heartbleedsalways

[heartbleedsalways]

It's them

[heartbleedsalways]

I'm going to my senior prom in a couple days (except I'm going with all juniors weird but I have really good reasons) and my date is I think the sweetest thing ever. He's a little golden retriever boy and I'm always kinda sad that we're not at a place in our lives rn where we can really make things work between us.

This really should be a story on its own, but I have to find a way to hide him when he gets here so absolutely no one in my house sees him. I would tell it but its 2 am and I'm pretty sleepy and it's a pretty long story so goodnight.

[heartbleedsalways]

i wrote a thing is it good?

Romance is dead

his daughter inside me

fighting escape

from the chains of my soul

Be silent child

I try to warn her

This world you seek

Is not as it once was

So remain within

this once great Daughter

Wilt in my heart

till we both fade to nothing

Relentless she bangs

at the confines that protect

and this pain I carry

for now and for ever

[heartbleedsalways]

Old journals have my heart

I found an old journal tonight and I cannot for the life of me understand what happened in there. I have shopping lists even though I know for sure I've never been close to being in charge of that, a recounting of a dream where I stole Cardi B's identity and then had to sue her with my life??? (And all because I forgot to floss so yk, FLOSS EVERY NIGHT KIDS). There's also a bunch of math calculations for stuff i definitely don't know how to do anymore and a design for a spongebob birthday poster, which I have more questions about than anything else.

Honestly, I think it was pretty fun. I remember I saw a page that said "wash uncle's car for $25" and I wonder if I ever did end up washing that car. And I love how even if I can't remember it at some point in my life that was the most important thing to me.

[heartbleedsalways]

So I like a boy. Which shouldn't really be a weird thing, but I have a somewhat complicated situation.

I don't want to get into the super specifics and stuff like that, but basically I've lived a life so far that makes it really hard for me to be vulnerable around people or show my emotions or whatever. I know this can come off as some weird 'trying to be batman' shit, but I really do have such a hard time expressing or showing that I care about someone. To top that shitfest off, my family is really strict (they're literally African it's so bad) and I'm not allowed to date really. I could, of course, sneak around, but there's so many members of my family and not one of them can keep their mouths shut. So eventually the news would reach a not very chill person and I'd get in mega trouble.

Back to this boy. He knows all about this. He doesn't know exactly why I get so weird about emotional displays, but he's really nice about it. He tried so hard to make the people in my house like him (I had to tell him to stop, because even though he was being genuinely sweet my family is wack and he was making it worse). He tells me the sweetest and cutest things that make my little heart melt. His mom loves me. His sister loves me. Even his cat loves me. It's like, I feel like I'm in a very safe space whenever I'm around him. And talking to him makes me happy too.

It's just I'm not sure anymore. I think I messed it up. He asked me a few months ago if I wanted to move forward and I panicked and said a bunch of stupid shit that made us end up not talking for like a month. Let me just say, I kept thinkign about him this entire month. It got so bad that I reached out to him and apologised and made it clear that I felt the same way, I was just an idiot. I wasn't expecting things to go back to the way they were, but we're mostly cool now. We both decided it's better to just be friends.

One more problem for us both iis that he's a junior and I'm a senior, so I go off to college this year and he'll be right there. I know we could practically do long distance but the last time I tried that the guy literally got a whole other girlfriend while we were still going out. He's taking me to prom this year(NOBODY in my house knows this) and idk what'll happen then but hopefully we can clear the air between us.

I'm not even sure what to do really. Um I guess if somebody out there reads this and has something to say, I'd be happy to hear it.

[heartbleedsalways]

dream dream dreamity dream

I'm a hopeless romantic. I like to deny it, but the fact blasts itself in my face every day. ESPECIALLY when I have dreams. Last night I had a dream that slapped my current loneliness in my face quite violently.

It was a family vacation (a recurring event in my recent dreams) and apart from literally every family member I know, there was this guy.

"This guy" is a real-life person. I knew him when I was in 9th grade and I think he was the first and only guy I ever said I love you to. I haven't really thought about him in a long time, but I guess its because my birthday passed recently and even if we don't talk anymore, we always wish each other a happy birthday and well, this year he ghosted.

Anyways, he was on this trip as my boyfriend. Which is also a weird thing because my family is so strict, they would flip out if they ever found out I had a boyfriend. To bring him on a family trip??? Impossible. I don't exactly recall most of the in-between details of the trip, but the end scenes really stood out to me.

It was nearing the end of the trip and I'd started packing, but it got too overwhelming for me so I went out to look for this guy so we could just hangout for the day. When I tell you I looked everywhere and still could not find this boy. I remember getting really scared and asking everybody where he was. I think they'd all seen him, but nobody could really point me in a specific direction. This was completely unrelated to the plot but some guy also texted me on snapchat "I love you bae" out of the blue. Okay...

I was just about to call my guy (or was it sending a text idk) when I looked up and there he was. And he was in front of a chalkboard. He was doing this cute little thing that was basically creating a slogan for our relationship if that makes sense. It was like, my name + his name, then a cute little two-word phrase underneath like "charmed and destined" or "Loving and caring." They were way better in the dream I promise. And I wasn't even mad. I just joined in and told him all about my day, and he teased me for being so obsessed with him.

Now this is the most vivid part for me. We ended up laying down on a couch with my head in his lap. I told him I was so tired and he...smiled this really soft smile and bent down to give me a kiss on the forehead so tender and filled with love that I woke up. It was that shocking. And I was really mad because the whole time I'd thought it was real and I was only dreaming and my real life is not like that. As I mentioned before, my family is REALLY strict about that stuff. It's been a while since I had something like that yk?

I'll leave you be now, thank you for listening to my yapping.

[heartbleedsalways]

eating ice cream with a headache

The other day I was taking a bath-like, a REALLY hot bath-and I also at the same time had this horrible headache. So it was okay when I was in the bath but the second I stepped out my head started spinning and I had to go lay down for a minute. At about the same time my sister got back from Brusters with a little cup of Oreo ice cream. I had literal ringing in my ears so I couldn't stand up to get it, so my sister got it and handed it to me on the bed. And it was amazing. It was the most peaceful feeling in my life, laying down on the bed, cooling my head with a little cup of ice cream.

It made me realise, this giant headache, I had it because I'd been running on fumes. Because I had never stopped for a moment to indulge in small pleasures. It felt so good, for once, to feel like I was doing nothing and everything was going to be alright.