harguusmcfarguus

[harguusmcfarguus]

Happy Halloween!! Eat lots of candy and stuff!!!

[harguusmcfarguus]

he was confused and a bit afraid at first but thankfully he know’s mama’s voice and heartbeat 

[harguusmcfarguus]

Growing up with your starters

Artist:  esasi8794 / Twitter

[harguusmcfarguus]

so the first four hoards were so popular that theyve become kind of on ongoing series ! some of the ones here feature the commissioners ocs and personal items, but ALL of them involve things very dear to me: weird lizards on piles of junk

[harguusmcfarguus]

Hey, this group of Portland street medics reached out to my local org and asked us for help, so donate or spread this if you can please

[harguusmcfarguus]

Therapist: “Mind readers aren’t real. They can’t hurt you”

Me: “I... don’t remember telling you I’m afraid of that.”

Therapist: *sweats nervously*

[harguusmcfarguus]

original thread by @pukicho and several other users

[harguusmcfarguus]

here’s my fuckinnnnnnn sonic OC Edgar the Sloth. He’s fast because caffeine and anxiety.

I need a hobby

[harguusmcfarguus]

tried to tell my aunt about Peta and she didn’t believe all the crazy shite they do and said it probably isn’t real because it’s just sensationalized social media stories. 

She holds to it being bad to believe social media without checking for the reputation of the source but then she will completely brush off any story that seems a bit unusual without every trying to check for herself. I told her believing anything and dismissing anything that seems weird without any thought has just as little merit and she just repeated her stance without adding anything. 

She doesn’t believe Peta nor Flat Earthers exist because you hear about them more on the internet then you do in the newspaper.

I bring up crazy stories I hear because I think they’ll be fun but then she acts like I’m some idiot that just accretes impossible stuff with no brain whatsoever. It actually kinda pisses me off because if she does this and I tell her to look it up herself she’ll just say no. If you’re going to outright deny something someone somewhat reputable says at least pretend to value their intelligence and prove them wrong instead of just staying in your own bubble.

[harguusmcfarguus]

I don’t like Andrew Jackson and I’m a cashier. 

We have a special marker that is supposed to detect forgeries by the color the ink turns on it.

I have gotten very good at drawing a dick on his face really fast.

If you ever get a $20 that seems to have a hard to see yellow dick drawn right on his face then it’s likely I’ve touched it

[harguusmcfarguus]

So that archmage I assassinated out of turn in my friend’s game? Well turns out he was going to build an undead army to invade a town and have the cult start a coup.

Maybe I shouldn’t be allowed to play.

Also a different game I’m in I managed to have our party skip 5 combat encounters in one session because I kept pulling things out of my ass.

We were going on a murder investigation and some robot guards weren’t going to let us in... up until I pulled a security badge out of my pocket that I snatched from a guy we killed earlier. 

That lead us to having to get a ship to get off planet... so we (by that I pretty much mean I) decided to steal it from a big security company we’ve been hassled by. As such we needed higher level clearance. 

Did my detective thing and found the head of security was going to a bar. So my alchemist made some drugs in order to dose him and make things easier. I went around selling drugs until I found the guy and let him dose himself before calling him a lightweight and walking out with him. 

So we went to the building and I bribed people until we got to the elevator. Bluffed our way to the top floor and ran into another robot guard who I used our new badge on. I was let through but the gunslinger was going to be stopped and have a fight start..... as such I turned around and poured acid on the robot’s power source so it shut down without throwing a punch.

We made our way to the hanger and the DM, by this point quite fed up with my antics, said that the security clearance would get us access to the CEO’s shuttle. I opened the door, walked up the ramp, put my hand on the fighter’s shoulder, and said “I’m in” in my best hacker voice. 

DM told me to shut up but then less than a minute later my friend responded to one of my texts simply with “I’m in” and my DM started freaking out. I mean who just sends that without context? 

I love playing but there’s probably a reason I don’t get to do it often

[harguusmcfarguus]

*DM makes weird noise to describe a dead squid being dropped on a PC’s face* “Could you not do that? I have a really vivid imagination... How do you think I made such a dark, messed up backstory for my other character” “You went on DeviantArt?” “...............Ow. Low blow”

[harguusmcfarguus]

I nearly wiped my 7th level party in a CR 2 fight

help me

[harguusmcfarguus]

there’s a half orc feat in Xanathar’s guide to everything called Orcish Fury that lets you choose to do a bonus weapon die of damage once per rest. 

so if a 20th level half orc assassin took that then they could make their assassinate do 40d6 + 4[w] damage.

my dm is horrified

edit: A true assassin would never forget their completely legal wyvern venom to add another 7d6 damage for a grand total of 47d6 + 4[w].

with just a dagger that’s an average of 175 damage if they fail their con save against poison.

and then there’s Death Strike making that damage, on average, 325 total with just a couple failed con saves...

and that was just the surprise round

[harguusmcfarguus]

This might be the birth of a black hole

[harguusmcfarguus]

the conceptual barbarian build that broke my DM’s will:

done at level 20 for the least resources needed you need enough manuals of dex and con to raise both to 30, the technical stat maximum, and then obtain a defender, +3 shield, and animated shield. 

In a fight the barbarian’s AC is now 40...

add on shield of faith and haste for another +4 for spite.

the highest attack bonus I’ve seen is +19 from the tarasque and ancient red dragons so they have to crit in order to hit you.

still would rather fight fantasy godzilla though because dragons are smarter and would ruin your day anyway

[harguusmcfarguus]

it’s the year 2237

militant suburban helicopter moms have taken over and are trying to one up their neighbors to be the truest soccer mom in the neighborhood.

the van industry has boomed.

PTA meetings are akin to gladiatorial matches.

dad jokes are punishable by death.

a man is tied to a steak surrounded by oiled tinder. He is in the middle of a street lined on either side with nearly identical houses and lawns. His mustache quivers as he is approached by a teenage girl, his own daughter, who has the unenviable task of lighting the fire as she was sent into the auto parts store to obtain headlight fluid. 

the man’s cracked glasses reflect the torches light as she approaches in tears.

“I’m sorry” she says, voice quivering as she placing the flame to the kindling.

“Hi sorry,” he begins, the fire already dancing around him, “I’m Dad!”

his satisfied laughter is heard for blocks as his daughter simply stands there. Stunned