gritandfaith

[gritandfaith]

I'm tired, not that much physically but my soul is absolutely exhausted.

[gritandfaith]

One of the first things that you have to learn to be okay with in your life is the fact that you can NEVER be perfect. Next, people are always going to find some type of flaw in what you're doing no matter how hard you are trying. Lastly, be secure with fighting through this life with God by your side and no one else.

People will let you down daily, they will break you and make you feel like you're worthless but God will always have your back. God is greater than any person and he's greater than any storm that will come your way.

[gritandfaith]

[gritandfaith]

Being alone is one thing that I am best at.

Whether I mean to be or not, I always end up alone so I must be the best at it or else I wouldn't always end up that way.

Sadness used to follow the idea of loneliness and the idea of my own thoughts echoing off of the silence. However, it has become normal for me now and I find no fear or sadness in it at all.

Acceptance is always the first step to any fate, so THEY say. I still don't know who THEY are but THEY are always right so, here I am accepting things for what they are.

[gritandfaith]

Who Are We?

Sometimes I feel like the world is literally crashing down around me. So many things happening at once, choices that have to be made, voices screaming at me to do what THEY WANT instead of what I know in my heart is right.

I ask myself so often, "who am I"? Have I became the punching bag for others when they need to throw ill remarks or yell? Have I become someone to just do chores and provide? Who am I really?

I feel like my meaning has been so belittled that sometimes I'd just like to curl up in a ball and say the heck with everything.

A person should have more meaning than to just be another person's support, another person's maid, another person's money bags.

It would be nice to hear "how was your day"? Or "do you need to talk"? Instead of "I need...."

[gritandfaith]

It's Like Drowning: PTSD Flare Up

"It came from no where, like a wave in the ocean that took me under before I could stop it."

I've worked in healthcare for over 2 years now as a nurse aide. I care for patients of all sorts. Some patients are elderly, some are young, some are kind and some are mean. Most patients I have truly can't help their behavior because they have dementia or some other condition that affects their mind.

I couldn't tell you how many patients that I have had, I just know it's been a lot. I've met many wonderful people that have truly left beautiful marks on my life but then there are the select few that manage to leave me with memories that can sometimes be traumatizing.

The other night I had a patient that wasn't unlike others that I have had before. He screamed a lot and was confused which was all something that he couldn't help. It wasn't bothering me because I truly do understand. I provided comfort as I could and even prayed with him and he finally went to sleep with a smile on his face. He slept well all night and I truly believe that God gave that man rest that night because his poor mind really needed it.

However, morning came around 5AM and the fight was on so to speak. He was angry and yelling at the nurse. I was trying to so hard to stay out of the situation and allow the nurse to do what she could until she asked for my help. I was sitting in the nurses station and for the first time in years my PTSD from trauma that I went through as a young adult was triggered. I found myself fighting back tears and trying to just force myself to breathe. I kept reminding myself that this didn't even have anything to do with me, it was okay, I deal with this all the time.

To be honest, I have no idea what part of this situation triggered me. I really do see this all the time in my career. I felt so weak and broken, like I was crazy. I left work feeling like I was dead inside.

I came home and curled up next to my husband and told him to just hold me tight until I fell asleep.

I woke up and I just started crying uncontrollably. I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was drowning. All of the emotions that I had bottled up for years was pouring out and I couldn't stop it. I just kept saying 'I'm crazy". I'm 31 years old and I've never experienced anything like this.

My husband held me for hours and just let me cry it out. After my storm had finally calmed, my precious little puppy daughter curled up next to me as if she knew I was feeling so broken. 

Today is a new day. I feel some of the weight lifted from my chest but I'm still so confused on what triggered me so much that I lost control.

I love my job. I love taking care of people. I can't imagine living a life where I wasn't helping others. So, now I have to find what this trigger is and conquer it so this doesn't happen again. I have to find some way to bury this part of me so that I can keep going.

Am I the only one like this? Am I the only one going through this? 

[gritandfaith]

People Can Change

I've often been the one the end of a conversation where I was being talked to as the person I was 6, 7 or maybe 8 years ago. While I know that I've changed, it's often hard to convince others that I have changed. We all go through this at some point in our life. The point where we are trying so hard to let go of a part of our life that no longer exists to us but a select few people just enjoyed that version of us so much that they refuse to let it go.

Everyone doesn't want to see a good version of you, some people immensely enjoys the version of you that suffers the most. People that you trust and love so much and think would never hurt you will try so hard to hold you back because they don't want you to be better, they don't want to see you happy.

"If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed." - John 8:36 KJV

When you are free from your chains, from sin, from the things that hold you back in this life - that version of yourself is gone. Others may try so hard to bring that part of you back but when God says "it is done" then that's exactly what he means.

Choosing who you allow yourself to keep company with can be hard but people that refuse to accept the good version of you are not your people, they are not for your good.

Remember, God is for our good and will never do anything to hurt us. If we go through something that brings us pain it is because he has something greater for us.

So, if you're someone that is surrounded by people that refuse to accept the new version, the good version of you then just know - it's time to let go. Peace comes in the morning and it might seem hard right now but I promise you this - when God takes your chains then you're not meant to pick them back up again. Let it go.

[gritandfaith]

Nexplanon: My Experience

If you're not sure what Nexplanon birth control is, you can use this link to view the Nexplanon directly: https://www.nexplanon.com/

First off, I just want to say that if you're planning on getting this birth control implant and you are easily scared - I DO NOT recommend looking up videos on YouTube! The video's make it look a lot worse than it actually is. When I got my implant, I legit didn't feel anything. Stay away from YouTube!

I want to first explain why I had to have birth control in the first place. It wasn't really because I was trying to avoid pregnancy, it was because my PCP required it. Here is the short story:

I was at the beginning of my weightloss journey and was needing several medications adjusted. Unfortunately, one of the new medications that I had to take for my type 2 diabetes caused birth defects. This medication was something that I really needed at the time so I agreed to be put on birth control in order to get this medication so I could pursue my weightloss journey.

With the help of my doctor, proper exercise and a healthy diet; I lost 100 lbs in one year. As the years went by, my fiance' and I decided that we were ready to set our wedding date and I am beyond ready to try have a child again! I have suffered with infertility for a long time but after weight loss and other issues being solved, my OBGYN says there is hope!

At the beginning of November (2022) I had my implant removed. It was time for replacement anyways. I told my OBGYN that I was ready to try to conceive and he agreed to help me in any way that he can.

My experience with Nexplanon was a good one. This little implant is placed just under the skin and lasts 6 years. I didn't gain any weight, I did have some mild acne in the beginning, my hormones and emotions were not affected. My overall experience was a positive one. The implant didn't move, or cause any damage to my arm. I barely had any bruising when he removed it. Insertion did cause a lot of bruising but it wasn't painful.

I've been asked a lot "why did you choose the implant?" Well, when I was 14 I had a very large tumor that formed on my uterus from large amounts of estrogen and progestin from birth control pills. With the Nexplanon implant you are less likely to have this issue. I also suffer with PCOS which can be triggered by some forms of birth control, especially if you're someone like me. Nexplanon does not cause these issues. I do not recommend talking to your OBGYN about this, I'm not a doctor so I can't really explain it the way your doctor can.

Do I recommend Nexplanon? Yes. If you're someone that doesn't want to take pills or injections and are considering a form of implant, I think Nexplanon is worth trying.

Eric and I start our new lives as husband and wife on December 30, 2022. I pray that the Lord blesses me with a child. I pray that I don't have to see many more missing lines in my future.

[gritandfaith]

Another Missing Line

The anticipation as you wait to see if even the faintest second pink line will appear on a plastic stick is almost more torture than a broken bone.

The timer is set, we wait. Three minutes go by - nothing! Yet again. I wish I could say after all these years that it didn't hurt me so badly, but I would be lying.

Sometimes I feel like less of a woman because I can't carry a little life inside of me. I long for the day when I can feel the kicks of tiny feet from the inside, the morning sickness, the back pain, restless nights, dirty diapers, laughs, giggles, tiny feet and tiny hands. My heart feels like a piece of it is missing without these things.

Struggling with PCOS, infertility and depression isn't the best combo. I pray that God delivers me from the silent pain that I live in every single day. I pray that I can be a light to others and just let them know that they are not alone in the struggle and in the pain.

Every missing line, every false test, every tear that is cried - it's a symbol of the love that a woman has for her unconceived child. We may not yet be blessed with a child but our heart already loves it more than life.

Some day my little one, some day.

[gritandfaith]

Peace: Written On 06.07.2022

Peace; that’s something that I haven’t felt in such a long time. When you hear the word “peace” it’s often in relation to the world and the times we are living in. However, the peace that I’m speaking of is personal peace.

I’ll be 31 years old this year and looking back over my life I can recall a few points in my life where I was truly at peace. These points in my life were places where I wasn’t worried about what tomorrow held for me because I trusted that God would carry me through whatever came, my emotional and mental struggles like depression and anxiety was no longer a issue because the things that triggered them no longer was on my shoulders to carry, I gave it all to God.

Knowing all of this, I often ask myself “how did I end up where I am now?” I wonder how I managed to get so far from God when I know that I can’t make it without him, when I know that my only peace can be found with him.

This world has a way of tricking us. It can take the most awful things and make it look wonderful and enticing. I truly believe that this is the plan of Satan. This is how Satan plans to pull us in without us realizing what is happening. I know that’s what has happened to me so many times in my life. Without knowing, I would somehow end up lost in this world.

We can’t make it through life without God. Some people will argue this but I can speak from experience and say that they are wrong. We can not mentally nor physically carry the weight and pain of this world on our own. Humans are not capable of handling the darkness that’s coming, we can’t do this without God. The darkness that’s coming is going to consume us if we don’t have God in our heart to carry us and light the way.

This world isn’t getting better. I wish that I could tell you that it was all going to get better and everything was going to be okay but I would be lying. As the days go by, things are going to get worse. Changes are coming that so many of us are not prepared for.

I’m scared. I’m not just scared for myself, I’m scared for all of the lost souls. I’ve read my Bible, I know the scripture - I know what’s coming. Without God we can’t do this. Without God we can’t survive. This world will literally consume us if we don’t have God guiding and carrying us.

If you know God but you have strayed, just know that it’s not too late. You can always go back home and you can always find your peace again. If you’re someone that has questions, you don’t know God but you want to - my mommy always said that the Bible is a road map. The Bible holds all of your answers. If you need someone to talk to, I’ll be glad to listen and help in any way that I can. Just send me a message.

I don’t want to leave this world “lost”. I’ve suffered so much in this life, more than anyone, except God knows. When I take my final breath I want to be at peace.

I’d love to live the rest of my days on this earth in peace, worry free and trusting God but even if I can’t have full peace again - I just pray that I can make it to Heaven to have it eternally.

[gritandfaith]

A Letter From A Lost Lamb

 

“How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray? And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray.” – Matthew‬ ‭18:12-13‬ ‭KJV‬‬ 

Dear Lord,I often feel like I’m going to fall apart, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not who I used to be but I’m not who I’m meant to be either.

Somehow, I have managed to wonder so far from the flock and the storm is getting pretty rough out here. I know you continue to search for me and I promise I’m waiting here crying to be found.

My fear is rising in my heart because I can hear the wolves coming for me, Lord. If you could somehow shine your light so that I may see, I’ll run to your sheltering arms with haste.

I pray that you will forgive me for getting lost out here in the wilderness, I didn’t mean to. I seen something that caught my eye and drew my attention from you, it nearly led me to my death. I’m waiting here now, in the middle of this darkness. I pray so hard for the sun to bring me peace but without you here beside me I fear it won’t bring me peace as it did before.

My Lord, you are my protector and my peace, my warmth and shelter from the treacherous storms and enemies that are coming to destroy me. I see now that my only home and peace is with you, please come rescue me… I’m ready.

Yours Truly, A Lost Lamb

[gritandfaith]

Fighting To Survive

This world, it's a mess. I never imagined that in my lifetime I would see the things I've seen come to pass, that I'd go through the things I've gone through.

This is just the beginning. We are so overwhelmed right now but this is just the beginning of what is coming.

Sometimes I look around me and question what I'll do when I'm all alone in this scary world, how will I survive this all alone?

Lately, I am so overwhelmed with sadness that it is consuming me more than I would normally allow. Whether it be that I'm just so mentally and physically exhausted or because my heart is breaking - I don't know.

I wish I could fix the world. That I could make all of this go away, but it doesn't work that way.

"Fear is not of God." I repeat that to myself so often. Fear has more power than we should allow it to have. If we could fully put our faith in God and rebuke fear then maybe we could overcome this.

I feel like I'm fighting a battle to survive. I don't mean health wise or physically - I mean mentally. I think we all feel like this right now, especially healthcare workers.

As someone that is on the frontline, seeing first hand what's happening: I can honestly say that I wish that I could do more. My everything still isn't enough to ease the suffering of the people right now.

We talk so much about this terrible pandemic but what people are not realizing is that we have another large issue as well. I can't count the people that has attempted suicide within the last few months. Some we have saved and cared for until they could go home but I can't help but wonder about the ones that weren't so lucky.

Something has happened lately. Depression, fear, sadness and anxiety has taken over - especially with the younger people. It makes me wonder if some spiritual entity is the cause of this, if Satan is trying to take as many as he can before Jesus comes back.

My opinion doesn't mean much. After all, I'm just one person in this huge world. However, I truly believe that the end is close. How could it not be? We are seeing so many signs, things are so bad. This world can't stand much more.

In the meantime, while I'm waiting I choose to help others. To set aside my heartbreak and help everyone that I possibly can. I choose to devote my life to making a difference and trying to help others see the light in the darkness.

We have to come together. Even if we all can't come together, then at least some of us has to. We have to fight to survive and to help others TOGETHER. We have to pray and allow God to guide us and be our shield that is protecting us from danger.

Will you join us in the fight? Are you ready to make a difference in this world? Are you ready to help the light shine in the darkness? I hope so, we need you.

[gritandfaith]

"And he took bread, and gave thanks, and brake it, and gave unto them, saying, This is my body which is given for you: this do in remembrance of me. Likewise also the cup after supper, saying, This cup is the new testament in my blood, which is shed for you." - Luke 22:19‭-‬20 KJV

[gritandfaith]

The Hard Truth

 The hard the truth that you don't wanna hear is often the one thing no one will ever say to you. Yet the hard truth is what we often need the most.

I can honestly say that at the age of 30, I have been through more than most people twice my age. I've been broken in more ways than I care to share and what I'm about to say to you right now, I wish someone would have said to me before it was too late.

He's not gonna change sis. Things are not gonna get better. He makes it look good and so convincing for a while because it pulls you back in but I promise, it won't last.

People don't change overnight. Someone actually told me once "I can change overnight, I've done it before". I remember the cold chills that just ran down my spine because I knew right then I was dating someone that was probably the biggest con artist ever and didn't even realize it.

Time is something you can't get back. You can't get a refund on it, it doesn't work like that. The bad things you go through, you can get passed them but you'll never forget them.

So, ask yourself right now - why am I still here?

Sis, he isn't gonna change. It's a lie, a facade. He will never be what you deserve and he will never treat you the way you should be treated.

If you're a guy reading this, the same principle applies to you! 

People DO NOT change overnight. Stop letting them hurt you. No matter if you're a man or woman, it's okay to guard your heart and walk away.

Women and men are both guilty of being cruel. I've met some women that have made me ashamed to even call myself a woman, so trust me - I know it's not all men.

Starting over is the scary part. Staying, sounds easier and more secure because you're used to it. However, what is life without a little adventure?

Fear is not of God. Fear is something that people will use to control you. Fear is a liar. Fear is evil, it's cruel and it's the enemy. Don't be scared to start over!

Staying with someone that is toxic for you is not the only choice that you have.

Sometimes the best choice is being alone for a little while to learn to depend on yourself and to depend on God and then find someone to live your life with.

When you KNOW that you don't require a significant other to survive then life doesn't look so scary anymore.

Maybe you think I'm crazy and that's okay.

I've been alone a lot in my life but to be honest I kinda wanted it that way. I wanted to know that I can make it on my own. I now know that I can provide and support myself, I'm not scared of being alone anymore, I can open a pickle jar now, pour windshield washer fluid into my vehicle, change a wiper blade, put air in a tire and so on. I learned those little things and while I got mad at myself multiple times I still learned that I could do it myself.

I don't require a man to survive. Don't get me wrong, having someone love me and be by my side is amazing but I don't require it. I can survive alone if I have to.

Don't be afraid. It's okay to let go. Just know, you don't know my entire story but I can guarantee if you did you'd take my advice. 

This is your hard truth my friend, take it or leave it. I hope for your sake you take it. Spare yourself the heartbreak, the pain and the terrible memories and put yourself first. It's okay to let go.

[gritandfaith]

Dark Days Are Coming: Written On 09.30.2022

About 2 weeks or so ago the Lord showed me a vision of something that was coming. He told me that a great darkness was going to fall over the land and it would happen in the blink of an eye. When he spoke of this my heart filled with sadness because I could feel the pain of what was coming.

Shortly after this I began noticing a change in so many people. Don’t get me wrong, it was already bad but this is different. Last night I was praying on my way home and the Lord said “this is the beginning” and I knew what he was speaking of. I just began to cry and I said “Lord, these poor people - what will they do! What will I do?” and he replied “call on me”.

You can take this message for what you will my friends but the Lord has spoke so clear to me for the past month and I just feel so burdened for the lost. Dark days are coming but the Lord is the lighthouse in the darkest of storms.