gusthepanda

[gusthepanda]

Maybe not in this lifetime.

As aggressive as I am in getting something I know in my heart and in my guts that I want, if it's not meant to be, I'll back off. Maybe in this lifetime we are really not meant to be together, and you'll remain the biggest what if of my life. We both took the risk but not in the same time, thus here we are. Faith is playful that way, maybe there's a purpose. All I know is, you are the type of person that deserves to be loved and taken care of. I wish you nothing but happiness, because you really deserve it. Maybe in another lifetime, I can call you mine. And I can give you all of the love I have. For now, in this lifetime, please be happy. -Gus

[gusthepanda]

Scar.

You can never really fully unlove a person that once brought you joy and stability in life. The person you've spent years with building your dreams together from scratch. That sucks. As I heal, and slowly rebuild myself, I realized that even though I am an emphatic person who doesn't want to hold any grudges, I really cannot forgive you for the hurt that you've caused me. 1. I cannot forgive the way that you twisted your fucked up action of being aggressive in not showing what was on your mobile that day and somehow blaming me for your bad shit crazy behavior. 2. I cannot forgive the way you somehow blamed the break up with me when honest to God even your family as a witness I did nothing but to love and take care of you, support and put you first. 3. I cannot forgive that just 2 weeks after the break up, you spent a few days with another woman in an airbnb hiding from your family, you even brought the woman to our "home". 4. I cannot forgive that you chose to throw our years and dreams together just like that. 5. I cannot forgive that you left me home, crying my eyes out day and night while you spend your nights with the woman. 6. I cannot forgive that for some reason, you really don't see what is wrong with the decisions and actions you made and always put the blame in me. 7. I cannot forgive that fresh from break up, you show me those fucking tulips (ugly as fuck) given to you by that woman with a big grin at your face, even posting it on social media, letting everyone assume that it was from me. At this point you don't want anybody to know what you've done. 8. The most unforgivable thing that you did, is laying your hands on me out of your anger because of basically what you did that you desperately want to hide. Of course people will notice. And you expect them to be stupid enough to not to know anything. You don't know this but your mom immediately noticed your fucking action when you brought that woman along to pick up your sister. Yet you are too stupidly blind to see what fuck ups you did. Many has happened, at this point instead of anger I feel disappointment towards you. At the end I saw you true color. You are the biggest scar in my heart

[gusthepanda]

It is what it is.

I hated that quote. As a person who strive to do anything and everything I can to resolve an issue or achieve a goal this quote sucks. It's like you do not have any other choice, you just have to give up. And as destiny? coincidence? God? would allow it, I'll be put to my place, ego humbled, and forced to accept that sometimes even if we did everything even if we gave our best, some situations are really beyond our control. No amount of anger, crying and begging can change the fact that you really don't have any other choice but to raise the white flag and move on. For the sake of my sanity and peace, I've embraced it. "It is, what it is". at the end of the day you really don't have a say or choice on the matter. Either you spiral down or lick your wound and go on your way. Move forward even if it hurts, even if it is against your will, even if it breaks your heart. This is normal for us human, pain and weakness makes us human. And with each day, with each step, with each acceptance you'll find yourself in peace, a bit happier, and unexpected surprises come your way. You meet good people discover new joys in life. It's a bit weird to even rediscover myself. Who I am, what I like, letting go makes us free in a sense.

[gusthepanda]

There was you.

In a time where everything felt broken, where there is only darkness, sadness and anger. There was you. It was that one night that I prayed to overcome the pain I felt. Then I saw your malun song posted. I hesitated for a bit, but a little voice inside my head urged me to reach out to you. And I did. To be honest everything was a blur, it was a mess, it's a fucked up situation. I thought I was gonna lose myself. I thought I'll be consumed by sorrow and dark thoughts, as always, as before, just like when I first met you, I felt your cozy warmth, your genuine care and I am lucky enough to be heard, validated and assured that everything will be alright. That I'll make it through. In a time where I gave up on myself, you believed in me. And for that you are the purest kind hearted soul I've ever met. Fast forward today, I am still healing, I still have deep unseen wounds, I still have traumas however because of you, my heart is lighter. I am more optimistic about the future, and I am loving myself more each day because you thought me to love myself first. I really don't know how to reciprocate the kindness that you have shown me. All I can do with what's left or with the pieces of my heart is isa ka sa pinaka iingatan kong tao. I'll always be here for you. Fun Fact: I will never ever forget your virtual alaga when I was sick. I just followed what you told me and I felt better the next day lol. The first legit alaga (even though virtual) I experienced. Di mo ako pinagalitan and concern ka talaga. So thank you :) My Promise: Aaralin ko mag timpla ng Gin para sayo. lol. So to my love rosie kinda thing Da, thank you for bringing warmth into my darkest coldest days.

Your Gus kinda thing, J

[gusthepanda]

yep, not gonna chase those who can easily ignore someone.

[gusthepanda]

This is me saying I love you.

As simple as that.

Once you told me that 95% of relationships at some point they fall out of love.

I guess I was included in the 5%, I really never fell out of love sayo. I held so tight and really fought my way para kumapit sayo. Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic like ted who still believes in "spark" or drac who believes in "zing".

So this is me. Included in the 5%, saying I love you. In the simplest way, in my own way.

Whatever the situation is, even if time came that by miracle I did not say a word and just agreed with everything, know that my silence means the pain I am truly willing to endure to show how much I love you.

[gusthepanda]

1:03PM

I wished I had an amnesia. I want to forget the betrayal that I felt, the pain, the broken trust.

I wish I had an amnesia. For I do not want to feel this way. I do not want to be this way. I wish I can mend the broken pieces. I tried. I am still trying.

Forgiving was easy. Forgetting is another story.

I know I've changed even without my own consent. I am tired. Tired of my internal struggles. I never thought that love would take a lot of work. I never thought I would lose a big chunk of ME in the process.

Today I just acccept, accept, accept. Even tho I know It's a lie. I nod and smile. I miss the happy warm side of me. The one with no worries. I miss seing my eyes filled with love like a puppy's eye seing the most sweetest treat.

I am just tired.

[gusthepanda]

TOTGA

[gusthepanda]

Today, a part of me died.

[gusthepanda]

Wish

I wish I could go back in time where your smile melts my heart and your eyes full of love.

Now I only see a tired lonely eyes, and I am not sure If I am still the one who can ignite the sparks of your love.

[gusthepanda]

I'm a broken piece of shit. Not really sure if I can be saved.

[gusthepanda]

5:49

Sa akin ika'y bumalik

Ngunit bakit hindi ka sabik?

Wala na ang ngiti

Hindi na tulad ng dati...

Ikaw ba ay hindi na masaya?

At sa iba ay umaasa?

Ako ba ay hindi na mahal?

Ako ba ay nagkulang sa dasal?

Hindi ko makayanan makita

Na sa akin piling ikaw ay hindi masaya

Hindi na alam ang gagawin

Ako pa ba ay kaya mong mahalin?

O kailangan na ba kitang palayain?

Walang ibang ginawa kung hindi kumapit

Pero bakit ika'y hindi lumalapit

Nalilito nalulungkot

Kailangan ko ng sagot

Ibalik nyo ako sa nakaraan

Kung saan ika'y sa akin nakalaan

Kung saan ang bawat ngiti mo ay para sa akin

Kung saan ako'y iyong wagas na mamahalin

Ibalik nyo ako sa nakaraan

Dahil ako'y labis na nasasaktan

Anong nangyare sa wagas na pag iibigan?

Bakit mo ako binitawan...

[gusthepanda]

Paranoia... I hate it.. This is not me..

[gusthepanda]

not really sure.

bit more than i could chew?

:(

[gusthepanda]

10:02PM

That feeling when you've given everything yet it's still not enough.

[gusthepanda]

Fear

Fear of the unknown and unexpected.

The lack of assurance, broken heart and soul.

It's a struggle. But we really don't have a choice, life is a gift and we must continue.

[gusthepanda]

Oh tell me why did, why did we

Throw away the love we had?

And tell me why do, why do we

Love to make it hurt so bad

Yeah I know that we can’t be friends

But after all the things we been

Ooh why do we, we have to be

Enemies?