hana-bean

[hana-bean]

Ayumi Hamasaki x Visée CM featuring her song "ourselves" (2003)

[hana-bean]

I know I had my issues...

And you did too

But you said you wanted to work on them

To work through them...

Together

It was a hard couple of months, I know

Anytime, during our fights, when I would offer to break up

You would cry

And hyperventilate

And remind me that I said breaking up shouldn't be a consideration

Okay... I won't say it again

So we will stay together no matter what

I liked that idea

No, loved...

Loved it as much as you

And then that night came

That terrible night

You went out with your friends

I was happy for you

You looked so cute, too

"I'll be home around ten-thirty, eleven o'clock."

Ten-thirty came

Then eleven

Then eleven-thirty

This hurt me

You knew it would

On top of the fact I hadn't heard from you since you left

Which wasn't normal

I had a migraine all day

And you would usually check in on me

But there was nothing...

I tried texting, calling

Nothing...

I knew deep down

Something wasn't right

You knew what you were doing

I slept on the couch that night

And could even smell the alcohol emanating from your body

I refused to talk to you in such a state

And you retreated to the bedroom

The next morning you gave me something

All but a text apologizing for not communicating properly

I said, "no, you didn't communicated at all"

And then the smallest thing

That you said

But was the biggest thing

That gave you away

"I don't know what's wrong with me"

I never thought anything was wrong with you...

And then I saw your iPad

That's when my world started to spin

The way you texted about me

The way you texted about her

Was so vastly different...

How could you say any of those things—

When you told me you loved me?

When you said you wanted to work on us?

When you said you didn't ever want to break up?

Lies, all of it

You completely invalidated everything

I gave you everything

And it meant nothing

I was such a fool

You made me such a fool

Everyone knew for so long except me

Your doubts, your feelings, your flirting

I tore up our photos

Tossed our memories

Banished all the reminders of what we once were

And, of course, you used my anger against me

You kept reiterating how unsafe you felt with me

Yet I was the one who was truly unsafe

You kept insisting on how mean and cruel I could be

Yet you were the meanest and cruelest of us both

You barely apologized

And stayed silent when I pointed out your behavior

And how it affected me

It's hard not to blame myself

To wonder over and over what I could have done differently

But it's not hard to know how much of a liar and coward you were

You're probably still talking to her

Your victimization believed by all your friends

Your intentions supported by your sister

Who never liked me

It's funny how you turned to her for advice

When you criticized her character constantly

She's convenient when you want validation, huh?

But it doesn't concern me anymore, does it?

You made sure of that

You got what you wanted now

I hope it was worth it

This mess, this pain

I hope she was worth it...

I hope it hurts for you

But it probably doesn't

I hope you miss me

But you probably don't

I hope you text me

But you probably won't

Any outcome comes with its own pain and consequences

I can't go back

No matter how much it hurts

How much I cry

How much I want you back

How much I miss you...

It will never work again

If you couldn't do what you needed to do when we were still together

Why would I trust you to do more?

Why would I trust you to move mountains

When you couldn't even kick over an anthill?

So this pain, this heartbreak, I will strive to never feel again

And only I have the power to make sure of it

So with a heavy heart, shaky voice, and blurry eyes

This is goodbye

[hana-bean]

playboy japan august 1975

[hana-bean]

“Dream Away” - Magical Girl Pretty Sammy - English Dub Opening

North American Release: November 6, 1995

[hana-bean]

Ayumi Hamasaki and her song “1 LOVE” in a commercial for Panasonic’s D-dock.

[hana-bean]

Ayumi Hamasaki for Panasonic's Lumix camera with her song "Because of you" (2003)

[hana-bean]

the urge to push everyone away and get everybody out of my life and just leave me alone

i deserve isolation

[hana-bean]

I cannot begin to express what I am feeling but it needs to stop right now

[hana-bean]

[hana-bean]

I just don’t want to feel anything anymore. I’m tired, drained, exhausted. Just let me die already.

[hana-bean]

I wish I felt nothing

Neither love or hate

Neither bliss or pain

Neither hope or dread

And if I felt nothing

I’d be more loved

I’d be more blissful

I’d be more present

But I always feel something

Always hated

Always in pain

Always dreading

So I yearn for emptiness

For space

For freedom

For nothing

[hana-bean]

[hana-bean]

I pretend that

You’re never coming back

That you’ve gone far away

Or you weren’t here in the first place

Never

Felt such a loneliness

Felt such a tenderness

Than when I’m without you, baby

[hana-bean]

[hana-bean]

[hana-bean]

[hana-bean]