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whats up fuckers i’m back and still g ay

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bleh

for the first time since election week i feel like crying again about stupid politics. its just... it becomes “really real” tomorrow.  months in advance i wrote in my journal about how “even though he’s not gonna win, i’m kinda curious to know what would even happen, like the same part of my brain that stares at car accidents and watches ‘life after people’ almost wants him to win just to see how awful it is.  i don’t actually want it, but i’m still curious” WELL GUESS WHAT FUCKO IT HEKCIN HAPPENED AND NOW WE HAVE TO DEAL IWTH IT IN THE REAL WORLD HAHAHHAFHDKHFDKHFKDHFKDHFKDF FUCK

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meh

remembers how gay i am

(holy shit)

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uh, and the more open i am to being bi the more i’m like !!!! when i see/think about some people.  so basically compulsory heterosexuality and gender roles ruined my life lmao bc without that i might have figured this shit out ages ago

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politics n shit, don’t reblog

like. i’m still trying to sort out election stuff. i want to be right, and i want to be compassionate and genuinely understanding for people different than me, and i want that to include people with different ideologies than me.  people rarely fall neatly into ideological boxes, and things get messy and complicated.  especially when it’s people you love.  

my family is so politically divided, and i want to look past that, but all i see are ways they are intolerant or ignorant in ways that will negatively affect people.  they don’t see climate change as a threat, when the scientific community is in agreement that it’s a problem, a human-caused problem, and if we don’t act quickly (using stuff that’s already available) it’ll get indescribably worse.  they’re ok with racist jokes, homophobic jokes, transphobia, and islamophobia.  they justify it with “not actually using slurs” or hushed tones in front of the kids, and being friendly enough to poc/lgbt to their faces, but underneath i’m aware it’s there and it bothers me so fucking much.  even the more left-leaning side of my family, posting stuff about bernie sanders all day on facebook then telling racist jokes at dinner, or my one cousin sending REALLY racist/sexist/homophobic memes in the cousin group chat.  i’ve stopped responding to the group chat, and i don’t laugh or smile at the jokes, but i’m so pathetic, i’m the worst kind of “ally” because you’re supposed to stand up for people no matter what. but i get so flustered, and i’m bad at even standing up for myself, how can i stand up for others? who aren’t even there and against people i still love? it bothers me so much, makes me so uncomfortable, but i’m so bad at articulating even generic stuff, and i’m too much of a wimp.  

i know they can change, on homophobia alone i know in like 2008ish my parents were “marriage is strictly btwn man & woman no questions asked” then by 2012 they were “ehh... i dont want it called marriage and it’s still weird and stuff, but they are devoted couples and should have the same rights” and now its just kinda... i guess not on their radar as something to be opposed to anymore.  they’re kinda in the “born this way” ideology like “they just cant help it! and they can’t be changed, why be a dick about it?” but still making comments about how “weird” it was when we went to a friend’s son’s wedding-type-ceremony-in-a-state-that-at-the-time-didn’t-have-equal-marriage and making “not that there’s anything wrong with that!” jokes at even the vaguest hint that someone might be (stereotypically) gay

ugghhghgh the best i did to stand up was when my dad was going on about how “clean coal really is” and what a lie climate change is.  like, imo that shouldn’t even be a politicized thing, it should be what we should do about it, not whether or not it exists.

i’m so fucking afraid for the future, pissed beyond description that a shitbag like trump won, but also, how do we get through this? it’s not just one area of government, and with congress and the supreme court in his favor (presumably, although maybe he’ll be too out of line for his own party, even if there’s no evidence of that so far) he’ll pretty much be able to do whatever he wants.

russia- well, i wasn’t around for the cold war, but this is the closest i’ve come to really understanding the cold war history unit (and i had several intense units about it in high school in both american and russian/ussr history classes).  i mean, in theory, we should try to be peaceful with them, but they’re doing shitty things, in their own country and in others, that i don’t agree with.  but those largely don’t apply to us, at least directly, and i don’t think its our job to get involved every time someone does something.  especially not with another nuclear power.  but... they also hacked us.  to what degree, i don’t know, there’s so much swirling around about that, its so difficult to remember what is true and what’s rumor.  but we do know they hacked us in an apparent attempt to swing the election towards trump, even if that’s not what got him elected, even if it wasn’t directly hacking the polls, it was still an attack.  and the fucking president-elect has been beating around the bush about the whole thing, like he and putin are pals, but also no one can control putin like him, like... what?? and then he doesn’t rule out using nuclear weapons, he proposes expanding our arsenal in a fucking TWEET??? 

jesus christ. we are beyond fucked.  i don’t agree with everything any president has said or done.  i wasn’t happy about obama being elected in 2008 (a teenage girl in a small conservative town proud to parrot off whatever her parents or fox news was spouting that day), but i wasn’t scared.  my parents werent scared.  they might have been angry, or bitter, or disappointed, but they weren’t afraid for their safety, or the wellbeing of their friends.  the thought of nuclear war was so far off, and their main concern was money and higher taxes.  buddy, if that’s all you’re worried about, that’s not too bad.  yeah, it isn’t always good, but jesus, now i know the meaning of a bad election result.  

and the thing, to tie it back to my family again, the thing that gets me is no one in my family voted for trump.  not even the staunch conservatives.  they didn’t necessarily vote against him either though, but at least no one liked him.  still just a couple months later they’re defending him.  calling people who are anti-trump special snowflake babies, and the like.  they don’t know my political beliefs, they don’t know i have friends (some of them the same friends since elementary school) that are lgbt, or (heck) even democrats.  they don’t know who i voted for, and they only asked me once; i gave a vague non-answer.  i know my candidates (a fairly enthusiastic bernie sanders voter, turned fairly lukewarm clinton voter/very anti-trump voter) were not perfect, but given our political system it’s not like i had another choice, and i felt i was doing my part.  but hearing them bash not only my candidate/s but their voters on a personal level, saying they should “put plastic bags over their heads” was... yikes.  like i know nasty things are said about trump voters, but those are against people who’d vote for a man who has said downright (and allegedly done!) disgusting things regarding women and minorities.  i have no respect for him (and literally never will. at age 70 if he hasn’t gotten his shit together by now he is irredeemable in my eyes), i try to understand people who voted for him, but its difficult... how do you look past all that?? i know many are desperate, many don’t like him, or whatever, but... dude??? 

there’s no way for him to earn my respect, and people defending him lose my respect as well.  my only consolation is that i still don’t think he’ll last long, and while pence as president would be absolutely horrific, at least it would resemble a presidency.  we would be set back decades, but not into an unfamiliar dystopian future with rampant war and corruption.  its not much of a consolation, but it’s all i have for the next four years. i love my country, but what. the hell. happened. 

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meh tmi

i’m trying to figure out my weird new period schedule (13 days in between periods can’t be right!!!) and if i should worry more (it’s been doing this since october- like a normal period just every two weeks or so) and i keep coming back to “i’m going to be 24 this year and i’ve never been to a gynecologist before (and i didn’t know what they WERE before i was like 20)” and i don’t even know how u would go see one 

the most sex-ed talk i got from my parents was “i’ll tell you when you’re older (when i asked what my dog was really doing when she was “hugging” my leg) and a subtle handing me the American Girl book on puberty and hygiene when i was 11ish.  (then subtle “u should wear a pad (when i was 12)” and “u want to go buy ‘underwear?’ (bras)” and handing me a pack of tampons with the instructions inside when i was 14)

all i remember from school was basic puberty stuff about menstrual cycles, in 5th-7th grades, then 7th grade ‘don’t get STD’s or pregnant or engage in “risky behaviors” (whatever that means- never said what those even were)’  and then basic mechanics of reproduction in my high school biology class.  

honestly? most of what i actually know came from friends, pop culture, and more recently, tumblr

i didn’t learn shit in high school about anything outside the basic mechanics and a handful of STDs and my parents weren’t much help either

fuck the system of keeping people ignorant about their bodies and relationships.  i’m not saying i needed to know this all at age 11, but i shouldn’t have made it to age 18 before i found out what “oral sex” actually meant (but i knew it could transfer STD’s!!!) and i didn’t know about basic anatomy, and i STILL see posts about sexuality or pregnancy or childbirth/ its immediate aftermath and i have NO idea what they’re talking about and its just frustrating

like i feel like i have a pretty good grasp in the end but just.. it’s like society has such a taboo that it’s just ending up hurting more people and they don’t even know their own health!!! like- i was in a class a couple years ago (a COLLEGE level class) and the professor just asked for a casual survey from the roughly 15-20 ppl there asking if male or female and what two days of a standard menstrual cycle are ovulation days and out of the whole class only FOUR got it right (all female) these are ADULTS and only 4 out of 15 or so got it right.  (the class was pretty evenly divided m/f too it wasn’t like there were only 4 girls)  

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ok but girls are just.. aaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

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this blog is purely an outlet for me to explore an almost neglected part of my identity.  i love applying labels to myself, i just don’t know which one to use yet.  

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there’s this post like “you don’t know there’s turtles in your pond until you actually find them” and i kinda think that rings true??? but what if u don’t know all that much about turtles but u got a fuck ton of something that could be turtles or maybe just another kind of frog???

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the waffling between bi-ace-and-straight is crazy 

a typical conversation in my head is like

“maybe i’m bi.  those thoughts/worries from elementary school-high school all suggest bisexuality.  all those times u were insecure/defensive? that was just u in denial, bc u didn’t know any better and were worried about your parents judging u.  now u know better and can accept who u truly are :)”

“no, no. u are straight.  those thoughts/worries are common, even among ppl who are straight.  those crushes? they really were friend-crushes!  it was all platonic.  don’t worry.  u don’t have to worry about disappointing ur parents.  ur a bit curious, sure, but ultimately straight.”  

“guys... have u even felt real attraction? sure u got a bit flustered that one time, but was it really that kind of feeling?  maybe... u don’t feel any attraction?  maybe all those “crushes” were actually platonic squishes?? u’ve got to be ace.  u’ve said it urself, u dont see urself in that kind of relationship! that’s not some self esteem crap, that’s u literally not wanting that kind of attention.  ur ace af.”  

“ugh, special snowflake.  before tumblr u didn’t even know ace was a thing!  and bi??? not something u’d come up with on ur own, i’ll say that.  stop pretending to be something ur not.  in a few years u’ll settle down with some guy and forget all this even happened.”

“but.. those feelings are there... and real...”

“but they’re platonic!”

“only platonic towards girls!”

“...”

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foreshadowing

do u ever notice (years in hindsight) all the foreshadowing in ur childhood

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memories

it’s weird looking back 

how much i repressed 

i had thoughts that i just squashed down 

but they were still essentially there

aging to a fine vintage

and now i can visit the cellar and appreciate it for what it is

(but first i have to acquire a taste for it)

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welcome to the sin pen