hellomonsterr

[hellomonsterr]

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[hellomonsterr]

I’m a horrible person.

My “stepbrother” has been in the horrible in critical condition for 11 days. Some dumb kid was driving stupid and hit his bike. It feels like My family is having me care about a stranger, but they keep giving me updates since I should care more than I do. Everytime they call and give me good news, the next day it’s bad news. Today is the first time my mom has admitted he may not make it. He was dead on arrival, had been resuscitated 3 times, and is now not responding to being taken off of the paralytics, paid meds , and being out of the coma.

And all I can think about is I that is now have an 80% chance of needed to make a trip to Cali....

[hellomonsterr]

Being pregnant and s weird. Like. I’m not sick anymore. I’m bloated but not like.... baby belly fat. I can’t use the stupid doppler we were given because peanut is hiding. Like I haven’t felt pregnant for - couple weeks, but my sinuses are going crazy and I can’t take anything to help them.

Like if I hadn’t gotten an extra ultrasound a couple of weeks ago to prove I was still pregnant. I would be having anxiety attacks. The only reason I am not a complete mess is because is got to see little peanut, and the rational part of me knows that we are past the risk period.

But literally I might punch the next person who asks if I can feel the baby move, or if I know what I’m having yet. Like it’s the same 5 people, who get the same answer every time.

And what am I going to do when I actually do show and everyone wants to touch my belly. I almost had a panic attack think about it on Friday. The only people I’m comfortable having any type of physical contact with that aren’t my family or Cory are in California.

So basically I’m a mess and the next 5 1/2 months are going to be so hard because all I want to do is focus on enjoying this.

[hellomonsterr]

Anxiety is like being set on fire and trying to be calm about it while waiting for someone to put it out. But everyone around you is like, “What fire? Don’t worry about it.”

[hellomonsterr]

Sitting in the waiting room for an ultrasound that tells me if everything I’m doing is working, and having my instagram flooded with people’s pregnancy announcements, and gender reveals, and babies sucks. I want to be happy for them, but I’m kinda just angry that we are still trying. I’m sticking myself with needles and taking all these pills and timing everyfuckingthing. All because I’m broken. And now I just feel guilty. We want this, and my body just doesn’t, and this isn’t the other people’s fault. They probably have their own issues, and I’m not being fair. This is stupid and tmi but whatever.

[hellomonsterr]

Mama ginger kitty adopts four orphaned baby hedgehogs after their mother dies, and raises them alongside her own kitten.

INature

[hellomonsterr]

[hellomonsterr]

Waiting sucks

I spent the last 5 years telling my self I didn’t want kids. Long enough that I was starting to believe that lie. I think that’s the hardest part of fertility specialists.

I let myself want kids again. We have both desperately wanted kids since basically the beginning. We now have this hope that this might work. But the thing is, it doesn’t always. I’m trying so hard to remember that and not get my hopes up. Everything has happened how it is supposed to in the past month, and we’ll find out if we’re pregnant on Christmas Day.

Until then, I have to wait for the HCG trigger shot to get out of my system. I have to remind myself, and remind him, that the shot has all the same symptoms of pregnancy, because it is the pregnancy hormone. Which is why we can’t do anything until Christmas, because it won’t be out of my system until then.

Basically, you’d think that I would be able to keep telling myself that it’s okay if it doesn’t work, and not stress. But I don’t know how. This is hard and I took a test this morning knowing it would only show the shot, because I was hoping it was out of my system. It’s not, I knew it wouldn’t be.

So im going to keep sitting her and praying for patience, and wishing that I felt comfortable going to church, and wishing that more people were understanding about this process instead of just being overly fucking excited that’s we’re trying.

[hellomonsterr]

João Paulo Bragato  -   https://www.facebook.com/bragatoilustra?_rdr  -  http://bragatoilustra.deviantart.com  -  https://instagram.com/bragatoilustra

[hellomonsterr]

So my roommate (girl) bought this vodka?? and me (guy) and my other roommate (guy) poured a glass and have just been staring at it for a good 10 minutes idk what is this glitter fuckery I don’t wanna drink it

[hellomonsterr]

no offense but money would solve literally every single one of my problems. like all of them. i dont have a single problem that money wouldnt immediately solve

[hellomonsterr]

My favorite thing is when people remember little things I told them. like seriously? you actually listened to me? thank you

[hellomonsterr]

[hellomonsterr]

Messy handwriting is like the written version of a thick accent I can’t understand.

[hellomonsterr]

sure, when my grandfather fought nazis and fascism he was “a hero” and “on the right side of history” but when i do it im “way too sensitive” and “no better than they are”

[hellomonsterr]

[hellomonsterr]