green-eyednymph

[green-eyednymph]

I am like a fossil, burdened with the remnants of a life long lost amid the chaos.

[green-eyednymph]

Albert Camus, The Fall

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[green-eyednymph]

"It is true that we are all children of god; some of us are just born mangled and ruined."

[green-eyednymph]

Just got done with some screaming about an hour ago

the feminine urge to release a gut-wrenching scream from the depths of your soul

[green-eyednymph]

(x)

[green-eyednymph]

[green-eyednymph]

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[green-eyednymph]

A friendly reminder!

[green-eyednymph]

— Anaïs Nin, from The Voice

[green-eyednymph]

I simply want to feel like I’m not a bother to anyone. I no longer wish to be told later on about how I’ve been a burden, without them ever saying it. I wish to have peace. I only want to feel genuinely loved. I don’t want to be told by everyone that I need to continue to do more, when I don’t have much else to give. How is one to take proper care of themselves, whilst everyone around them demands more of them each day? I am but a tool, a machine who responds to the users input to follow through with a function and a purpose. I find it difficult to express myself because I’ve always been treated as lesser than. I’ve always been expected to be a good foot soldier and persevere.

Well.

I’m still here. But at what cost? I’ve persevered, I had grit, I had a great many things. But the cost? It’s cost me a lot of my talents, a lot of time I could’ve spent crafting my talents, into myself. It’s cost me years of pain, anxiety, and sufferance. I am less human now than I ever was, as a byproduct of being the pawn everybody wanted to use. Someone told me once that I was less than dirt, and occasionally the memory surfaces and I wonder if it’s true. How could my existence be important? I will never make a difference on this planet because everyone I’ve been around has made sure I never wanted to try. The rejection and pain I’ve suffered, the simple desire to be cared for in the same way as others; it was just too much to ask.

I will never be normal. I will never be desirable. I will never meet expectations. I will forever be the failure, the let down, the disappointment, the disrespectful one. I am nothing good or positive. I take but never give. I will remain where I am, for the rest of my life. For even if I were to leave, I’ll still always be a disappointment in their eyes.

[green-eyednymph]

[green-eyednymph]

[green-eyednymph]

— Fyodor Dostoevsky; Letter to his brother 9th August 1838

[green-eyednymph]

Unconditional love isn't a free pass to hurt me.

[green-eyednymph]

M.S. (via coffee-crinkled-pages)