heartlessfreedom

[heartlessfreedom]

It digs into your gut like a tapeworm. Or maybe something foreign growing where it’s never meant to be? It takes forever to hollow yourself out when you already feel you’ve been scooped out and eaten alive. Your skin and bones all that’s left. It’s a visceral response that’s never expected, But then you never expected this either. Anger and grief fight for dominance in reply to someone else’s hurts and you think: This is what it’s like. This is what it will always feel like when you are willing to give all that’s left of you Just to fill someone else.

j.a.d.

[heartlessfreedom]

It tastes like fear and anger as we end this week of change. But all I can see is pride as I watch the Nasty Women walking arm in arm in every state and across the world. And I want to hug every person standing up for what is still good and right in the world. For the hope and joy still worth fighting for. So thank you for believing in the ones that the Powers That Be have declared unworthy. I’m so proud of the voice you use and the words you say as you decide that they are wrong.

-j.a.d. (via heart4hawkeye)

[heartlessfreedom]

I try to rip the words out of my head like pulling on the headphone jack to my iPhone. It must have the same effect because the words disappear just like the music stops when the electronics tell the system theyre's nothing to play through now. I've spent my whole life with music and words and I should have been a lyricist. I should have been able to write rhymes to catchy melodies and sing them all while impeccably playing an instrument I'd mastered over time. Instead, I pick out notes slowly on the piano as though all the musical theory classes never happened and I wince at the thought of guitar blisters hardening my hands. I attempt to write rhymes but it comes of clumsy and childish. I have never been good at doing things the way I thought they should be done. My words, instead, fall flat into a void of too many voices. Sometimes, I think that makes it easier.

j.a.d

[heartlessfreedom]

they do not want the truth

[heartlessfreedom]

“"I can only see you as you leave me” by j.a.d.

[heartlessfreedom]

“"It was easier lying to myself” by j.a.d.

[heartlessfreedom]

“"I still miss you” by j.a.d.

[heartlessfreedom]

“I deserve this” by j.a.d.

[heartlessfreedom]

Somewhere along the way, I got programmed with the wrong responses. The chemicals in my brain betray me until I slash a line across my wrist to see if i can find the broken pieces. There must still be shrapnel swimming in my bloodstream from the explosion you caused when you left. There must be some thing tangible to explain the way I feel. To explain the way I think. To explain away my faults.

“"I am always messing this up” by j.a.d.

[heartlessfreedom]

This is what I want you to know: The only difference between bravery and stupidity Is how you tell the story. There will never be enough metaphors or similes for heartbreak. If your heart hurts too much, The answer is not found externally. And most importantly, You are the story teller. You are are both brave and stupid And, by God, no matter how you tell it I will always find myself proud that you lived through it.

“"You are the storyteller” by j.a.d.

[heartlessfreedom]

He tells me he wants to make me laugh and all I can do in response is cry. I want to grab him and hold him close or push him and tell him to stay away, but I settle for neither as I try to catch my breath from the sobs. He doesn't understand what it means to say this. I'd rather he told me he hated me. I'd rather he told me he loved someone else. All I can see now is that eventuality. There will come a day. When he is tired of trying to make me laugh. When he makes me smile only to see it disappear again. When he tells me he loves me, and all I can say is, "it's not enough." Love does not chase away darkness like it does in fiction. Love is plagued by the girl who wonders is anyone would care if she drove off this bridge. Love is haunted by the tossing and turning of the girl who cannot sleep. Love is going to get tired of me and find someone less exhausting. He tells me that he wants to make me laugh, and I do, bitterly. One day, you'll only want to make me cry.

- “you don't really want to” by j.a.d.