head-destruction

[head-destruction]

[head-destruction]

[head-destruction]

I hate how anxiety feels like.

The stomach-squeezing force.

Tingling in the spine.

High pulse and tendency to do something but not knowing what.

Feelings that everything is wrong. Tension in every cell of the body.

[head-destruction]

"It is not about any single event, or person. It is about stubborn sadness, and a detached view of the world. I see my life — so much dreary, mundane, wasted time wishing upon unattainable goals. In the end, it is that I am unwilling to live in mediocrity."

[head-destruction]

Talk to me. I will hate it. But I need it.

But you won't. Because no one cares. And I'm too needy.

I hate myself for trying to blame you. You don't have to like me. I don't like me eighter.

Don't talk to me. I hate it. Just let me die.

[head-destruction]

I hate the fact I still have feelings.

[head-destruction]

Every single friend I have, and I don't have many tho, is tired of me.

And I can't judge them.

I'm tired of myself too.

[head-destruction]

[head-destruction]

They want to keep you calling

So you don't wake in the morning

[head-destruction]

When the clarity hits, it's hard. You're standing in front of the mirror, asking yourself how could you let it get this far. And in that moment you know. You know that your brain is lying to you 'cause this viscous matter is actively trying to kill you. You're realising that the things you're constantly telling yourself are just a part of the trauma and everything would be so much better if you just don't give a fuck and stopped worrying about present, past, everything. And then the serotonin level drops again. Sometimes I want to blow my brain out just to stop thinking for at least five minutes.

[head-destruction]

[head-destruction]

I thought that I'm the worst kind of psycho but when I hit the bottom of Tumblr iceberg of darkness, I've realized I'm not that twisted.

Yes I tend to self destruct. Yes I have an urgues when things go downhill. And yes, the blood calms me down.

BUT!

I definitely know that it's wrong. I'm absolutely ashamed of the fact I'm such a looser when it comes to coping. I don't try to achieve deep cuts and scarred forearms. It makes my stomach sick to see people out there taking it as a fuckin' race, being priced by others. And I say it as a person who actually do struggle.

I fight myself every single time and it's hard because I really really need something to calm myself down. But after all, I don't see a point in it if it won't kill me. And that's probably what's holding me back. The mindset like: 'No, don't touch the blade until you're actually sure you finally want to hit the veins.'

[head-destruction]

[head-destruction]

Till midnight I can't sleep. I think about the one girl with deep cuts all over her arms from high school. We used to be "friends."

She was so nice, nerdy, interesting, I was at her place several times, we had a great fun, meaningful convos. I knew what she was doing. She knew that I know. Never tried to hide it when I was around. I was young, stupid, clueless. I've never reacted. Never hugged her and we never talked about her psychological state of mind. I was silent about everything.

No judging tho, our together time was about something else. We lived, had a good time, felt natural, never talked about her struggles at all, it wasn't scary to me, I was just getting it, not mentioning it eighter. We just enjoyed companion of each other.

I'm so angry at myself right now. Now I see how close I was to actually help. To do something. Only if I wasn't so trapped in my own insignificant problems. I should ask. I should tell her how fuckin' cool she is and that I care about her. I should show interest in her pain, not only in the good times we had. I was sooo blind. I could do SO much more. Don't know where she is right now. But I hate myself for the opportunity I had to help and had basically no clue what to do. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I really really do.

[head-destruction]

[head-destruction]

[head-destruction]