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How tf am I supposed to take a break from school when my ass still gets dragged back there because of research. I know I pretty much wrote the entirety of it but come on man, let me hibernate in peace

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Why must I keep entertaining mediocrity?

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Everyone is entitled to walk on a random road with barely anyone around so that you can finally hear yourself think.

The wind felt nice, I had no umbrella but I was kinda hoping for rain.

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Sometimes I wonder why I live but then I realize how much untrue shit will be said in my name when I'm so I choose to live so that when I die, I leave a legacy that I made myself, whatever that may be.

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The disadvantage of being known for always joking, laughing, smiling, and shit is that it's hard for people to just instantly know that there is something wrong.

I got asked why I was absent at school and truthfully I immediately said that I was feeling sad but that was immediately dismissed since I often just never tell the real reason.

Speaking of which, I can't seem to sleep. Images of things that immediately zoom out to reveal a very large object or something attached to the images keep appearing and it's making my head feel heavy.

I think I'm feeling overwhelmed, that's the feeling I'm getting from it. Even while writing, I could still feel my head feeling heavy. I have an urge to miss the next two days of school and continue being normal by monday but I'm scared I'll fall into a spiral.

Update: My head is feeling wobbly, it's probably the light from my phone making my head hurt but who knows?

Why do I even write here? Maybe it's because I want to be heard but not seen. I've always been more confident when there is a layer that people cannot see through since real life, I've been prone to doing things that may be seen as weird.

I've always been truthful, and when I don't want to answer, I just keep saying that they should not worry about it. Even though I do want them to worry about it, I want to feel like someone actually cares. Maybe they already do and it's just self destructive nature that assumes otherwise.

Speaking of school, we were recently learning about fallacies in our philosophy subject and something about the cause and effect fallacy made me wonder, is it a fallacy if there is no evidence to reject the argument because the argument is deeply connected to the individual?

Like I was making fake scenarios to help me understand the fallacy even more and what I came up with was if my teacher asked to provide an example and the example I said was something personal like: "Every one good day I have always guarantees at least two bad days."

I mean by definition, yeah it is a fallacy, an informal one to be specific but where the evidence that says that I am wrong. The statement is purely unique to me and the statement never included the opinion of anybody else.

Also, speaking of self destruction, the combination of open mindedness and self destructive nature is an insane combo because in one hand, I am open to every single criticism there is since their input is valuable in making myself better but then seed of doubt starts to appear and now I'm asking if I had done every single thing in my school life correctly.

Like what am I doing wrong to get these kinds of negative emotions? I've never done anything that I have considered unhealthy like drinking alcohol and those kinds of stops.

I know I have freedom to do whatever, my grades allow me to do that but I can't do anything with it.

If anyone somehow reads this, the one thing you should know is that friends are valuable. My build in video game terms has always been one for being a solo. My skills and mentality has been molded to match that with it having both good and bad things accompanied with it. But my mental capacity does allow me to use this build fully after knowing what having people with you feels like.

I don't think people ever considered me an actual friend. I was only ever known in school but outside of that, none of them would ever talk to me or be friends with me.

People say that no one is an island but I believe I am, and it's a curse.

What did I do to myself to hate myself so much that I do so instinctually?

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Turns out I can only handle 2 reporting/presentation or else I'll have a full mental breakdown where I spend 3 hours late at night looking over my presentation so that I don't embarrass myself or my group mates only for me to sleep late and wake up the day of the presentation.

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Remember those fantasy plot where the character is like from another country or world and he/she has to win a war from the bad guys?

I think it would be good to write that entire plot but set on the modern world and where the protagonist slowly starts to think of this war as fantasy to cope with the war.

Like he starts to think that defending a town is like being given a quest to vanquish the demons roaming around but in the end the protagonist still slaughtered multiple people.

He begins to think that the demons are the bad when in the end, there is no side, there is no winner and loser, just needless slaughter.

Then when the protagonist's country began to take back their land, it's like conquering the land of demons and in the end, the protagonist became one of those fantasy protagonists, ignoring all the underlying things happening as a result of war and only caring for the things he sees and the end result.

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Why is it that life always finds a way to make me fall? Why is it that one good day will always guarantee an inevitable bad day in the future?

I guess I would always be immune to having one gigantic failure because every small victory I get, there would always be a small failure to put me back in my place.

Logically speaking, that's honestly a good thing but that doesn't mean that small failures never inflict a huge wound over me.

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I'm actually so fucking done with barber shops like all I wanted you to do was trim the side and back and you still fuck it up.

Literally I have been walking for 10 minutes back and forth in my room after getting my hair fucked up and I literally can't calm down anymore. I'm done, it's either my hair becomes extremely long or I learn my own hair because clearly no barber is going to listen to my simple instructions and what hurts more the fact that my OG barber is the one fucked it up.

I don't care anymore, I'm never getting a haircut, fuck everyone that keeps saying to get a haircut, I know I look mid anyway but if I'm gonna look mid, then I'm gonna look mid but still be comfortable with it. I would rather be told that I look like a woman with my hair than have my hair continuously fucked up every 2 months.

My patience has reached its limits and I am no longer willing to care for my social standing, literally in all of my years in this earth, the one time that I was actually satisfied with my haircut was a year ago but ever since that specific barber disappeared, I long had hope.

I'm done listening to others tell me what cut to get, we both know I never look good which is the cut that I want is the one that makes me feel good about it. I don't care anymore if people think it looks shit, as long as I'm happy with it who gives a shit.

And I hate the fact that not many people care about it or the fact that it even matters in the bigger picture but the people who do just can't seem to be satisfied with the fact I vibe my hair style. And at the end of the day, I'm still a slave to the opinion of others because the people who has an opinion on me often are people I respect enough to care for their opinion.

I have no clue what's gonna happen after making this choice but what kind of man will I be if I do not stand by my choices.

P.S I feel much better putting my thoughts into words. Honestly the last paragraph feels kinda cringe but who cares lmao

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Beautiful. (Entrance L.wing)

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So close yet so far (Entrance L.wing)

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Tried to play cytus 2 some time ago, the visual feels to stylized that it honestly made my gameplay worst, if the game updates and gives me a mode that it simplify it, I might go back and play it

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I've been playing Toram Online for quite a while now and I haven't gotten to writing my novel, somebody help TT

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Mashed Potatoes attempt #2

It's actually pretty good, got it to a consistency and texture similar to a kfc mashed potatoes

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Holy shiii- I can't sleep, and I have a test in 9 hours too.

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Made mashed potatoes, though probably way too much

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Molto Allegro mastered :>>>>>