hello-rosy-essence - Tumblr blog

[hello-rosy-essence]

Complicated feelings

Liking someone can be complicated.

I thought being in love means that two imperfect people come together to embrace each other’s flaws and be cute together.

I always thought being in love would be simple.

I have always been a cold hearted person who knew being in love isn’t for me.

But when I fall for someone, everything seems so different and difficult.

I am stressed thinking about how to be the most pretty lady in his eyes 🙈 even though I am well aware he has seen more beautiful women than me.

I feel ugly but I wouldn’t mind putting on a cute blue hijab for him. I feel unlovable but I would love to draw cute hearts for him. I do not like makeup that much but I would love to put on some blush before he sees my face. Being a girl is weird I guess? Idk

I am unhappy how I am not a good spouse for him due to my personal feelings and circumstances.

I want to be a better spouse and a person - just to see him smile.

I wish I could return to my cold emotionless self again.

But I know if I ever come across him again, boundaries and religion won’t matter anymore - I will just melt in his arms.

I am slightly scared of seeing how vulnerable I get with him. How I let go of all of my standards, criteria, and dealbreakers just to be in his presence. As someone who has guarded my heart all my life, it’s scary to see how fragile my heart feels with him.

I am not really scared of getting my heart hurt. That means I can return to my cold distant person again.

I am scared of being the reason of disappointment and tears in his eyes.

I am scared of burdening him with my scars and depth of my sorrows. I want to be the reason he smiles…

I hope I don’t truly fall in love… because it’s complicated and I am not ready for it.

I hope I marry an imperfect person where I don’t have to worry about being the perfect spouse and we can chill with each other.

I want to go back being a carefree soul who was lost in her books and art. And never cared about men.

C’est la vie.

L’amour rend toutes choses belles -random quote

[hello-rosy-essence]

Feeling like a Barbie

So, I have been on the search for a good spouse.... since a long time.

And honestly, I am tired of showing my pictures on the apps. I feel sad. I feel tired. Doing my skincare routine right now and I have to put up my fake smile for tomorrow. I feel so ugly. Putting on makeup and hiding my dark circles under my eyes won't make them go away. Wearing clothes that fit me well can't really hide stretch marks on my stomach.

I am partially scared. Scared of marrying someone who is not monogamous and loyal with me. I feel that it is hard to experience true love and genuine emotions.

I have always wanted that sweet innocent kind of love. Where you both vibe with each other and just love being in each other's presence. The kind of love where we both are each other's one and only. The kind of love where you both stay with each other in poverty, death and sickness. I have always been enchanted by the vows of marriage - the beautiful bond where you promise to love unconditionally.

But I'm exhausted of being judged for my age, family status, health problems, and so on. I don't want to show my face and body to random men on apps and matrimonial events anymore. I feel really guilty. I just want to find my person and live a quiet life with him.

However, I remind myself - I am no saintess either. Selflessness and love is absent from my person. I am looking to marry someone who's financially stable, attractive, and so on. Perhaps, the emptiness in my heart comes from being selfish. Perhaps, these are valid requirements to fall in love.

I am not sure what I want from my lover anymore.

But I do know I am tired of doing my skincare routine, wearing my makeup, and dressing up - all for naught. Only to be stared at as a sexual object. I feel really guilty sometimes. But I do need to get married one day. And I do need to put myself out there with the intention of marriage.

Irony of life, I guess... I hope my future husband isn't very possessive and understands where I'm coming from. I'm just an eldest daughter of a dead mother and emotionally neglectful father who's trying to survive the harsh waves of life by myself.

I want to marry someone who will protect me and cherish me. I just want to hug my special someone and sleep in his embrace.

[hello-rosy-essence]

Mon conte de fée... (my fairy tale)

The music for my fairy tale is: Link.

Reading fairy tales while growing up have always left me enchanted...

I feel like the life given to us by God is a gift. A gift we should use with care and love. So, I have been thinking how to turn my life into a fairytale I have always wanted~

Growing up, I have always been traumatized by people. Words they say and actions they took always hurt me somehow. Whether it was about my financial status, looks, or religion - I have never felt enough. So, in my ideal fairy tale - there won't be many people except a few.

I have been thinking about a place for my fairy tale - should I be a mermaid who hides deep in the water and paints coral reefs with her artistic skills? Should I be a fairy who loves to sing and dance with the winds in the realm of a magical forest? Should I be a writer alongside the campfire in the snowy woods? What's the limit to me exploring such places? N-O-N-E.

Magic resides within you. You have the power to change the world. To live the life you truly want, you need to free yourself from the shackles of "what others will think" and explore your heart.

I think being away from people who were toxic towards me really gave me the freedom to think how I want to turn my ordinary life into a fairytale? How I want to live everyday with gratitude and love?

In my ideal fairy tale, I am definitely a teacher who loves to teach her subject (French/Biology). I love coming into my classroom and talking about the things I love!! I want my students to be inspired by my passions for the things I learn and teach- and develop their own interests or person. I want to be an inspiration for people around me. I want to spread kindness and positivity with my existence.

So, yeah so far- that's all I have explored. I will keep updating this document with my ideal fairy tale.

[hello-rosy-essence]

Fashion

So this year I had some disposable income to spend and experiment with my clothes. And I have curated what I really really like wearing and what I don't like wearing so far:

What I really really like wearing...

In my opinion, the first step for acknowledging your own fashion is "acceptance". Sometimes, I feel left out because I do not really dress similar to what my friends or acquaintances wear. And that's completely okay!

We all have our tastes. I am usually a "people pleaser", so I have always tried to adapt to current trends rather than wearing what makes me feel happy. And I am going to change that about myself by recognizing my passions and interests.

I feel like I am into more comfy or oversized clothes. I do not like wear very form fitting clothes and they give me less room to breathe especially when I am working long hours and commuting long hours again, as a teacher. I personally find them impractical and I will only be w2earing tight clothes out of need - like to change up my everyday clothing or because I find them more appropriate for the occasion.

Here are some things which uplift my mood:

Oversized lace dresses in color black (my to-go outfit especially during periods)

Sundresses - I love wearing a cute sundress in all seasons. In winter, I usually wear them with a knit cardigan or layer a shirt underneath them. They make me happy

Flowy satin/silk blouse with wide leg pants - I usually don't like to wear pants until I tried wide leg pants. They are flowy and I really like wearing them. They are easy to move around in as well

Flowy blouse with miniskirt and tights - it's a cute feminine combination. Nothing against it really

My to go comfy outfit is shorts with an oversized tee or a long dress with tights. I really like wearing them at home. I also enjoy cozy pj sets

For gym, I just prefer my tennis skirt with oversized tee OR shorts with oversized tee

My to go winter outfit is sweater with jeans or a knit cardigan with dress

I love OVERSIZED BLAZERS

Hair bows - I find bows cute and they make my day

Headbands - they are my jam. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT MY AGEEEE !!!

For shoes, I like sneakers and boots. I am not a heels girlie

that's pretty much it.

What I do not like wearing...

Very tight clothes like short hoodies. I wasted so much money here smh. Wasn't worth it

Clothes with stripes... I don't like the pattern. Idk why I even buy them

Maxi skirts - I just don't like them as much as I thought I would

Fur anything - seriously, idk why I bought this

Denim with the exception of denim jackets. I didn't like denim on me as much as I thought I would

I feel like I hate TUCKING IN UNLESS ITS A WIDE LEG PANT. I prefer tucked out clothes more cause of my body shape but I don't mind tucking in my blouse for work. Not my preference tho. This is why I do not mind wearing crop tops with wide leg pants so I don't have to tuck in smh

Shapewear... I am just too lazy to care about my stomach coming out or whatever. Its my normal human body

I feel like I prefer wearing full sleeves and half sleeves over sleeveless clothing - because i am too lazy to shave my dark underarms in summers

Color gray - I’ve too many clothes of color gray. But I would prefer to look more vibrant and lively 🙂‍↔️ I just end up buying it cause idk why?? I should be more conscious of my purchases moving forward.

Future goals and improvements

Deep clean the home and create a capsule wardrobe

Minimize as much as I can

Learn what looks good on me and what doesn’t

What is my style?

Approachable

Friendly

Korean fashion is my favorite

Romantic

What will I buy if I need to re-purchase my wardrobe?

Sleeveless and full sleeves black maxi dress

Black tights

Black and navy blue wide leg pants

White, coral, and pink tees

Floral dresses

Tennis skirts in black, white, and pink

Satin black maxi skirt

Satin dress shirts in light blue, pink, coral, and red

That's all for now ~

[hello-rosy-essence]

Marriage trauma

Growing up, I have a heavy amount of trauma related to marriage and men.

My parents did not have the best marriage. They were cousins. My dad was financially abusive with my mom and my mom was not willing to beautify herself for the sake of her husband (I'm assuming she wasn't very sexually attracted to my dad). So, they both were not great partners and were abusive to each other in their own different ways. My dad emotionally cheated multiple times and my mom was never really emotionally invested in my dad either. It was a marriage of convenience. My parents' marriage left me scarred...

When I was young (19) and started going to university, I noticed how Muslim men especially Pakistanis marry women who were fair skinned and skinny. They usually marry either Eastern european, Turkish, Middle eastern or women who fit this criteria. Hijab or religion didn't matter. Just their preference I guess.

I am not very fair skin neither skinny. Just my natural body is slightly curvy (no matter how much I try to lose weight) and tanned. I did not mind it. I like my body because Allah made it. But I always sort of knew getting married was not in my destiny. I made peace with it long ago when I was 19. And I moved on emotionally with the idea of ever having a genuine and happy marriage.

Sometimes, I go on the search because of my family or friends. I do not really have the best interactions with my potentials either.

Most of them have a past or bad habits like smoking shisha. I don't really care because I know how sex obsessed men can be. Some are emotionally manipulative. With the religious men - they expect me to be a hijabi, don't talk to men, and pray 5x times even though most of them have a past. I find them hypocrites. I am also a maternal orphan and diabetic - so its hard to find someone who is not judgmental about my flaws. My family or friends do not really understand this because they haven't lived the same life as me.

I got coerced into holding someone's hand recently and it also made me traumatized from the search. One of my potentials did not reach on time for our coffee date. Most men try to make sexual jokes with me even though I clearly mention I am uncomfortable. Not all men are like that though.

I just have not met the guy who treats me with love and respect, I guess...

I am not interested in improving myself as a spouse for someone unless:

a) he does not have a physical past and no emotional attachments

b) he's nice and caring to me

c) he can financially provide for me

If he does not meet these three conditions, then I expect my future partner to understand that he needs to accept me who I'm as a person. He is not entitled or obligated to ask me to improve as a spouse when he's not the best spouse himself either.

Unlike other Muslims, I do not really mind solitude. I have a long history of being bullied within my local community including hijabis. It is better to be alone than to be hurt by people around you. I enjoy my company and like doing hobbies - arts, swimming, coffee dates, spa dates, and so on.

I try to keep an open heart and mind though. If I find someone who touches my heart in a genuine way, I am open to marrying them.

But so far, no luck. It's fine. I am not particularly excited about marriage for now but I don't mind it either with the right person.

[hello-rosy-essence]

Hobbies List

Whenever I need some time away from the screen and I feel bored, I am going to refer to list so I can actually be productive other than browsing social media-

Hobbies

Reading (in progress)

Learning French (in progress)

Individual Sports

Swimming (in progress)

Skipping rope (in progress)

Hula hoops (in progress)

Dancing (in progress)

Pilates (in progress)

Bicycling (Interested long term if I get time)

Roller skating (Interested long term if I get time)

Rock climbing and bouldering

Hiking

Archery (Interested long term if I get time)

Weightlifting

Trampolining (Interested long term if I get time)

Running

Team player Sports

Badminton (in progress)

Volleyball (in progress)

Soccer

Tennis

Basketball

Dodgeball

Spikeball

Creative

Painting (in progress)

Journaling (in progress)

Jewelry making (Interested long term if I get time)

Floral design (Interested long term if I get time)

Baking (I know some basics of it)

Making your own skincare products (Interested long term if I get time)

Gardening (Interested long term if I get time)

Writing

Scrapbooking

Making miniature art

Solving puzzles - crossword, sudoku and jigsaw (not my thing tbh)

Playing board games - would require a player (I like scrabble)

Wood working

Knitting

Photography

Crochet

Drawing (Interested long term if I get time)

Video games (I have played mhw and genshin so far but I'm not a good player)

Mobile games (Love Nikki dress up game is my one and only favorite)

Embroidery

Pressed flower art ( So pretty tbh)

Misc

Martial arts

[hello-rosy-essence]

Swimming update

Today, I did front floats and back floats using a pool noodle. I’m pretty proud of the progress I’ve made!

… BUT I’m struggling to keep my face underwater for too long during a front float since I’m scared of looking down. Also, my muscles are abit stiff during my back floats!

So there’s tons of progress to make but I’m trying my best and I won’t back down! I’m determined to learn swimming and turn it into a long term hobby.

Swimming has tremendously improved my posture. I used to have a slouching back and I’ve noticed my posture is getting more straight and I’m feeling more confident.

It is also very relaxing and tbh - I’m enjoying my time when I go to swim. There aren’t any people who’ll gossip about me. It’s just me and the water 🩵

I’m not quite sure to continue with group lessons (which are cheap) or find a private instructor for myself (expensive but I’ll learn faster ngl).

However, this summer has been amazing and I’m enjoying quality time with the water 🩵🥰

[hello-rosy-essence]

Swimming

My first day of swimming class was very exciting yet nerve wrecking. As I’m packing my bag to go to my swimming class, I was having second thoughts about learning how to swim 😒

I had a black floral swimsuit. It was on the modest side - knee length. Wished I had worn something shorter or revealing but I was too scared to see my own body. Baby steps at a time. I need to remind myself that I deserve kindness and gentle love towards my own self. Being in a changing room is always sort of intimidating but interesting 😅

As I got closer to the edge of the pool, my heart started beating loudly. But as soon as I got in the pool, I felt calm. I felt like my body belonged here. I felt like if I learn swimming, I can be a cute mermaid and swim through the beautiful waves of Crete or Mykonos one day 🩵 That’s the dream tbh. But I’m only brave enough to swim in indoor pools only 😂

I started practicing my breathing with mouth and nose. Making bubbles underwater was sort of fun. I didn’t go too deep into the water yet as this is my first time, but nevertheless I was proud of my progress. I feel like I’ll get over my fear of water soon ✨

Doing a back float for the first time was a great experience. I was nervous at first but the instructor supported me throughout my first back float. I needed to put my ears in water which scared me but I got used to it over time tbh.

I will keep updating this document with the new swimming techniques I’ll learn and other stuff.

Personally, swimming made me relax and even if I’m not able to learn how to swim in this class - I feel being in water was very relaxing and rewarding. I would prefer to pursue it as a hobby even if I’m not doing my best.

Had fun today 😊✨

Swimming basics and techniques I’m learning so far:

Breathing through mouth

Breathing through nose

Front float

Back float

Front glide

Back glide

Sculling

[hello-rosy-essence]

Harmony and Sensuality

So, this is an awkward topic to talk about as a virgin but I just wanted to share my thoughts or experiences anyways.

I have been taking tango classes at my local gym. And one thing my local instructor emphasizes about is that - being sexy is not just being beautiful, it is a mentality. And when I was learning tango, I truly felt the meaning of it. The way I raise my chin, the way I raise my legs to turn it around and how I coordinate my arms to the rhythm of the music really made me feel attuned to my body.

I have never been a beautiful woman to men around me. I always been the "chubby" one or "ugly" one. But I realized today - beauty is also a mindset. I am not very amazing at dance either, but dance gave me my person back. It really made me feel confident in how I move my body and how there are other kinds of "beauty" out there.

On my wedding day - I can't wait when my future husband's fingers will touch my back tattoo (henna only ofc) when I will be wearing my backless dress. How I will move my body; how I will smell; and what I will whisper in his ear will only be unique to both of us in that moment. And I'm sure in that moment, we would swore to be monogamous with each other~

Beauty isn't something vain like being of a certain body type or skin color. I think I have found my idea of beauty.

For me, beauty comes from being harmonious with your sensuality. I have to think beyond how I look - I want to smell beautiful, move my body with confidence, learn how to enchant with my smile, and finally, whisper my genuine thoughts with love. There is no single way to look beautiful, I just need to find what makes me "feel" the most beautiful.

And a simple answer to that question, is that definitely me wearing a white dress and white flowers in my dark brunette hair while dancing in the moonlight on the beach - is my imagination of feeling beautiful. OR red dress with roses in my hair. I haven’t decided what’s more sensual lol 🫡

Sure, porn can replicate the sight of a woman but it can never replicate the touch, smell, movement, and whispers I will gift to my future husband.

I am off to a journey to figure myself out~ I can't wait to meet someone where our bodies, souls, and minds are connected with each other and explore romantic sensuality together.

[hello-rosy-essence]

Dance

Being in the gym change room is a weird feeling. It’s like I’m a different person. I feel nervous as I’m wearing my tennis skirt with tank top and getting ready to dance. I look at my body and I feel like I’ll never be beautiful enough… sighs

And then, I gently remind myself to be kind and soft towards my person. I remind myself that dancing is all about enjoying myself and there’s no such thing as being right or wrong in my dance. I wear my shiny beautiful smile as I walk towards the dance studio.

Being in arts was a pleasure for my mental health. It really taught me to explore who I’m as a person and develop my own identity independent of being an obedient Muslim daughter.

Dancing really helps me develop my body confidence as I’m simply focusing on the movement of my body along with the rhythm and there’s no such thing as going too fast or too slow. When I dance, I make sure I’m listening to my own movements and the rhythm of my heart - to understand what I’m feeling at this point.

I have learned a lot about myself through dancing. I learnt what kind of dances I enjoy the most. Here’s what I’ve liked so far:

I really like the slow dance which incorporates yoga and stretching too. It helps me feel relaxed.

With my spouse, I would prefer tango, salsa or waltz

Individually, I think I like all kinds of Latin dances.

I’m not into Bollywood as much as I thought tbh. I haven’t explored hip hop yet either.

For now, I stick to simple Latin dances and I’m enjoying them so far. When I’m dancing, I feel like I’m in control of my own person and movement, which really makes me feel happy.

The sweaty look after I finish my dance is pretty priceless. It’s something I really enjoy a lot but I’m not interested in dancing publicly at weddings.

Dance is very private for me and I hope no one ever finds out how passionate I’m about dancing other than people close to me.

As I wrap up my private dance in the moonlight, there’s a glimmer of hope inside me. Perhaps, life will get better one day. I hope I keep smiling regardless of what happens in life. I just want to live with confidence and hope.

I hope I dance away my sorrows in the night and start a beautiful tomorrow next day. Twirling in my tennis skirt is the best feeling ever and I hope I find someone who loves to see me dance 🙈

Danse avec les étoiles 🌟

[hello-rosy-essence]

A letter to my body...

Dear body,

I have always been unkind to you. Always looked down on you as if you need to be better. I sincerely wanted to say I am sorry for the harm that I have caused you.

I have always wished I had hotter and sharper face like most Pakistanis, but I don't. I wasn't born with the complexion most males like, ie, white. I wasn't born with the perfect slim hourglass figure, which most males die for. I didn't have the most beautiful eyes growing up, because I have been wearing glasses. I always complain about why I am a woman when I'm on my periods. I am upset I have diabetes despite my eating disorder history and other complications...

But it is fine. This is how GOD made me. I will try to lower my gaze and stay happy within my limited blessings.

However, starting today, I promise:

I will always be grateful for my health, no matter what happens

I will always try to take care of you

I will always treat you with kindness and love

I won’t compare you to other bodies out there either on social media or in-person

I am not responsible for the pornographic and ungrateful gazes of my potentials or society in general. I won't push you to be someone you aren't

I will try my best to live a life with no regrets

I will not overburden you with things I didn't want to do or made me tired

I will try to listen to you.

I have never been grateful for you. But thank you to my mitochondria, cells, systems, and health today- Alhamdulillah. Given the short life I have, I want to be grateful for my every breath and make it worthwhile.

I want to live with love, purpose, and meaning. Thank you for being my friend so far. Thank you for sticking with me despite me being so unkind towards you. I promise to see you with kindness and treat you better in the future.

[hello-rosy-essence]

Hijab

So, apparently today is world’s hijab day.

My relationship with hijab is… somewhat complicated.

I used to wear hijab on and off.

When I used to be a hijabi, I really liked how hijab helped me shift my focus from physical appearances towards my inner character. It really made me feel confident about who I’m as a person.

I ended up taking it off because it’s been hard. My family doesn’t support wearing it except one of my siblings.

Unlike other hijabis who’re on the pretty end, I’ve always been abit ugly. I wear glasses and I’m chubby. Wearing hijab somehow brought attention to my round face since I couldn’t hide my round face with bangs. Or my body. I decided to just take it off so I can focus on my mental health. I am also scared of Islamophobic attacks and discrimination since I work in a public setting. I don’t feel safe being visibly Muslim in a public space.

I ended up taking it off and hiding myself from Muslims around me. I mean, what’s the point in being close with them anyways? They would spread useless gossip about me. What’s the point in me bringing myself down? When all I’ll see is Muslim males choosing to compliment or treat females better who are fair and skinny. And they’ll find ways to bully me since I’m not their type. Eventually, you want to hide from your own community cause they hate you. You get tired of this cycle and hope one day, it ends.

I do miss wearing hijab sometimes, but it’s nice to live like a normal person. Where Muslim males don’t always make comments on how you could dress better or Muslim females don’t gossip about you. It feels nice to be invisible and live your life the way you want. I guess…

I have always been inspired by the following hijabi influencers: Leena, Batul, Samia, and Sali.

Who knows what the future holds? Perhaps I’ll wear it again, maybe never. I do like wearing it occasionally though on religious events and so on. I’m just used to it sometimes~

My favourite store to buy hijabs is ilovemodesty. It’s the first store I bought my hijabs from when I first started wearing it. It was a cool experience saving up $$ for my first hijab experience hehe

My hijabi style is mostly shimmery hijabs and neutrals depending on the occasion. I really like brown, black, and blue hijabs. I also love floral hijabs. My usual pairings are:

black dress + floral hijab (link)

black patterned dress + black hijab (link)

black dress + brown hijab (link)

I live my life in black dresses and black on a whole 😭 I can’t imagine not wearing black one day lol

Anyways, it felt good to write out how I feel about this topic.

Like I said, I just have a complicated relationship with hijab. Hopefully one day, it’ll get better. If not, that’s completely fine too. We all try to improve and struggle in life. I’m not particularly sure how it’ll progress later in life.

I hope it’s just not used a tool to manipulate me in the future. I do want to wear it only for the sake of GOD. Let’s see ~

[hello-rosy-essence]

[hello-rosy-essence]

Dance~

I am in an active gym membership since last month. Started group Zumba classes and I AM IN L-O-V-E!

I realized we all have different forms of fitness we love. Fitness is not just limited to using the machines in the gym. It's different for everyone. For me, an expression of fitness which I really enjoy is dancing~

Dancing really helped me feel in sync with what my body is trying to communicate. I felt like I understood my body more. I felt like I was able to understand my movements and my person better. It was such an amazing feeling to be able to express how you feel through dancing.

I have never felt this free before. I feel like I am finally in tune and touch with my own emotions and feelings. I love it. I hope to continue dancing for the sake of my own mental health and well-being. It has been a lovely experience so far :)

[hello-rosy-essence]

Hope

As the autumn leaves fall on the ground, sometimes so does my motivation to exist.

I had long forgotten how to love myself without any external validation. I have been always been critical of my own faults and shortcomings. But there was never enough love for what I have achieved and came so far.

Despite coming from a broken family, I am not a drug addict yet. Despite my shortcomings, I was able to complete my education and get into my passion, i.e., teaching. Despite having social anxiety, I like talking now in front of my students.

There's so much I can love about my self. My dedication. My kind-heartedness. My selflessness for others <3

I want to express myself more. I want to sit in coffee shops and write more about gratitude and the love around me <3 I am so excited to love myself more over the years~

[hello-rosy-essence]

[hello-rosy-essence]

Complicated thoughts... Family & Dating

Being the daughter in a dynamic where you had one competent mother and an emotionally neglectful father was very hard. As I start my search with the intent of starting a family, there has been a range of emotions~

Most males I have met are not ready to start a family. I am scared as hell. I am scared of putting through my own future kids with the same sin. I am scared of being an abusive parent on my own. I am scared of getting little help and feeling overwhelmed with the upbringing of a kid. I am scared of so many things and anxious... Am i ever going to be a good enough of a family member? Will I ever inspire my family to be a kind and accepting person?

Alas, this is something only time will tell :)