haribowasteland

[haribowasteland]

The Paranoia

Also to be titled, ‘I feel like I’ll lose the person who’s most important to me right now but I have the feeling they like manipulating me and making me act up sometimes.’ 

We all manipulate somebody at some point. Whether it’s intentional or not. It’s not nice though but as human beings, what can we do? We’re all struggling somehow and manipulating the ones weaker than us. 

I always thought people were out to get me, wanted to see me fall. Then I realised it’s not all about me. People have better things to do than be out to get me. The thoughts still linger in the back of my head though. As much as I’d like to belive that people are genuine, I never can unless I get constant reassurance. People still leave sometimes though. They always manage to disappear. 

I have paranoia. There we have it. I’m pretty sure I do anyways. I crave a stable lifestyle with somebody I love very much. I have that right now but sometimes still feels like a rocky road. Sometimes I’m crying my eyes out either because I’m paranoid or because I miss him. Sometimes he can mess with me because I live to please, I’ll blame all that shit on myself. That might not be the case though. See what I mean? I desperately want everything to work out because... it’s special. The person is special to me. I believe my current relationship is doomed to fail right now though. There are a few factors that contribute to it but the paranoia makes it worse. 

You never want somebody important to you to leave. You’d feel empty and lost; with a hole in your heart. I feel everyday like he’ll leave. There are negative things about me and I understand them to some extent but I don’t understand myself. Deep down, I feel like I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. I still want to ride this wave though. I want to see where this goes. As my partner believes in fixing things together and growing together, I admire him for that. We grow together and sometimes I forget that he’s still gorwing too. So, I feel more obligated to seek proefessional help and fix myself to be better. I need to be better to have that stability I crave. To have those thoughts that make me remeber that everybody is human and their worlds don’t revolve around me. 

Being paranoid is like the person who you’re closest with you is going to drop everything and say, ‘I don’t want to know you anymore.’ Does that sound scary to you? It is to me. I feel that way when something doesn’t go my way or when something feels slightly off. If something feels slightly off, I feel like it’ll all collapse on its own, I will avoid confrontation on purpose and seek help from myself. The honest truth is that I;m confused. Sometimes I don’t want to brave it and sometimes I do want to brave it. It;s just exhausting always trying to act like I don’t have paranoid thoughts and I don’t need reassraunce. 

I do need reassurance. Often. I do get it sometimes. The main reason why it’s not always there is because we’re both still growing. I have my positives and negatives, so does he. I’m embarassed to admit I need reassurance. I’m the mom figure of the groups and it’s like I ‘shouldn’t feel that way’ but I do. While living to serve contributes to it, it equals everything. If i don;t feel useful, I feel like I’ll quit. I never have, always riding the wave and seeing what happens next.

But when you think something will happen, it does happen, doesn’t it?

But when you wish for something, it does come true, right?

[haribowasteland]

chris tdi voice alright campers 

cursed camp unus annus

[haribowasteland]

ONCE A KING, ALWAYS A KING.

REST IN POWER, CHADWICK BOSEMAN.

[haribowasteland]

anxiety trigger? (Trigger Warning)

Also to be titled, ‘I don’t know thow this happened, why it’s happening but it shouldn’t be happening.’

Smaller things feel like they’re becoming difficult to do, but I’ll manage them. Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it. 

Strange things are happening my children. As the heading says, it’s correct. I always take care of whatever I need to. This is another one of those weeks or months where I feel like I need to go away and sort myself out but other people may need me, then I remeber that, I’m not their mom and it’s ok. I’m free to leave whenever I need to and free to take abreak whenever I want and everbody should respect that. 

Nonetheless, this is about my new anxiety trigger. I only found out about this the day after whatever triggered it, triggered it. I didn’t know why it happened or what it was but again and like everything to me, it was scary. Things have been real weird for me with my anxiety popping up more often because it probably has no normaly environement triggering it. My new anxiety trigger is sex. Hah. It doesn’t happen every time. I get my information from numerous credited health sites to know it’s an anxiety trigger or whether I’m having an anxiety attack. (I should get it checked out but great doctors are hard to find.) 

Sex is difficult. Always has been but it’s cool at the same time. Nice how you can create a baby when you want to or just do it because you’re getting tingles. Getting anxiety from it, bursting into tears while watching the one truly romatic and steamy scene in 365 Days is weird, the heavy breathing came back. The crying was sudden and I never would have realised it was happening for that reason if I’d forgotten what I was watching. I don’t understand it. The internet said it was something about ‘Epecting more from yourself during setx.’ I do feel that way. So immediately, I remeber what happened a few days before that too, beating my meat, orgasming and then crying (at he same time). 

It’s not nice, doesn’t feel good. Completely wrecked the mood to be honest. Crying for no reason after doing something that should relieve me. The tears come out of nowhere and I wasn’t sad before it. It was scary. It hadn’t happened in years until that day. It’s embarassing to talk about and I feel ashamed about it. It’s because I’m confused. Again though, no good doctor so I either take it to MayoClinic or Healthline or OCCASIONALLY Cosmopolitan when I don’t think it’s serious. I know it is, all mental health problems are serious. It’s never happened though so I feel as if i should keep it to myself. Again, embarassing, 

This is my anxiety trigger, it’s irregular, I’m having withdrawl sypmtoms from something. I’m happy I have it though, more to discover. More to find out if anybody else has it, share a story and get one in return. We’re all going through the same thing at one point or another. 

Lots of love my Gummy Bears <3

[haribowasteland]

watch when I learn how to cook all of this smh

weathering with you (2019) dir. makoto shinkai

[haribowasteland]

small hobbies to be real.

Also to be titled, ‘I have so many hobbies that I would love to take up but I don’t have time for it or it’s too expensive.’

For the past DECADE, I’ve always had secret little hobbies that I would love to take up but I still don’t understand that getting good at something takes a while.

Hobbies I have always wanted to try include: Swimming, dance, singing, pottery, harp, piano and actually completing a book. They all require a lot of hard work and I know I’ll get cold feet if I’m not on the right path with what I want to do. I get scared to do something else when I seemingly already have something planned out.

These hobbies have always been in the back of my head and they’ve started to creep up on me more often now and that’s probably because of COVID-19. I’ve wanted to dance (well) to my favourite songs and it didn’t feel strange or anything because I’ve always wanted to dance. I’ll probably learn and keep you handful updated. I don’t want to do it because there’s emotion in dance but maybe because I’d like to express myself a little bit more while listening, instead of just nodding my head back and forth. I don’t want to look stupid while doing it either. Dancing is cool bro.

Swimming, I used to do it. I love being in any environement where the gravity is off or, where I can bounce high into the sky and go down slides in dark tunnels. Swimming where I can be free in the open space and meditate under water is very nice for me. I never took up swimming completely because I can’t swim freely in the public pool. The public pool also doesn’t have a diving board (smh). I can save you if you’re drowning (mAYbe) but I’d like more than that. Swimming is different and when you’re free to do it however you want, it’s even beter. Maybe I should just get a pool later on in life. Can I just be a water nymph and live in the water and then come back up to land whenever I please?

The harp, oh god the harp. I argue about this with my partner. We’re always saying that each of us wanted to play the harp before one another and he was born before me so the excuse always is ‘I was born before you!’ (ok nerd). The harp is one of the expensive hobbies. Great harps are hard to find and it’s even harder to learn how to play it. If I start learning and my mind doesn’t wander, I’d definitely continue forever. It’s pleasing, to play music, learn it and love it. I love Greek Mythology so that’s where the harp desire came from. Me, just chillin’ with my harp that took me centuries to learn but it’s ok because I’m a muse, and I’ll live for many more centuries. 

Piano happened when my cousin was playing it. He was like, ‘I’m teaching myself how to play piano!’ and I was like ‘Ok can you teach me too?’ he lives in France now so it’s sort of impossible. Piano also came through when I listened to Panic! At the Disco’s DTMWAGT piano version. The piano is an expressive while you use your fingers, which is the same as the harp in terms of using fingers. Piano is just slightly easier to begin with. Expressing how you feel through a song, songs sound different have different vibes when played on paino.. I’ve never played an instrument accurately or had the attention span to learn what I’ve had to. I don’t like being pressured to do things, I don’t want to do them. That is what happened.

The whole book thing will be continued...

In conclusion to all of this, they’re there, they always have been and if i really want to take them up, I will and I can make it happen. I just need to go and learn a resonable amount of Hunagrian first haha x! So many hobbies, such little time... I’m down though. Totally! Enough motivation and postive people surrounding you are required most of the time if you’re not as ambitious, like me but we can all do it. Let’s use our time wisely and do something new or improve majorly on something we already know.  

[haribowasteland]

the epic collapse during quarantine

Also to be titled, ‘I was born for this shit but now that I’m fufilling my purpose, I don’t want it anymore.’

2020 has thrown some hurdles at us, you know. The UK is going crazy, everybody be going crazy.

When the prime minister finally nnounced that lockdown was starting, I was SO HAPPY. I realised that I could stay home, just chill out, talk all day with my friend, boyfriend and be at peace for a bit until the lockdown finished. As of now, it still hasn’t finished, extended for three weeks (as of wriing this). Hah ok.

LOCKDOWN IS A LIE

It is all a lie. I was so disappointed to find that about four weeks in, I started having anxiety attacks because I’m an attention whore and I wasn’t getting enough of it. It got sorted, I’m happy being an attention whore again, I don’t feel like a burden about it. Having my first anxiety attack was intense though. It was like... at first, I started shaking back and forth, tears literally dripped from my eyes. My heart racing like I was doing sports day in secondary school again. It was horrible but a really cool experience for some reason. If it happened again, I would hope that it’s not in public since my motherly image would be runied for life. 

The good part about all of this is that I’ve had more time to figure things out. I’ve been planning my future out and looking into whether I’ll go to college or university to do my courses. I want to be a counsellor. A marriage one prefferably but I’m worried I won’t complete the path. It’s so much time. I’m willing to go through the training and education to become a general counsellor though. There are so many expectations. Get to universiy when you’re ninteen, get your dream job by the time you’re twenty-five. It’s a lot of pressure. Getting cold feet is also a problem.

Furthermore, being in lockdown has allowed me to address problems, put more time into relationships. I never really had time to talk to my best friend since we’re either working in college or she’s somewhere. I’m grateful that I could talk with her, have more conversations with her and learn about her. Have that girl talk I always dreamed about. A lot of relationships have been repaired and I’m grateful for this time to do that. My old best friend, I feel ike I can call her my best friend again, we check on each other, we somewhat share secrets. Finally being able to fit in but not fit into a big group, just bounce back between them and ask them how they’re doing without feeling bad. 

You eventually realise as you get older that everybody’s busy, everybody has their own shit going on and that’s fine. We all don’t have time for each other when we want to but if it’s important, we’ll be there for each other. 

[haribowasteland]

why?

Honestly! Why?!

[haribowasteland]

feeling oh so free.

Also to be titled, ‘Everything changed. That changed my life.’

There’s nothing like the present. It’s a present for a reason and it’s one of the smaller ones too. Always remember it’s there and be grateful for the time you have.

As the decade comes to an end, I celebrate what I’ve enjoyed, who’s made me happy and who has helped me to grow. I do wonder how a DECADE came around but it is what it is. I’m sure I'm not the only one who feels like they slept through a few years. 

I’ve felt lighter in the past few weeks for some reasons. I know some of them. I made a few new friends, crawled halfway out of my box and gained feelings I feel are true. It’s wonderful and I've never felt more grateful to have certain people and experiences in my life. My life has changed a lot. I’ve felt safer in my home, I’ve learnt that all people are not trying to drag you down, I really need to stop spending all of my money on McDonald's and much more fast food. Girl’s gotta eat though.

In the beginning i was one of the most socially awkward human beings and not by choice to be quite honest with my knowledge. Before, I would let people I love walk all over me because I loved them so much and didn’t want them to be unhappy and if they were find walking on me, that was fine with me too. LOL THAT’S NOT OK, don’t let anybody walk all over you no matter how much you love them.

I’m now still socially awkward but not because it’s just there but because I want to be. It makes me laugh to be quite honest with you. Sometimes it’s embarassing but it’s the way how life goes. I got rid of toxic people and maybe gained a few more but the great ones outdo the toxic ones. My best friend, she’s not toxic, just human and that was sometimes confusing for me to understand about people but she reached me in a way. She isn’t a bitchy female and she’s always ready to help me with whatever I need, the same goes for me to her. I never want her to feel like she’s alone or can’t do the task at hand.

I still have no filter and that has changed slighty! The one big thing to do with that though is I can freely express my opinion but be called out when I’m taking something too far. I appreciate it a lot, I always wished for somebody to call me out where I’m wrong an not be afraid to speak up... my wish came true. People/friends not being afraid of me was a whole dream and I somewhat achieved that dream too. I’m more like everybody’s cool mom who will see your side first before i shout at you. Emphasis on the before.

Life has been stable though. As many lows it throws at me, us, it brings us so many more highs, it plans those highs for the future as well. Like COVID-19 right now, going outside might be cancelled right now but I feel like there’s going to be a really great summer (I’m not just wishing that since I’m a summer baby ;)). I’ve never been happier so have some people in my life (a guy, girl another girl) one makes me feel safe, one helps me remember my place and both of them bring me out of my shell to become better and believe in myself.

Coming to terms with everything that has happened, is becoming overwhelming because I never thought I would be blessed with so much good. You win some and you lose some. I’ve gained more than I’ve lost. 

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Holding your tongue!

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Getting over him

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Breaking down the shell

[haribowasteland]

the badass dream. (rambling)

Also to be titled ‘I want to be a cool superhero who kicks ass.’

Imagine, you’re about to face off against a villain, who has dared to harm any civilian who can fall into their poisonous arms. You walk up, look them dead in the eye and say ‘I’ll do it, for them. Not me.’

So, first of all, I listen to music a ton. Music is my life and helps me to reflect on the good and the bad. This is about one specific type of music though. That type of music that makes you feel like a badass. We love it, we know it.

It all started when I found that my cousin, categorised all of her music so that artists were separate when she wanted to listen to them, like Michael Jackson or MIndless Behaviour. I didn’t really take any notice of it out loud since I was jealous of everything she had. I absorbed into my thoughts. Then I forgot about it. As you do.

Eventually, it’s five years later and I’m eight years, old doing the most disgusting thing ever: Mixing Marvel and DC characters together. It was where I found my joy though, bringing all of the love together. 

Anyways, I'm sitting on the carpet writing furiously on my lined pumpkin bordered paper, then all of a sudden I lose the spark. I take up my phone in stride and scroll through the music I have. I play ‘Shellshocked’ from the TMNT soundtrack or maybe ‘Madness’ by Ruelle. When two songs finish, I hear a song that directs my inspiration to the love side. That wasn’t what wanted. 

So I decided to categorise the music and put them into playlists that would separate them from each other. The idea my cousin had given me... eight years ago. I claimed the idea as my own. She’s unaware she gave it to me because she asked one day why I have so many playlists. 

To this very day, I make the badassery playlists, or I just add to the current one. It includes all types of music that make me feel like a badass. The playlist inspires me to write all of my badass scenes. I get chills when I hear most of the songs, so inspiring.

[haribowasteland]

endgame? (please be cautious)

Also to be titled, ‘I went to my GP practice to talk about mental illness and he just dismissed me.’

I knew from a very young age that I suffered from something. I was not like other kids, I still am not. 

So, hi hi hi. I went MIA but I have too many upcoming posts to drift too far away. This post might get deep. 

So, as the ‘Also to be titled’ says, it’s true. On the day of the GCSE results, I was so disappointed. I’d failed almost everything. I really believed that I'd done enough. I didn’t. When I got home, my mom went to the store. I started to cry but I just thought that was normal. Then I sat on my bed. I kept staring at the results.

Then I looked towards my windowsill... I wondered again... what would it be like if I died? Who would care? Who would come to my funeral and would anybody cry? They were stupid questions but they were my questions. After a few more minutes of crying, I opened my window and sat on the inside of the windowsill.

The crying continued and I hoped that I would get down. I only made myself more comfortable though. It was a cry for pain. I don’t like asking for help. This was the easiest way I knew of asking for help. The neighbours frequently looked over their balconies to be nosey so expected something. Nothing happened. 

So I moved onto the next people I knew would help me. The bad thing about me though is that I'm not good at voicing at how I feel. I don’t like the attention that comes with it. I really needed it that time though. 

They’re a little group of people who live a bit far from me, never had I ever gone cold on them. I expected the same from them. So I sent them a picture of what the view was like from my windowsill.

Opened by two... opened by five.

That pushed me over the edge. Maybe they didn’t reply because they were triggered. Maybe they didn’t reply because I was the only sixteen-year-old in the group wanting to commit suicide. Maybe they thought I was being attention-seeking. I didn't know. I was just hurt that, the people ho so claimed they would be there for me, weren’t there for me at that time.

So I continued to be alone. I wondered when mom would come home. 

she did... told me to get down. just shouted at me. 

[haribowasteland]

ONE JOB

Just the one.

[haribowasteland]

[haribowasteland]

the next chapter.

Also to be titled, ‘It’s results day tomorrow and my life is over.’

I lay in bed, never wanting to leave again. I knew this would happen. Nobody understands that it’s the end now. Only I do and only I can set myself free. I just wanted to make you proud. 

As you know, I’ve finished my GCSEs. Tomorrow is results day and I'm ready to accept the fact that I might have failed the subjects that I need to get into Sixth Form. For those of you who live in a country that doesn't have Sixth Form, it’s like continuing in a school environment but, you're doing higher-level subjects.

I’m completely prepared to accept the fact I might have failed and completely ready for my black mom... to end my life. For those of you who think to say, ‘Why did she have to write black mom?’ it’s because a black mom will end your life, more than any other mom would.

Throughout the year and past years, I didn't wish that I worked harder because I believed, I was doing the best I could. I was so wrong. Towards the end of the year, I regretted not doing enough revision, not asking for help at all and not having the confidence in myself. Most of my grades were up to standards, where I would pass but I still knew that one subject would tie me down... maths. When tomorrow comes, I’m scared that maths will be the one thing that stops me from starting to achieve the future that I want.

I always found it hard to study. I lost interest in a lot of subjects that I liked, like English and Drama. I realised that I was somewhat no good at drama, then I realised that everything I did in English was formed, from me having to think quickly and incorporate as many techniques as possible, not from being myself. I made my favourite teacher proud but I still can't tell her that every now and again, I lose the love and don't feel anything sometimes.

Nobody can tell me it’s not the end of the world, because it seems to be when everything you seemingly work hard for... crumbles to pieces. Nobody is given an equal opportunity at anything. We are given an equal opportunity for one chance, then we are given a second chance. It’s anything but equal though.

For those of you who have your GCSEs coming up next year or in a few years, you need to study as hard as you can, so that you don’t regret anything. Give yourself the best opportunity to pass and you will. Don’t dodge afterschool revision and don’t dodge your work, nobody can do the job better than you.

To my fellow year 11s... good luck <3 I hope you find everything you’re looking for and that you all stay proud of yourselves, even if you didn’t receive the results you wanted. Everybody is a winner, there is always a second chance and most of all... your parents will still love you.

[haribowasteland]

a superhero who lost her vision

[haribowasteland]

Green - hope, health, renewall, and self-control. Blue - sincerity, wisdom, confidence, and intelligence.

[haribowasteland]

staying love sober.

Also to be titled, ‘I hate falling in love but I dream about it a lot.’

You’re sitting on a cliff with the one you want to be with forever. They smile and stare deeply into your angelic eyes. You hold each other in a tight, meaningful embrace. You know that this is the only feeling you need. 

Me? I’m a people pleaser and a hopeless romantic. Emphasise on the ‘hopeless’. I love to please people just so they can be happy with what I do and, maybe that will work out and maybe it won't, but I still go down that road. I love to insist on relationships but when it gets serious, I wish I’d never opened my mouth. 

Nevertheless, I want somebody who I can spend the rest of my life with, somebody who will understand these talked about issues, but know what is underneath me. ‘The perfectionist’ doesn’t exist. I’ve always said my standards reach further than the moon, but they dim when I see somebody I like. I can’t let go of a dream I’ve had for such a long time. I’m Cancer, I’ll most likely have a husband/wife with a few children, who I’ll spoil like there’s no tomorrow.

Experiences influence everything we do. Whether we learn from them or not, that is our own decision to make. I know that all of my experiences and my heart, influence what I do. I drop my emotions hot and heavy in every situation. That’s why I don’t want to be in love most of the time. It’s an effort but teaches you new things you may not be ready to hear yet or again.

My first boyfriend topped it off for me. I say, ‘Thank you ass-hole for contributing to my trust issues and, my determination to stay far away from others.’ Staying away from people and not catching feelings in this generation is a pain. Then there are the trust issues you have with somebody you’re interested in because you’re scared they’ll disclose your business to somebody who they're close with.  Even now we all suffer from being in love with one person right now, or maybe you’re in a love triangle. This is all normal but it’s not always going to be happy hour for your thoughts. 

The point is that I choose to stay love sober because I’m still hurt and struggling to move on. A rebound isn’t the way forward because I desire emotional attachment, it’s the one thing that will influence my loyalty, therefore giving you the key to it. That’s not really what I want. I’m indecisive and confused. I always will be. That’s why I felt it would be appropriate to make all of my friend’s my children, instead of future projects to experiment with. It’s comfy admiring how carefree they can be. 

I don’t feel that ‘normal’ feeling when I fall in love anymore. I feel like I could break at any second. I am so scared to be left alone after experiencing something so fulfilling. That’s why I stay away. There’s always a magnet who will attract me though, who will make me fall so deeply, that I laugh at the idea of being I love again. 

‘No one saves us but ourselves. 

No one can and no one may. 

We ourselves must walk the path.’ // Buddha