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From Not Just A Tomboy - Caspar Baldwin

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yeah

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How do you feel about New year's resolutions? I've never liked them, haven't made one in years. I feel like a new year is so full of uncertain opportunity that I don't want to impress my old worn-out plans on it while it's still so young. We don't know where it's going. Setting a resolution is just setting yourself up to feel a failure if it turns out that's not where the new year needed to go at all. // Howl

totally agree with you. love the way you phrased it. mostly i just want to know what kind of energy i’d like to surround myself with, and traditional resolutions aren’t helpful, as you said. i believe starting anything with quick reflection and an intention is an easy way to create space for purpose, hope, and productivity. also, i think reviewing the past year equips me to continue life with intentionality, while also finding something to celebrate, marking growth. i just like to set the tone for a new year, and i like to return to these thoughts, to have a better view of where the past year did need to take me… so here’s my new year practice! just pick and choose what speaks to you.

note again: (i don’t want to date this post, so i am inputting xxxx rather than a year)note also: this is a long one, bc i am extra. i work through this all december. don’t rush it.

quick answer: 

look over the last year. decide what you want to…🌱take with you into the next year. 🌱leave behind in this year. 🌱generate in the next year. there. you’re done. (it’d be rad if you shared your thoughts with us.)

long answer:

generally i start prepping for the new year by reviewing the past year, to celebrate and assess what i may need for the future. educated guessing with the power of studying, if you will. answer some questions about this past year, such as,🌱what did i embrace in xxxx?🌱what did i let go of in xxxx?🌱what changed for you in xxxx?🌱what did i discover about myself in xxxx?🌱what was i grateful for in xxxx?🌱when did fear hold me back in xxxx?🌱when did i practice bravery in xxxx?🌱what made me smile in xxxx?🌱what conclusions did i reach in xxxx?🌱list three accomplishments from xxxx🌱what skills helped make these accomplishments happen?🌱how has my life changed?🌱how did i celebrate? how could i better celebrate in the future?🌱list three challenges from xxxx🌱how did i deal with these challenges?🌱what was a favorite moment from xxxx?🌱did anything happen in xxxx that needs to be forgiven? where is gentleness necessary?🌱xxxx in three words

then, using what i have learned, i might look forward and brainstorm for the next year. again, this is simply brainstorming:🌱what topics might i want to explore in xxxx?🌱what professional / academic goals might i have for xxxx?🌱how might i practice better self care?🌱which habits might i hope to change/shift/kick?🌱what project may i want to complete?🌱where do i want to be this time next year, physically, mentally, spiritually?

based on these answers, i make my intentions. i make a quick spread in my journal/planner. on one side i answer these questions, with the fewest amount of words i possibly can. also, i answer with as few answers as i can, usually 1-4 bullet points of 1-5 words each:🌱what topics do i want to explore?🌱what do i hope to achieve professionally/academically?🌱how can i take better care of myself?🌱what unhealthy habits do i hope to change?🌱what creative project do i want to complete?return to next december. this is where i see where the year needed to take me. write this down. have grace for yourself.

on the other page, i do the most important work. i ask and answer the question “here, where do you want to bephysically, mentally, spiritually,this time in decemberxxxx?”the spacing is important to me, bc it acknowledges that i’m setting these visions from where i sit now. it allows for shifting.i then bullet point words that come to mind, having setting the groundwork earlier with the more extended questions. i don’t think too hard. i just listen for the underlying themes of my desires / struggles.then i write one last word that encapsulates all the other words. last year, i did find a quote that also kind of encapsulate how i felt, and i included this also.often, this becomes a sort of mantra, especially if you can boil it down to a single word. words > resolutions. you can work a word into everything you do, and decide goals week by week, month by month, based on the word and your current need.

LET. IT. ALL. MORPH. rewrite intentions every couple months or so. once you settle on what calls to your heart, keep it. example, last december i wrote:centered :quietly confident:at peace :connected:strongly vulnerable :open:loving :happy to be alive:trusting :active :clean:open hands :prayerful:honest :bulkier :naturally healthy:rested : content :hopefully confidentwhich came down to “i am centered, thoughtful and loving.”later, it morphed into “i am able. ready wild. centered and unalone. i resolve to root myself into routine, nourishing intention.” along with the quote “remember not the former things; behold- i am doing a new thing; now, it springs forth. make a way in wilderness and desert.”

if you want to be particularly extra, like me…. i also pull oracle cards. get your hands on a deck, ask “am i on the right path, and how must i walk forward,” shuffle, and pull three cards that call to you.first card: describes where you have beensecond card: describes what you need nowthird card: describes what you need moving forward

this is just an organized, intentional way for me to set goals month to month, rather than year to year, and to continue building, depending on the way my time went.

if ya wanna see my spread example lmk. it seems like a lot of writing, but it’s a hella low key, clear spread and that’s why i like it.

kudos if you made it this far.

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If a really kind person wanted to praise me, they would say.. that i was easy to get along with. That i was concerned for the welfare of others. That im a hard worker.

If a really tough person assesed me, they'd say.. that i was flakey and unreliable. That im arrogant and self-obsessed. That i dont listen. That i martyr myself and try to get pity from others, that i wallow in misery... this is much easier than the first bit.

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Shame.

So one of the most prominant emotions that appears in my low times is that of shame. I am ashamed to be human - we are a pestilence on this planet. What we have done to other species, and to each other is inexcusable. I am ashamed to be british - for all that has been done in the name of the british empire. I am ashamed to be white.. to be privelaged... to be able bodied.

I know that i am what i am. I know that to hold myself responsible for any of these things is egotistical and arrogant.. but i cannot help to feel ashamed to be alive.

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Assignment - Euthanasia: Aurelia's Story, 09/08/2018 GMT - @bbcworldservice http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/w3cswf57

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“I have a hard time with life even when it’s good. I’m just uncomfortable all the time. And my goal is to figure out how to live life on life’s terms. I don’t want to just be happy all the time. I want to be able to just BE. And I struggle with that. The opening line: ‘I don’t like my mind right now.’ That is me 24 hours a day and if I get stuck in my head, I just find life really hard. And it doesn’t have to be.”

— Chester Bennington on Linkin Park’s song Heavy

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7 Benefits of Solitude

1. It helps you regain your perspective on life.

2. It helps you to think more clearly and rationally.

3. It helps you to relax, and to unwind properly.

4. It helps to regulate and to calm powerful emotions.

5. It helps you figure out what you truly think and feel.

6. It helps you find solutions that are meaningful to you.

7. It helps you to be real, and to find yourself again.

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It must be so painful being a closeted ace on tumblr nowadays. We fought hard to make asexual resources more widespread, because young aces deserve answers. The alternative is daunting. And I lived it.

When I was a teenager, I destroyed my body by forcing myself into sexual situations because I didn’t know about asexuality. Well, I knew about it, but of course I wasn’t asexual. No one in their right mind would be.

I was young, Asian, depressed, and a closet ace. All my access to basic human decency relied on sex. I didn’t know how to address sexual intimacy, or romantic relationships. I didn’t have any asexual vocabulary or knowledge of what it meant to be ace.

I’ll never be able to regain a whole chunk of my life. That’s all been tainted by years of neglect and abuse.

So I’m part of a movement that’s trying to prevent such a thing from happening again. And this bullshit pushback that I’m seeing? This claim that our attempts to save ace youth is somehow a detriment to people who aren’t ace? That our readiness to offer options is to blame for the actions of our mutual oppressors?

My closeted, confused young self was on the road to death. That’s inarguable. That’s what happens when aces have no options.

Even now, I struggle with asexual explicitry and how to embrace sex as a queer survivor. I NEED asexual visibility. And I need others like me to find a community with.

This shitty trend of trying to erase asexual growth is flat out violence.

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Reasons why I need the A in LGBTIAQ to stand for Asexual, not Ally

Because my mother told me that all I needed to do was get drunk and lie back and let me husband have his fun. Because if I was drunk, I’d be more relaxed and it’d be over sooner

Because my sister told me that I was trapping my husband in an abusive marriage, and that one day he was going to leave me

Because both of them looked at me in disgust

Because my asexuality is considered to be as great a crime against my husband as a woman who has affairs and cheats on her husband

Because my cousin didn’t even try to understand, and just kept asking ‘but what about in five years? how will you feel then?’

Because I was so afraid of my body and so afraid of sex that I didn’t seek medical help for a legitimate question for over a year for fear of being labelled a deviant or something broken

Because I still ask myself at least once every day if my husband wouldn’t be better off without me

Because I still ask myself at least once every day if I’m broken

Because I still tell myself at least once every day that I’m pathetic and useless and an abnormality

Because I love my husband with every fibre of my being, but everywhere I turn I’m told I really don’t, because love = sex

I need A to stand for Asexual because nobody ever talked to me about asexuality even when I was an outpatient at the women’s hospital for 18 months, and everyone told me desire would come in time

I need A to stand for Asexual because we are literally invisible, and so unimportant that people assume we don’t even need representation, because everyone assumes our lives must be bland and unimportant and lacking in challenges or bigotry

For every asexual that wants a relationship, for every asexual that does not want a relationship, for every asexual who has not yet come to terms with their identity, for every asexual who was told we were abnormalities, for every asexual who was told we just weren’t doing sex right, that we needed a good fucking, that we needed to be drunk, that we needed to relax, that we needed to be raped

We need representation, and we need visibility

That is why the A needs to stand for Asexual, and never for Ally

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I have had the experience of finding out I was ace and later on aro. Still, I find it infuriating that I cannot figure out my gender orientation. I present myself as female only because I know that if I did anything otherwise in my small conservative town, I would be in a lot of trouble. I tend to gravitate towards more masculine clothing though I never ever actually buy it (see above reason). I don't want to be a man, but I don't want to be a girl either. Do you have any clues for me?

Honestly. Gender is the weirdest one out of everything.You don’t have to be one of two things first of all. it’s not an either/or. it’s not even a slidey thing between masculine and feminine. it’s more like a multidimensional mass and you can pick any one or a thousand options all at the same time.It’s confusing.Everyone’s “gender” is different. because gender starts in your head and your heart basically. It’s what you feel like. and first of you feel as you, so anyone’s gender is like “YOUgender” basically.I have no Idea what my gender even is.I feel icky being called a woman and doing very feminine things, but sometimes I DO want to be a bit feminine. My clothes are very androgyne I guess? most of the time? sometimes they#Re feminine sometimes masculine most of the time neither really.

Gender is weird. you don’t have to find your explicit tiny word t odescribe it.If all you can say is nonbinary or genderqueer or “Not either of those options” that’S fine.gender is this weird intangible thing. it’s ok if you can’t explain it. you don’t have to explain it.

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Assisted suicide is the answer to the ageing population.

Ive been thinking about this alot recently. The population of the world is getting bigger and as our effects on the planets climate become more apparent were gonna end up in a pretty nasty situation. Our population will fall to natural control eventually... famine, disease, mass migration, war. But is there another way to reduce the population without the horror?

Surely the answer is to allow medically assisted suicide. Individuals, such as myself, could have the ability to go 'you know what.. ive had enough'. As climatic and economic conditions worsen, more and more people will look to this option (particularly the child-less millenial individuals like myself - who will most likely turn into an ageing, poverty stricken, welfare dependent class of single people).

There is also the ethical issue of what constitutes a good death. Suicide has always been seen as a sad, desperate, awful situation... and due to the stigma surrounding it and messy methods.. it usually is. But it doesnt have to be. We tell children that sick dogs get 'put to sleep' because its 'the humane thing to do'.... so why do we force our own people to endure years of pain, sickness and solitude... (often at the expense of the state)... even if their one wish is to die?

And imagine if the stigma was gone.. you could organise your perfect send off.. say all your last words, be in your favourite place, with your favourite people.. and leave this world when you want.. peacefully and respectfully.

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“Sometimes it feels better not to talk. At all. About anything. To anyone.”

— @MINDSETOFGREATNESS

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When you can overhear someone on the bus..

And theyre talking crap. Proper offensive bullsh*t. At first its slightly amusing.. then you try to ignore it. Then you wanna tell them to shut up... eventually you just feel drained having to listen to them.

This is the kind of dialogue in my head everyday. Depression is exhausting.