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[hangmans-toothpick]

Tired cat father Rex means so much to me you don’t even know

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Top Gun Characters as Shit my Friends/Familt have said

Mav: Am I an idiot?

Slider: Ice requires me to tell you no.

Slider:

Mav:

Slider: But Ice isn’t here, and you’re an idiot-

Slider: I used to be nice before I started working with you.

Ice:

Slider: What have you done to me? Look at me! I’m mean now! I don’t want to be mean, Tom!

Ice: I’m so old. *groans* Just put me in a retirement home, I’m done!

Slider, about Ice: He’s like Superman but instead of super strength and laser vision he has a crippling nicotine addiction and abandonment issues.

Hollywood: Oh!

Hollywood, shocked: Oh!!

Hollywood, sympathetic: Oh…

Wolfman: Do you have any other way you can say that syllable?

Goose: A lot of thought goes into being a whore.

Pheonix: They need to make vapes that look like vaginas.

Bob: Is the clit where you’d hit?

Phoenix: YES! exactly.

*Listening to audio porn*

Maverick: this is how I sound going up stairs.

*about Iceman*

Maverick: Yeah he has cancer! Could be worse

Slider: Could be worse? That’s like saying that my leg is broken, but it’s okay because I have another leg!

Phoenix: I don’t support treating people like cattle. But men are icky.

Ice: I don’t like you.

Mav: Why?

Ice: You make me do things that are gonna get you killed.

Cyclone: Efficiency! you just have to give up on everything.

Iceman: Man, I’m just shitfaced. I dunno what the hell happened.

*being side-eyed by an amish girl*

Mav: should i ask what her problem is?

Goose: No, she’s amish! She probably has enough problems as it is.

Rooster: I wanna be in the smufs movie so i can bone papa. I mean absolutely raw doggin’ it.

Maverick: 👁💧👄💧👁

Phoenix: I’m laughing my tampon out of my pussy!

*after Ice’s cancer surgery*

Slider: So… how’s your wednesday evening going? Nothing like a wednesday night at St. Mary’s Hospital.

Mav:

Mav: How do you think I’m doing, Ronald?

Iceman: I’m not a communist… but-

Rooster: That! That is not a mustache. That’s a fuzzy upper lip.

Payback: Being complimented by Dwane The Rock Johnson is an orgasm in itself.

Rooster: If I could fuck a drugstore, I would fuck rite aid.

Hollywood: I mean… who hasnt dressed up as a woman? I have!

Mav, in yoda voice: Mhmm… coming you are.

Ice:

Ice: nope. thats it. get outta the bed. You’re done.

Rooster: I’m trying to spread the fucking peanut butter with a spoon.

Phoenix: You’re giving califorian stoner vibes

Bob: Very californian stoner of you, Bradley.

Coyote: Do you wanna watch Fast and Furious 9?

Hangman: I haven’t seen the first one.

Coyote: I’m sure they’re all the same.

Hangman: Car go fast. Vin Diesel. That’s all you need to know.

Rooster: Do you think you two will hate each other when you get old?

Maverick: He already hates me.

Iceman: I don’t hate you, you just bug me.

*trying to do pilates with Hangman*

Rooster: You’re such a sadist! This isn’t fun sexy pain. This is just pain!

*explaining to baby Bradley how 2 dads have a baby*

Iceman: Well, you see, when a man and a man love each other very much… they find a woman

Maverick: *wheezing*

Iceman: A woman who cares just a little bit.

Payback: Just because I’m an athlete doesn’t mean I can’t feel

*talking about throat cancer survivor*

Iceman: I have three holes. all fuckable.

Bob: I wanted to be in the Navy before I saw the movie! The hot guys are just a bonus!

Rooster: I’m so excited to fuck harrison ford

hangman: *getting quieter as she goes* hell yeah talking about our problems since… nineteen… thirty…… seven

Hangman: he better fucking leave his wife for me, I swear to god.

Slider: help him! he’s being pegged! anal!

Phoenix: Is that a boob?

Bob: No! That’s Gary the Snail!

Hangman: I can’t even begin to tell you how attracted to that peacock i was

Cyclone: what do you wear to a poker game?

Fanboy: fancy clothes.

Cyclone:

Cyclone: what.

Cyclone: yall have broken my spirit.

Hangman: thats our job as students

Cyclone: no shit.

Maverick: back in my day-

Hangman: i love history class.

Maverick, to Slider: Only you can make a happy birthday card for someone else and have it still be a jab at me.

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I have now read every single one of Ian Fleming’s James Bond novels, except for Live and Let Die, which I had to stop once I hit the chapter title which includes the N-word. Here’s a list of things you will encounter in these books:

James Bond throws up due to trauma at least once per book

Racism

No, really, more racism than you’re expecting

Yes, even for the 50s

At one point Bond writes a letter in his own pee

“All the real hep-cats smoke reefers!”

Many comments on the nature of American culture, including the “exotic pungency” of American road signs

Extended passages of James Bond being racist against various ethnicities you didn’t even know one COULD be racist towards

No seriously, James Bond inexplicably despises Bulgarians

A lengthy passage in which Bond shares his opinion that homosexuality is caused by giving women the right to vote

Bond gets tortured for the first time and immediately comes over all political and philosophical like, “Maybe communism is good actually, and also the Devil is a good guy?”

At one point Bond gets brainwashed by the KGB into trying to kill M

Bond is a grade-A Karen who delivers all of his restaurant orders with lengthy specifics as to how the food should be prepared, and gets pissy if it’s not up to his specifications.

“a gay, happy little crocodile” 

Bond is very excited to learn that in New York there are places where you can watch porn with sound AND color.

James Bond is The Most Boring Man in the World. His hobbies include golf and complaining about food.

Late in the books, Bond’s fiancee is killed right in front of him, and he starts showing PTSD symptoms and, instead of being all macho-man “I don’t need no help,” immediately starts going to every doctor available trying to get treatment

At one point the government tries to offer him a knighthood or some such and Bond messages back that he refuses the knighthood and that “My principal reason is that I don’t want to pay more at hotels and restaurants.” When told that this is too rude, he amends it to, “I am a Scottish peasant and I will always feel at home being a Scottish peasant.”

At one point the Bond girl is tied down by the villain of the book to await being eaten alive by crabs. Bond is terrified for her, but she, being something of an amateur zoologist, knows perfectly well that crabs aren’t gonna eat a living human, so she just chills there on the beach and waits for them to go away.

There is literally a damsel in distress tied to the actual train tracks, presented without irony

An MI6 agent speculates, in an official report to headquarters, that the target may be homosexual because he can’t whistle. Apparently men who can’t whistle are gay.

Bond is drafted to act as the villain’s secretary not once, but two separate times in two separate books. 

When Bond is at a boring party at a hotel conference room and is ordered by his employer to liven up the party, he accomplishes this by ORDERING THE HOTEL BAND, who were previously singing a censored version of some song, TO PERFORM A STRIP SHOW FOR HIM AND THE GUESTS WHILE SINGING THE DIRTY VERSION. This is his second idea, after he previously livened up the party by using one of the girls in the hotel band - the same one he wants to strip for him - as target practice by balancing a false pineapple on her head and shooting it. 

Bond exchanges a look with a fellow secret agent that is said to be “the recognition that exists between crooks, between homosexuals, between secret agents.”

“A hand-painted sign said ‘SNAX’ and, underneath, ‘Hot Cock Soup Fresh Daily’.”

The backstory of the villain of The Man with the Golden Gun is as follows: there was once a circus elephant who got REALLY HORNY and then went on a rampage and was shot by the cops, and then came back to the circus to  pathetically and tragically attempt to perform its circus act one last time. The child who was supposed to ride the elephant in the circus act witnessed all of this, and when the cops shot the elephant dead while performing its tragic act, the boy grabbed a pistol and SHOT ONE OF THE COPS in revenge for HIS ELEPHANT DYING. And that boy grew up to be a deadly, womanizing, hired gun, with three nipples, whom MI6 speculates must be gay because he can’t whistle. And that’s the villain of the book.

These books will make you hate the British as much as every single villain seems to

Waaaayyy more casual drug use than you would expect

like, seriously, at one point Bond is AT DINNER WITH HIS BOSS in his boss’s fancy-ass club, and he orders an envelope full of benzedrine from HQ and just casually pours it into his glass to drink with his champagne.

M lives with the man who used to be M’s Chief Petty Officer on his last naval posting, and who had followed M into retirement, and I am pretty sure they are boyfriends.

When Bond sleeps with the Bond Girl of Dr. No, she orders him to “Take those off and come in” and “You owe me slave-time. Do as you’re told,” proving once and for all that James Bond is a switch, I rest my case your honor

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jakes about an hour late to the latest iceman-maverick (icemav for short, as phoenix has coined) barbecue, so he’s just passing through the kitchen, not even thinking as he tosses out an easy “hey pops,” to the hosts on his way towards the doors to the backyard.

two voices call back in response. “hey kid.” “good to see you jake.”

he feels the pause. his hand hovers uncertainly over the door handle. slowly, he turns.

iceman and maverick, happily married couple, have suspended all kitchenly duties to glare at each other. “he was talking to me.”

“no, he was talking to me.”

“everyone calls me pops,” ice says, eyes narrowed. “bradley calls me pops. mickey calls me pops. even cyclone called me pops that one time that was embarrassing for all of us.”

maverick waves a hand at ice, the hand also wielding a knife he was using to chop watermelon. “yeah, but jake calls me pops. he called me pops before he knew you. that gives me pops rights.”

jakes debating just slipping out the door when they both turn towards him. in unison like good wingmen.

“jake, buddy, sport, slugger, who were you talking to?”

he offers a shrug. “uh, both of you, i guess.” it’s the truth, he wasn’t thinking too hard about it, his mind focused on getting to the backyard where he has it on good authority that his loving boyfriend is sweaty and shirtless and waiting for someone to share his lawn chair with.

ice purses his lips. “that won’t do.”

“we can’t both be pops,” maverick agrees. “that’s ridiculous.”

“right,” jake says, “that’s what’s ridiculous about this.”

“a challenge then,” ice forges on, ignoring him. “to determine who’s the better pops.”

solemn as their air boss, maverick sticks his hand out (sans knife) to shake on it. in some funhouse mirror reflection of that one photograph that seems to be everywhere, ice clasps his hand back.

and jake is somewhere between laughing, running, and bursting into tears. because no sane person has ever had this argument before and certainly not over him. nobody’s ever fought to be jake seresin’s pops before.

no one except these two ridiculous, crazy old men.

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Top Gun Characters as shit my friends/family have said

Iceman: I’d be unstoppable if I had cancer.

Slider: How to not get aids? Don’t get fucked in the ass.

Rooster: you know what’s great? alzheimers.

Hangman: clearly you’ve never had sex with a hermit crab.

Viper: you lazy piece of shit.

Bob: she’s the bitch i wish i was.

Fanboy, pointing at a sewer pipe: poop snake

Goose: i’ll be like robin hood! take from the rich and give to me.

Goose: wait we’re not brothers? SO WE CAN KISS!

Fanboy: i’m flippin my tortilla and then the sky falls... the sky falls? yup. the average day of a mexican.

Coyote: my dick just went limper than a noodle

Rooster: you smell like my dead grandmother.

Hangman: can we find out how big atticus finchs’ dick is?

Iceman: when you get to my age, you start reading obituaries a lot more.

Rooster: Uncle Ice, your 62.

*eating chipotle*

Rooster: I wanna seduce an old man

Mav: I JUST WANNA HAVE ONE NORMAL DINNER.

Iceman: Slider is like your Wingman, but if your Wingman was your mother.

Slider: Ice, can you leave the room so i can take a shit?

Hangman: Why is it so difficult stalking married men? I’m gonna fucking kill myself.

Iceman: I’m a mutant. X-men who? I’m gay.

Slider: I’m gonna turn the shower on so you dont hear me shit.

Maverick: Aids. Rated E for everyone!

Iceman: He got plastic surgery, and i got fucking cancer.

Phoenix: She isn’t like other girls. She reads books.

Pheonix: you dont like popcorn?

Hangman: i dont like how it sticks to my throat bobble.

Phoenix:

Bob: do you mean your uvula?

Rooster: Imagine if cancer was contagious.

Iceman:

Iceman: i want you to think long and hard about what you just said.

Maverick: Is it 9/11?

Slider:

Iceman:

Maverick: That would make all the history tiktoks ive been getting on my fyp make sense.

Rooster: Who’s your teacher? Mine is literally older than dust.

Coyote, about Hangman: He’s caring! he’s a dickhead sometimes, but we’re working on it.

Rooster: Signing up to be a fighter pilot is like signing up for a gym.

Slider: You have two options! Pregancy or cancer

Iceman, about Maverick: He’s a slut for attention.

Phoenix: Titties. The best homing beacon.

Maverick: Do you think little mice control the traffic lights?

Iceman:

Slider: Were you dropped on the head as a baby?

Maverick: You know the pecilcans from Ice age?

Goose:… yea.

Maverick: They sound like that.

Goose: Oh okay.

Maverick:…

Goose: Do you mean the DoDo Birds?

Slider to Hollywood about Wolfman: I know youre a monster fucker, but that’s too far. That’s just beastiality

Hollywood: Well. that movie made my nipples hard.

Wolfman: It’s a horror movie.

Hollywood: out of fear.

Goose: I’m dyslexic, I can’t see colors

Slider: I’m the cunt casanova

Bob: Bald men scare me.

Hangman: So is he just *starts fucking the air* thrusting into the grapefruit??

Payback: Don’t you start with me you incestous french bitch baby

Rooster: RDJ’ sherlock holmes is gay.

Maverick: Oh, so gay.

Iceman: They’re not gay, they’re just british.

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no one asked for this but here are some of my favorite Letterboxd reviews of Top Gun: Maverick

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Top Gun but it’s shit my friends/family have said

Mav: i can put my hand in fire for three seconds

Goose: I- you- why-

Mav: it looks pretty

Rooster: Would you be ashamed of me if i got a job at Hooters?

Ice: Very much so.

(from me to my father)

Slider: is there such thing as pro-sematism?

Ice: I think that’s called being a good person.

Mav: Get a sperm squirter! No, that’s a penis.

Carole: Do you mean a sperm donor?

Slider: Human taxedermy is one of the toughest jobs to have.

Ice:… do you mean embalming?

Wolfeman: god im gonna bang my head into my car battery.

Goose: Mav vs reasoning, the never ending saga

Mav: Why does god hate me?

Slider: Do you want a list?

Phoenix: I’ll scissor your nipples.

Rooster: Stop being a raging lesbian, this is an olive garden.

Jester: i’ll give you fives dollars if you snort a line.

Mav: fucking bet.

Goose: Please don’t do drugs.

Goose: Don’t fuck your mother.

Mav: Gotta keep the bloodline pure.

Ice: I am going to kill you.

Hollywood: Guys suck. They also swallow. Gay rights.

Goose: I need to go on a walk before I strangle my pilot.

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no ill go ahead and say it in a post too replies arent public enough

if you cannot see the problem with lightening the skin of a polynesian man to call his white clones genetically superior than their darker brothers you are a bad star wars fan

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* does a fucked up little fortnight dance *

I just think these dead fictional characters deserve better

{REBLOGS} ← [likes]

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Echo: the scrappers saw us we should leave Bracca

Hunter: nah we'll be fine

*the empire turns up*

Echo:

Hunter:

Hunter: don't you dare say I told you so

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Fandom: The Magnus Archives, Star Wars The Clone Wars (2008), vague Dead by Daylight

Tags: @crc-general-orin, @crc-commodore-sana9

Reblogs are love ^-^

-

[Recorder click]

Statement of Tup Fett regarding an incident that occurred in a Junkyard when he was a child.

Audio recording by Tech Fett, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institution, London.

Statement begins

Keep reading

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this is the money dog, repost in the next 24 hours and money will come your way!!

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LISTEN UP AGAIN KIDS STOP REBLOGGING THIS FUCKING GARBAGE POST. IT IS 100% FUCKING BULLSHIT AND CAN AND MOST DEFINITELY WILL LITERALLY KILL. DO YOU NOT SEE WARNING LABELS THAT SAY “DO NOT INDUCE VOMITING”? THEY AREN’T FUCKING AROUND. YOU CAN FUCKING BURN THEIR ESOPHAGUS BY CAUSING VOMITING, CAUSE CHOKING, DROWNING, OR MAKE IT WORSE! AGAIN DO NOT FORCE ANYTHING DOWN ANYONE’S THROAT. THEY. CAN. DROWN. IF SOMEONE IS LOSING CONCIOUSNESS ALL THE CHIT CHAT IN THE WORLD WILL NOT PREVENT IT AT THAT POINT THEY ARE IN SERIOUS DANGER. “Buuut i don’t wanna take them to the hospital!!!” WELL SUNSHINE GLAD YOU’D RATHER HAVE A DEAD FRIEND THAN A LIVING ONE BUT YOU’RE IN LUCK CALL FUCKING POISON CONTROL. THEY ARE NOT THE COPS. THEY WILL HELP YOU. AND IF THEY SAY GO TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL YOU GO TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL. NO EXCUSES. 0. NONE. I have seen this shit cross my dash SO MANY TIMES so PLEASE fucking reblog this and prevent some well meaning idiot from accidentally killing someone they love!

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You’ve never been a hero.

[Click for better quality. Please, please reblog if you like it! It helps me a lot and if you write something in the tags I WILL read it.]