call, the end of us, for now.

END OF NOVEMBER 2022.

I quit my job.

I broke things off with the guy I was dating.

I was done with life.

I called my kids, I told them I loved them.

I went to bed.

I laid in bed. I sobbed. I called Tobi on a video call and we fought. I told him that I was done with life. I told him that I was gonna kill myself.

All I wanted was to be with the love of my life because I knew that night that I made a grave mistake.

He sat in silence watching me grip onto my pillow and crying every tear I had left in me.

All I could say over and over was...

I love you.

I'm so sorry.

...and he looked at me and said...

I love you too.

I want you back.

We got back together. For 1 day.

TERMS OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

We set boundaries with one another and he listed out some terms for our relationship to be able to work.

Block the guy I was with.

File the Divorce papers with my ex-husband.

Seek therapy.

I agreed to these terms. I would have done anything to be with him.

BREAKING UP...AGAIN.

But after a day, his heart was conflicted. He realized everything that had happened that had lead to this and decided he didn't deserve it.

He didn't deserve it.

So there, I then cried, begged him to stay with me, told him he was the love of my life and I knew that he was who I wanted to marry one day... just as he said to me when I broke things off initially.

A week went by and again, I broke more.

I was done with life at this point.

I paced around my house, I looked in my medicine cabinet for pills I could take.

I looked for something that could end my life, for good.

I couldn't find anything.

I threw things at the walls, screamed into my pillows, called one of my close girl friends and cried. I told her about how badly I messed up and how badly I wanted him.

I had to be patient and allow his heart to heal if we were ever going to have a chance again.

Tobi and I messaged back and forth for the week and I apologized over and over for breaking his heart.

He told me he didn't love my anymore, that he didn't feel anything for me anymore.

Slowly I was falling into acceptance of what I had done. I accepted that I was trash, that I was a mistake to the world, that I was a horrible girlfriend for what I did, that there was no point in me trying to beg him anymore.

I sent him a long letter thanking him for the love he'd given me in the 6 months we were together and left him be.

I laid in bed the entire day in tears and prayed that God would send him back to me.

He called me that night, we talked, and we got back together, for good.

THE SPIRAL.

We got back together like nothing had ever changed and for a month every thing was good between us. He forgave me and we moved on.

There was still hurt, long discussions and trust was rebuilding.

While we rebuilt, I was still hurting so deeply inside from the beginning of the split from my ex-husband up until this point.

It felt as though my heart was taking hit after hit after hit.

It was almost as if every day to every other day that I was telling Tobi that my dark thoughts weren't going away.

I had the love of my life but I still wanted to die.

I found another job, and shortly after, I got extremely sick with pneumonia.

I couldn't work for almost a month. I couldn't pay my bills. I couldn't even afford the medication I needed to heal physically.

Tobi took care of me as best as he could emotionally and financially, but I needed help.

I felt extremely alone and exhausted in every way.

I started therapy, but it was just the beginning of my journey of healing.

My parents wanted to help, but I never asked because of my own pride. I assumed they wouldn't help.

THE CALL.

I called my ex-husband to say goodnight to my kids and that I loved them. Then I had a conversation with my sister to be transparent about how I was feeling, and she told my parents. I was beyond furious that she did, but I didn't know she did, until I heard Tobi yelling at me to wake up while we were on a video call.

I had fallen asleep because I had been coughing so badly for weeks that my sleep was extremely broken.

I woke up to him saying my Dad was on his way to my apartment.

I saw phone calls and text messages from my parents and siblings asking if I was okay and that they were on their way to me.

Not even 2 minutes after I woke up, I heard banging on my door.

I ran to the door, trying to breathe, opened the door, to see a cop with my parents and brother.

All I could say is "What the fuck is going on... what are you doing here? Why is there a cop at my door!"

I was furious.

My parents looked relieved but my Dad looked like he was going to die because he didn't know if I was going to answer the door and be alive, or if the cop was going to kick the door down and find me dead.

I was very much alive outwardly, but not on the inside.

The cop came in, sat with me and I cried.

He showed so much compassion because visually, with my apartment looking how it did, he could see the depression everywhere. With my tears, he could see my pain.

He had to ask if I needed any medical attention or psychiatric care.

I explained that I was very depressed and hurting, but I wasn't going to kill myself, I was just asleep.

The cop left after telling my parents I was okay, and then I went to the door to talk to my parents.

My dad was angry at Tobi, thinking that he was purposely ignoring his messages and thought that my mom was with holding information from him.

This was farthest from the truth.

This time, I was truly just sleeping and very sick.

Needless to say, I was very angry at my family. More than I was for feeling like they wouldn't support me in a time of desperate and real need.

I provided my parents with Tobi's information so they could easily contact him.

My parents went back home, and I got into bed and cried. I was so upset by the situation, and then went back to sleep.

Looking back, I know this was the right move, because really, I was suicidal. I just hadn't acted on it and I certainly wasn't going to tell my therapist this at the time.

I had fears of just being locked up in a hospital where I wouldn't truly get the help and healing I needed because the only way I'd get that is if I really made the effort to make changes in my life.

2023.

It's the start of 2023 and I'm starting to heal.

Therapy has been life changing just after a couple of months, I wasn't sick anymore, I started a new job, everything was amazing.

I thrived at my new job, got promoted 3 times within a month, my relationship with Tobi was blossoming.

This year we had plans to finally meet in person.

Plane ticket booked.

Got my Covid Shot.

Got my Passport.

I was so. ready. to. meet. my. man.

For the first time.

We were absolutely over the moon about the fact that we could actually be together and solidify us.

I struggled mentally still for the first 4 months of the year. Therapy was helping me process through everything I was going through inside so I wasn't internalizing it, but I knew I still needed more help.

LIFE CHANGING.

In May of 2023, I finally saw a psychiatrist. I got the answers I have been longing for my entire life.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder and was put on medication.

The medication was the immediate game changer that I needed so I could truly find me again.

All of the highs and lows made sense for once.

What I was experiencing was Mania and Depressive lows. When I was in a high, I was in a really bad high. When I was in a low, I was in a really bad low.

I would be up for 15-24 hours at a time, not sleeping and then I would crash hard. I went from being super loud, to crying so badly I wanted to die.

The anxiety attacks were paralyzing and made the depressive states so much worse.

But... with the medication, I feel more normal than I ever have.

Whatever normal is...

While I was feeling better, I dipped into a really bad low between April and July, even being on medication.

My job was giving me no more than 10 hours a week, if that because tax season was so slow.

I couldn't pay my bills. I couldn't live.

My parents had helped me once, and when I asked again out of shame, they gave again, but as a final helping with knowing that I would find financial security after that.

It helped a ton.

But a month later, I was still stuck. I ran a fundraiser, and only came up with half of my rent. I had to ask my parents for help again and they said no.

I explained my situation and told them I understood and didn't hold any resentment because they'd helped so much previously.

I ran the fundraiser for another week, praying that someone would help. My Dad called and told me that I was his daughter and he didn't want to see me struggling, so he helped me pay my rent again.

I was more thankful at this point that I was in tears. God provided, through my parents.

I still carry a ton of guilt because as an adult, I feel I shouldn't have to ask my Dad for help at 29 years old.

JULY 31, 2023.

This is the day that I hopped on a plane to meet the love of my life for the first time. This month was filled with fears, preparing, tears, laughs, excitement and love.

I had no idea what I was I was in for. I had so many fears that it was covering up the excitement.

What if I'm not who he thinks I am?

What if I'm not pretty enough?

What if he thinks I'm fat and hates my body?

What if we don't connect the same?

What if he really is catfishing me?

What if the rumors are true about him using me?

What if we absolutely despise one another?

Boy, were these lies above exactly what they are: lies.

I sat on a plane for 9 hours, traveling to meet my love.

IS THIS REAL LIFE?

I arrived in Germany, and we walked around eachother at the airport, trying to find eachother.

He texted me.

"Do you see a Subway?"

I was right next to it. I turned to my right and saw him. My body went cold. I couldn't believe it.

I had two thoughts in my mind:

He's so short. 🤣

He's so perfect. 🥰

and after asking him his first thoughts:

She's so tiny. 🤣

She's so pretty. 🥰

We looked at each other and smiled. He hugged me and immediately kissed me.

3 WEEKS OF BLISS. PURE. BLISS.

Every thought, every fear we had, was so unnecessary.

We connected instantly, I gained a new family, and we built beautiful memories together.

We spent time eating at different places, sight seeing, talking, snuggling, making love and moments I'll never forget for the rest of my life.

He made me feel special every second of every day.

While I loved going to the zoo, walking around his town, spending time with his family, trying all of the good foods of Germany... my favorite moments were the quiet moments when we were alone.

Whether that be at 3 in the morning sitting on a bench talking, or snuggling up in bed and just staring at one another. Memorizing every feature of his face, hearing his voice, remembering how his skin feels and how safe I felt just being with him.

We talked about our goals and dreams individually and what we wanted for us. Those were the times that I cherished the most. The quality time.

Every day that went by, what I thought I wanted became what I knew I want for us. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

THE PROPOSAL.

There's a million more things I could say that made this trip so special... but the day this day... is tattooed on my heart.

We woke up in the morning, he made me breakfast, I cried knowing that I had 2 days left before I had to go back home.

I spent those two days in tears and all I could say...

I don't want to leave.

But this day, I got dressed, did my makeup and decided to just embrace these final moments with him. It wasn't the end, it was just the beginning of our forever together.

We took a walk to the castle by his home like we did multiple times during this trip trip to just talk and spend more time together.

He took me to a beautiful part of the castle overlooking the river, and he proposed.

I cried like a baby. This moment was bliss. It was a dream. I couldn't believe that 2 years ago I was a broken mess and here I am this day so happy, so in love, so healthy mentally AND ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED.

WHAT!?

SEE YOU SOON, MY LOVE.

This was not a goodbye, but an emotional see you soon.

To spend a beautiful vacation with this man and then have to go back home was beyond heart-wrenching.

I felt like I was leaving the love of my life for good, even though it's not forever.

I could write a novel about those 3 weeks in detail and I truly believe that it's the most beautiful story anyone would ever read.

I slept on the entire plane ride home and every moment I was awake, I was filled with anxiety and crying my eyes out.

To think that I went from being so heart broken and believing I would never find love again, to finding my best friend and my soul mate still blows my mind.

While the first week back home was so, SO hard, We are now making plans for him to be here permanently. We are wedding planning and doing all the research possible so that he can be here.

HOW YOU HEALED MY HEART.

In our 2 year journey so far, it's been filled with pain, heart-ache, tears, darkness, laughs, love, hope and joy.

While much of this was a very personal journey, you made my heart whole.

You stuck around when no one else would. You showed me true love, compassion, empathy, grace, forgiveness, encouragement, and what it's like to have a genuine best friend. You've shown me that even though I'm a mother of two beautiful daughters, you are willing to take on the role of step father and take them as your own.

When you find the right person, they change the way you see the world. You see colors in your life that you'd never expect. Everything is brighter, and even when it's dark, that person provides a light for you and lifts you up even when you feel empty.

To say that I am the luckiest girl in the world is the biggest understatement I have ever heard.

Thank you, my love. I cannot wait to spend my life with you, build a family, buy a home with you and make more memories that we will cherish forever.

[herlifethewayitis]

Jesus does save lives

I had a conversation with my Dad this morning and I've been stewing on it since then... 

Over the last 10 months... it's been painful. 

I have been angry, sad, depressed, ashamed, guilty, confused.. just about everything you can feel when you're staring into the ice cold eyes of divorce and staring at who you've become. 

It takes very heavy circumstances for a person to see their own reality and the bed they made, and now have to lay in. I could go on and on about how my spouse is fully to blame for my actions, or, I could take a look at myself and figure out why I took the path I did, and how I got there and then make changes and set boundaries so that I don't repeat the same mistakes in the future. 

I took a good 6 months before I finally realized I need to buck up and face this mess or the mess will consume me... and the mess sure did consume me... I just didn't realize it. I've not been healthy for years and If I'm being honest, I'm not all the way there yet. None of us ever are. 

We all have work to continuously do on ourselves. God has always been around in my life... I just wasn't always around for God. I didn't make time. I have a few people in my life who encouraged Jesus and loved me even when everyone around me hated me. Its because of them and because of Jesus that I didn't commit suicide. 

I was convinced. I wanted to die. The anger, the guilt, the shame, the sadness, the pain that hurts so badly in your heart that you can't breathe... was so much for me to carry that I just didn't want to live any more. 

It became a constant text or call to someone in my inner circle saying "hey, I'm having really dark thoughts"... and them talking me down. And that was Jesus holding my hand, bringing me to the help that I needed because I couldn't do it alone. 

10 months later... I have more confidence, I have asked for forgiveness and been forgiven. I have had hard conversations with those I needed to, to make amends and grow, I am happy, I work extremely hard, I thank Jesus every single day for everything good in my life and thank him for being here when I hurt the most. 

My children are happy, they are healthy, and they are doing better than I expected. They are angry, rightfully, but I'm grateful that God has allowed us (their parents) to be patient and understanding with what they are feeling and allow them to express when they are angry or sad. 

I should have the most understanding as I've been through this. What was the most painful, tragic thing I've been through, turned out to be a blessing, a loss, but a blessing. 

I am doing things I've never done in my life, healthy things, and where I didn't think i could ever do anything right in my life.... 

God showed me another way.

[herlifethewayitis]

What's it like, living in the dark?

Defeated.

Exhausted.

Depressed.

Anxious.

Defective.

Unheard.

Rejected.

Alone.

Afraid.

Suicidal.

Hopeless.

Done.

Over it.

Disappointment.

Worthless.

Unneeded.

Unwanted.

Unlovable.

Failure.

Broken.

Wanting someone to see everything I'm spelling out, try to understand and feel empathy being placed over my life.

Yet

Here I am again, swimming in the dark. Drowning even.

It takes drastic measures for someone to see people like me. Hear people like me. Accept my mistakes and love me anyways.

I'm not the image you have in your head.

People say I need to change and open my heart, I do, and I'm abandoned yet again.

Maybe, after all, you're the ones who are in the dark and I'm trying to shine a light on what you refuse to see.

What's it like, inside the dark?

I guess you'll never know unless you put yourself in my shoes.

[herlifethewayitis]

Last night, I didn't sleep. Only for an hour.

Last night I didn't sleep. Only for an hour. For four months, I had moments of feeling heart broken by the end of my marriage. I had moments of blaming myself for everything. I had moments of strength where I was able to share my truth about what I'd been through in my marriage. I had moments where I was shut down so badly, that not a single tear could fall from my eyes.

Last night I didn't sleep. Only for an hour. And for the first time, the pain hit my heart and mind differently.

I got into bed after starting this blog, and I thought long and hard about the day I had. I worked, then filed for divorce. I played some video games, and then... before bed, I wrote a long blog about what its like to file for divorce. I climbed into bed, sitting in silence. I just... sat there. I didn't think about how I had work today. I didn't think about how many boxes I have left to pack for my move tomorrow. I didn't think about how the sleep deprivation is going to make my heart hurt even worse than it already does. Last night I didn't sleep. Only for an hour. I am so exhausted. My mind speaks for me sometimes. When I say my mind, I mean anxiety and depression. It speaks for me often. In four months, it's spoken in isolation and anger.

Last night, it spoke by sobbing into my pillow. Turning my bed into a giant ocean that I could only wish I'd just drown in so I don't have to feel anymore. I squeeze each of my pups tight, one at a time while I cried. Also, thinking about how I'm not taking them with me when I move. Last night I didn't sleep. Only for an hour. Is this the new normal for my life?

It's no secret to anyone that I'm dating someone, and almost immediately after my split with my spouse. What most don't know, he's in Germany. What only a few know, He's visiting in August, and moving here in January. I'm pretty freaking crazy right? Probably. Most likely. Definitely. Not loving myself for a long time has led to impulsive decision making. You know what I don't regret? Choosing to date him. I won't sit here and make everyone sad about the details of how I feel about him. not yet. And here I am, again, protecting everyone else's feelings, and placing my heart and mind on the back burner. people pleaser. Last night I didn't sleep. Only for an hour. What did I do to ease the overwhelming pain? What do I always do? music. poetry. writing. recording. producing. It's my safe space. I cried for an hour, cried myself to sleep. I woke up to a phone call from the man I'm dating, worried out of his mind because of how I'm feeling right now. He cares. So deeply. You want to know what's the horrible part? The part that shattered my soul more than everything I was already feeling? The reality of my decision making. Dating someone immediately after splitting from a marriage. How unfair it is for him to witness my grief over someone I still love so much, but cannot be with anymore. The reasoning behind people saying you should wait a year at least before dating again. How I didn't give an opportunity to myself to really heal. Even worse? Sharing all of this with him.

I know it breaks his heart because of how deeply he cares for me. We had a long conversation, I cried for another 2 hours. We are on the same page and he was so kind and understanding. But he's also human, so he was hurt, and I allowed him to feel how he was feeling. That's only fair right? and then he had to go to work. So, I hopped on my pc and wrote a deeply, pain-filled song. I can't even listen to it today, as it causes my pain to resurface. Last night I didn't sleep. Only for an hour.

The words I type cannot grasp how much hurt and pain I feel in my heart. I can only hope, that maybe one day, regardless of my mistakes, that my pain will be heard fully, and I'll feel loved again. I'll never feel loved as long as I don't love myself. Last night I didn't sleep. and so, you're reading depression all over this post.

[herlifethewayitis]

The Wall Between Us

Tears        Too many tears A wall        A wall built way too high

tired eyes. restless.  defeated.  broken.  The way that a person hurts.  The way that a person heals.  The way that a person suffocates. The way that a person grieves.  grief.  sorrow. regret? suffering.  Sad in the way a willow tree’s branches sway in the wind.  darkness.  raw feelings.  hiding.  isolation. 

Emotions comparable to mother nature’s way of speaking to us all. 

The sad drops of rain falling from your eyes.  An angry tornado tearing through your heart, destroying you internally.  The cold falling of snow; brokenness stacking. The wind, blowing a million miles an hour, taking the breath right out of you.

The wall that was built between us. 

silence. slowly dying. fear of losing you. fear of losing us.

The wall broke us apart. 

it’s refusal to allow us to connect.                                                                                  the metaphorical wall that blocked us from hearing one another.                                                       the toxicity that is the world that allowed us to separate.                                                                                      the choices that cracked our foundation. 

hurtful words. 

painful deceit. 

separation. 

divorce. 

All because of the wall that was built between us. 

[herlifethewayitis]

Today, I filed for divorce. 

People don’t tell you how that’s going to make you feel. 

All you hear is:  “It’s going to be painful.”  “Are you sure you want to do that?” “But you just bought a house!” “What about the kids?”  “You should be ashamed for you what you’ve done.” “You’re going to fall flat on your face for this.”  “You’re a bitch.” “You’re a cheater.” “You’re a liar.”  The point of this isn’t why I filed for divorce. It’s a matter of what all of those statements make any one person feel, how it affects their mental health going forward, how it affects the way they respond to people, and the deep dark pain that comes with divorcing someone you’ve been with the bulk of your life. 

You spend a long time with someone, and then just like that, it’s over. Did I make mistakes that led to this? Absolutely, I did. I will be honest about what role I played in my marriage that lead to it’s slow death, and now, a divorce. 

Today, I filed for divorce. 

At first, I was EXTATIC. Ready to move on, ready to grow on my own, with my kids. Ready for life to just move forward and be done with my past. 

That’s probably what a lot of people think divorce looks like, at first when filing, or, if they have never experienced it.  I wouldn’t ever wish this on anyone.  Any one person can appear one way on Social Media. Any one person can fake a smile. Any one person can say that they are the happiest they’ve ever been, but is that really true? Or are we deceiving ourselves, just to get through the day? To get through an hour, a minute, or a measly second. 

Do you want to know what divorce actually looks like? What it actually looks like to file and commit to such a heavy action?  Let me spell it out for you. 

Have you ever lost a pet? Have you ever lost a loved one? Have you ever been heartbroken, by any circumstances?  Filing for divorce, for me, that is, feels much worse than that.  It’s not sleeping. It’s either not eating or never ending binge eating. It’s your day going perfectly, and then, just like that, at 2pm, you think of a beautiful memory and you cry the rest of the day. It’s waking up every hour at night because you’re used to sleeping in a bed with them. It’s waking up every hour at night because your heart feels so shattered that it’s the end but you know this is the best thing for you. It’s waking up in tears because you still love your almost-ex-spouse and you feel like that pain is never going to fade. It’s sitting in silence.  It’s raging with anger because you want to block out the sadness you feel inside.  It’s the thought that it’s over.  It’s that everything is your fault.  It’s that I am a huge disappointment to my children.  It’s that I’m a horrible mother because I couldn’t just figure it out.  It’s suicidal thoughts for 4 months, because the pain feels way too much to bare.  It’s crying out to God, in sadness, and in anger, because lets face it, it’s easy to blame God for our short comings.  It’s praying that God would find a way to take me out of the world because I cannot bare this never ending feeling of brokenness.  But all of this, isn’t that simple.  There’s tons and tons more I can share about how this feels.  Today, I filed for divorce. I went through page after page filling information about Myself, Him, the kids, our finances, custody, splitting holidays up... the list goes on.  You know what was the hardest? Thinking about how my daughters will be hurt by this. They may not get it now, but they will be angry at me one day. They will be angry at him. At US. They are going to grow up with trust issues, abandonment issues, co-dependency, bad eating habits, insecurities... the list goes on.  And this is all because, we couldn’t get our shit together. Speaking for myself, I couldn’t get my shit together.  Today, I filed for divorce.  For a minute, I felt complete relief, that I’m free.  No, not yet. In 6 months or so, when it’s truly finalized. 

I never understood the magnitude of what it means to file for divorce.  Until, Today, when I filed for divorce.