gruelingpink

[gruelingpink]

[gruelingpink]

A Woman in Scorn.

I am 21. Twenty-one with 284 days until I'm 22. That's not the point though. The point is at 21 I have decided that love isn't worth any of the embarrassment that comes with the heartbreak.

Trust me, I'm not some sicko boring chick who had one bad guy and has decided to swear off sexually socialising. Never. But I have decided that I'm done with liars and having sore excuses for 'crushes' pitting innocent people against each other just so they can feel good about themselves. Whilst the two other poor parties have to claw their way into a bit of meaningless affection. Let me paint you a picture.

Since the budding, coming of age time of being 16 years old, I have made bad choice after bad choice. For the first time a boy has liked me. Me. The girl who had severe acne, gangly, nervous and still holding on to a deep love to 2016 Youtube culture. You know what I mean. Spoiler; he cheats. And so did the next partner (around 4 times over 3 years) But then I realise how my young demeanor and love for attention can be used as a weapon.

I start flirting with older men. I Gone Girl these assholes. (Not in a fake my death way but in a 'Cool Girl' Monologue way) But because I'm in over my head with pretty much everything I do. It backfires. Again. I get hurt again. By this time I start to think that this is how love is shown- badly.

I finally get a nice boyfriend and what do I do? Not fall in love. The next? Gay.

Hilarious I know. But here I am now, in a ironic Carrie Bradshaw way, typing meaningless paragraphs wanting people to feel bad for me, or maybe. Just maybe- I yearn to know if I'm not alone on what could be another Bridget Jones movie. A prequal maybe.

It won't matter in the morning anyway. My mind will factory reset and I'll act like the hours of crying, starving, dissociating was nothing. I'll wake up and be ready to become someone's doting girlfriend once more. My heart secretly locked up and my legs- wide open for fucking.