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Dear Diary ☹️🥵🥐🐦‍⬛😄🤣😅 Sorry I am Back

Honestly I am doing worse than I was the other day this is so not fun! But you know what is fun? Yelling into the void that is this space. Two whole people have potential to see it and if they don't it's just here. Earlier today I found out a girl who was one of my best friends for like 7, 8 years got an internship with Kate Spade. Congrats to her! She will be moving to New York and will be set for a long time. I have been trying to go out to lunch or drinks with her for almost a year mostly because the last time we chatted it was like the four years we weren't talking hadn't happened which was so nice for me and also I want to apologize but since she'll probably be moving right after she graduates next month I'm tempted to send a congrats text and say I'm sorry for all my drama freshman year of college and wish her well.

I really do hate to say it but watching other people do so much better than me makes me spiral. I feel awful for it. I should be so happy for everyone EXCEPT for Jojo Siwa. I will never celebrate her success. The issue is that I do feel happy for my peers (peers I like) when something goes well because really most people have earned it. I know a lot of really hardworking people who have gotten their shit together and everything that comes their way is well deserved. However I also think I have worked relatively hard so the fact that nothing has come my way is really really hard to face like every day when I wake up in my mom's house in a city that so few of my friends live in anymore and even if they do still live here they are all super occupied with their own thing.

And I know success is "measured by your happiness" or whatever bullshit they say but personally at the moment I am only comfortable, not necessarily happy, and also not successful in any way! I saw a tweet yesterday saying that jobs view bachelors degrees like they're a sam's club membership and while being very funny it's also true. Like I was so proud of myself for graduating college after some really tough years both academically and personally and it has been almost a year and I have done nothing. That degree means nothing. I am further and further away from everything I learned and it hasn't been applied (partially because I haven't created a sole proprietorship so I can write off the expensive programs but I keep forgetting to do that) (and I don't know the best way to reach the county clerk. UGH), and by the time I even manage to get a job that remotely relates to my degree I am afraid I'll know nothing.

Yeah anyways that's part of it, I also feel super isolated at the moment and part of it is my fault, I have not been very responsive to the one group chat that sends texts most days and I don't know why I think I'm just not feeling it. I have talked to like two people in like two sentence conversations, My only social interaction lately is when my mom gets home from work (today was quiet though she sounded annoyed when I told her I felt like a garbage person so for the rest of the night I was pretty tight-lipped) or when I go to my little retail job. Honestly talking to customers has been my only solace lately because I am talking to people and also putting on a performance and we don't know anything about each other's personal lives, I am just doing my job in a very easy customer-employee relationship. I enjoy quite a few of my coworkers, and when I feel like I need to not hate my life and move out of a quiet headspace there's usually someone to chat with.

So few of my coworkers know anything about my personal life so even then I put on a little performance. Do you know how much time it would take to put how I have been feeling into context? There's a lot. And a lot of characters. So like I am obviously not going to get into all of that in a conversation at work so I just stay quiet. It's hard.

The other frustrating thing is that every thing that's triggered me lately is 1. small potatoes and 2. normal and they are constantly occurring, so I don't know why all of a sudden I feel like I am fully incapable of doing anything and attaining any goals I have but I think it's hitting me harder and harder and so it's sent me over the edge. And I rescheduled therapy a couple weeks ago and I still have one more week. I like my therapist but some of her views I don't agree with so it's sometimes hard to like. Know that. But also we have come from very different backgrounds and I think sometimes she thinks that's not the case. Like she suggested once that I ask my mom to lend me some money for rent so I could move to Chicago and I was like oh girl that's not going to happen we ALL are broke. Not just me. All of us. Except my youngest brother who is frugal as hell. But also I feel like I sometimes just want to throw out all of my feelings and go from there but she sometimes will like stop me as I'm partially through something and focus on that and then I don't get other thoughts in and then it turns into focusing on this one thing but really the big picture is what should be focused on.

Maybe that doesn't make sense I am just questioning if I am like getting anything out of therapy especially now that my only stressors are life and my little existential crisis as a whole and I can't really make a timeline/plan anymore because the one I had has crumbled. So like all I need to do is vent about my problems. That is one reason I like this because at least people I know on a personal level have potential to see it. Also why I complain on my private stories. Rarely do conversations come out of it and sometimes I maybe need that, maybe not. But I HATE texting people and being like "I feel like shit this is why, text me back", I don't mind when others do it, I might not be much help but have at it. I just don't like doing it. I have felt like a burden for a lot of my life and doing that just solidifies it.

Also a lot of my friends are, again, super occupied with life, and sometimes I don't get responses to regular messages that are fun and lighthearted so I don't want to like pour my heart out and not get anything back for days. Another reason I feel like shit like I need to make myself busier like everyone I know. I texted a friend who is finishing up her last semester in New York because she was in a dream last night and I also wanted to let her know I hoped she was doing well, and she hasn't replied and I am not shocked but I do take things personally and we had gotten really close before she left for school so I need to remind myself we all change and even if she still cares about me she is busy and very far away.

This shit's hard. I have cried a lot today. I tried cleaning and didn't get very far and ended up falling asleep instead. I am so so grateful for my cat right now who is really annoying because he pees outside of the litter box, meaning he can't be trusted to roam in and out of my room but he also insists on coming in constantly just to get up and leave after ten minutes. But also I treasure this relationship and I love him so much and I love that he wants to spend time with me, especially because for a long time he was a little bitchy. Earlier I was laying on my side and I lifted up my comforter so he could lay down under there, and he climbed up on top of me and laid on my side. Just for like two minutes, but he has NEVER done that before. Oh my god it was so sweet.

I have a very bad headache so I am going to pop some Tylenol and eventually go to sleep. Like every other scenario I will get better. I don't know what's wrong and at the same time I know everything is wrong and it really sucks and I am so focused on my own feelings I don't even know what's happening in the rest of the world and it's also entirely possible I am being blind to other people and how they're feeling. My life could be so much worse and I am so grateful for everything I have. I just can't help but want more.

anyways. goodbye.

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Dear Diary 😭🤭😄👀🌯☹️🐻🐍☝🏻😳: Nevermind

I was going to write a whole thing because I have not been in a good mood all day, I am feeling a LOT of resentment right now, towards myself, towards my department chair from school (fuck you I hate you and there is a special place in hell for you), for life in general. I know my life is the way it is because of decisions I have made which makes it an especially hard pill to swallow when I'm unhappy because I feel like I have gone out of my way to do so many things correctly. And here I am incredibly unhappy with so many things.

Like my former department chair being in Milan for design week with students who have now had two years in a row to design for a competition that gives them the opportunity to present in design week while my class didn't have anything like that is VERY upsetting and her blatant favoritism has always made me upset but I realized today that I genuinely do not like that woman. As someone who has a lot of empathy for people and tries to constantly look from a different perspective when I don't vibe with someone, I cannot do that with her. I've had a couple moments of empathy for her but really I do not like or respect her and that's how you know you fucked up with Grace!

That's all I'll say that's been on my mind all day and I'm really bitter and angry and it's not a good look for me and I don't know that therapy will help me next week or in 2 weeks whenever it is but damn. I am lowkey miserable today. I think I need to meditate and maybe do a gratitude journal. Or go back to my guided journal that's like one thing that made me happy during the day and one thing that made me upset but like. It's buried in a pile in my mess of a room.

This is much longer than I anticipated I just needed to get it out that I was upset and honestly when I told my mom how I was feeling she wasn't a great help she just asked when I had therapy next and that' okay I just. I don't know what I need I feel helpless okay BYE.

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Dear Diary 🤪✨🤭🙈🙄🐐🤩🫠😍: "Feeling Bummed Out"

This is my FAVORITE void to yell into as of late. I wish I knew how many people saw it because it would make it even funnier. Anyways my depression is starting to run rampant again and I think the worst part of it all is that I upped my dosage of my Effexor during a really tough semester at school because I was NOT doing well. I have never had real suicidal thoughts but I was coming close. So once I graduated and was going to work consistently and had fun plans on the horizon my therapist and I were talking about lowering the dose again...no thank you. I think that could be detrimental right now. I think seasonal depression has been going for too long and also I am just not doing well. So like that discussion will not be coming up any time soon. I don't know if I need to up it again but like I'll just play it day by day.

My most recent paycheck was $70 because I worked two days in two weeks and that was ass, and I since coming back on Tuesday from a trip I worked today, and I work Saturday-Monday. But they added to my schedule again and I have a super large gap in work days aka I am going to beg to pick up some hours which is so annoying because like...I need money. I went to Chicago to celebrate my birthday early and spent way too much money. Like all my credit cards maxed, as I was actively getting notifications from TJ Maxx that I had to pay a bill I had like $2 in my checking account, I had to draw from my savings to pay for something else. Like humbling weekend.

I was also in Chicago when I wrote my last post which happened while wandering through Lincoln Square on my way to an apothecary in Wicker Park. And it's all so cute. And I thought about my cousin who is a decade older than me and probably around this time ten years ago was living in that area and thriving. And like walking through there I wanted to cry because I was like oh my god you dummy you can't do this! I have told so many people now that I was hoping to be living in Chicago by July and like that is literally impossible. For so many reasons.

First of all my friend from home who's lived in Chicago since high school graduation was the whole reason for this, her lease is up in July and doesn't love her current roommate and was like yo we could live together. Now she's looking for studios, which I get she has lived with people for the past 5 years and I think she deserves a space to herself, that was just kind of my motivator/timeline I was following. Even as I was looking for studios for myself I was like holy shit I could not afford to rent a uhaul let alone pay any amount of rent. Like city living is so expensive. And I was talking to an old friend from high school one night and she had like given me some advice a few weeks ago about moving and offered job ideas and she was like "with inflation and everything I would not be able to afford to move here now like I got so lucky moving here when I did". So now I'm like fuck I missed my prime window of opportunity. SO not cool!

On top of that I have literally made no headway with jobs so even if I couch surfed while working and saving up for a place of my own I haven't even had the chance to think about it. I have already said so much about jobs I will save that for a future post but Jesus Christ this market is brutal. I did decide that I will probably have to find a place that's like a sublease in an all girl's apartment on Facebook marketplace and hope it's a sublet-to-rental situation and like yeah it would probably be fine and there are so many options so I am sure down the line I would find a good fit for me however the idea of new roommates after having wacky ass roommate situations in the past sounds horrendous. Like I have had mostly random roommates and only two different groups of roommates but it was some of the worst situations EVER. The benefit is that these places have their own rooms (not the deal in college), and usually everyone is working or in school and I have other people to spend time with outside of a living space, but UGH if I ended up with someone annoying or messy or mean like I would hate everything! And I think it would be a lot harder moving out of a place in Chicago than it is in a place like Detroit that has like driveways and space on the streets in some areas.

Anyways I got my hopes up too much, I saw how well this transition has worked out for other people and thought yeah surely it would be the same for me. And that's unfortunate because I get bitter about things like that and I do not like being bitter about my friends and their successes. I think it just makes me think lesser of myself for being in a very different place in life. I felt lesser of myself for my friends nursing me back to health when I had my first hangover after a night of celebrating my 23rd birthday. I was really proud of never getting sick and then I was like wow I'm so old to be throwing up from alcohol for the first time.

I just wish I could expedite this process, I wish I wasn't a wimp, I wish I didn't get jealous of people doing better than me, and I wish I had loads of money now that I understand budgeting better. I have also been dealing with a cough for 24 hours and when I went back to work today I found out everyone and their mother is sick...so that's awesome.

This is my long winded way of saying the events of traveling somewhere I have wanted to live since 9th grade rekindled a feeling of failure within me and also I am deep in a depressive episode at the moment. I told my close friends story I might not post there too which is how you know it's for real.

I will get better, I'm debating cancelling therapy next week because really I know what my issues are and I don't feel like talking about it with someone who wants to help I kind of just like talking about it and leaving it for awhile. This is just my fun little dark pit and I will pull myself out eventually. Toodles until my next complaint!

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Dear Diary 🤷🏻‍♀️🤭🫢🥲😂🥟: fucking idiot

I love how high I get my hopes up and then they like get squashed as I become aware of things like you dummy!!! More to come when I return to my computer, for now I cosplay as local while on a trip and imagine what could be if I had done things differently five years ago

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me in five years when i still don’t have my life together:

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Dear Diary 😭🤪🤡🦧✨🎉🙈🤭: Still Feeling Behind

This is nothing new I am literally just sick of feeling like I need to wait for someone to ask me how I am and I have to remind myself to say whatever I want here!!

I went to a visitation today for my cousin's grandma (her dad married into my family, his mom, capishe), and I forget how many cousins she has on that side of the family. It's honestly not a whole lot more than on our side, but quite a few, and I just feel like they're all so successful! Granted they're older than me! But god! Her oldest cousin and his wife moved to Chicago a couple years ago and then slowly it seems like a lot more of the cousins followed suit so like I am frequently seeing these people who have jobs and enough money to live in Chicago having a grand old time in the city I have wanted to move to for like 10 years now. I am happy for them! Don't get me wrong! My toxic trait just happens to be envy so I can't help but be a little jealous of them.

Also a majority of this wouldn't be a problem if I hadn't been fucking stupid with money. I know like I am young and I think as far as circumstances go that was like the best period for me to blow that money...however it went way quicker than it should have. I got a life-changing amount of money for a 21 year old from my grandma's inheritance and the sale of her house (It was split between her next of kin, so my aunt and uncle and then me and my brothers, which thank god because we were probably a little more responsible with the money than my dad would have been). That money would be life-changing NOW as I am trying to move on and get started with my adulthood. So that was stupid. I have so many regrets and now I am trying to make money with my stupid retail job that barely schedules me because I do have not great availability because part of my week is spent at a jewelry shop where I am doing cool things but I am making no money because nothing I have made has sold, so it's kind of a horrible cycle in that area. I would love to do more shipt orders but it can be hard to schedule yourself when people are actually placing orders. And then of course I would love to make some sort of passive income from art or design but like. Yeah right.

ALL OF THIS TO SAY: I am okay, I have a fun weekend ahead of me except it is to celebrate my birthday which is already existential but I will be surrounded by people who seem to have their shit a little more together so like I will be the only one there living full time in her home town at her mom's house with a very part time job and seemingly no prospects. Now I am a little worried about seeing everyone. It'll be fine!

I have been looking at some apartments just to get a feel and I think this is going to be really hard and I don't have any jobs lined up so I think there's a lot of uncertainty eating me up and also the way the country falls more into shambles everyday is absolutely fucking exhausting. I don't know it's hard and this is all stuff I want to bring up in therapy but I also know how to fix these problems and it's literally just like talking about them and acknowledging them and understanding I am continuing to move forward so like even therapy is feeling low-key pointless to me. That's a problem for another day.

I hope everyone enjoyed national napping day, I am going to take a very long nap (it's time for bed).

Toodles!

[gracelbranch-blog]

Dear Diary😭🤪✨🤡🦧🤩💀🙄🐐🎉: Saved the Tears for My Pillow

I started sobbing in bed and I feel the need to just jot everything down. First of all I wish my mind didn’t race with so many different thoughts and feelings constantly it’s really annoying. I don’t even know why I’m crying like I do but I don’t and it’s hard to explain and I also feel like I’m beating a dead horse every time I figure out what I am saying so in return anyone I talk to is beating a dead horse...so this situation where I can talk and talk with no response is kind of nice at times. I just want to say things. And clearly I want to say nothing at all simultaneously!

I feel so guilty because things could be soooo so much worse for me. In so many ways. I have counted my blessings since I was a kid and have felt guilt for not being thrilled with life at all times since I was a kid as well and that sucks and I guess that's just life as someone with a lot of empathy and also sadness in her heart. I constantly think about people in worse situations than me and even people I know who are in just...different situations than me. Like I am so very fortunate and I am so grateful for it but also I am a heavy complainer about things that feel in my control even though I don't put any effort into controlling them?

I'm rambling, I don't know what's wrong! I am not doing amazing mentally lol and every time I think I kind of am or I tell someone like yeah I'm doing okay (usually teetering on a lie) shit hits the fan and something makes me absolutely despise myself and whatever it is happening in my life at the current moment.

I think in general I am at a weird stage in life and it feels like a competition to me even though it's not and nobody else feels that way. I feel like I am behind and yet I feel like I'm not ready for so much. I feel so isolated despite people being in my life one way or another, which then makes me feel guilty for feeling isolation. I feel like I am actually a really awful person even though there are way worse people out there but really I could be better in so many ways. I feel like I am going absolutely nowhere and not making any progress in life because I keep starting to climb whatever hill it is I am working on and then I like. Tumble back down. This is fucking hard!!! Everything!!! Jesus!

I don't work tomorrow (I am getting scheduled so little it's kind of catastrophic for my bank account and credit card statements), I get to sleep in, and I need that. I need a mental morning. I think I also maybe need a hug? I don't know this is weird. I am going to try to read and ignore the milk carton that tumbled out of our recycling and into the street in front of our house that I want to save for the sake of not littering but I don't want to go out in the cold at 11pm.

Here's to hoping things turn around! What the hell!

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Soir Bleu, Edward Hopper, 1914

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Dear Diary: Quick Job Complaint!

I know looking for jobs is a brutal cycle for everyone right now and literally so many people have had bad luck which makes me feel better because like. Same. However seeing some people succeed so quickly, while awesome for them, makes me feel like SHIT (working on coming to terms with everyone having different opportunities than me).

I think I was fucked over from the get-go and it honestly started with me not living in the Detroit Metro Area full time, which is where I went to school. I didn't have apartment money, and even if I did (like when my unemployment finally came through or my grandma's inheritance came through), I was not going to commit to a year-long lease when I didn't know if I would end up elsewhere for a couple months or what have you. And yes also I'm a wimp and quite frankly the thought of figuring out a place to live for myself was a lot for me to handle when I knew I had my mom's house to live in for free for as long as I needed if I was working or in school.

So even if I got an interview or was reached out to by a company, I always fell short and 50% of the time it was because I wasn't "local". I remember so specifically I told this one place I could come down for an interview but I needed a specific day because I had an appointment one day and I would have to drive an house and a half and they were like ooh no can do. I never said no to commuting or finding a place to live. I could have found an apartment or lived with a family member in the area, no problem. But I wasn't going to commit unless I had a job and I don't know why they didn't accept that? That was fucking stupid. Thus begins that cycle. Which bled into the bigger issue that I still have currently which is...not enough experience.

Because my entire four years in college consisted of retail work or no work, I am now being pit against other people who have experience in the field and that is TOUGH. I had three interviews with a studio I really vibed with, I drove 3 hours away in the middle of the week to see them, they told me about their HEALTH INSURANCE, it was for an intern position and one of the owners literally called it bitch work, which was fine by me because HEY it's an introduction to the field I have been studying to go into. Like a week after all this I get the rejection email because they wanted someone with more experience. Okay...for bitch work around an office...whatever. That pissed me off so bad I honestly could get real fired up thinking about it and also they have a kid with a really stupid name.

But it just goes to show that even entry level jobs are hard to get because they still want experience. I am past some of the intern phases because they all want students who have an anticipated graduation date. They don't want some washed up grad who's been working retail since leaving school and maybe forgot a lot of what she knew? But like over and over again it's been me applying and feeling embarrassed and annoyed that I don't have real world experience (not even freelance), and then like I'm not local to where I want to be in the future and maybe they have beef with that.

I think I'm honestly mega upset with myself for setting myself up for failure like sophomore year of college. Even though our faculty didn't give my class as much support as we should have had, like I feel like I didn't work hard enough. And now I'm fucked. Laugh out loud.

Okay that's all this was supposed to be quick but I am annoyed and now the job search continues!

[gracelbranch-blog]

Dear Diary 🤪🙈🐐🙃😍🤩: I Miss My Old Friends

Like anything I spend a long period of time typing about to avoid repeating the same dialogue in my head over and over again just to myself for no reason, this is HEAVY on my mind and honestly has been for awhile. It comes and goes but like for years this has been a relevant topic. I'm not talking friends from middle school/high school who I still talk to or have a social media acquanitance-ship with. No. I am talking pre cell phone, pre social media era. There are so many people I had relationships with that are gone forever. Laugh out loud. There are two whole people I can think of from this period of life who I have on social media, and one of them I was really close with when we made our instagrams and could keep in touch, but the other was totally out of left field and I was honestly...so excited when she followed me because it was like wow you still remember me!

For some context, 1. I didn't get a phone until I was in 7th grade! Zoinks! For about a year before I had my mom's old smart phone and then my dad's for "games" but obviously I also started my social media grind there. Okay so I was 12 when I got a phone. 2. I spent a lot of my life at a...daycare. Let's not get it twisted there was a chunk of time when there were several kids my age and within like a two years under me that I hung out with. I was not self-sufficient, and while my working parents sent my less-self-sufficient brothers there it was probably easiest to throw me in too. We spent a lot of time reading, we were fed two meals, and as I got older I got to hang out with the millennial staff like a ✨cool kid✨. By the time I finally did stay home and my brothers still went to this place I will admit it was amazing and I wished I had tasted this freedom sooner. But I had no way to communicate with my friends from school and I had a solid collective of friends at this place so also who cares?

It has been a long time since I was in this place, obviously, I do check in online to see how it's changed but obviously a lot of the people there, both staff and peers, have since left. But a lot of my childhood was spent there, so naturally there's some attachment there. For the record, I am so glad I was there growing up. First of all I was weirdly scared of my grandma and I was so anxious with anyone other than my parents, but being that I started going to this daycare when I was like 6 weeks old and I grew up seeing this staff everyday it makes sense that I enjoyed the space. Aside from liking the staff and how well myself and my brothers were treated, I was so social! I thank whatever being there is almost everyday for having grown up going to a place everyday with other kids my age. It was so fun. This place also had a preschool in it and oh my god most of my class was girls and we had so much fun. Our teachers hosted slumber parties for us, we all got really close, they were at my fifth birthday party at chuck e cheese. Like I had a community at a very young age and I think that's awesome.

As we all went to elementary school, fewer kids were coming back on snow days, days off, spring break, summer break, etc, but there were some that continued coming in and younger people who started coming too. My brothers and I are each 2 years apart so being in the same age group helped, I got along well with their peers. I am getting side-tracked! The girl I mentioned first is Emily, she was in my middle brother's preschool class. I remember we got along well when we were younger but like we were 4 and 6 in the same room I think that was easy. When she was like 8 her younger sister was born and eventually they needed a place to send her, and I remember coming in one day over spring break and hearing whisperings that Emily was coming back. And I was like omg I remember her. And we hit it off! And still stay in contact, we are very different people now but early middle school was so fun for me because she liked American Girl dolls (SLAY I was obviously making stop-motion videos in middles school, sue me? I like little things?), she danced, and we got along really well. The second person I have on social media is Kennedy, she was in the same pre-school class as my youngest bother. She also danced, and honestly she was just really sweet. And we all got along. She graduated last year and is living her life and it's crazy to see since it's been so long since I've SEEN her, and she changed so much in that time (as people do).

Onto the person who prompted this whole thing: Alyse. Alyse left Michigan when I was in fourth grade; I made my mom take me to daycare after she picked me up from a couple-night sleep away wilderness field trip so I could say goodbye to Alyse the day before her family moved to Pennsylvania or something crazy. I think she's three years younger than me? She also had an American Girl doll, she was really good at gymnastics, I remember going to a birthday party at her gym and they had hungry howies and I was definitely the least athletic person there. And possibly the oldest kid. I have occasionally looked at what Alyse is up to, but it has been a few years. I found her instagram again today and she is a collegiate gymnast in Iowa, Jordyn Weiber, the Olympic gymnast from Michigan that got me obsessed with olympic gymnastics in 5th grade, follows her (wow), and her brother is a competitive wrestler and like really good apparently? Like represents the country it looks like? SO ANYWAYS I am happy for her, she seems to be doing well. I did wonder how weird it would be to reach out to her and be like "Hey you probably don't remember me, I am not trying to be creepy, I was that ugly brunette girl you saw like everyday for a few years of your life, I see you're doing well and I just want to say I love that for you". Just because I do wonder if she remembers me. Maybe not. I don't know.

Another person I check up on occasionally is Jose. Jose was actually in MY preschool class, and when we were 8 or 9 he started coming back for the summer and all the adults secretly wanted us to get married. But we had a good friendship! Jose's parents worked at the same college my mom works at so they would occasionally see each other, we saw them at the welcome back picnic in 2019? I think? They came to my dad's funeral (very sweet), so like they had been out and about but not as much with Jose. Last I saw he played football for his high school but that was...5 years ago. I have no idea what he's up to now but I hope he and his family are all good.

There are so many more. I found Cienna on instagram, I didn't love her, she was annoying. Also I was a bully. I was not a nice kid to others and I have so many regrets. Kamryn was a pageant girl and was on the little kid master chef show Gordon Ramsay did? I haven't looked at what she's up to in a while but I know she's in college now. probably really pretty and skinny still. I can't remember Megan's last name but she was a little dramatic; tiny blonde girl who was also in my youngest brother's pre-school class. Addison was younger than all of us but wild, I see her mom on occasion and also found through Facebook that she's the aunt of someone I was friends with in high school. Kendall moved across the state but her mom was so classy in the same way the mom in gossip girl was. yeah I don't know it's wild how close you can be with some people and then you just never see them again.

I am very grateful for social media because I can see a lot of these people from afar. I wish I knew what they were up to and that I forced my mom to befriend all of their parents on Facebook but like realistically what would be the point of all that. Getting old sucks! I miss my childhood!

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Dear Diary 🤪🤡🤭🦧🙈: Thoughts on Grief

Six years ago today, my dad suddenly (and quite frankly, very dramatically) passed away, leaving my mom, my brothers, and me with life-long trauma and depression. And a collection of random shit including wood-working magazines, typewriters, and miscellaneous eBay finds. I have obviously worked through this and moved through the stages of grief, but of course when February 9th rolls around each year I remember that it's not only my poor cousin's birthday, but also another anniversary of the worst thing I have experienced. And every year I want to share my thoughts and my feelings and I feel like a burden for it, partially because even though I had an amazing support system when I was going through this, I felt awkward talking about it with anyone. I don't always know how to handle the sadness and confusing feelings of others and I feel like everyone else is the same and I never wanted to put them in that position. I don't think I ever told anyone, not even a therapist, what I saw and experienced first hand; maybe pieces of it initially when questions were asked, but like I wasn't going to bring up the 911 call I still like hear in my head at lunch in high school. Like I don't need to do that. It also feels exploitative in a way, like I don't NEED to hash out all those details. Sometimes I wonder if my grieving process would have been different if I did but really I think I did enough to those around me.

Also it's so hard to discuss stuff like this directly with people, in conversation, when nobody else has had this type of experience. Even if I know someone else who has lost their dad, like every other part of it could be different. My dad died of a heart attack presumably which is the most un-original way to go, but like, even so the personal experience of everyone who lost someone is different. Hopefully that makes sense. I found some closure/healing this past summer when one of my friends lost their dad. I had only found out like two months before that he was SICK sick, and I was waiting until I saw this friend who goes to school in another state to like let her know I had been thinking about her family, etc. It felt like a weird thing to text out of the blue when most conversations were had in person or in a groupchat with others since she had moved away and we saw each other less frequently. But I got a text one day very early in the morning and missed it so she called me when I got out of work and told me her dad passed away the day before, and it was jarring to say the least. Despite my assumption that something wasn't great (she did say it was okay if I didn't want to talk because it was heavy, and quite frankly I never want anyone to feel that way because I know what that's like), I didn't think it was THAT bad. I remember my heart dropping to my stomach in the car and I didn't really know what to say other than asking if I could come over, because I just wanted to give her a hug.

I went over and sat with her and cried with her (I cried A LOT that day and the following days), I let her just say what she needed to say and she asked me if things ever felt normal again and I gave my honest opinion on how it all felt 5 years later. And as absolutely horrible as it felt being there, it was healing for me to finally talk to someone about it in a non-therapy setting, and like even today I think to myself that like I feel good about the fact that she called me and just HOPE that I helped. Granted I am probably the only person she knows well who had gone through that, but still like, I am glad she had someone to reach out to. And like if nothing else I am living and breathing evidence that you can continue to live your life after something so so shitty.

This feels like a long tangent, apologies, I get sidetracked easily and also because I don't ever talk at people I feel like there's so much ground to cover. The moral of the story is that in the past year I think I have let myself feel a lot more than I have since possibly six years ago, and while I was grieving with my friend for everything she lost, I also allowed myself to grieve more. Maybe because I knew we'd be going through it together. One of the first things I thought about before there had even been official confirmation but it was pretty certain things were not going to go well, was how much I wouldn't have my dad present for. This friend was actually the second person in my car at graduation, which was held in the parking lot of our school with a limit of two other in our vehicles with us because of covid. At that point we had gotten close and she wanted to come and I had two brothers (who realistically didn't care) and one friend...so obviously it was easier to just give her the spot. In the past six years I have graduated high school, graduated college, started working (even lame jobs count. He had helped me apply to other seasonal jobs and never got to see that pan out), I got my drivers license (we lost one of our chauffeurs LOL), and on top of that, he's missed his nieces and nephews getting married, starting to have kids, etc. There's a lot. I feel like it might be hard to think about the passage of time and how much happens for some people (maybe not, I am especially existential so I do it all the time), but it gets worse after a loss because of how much happens in a span of time afterwards that they're not there for. If that makes sense.

Maybe none of this makes sense! This is literally word vomit. I have had so many thoughts constantly racing through my head since this happened. I still have a whole future ahead of me and the nagging thought of not having a dad still sits with me whenever I think about it. If I move in the future I won't have him to help (he'd be old so whatever help he could offer), there is so much music and so many concerts he would have enjoyed, my youngest brother is graduating high school this year, and god how I wish I could have his knowledge during this presidency. That man hated Trump and could have put some logical shit on Facebook to make my brain-washed aunt think for two seconds. I have so many emotions and while I am doing well overall, this time of year sucks and I can't help but think of what I went through and what those close to us went through at this time. I felt sick that whole week and could not go to bed without seeing an image that still haunts me and I would wake up sobbing. I still even think about the police officer who came in and seemed to make a comment about our house. My aunt heard him say something along the lines of "This is a house?" and it seemed to have a negative tone, as if the fact that it's constantly getting fixed up because it's over a hundred years old made it...not a house? I don't know. I overheard that and was angry on top of the fact that they were asking us questions and telling us there would be an autopsy and preparing to remove my dad from our house.

I went to work today, I was tired but fine and I interacted with others. I wore a sweater I had never seen my dad wear but it had been gifted to him, it's sooooo 80s it's ridiculous. And I finished this up, so I could get some thoughts out and cope. I am accustomed to what became my new normal, and I am so grateful for the people in my life who helped me then and help me now; I feel fulfilled and happy and that's one of the best things ever. I miss my father so much, but he's apart of me still (I have horrible napping habits like him) and I am so grateful for that. If you read this far, sorry, but also NOT sorry! It was optional. But I am happy to have a place to project.

Adios bitches! Tomorrow is a new day 🎉

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shoutout to my homies who are deeply bizarre and have something wrong with them

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Holding myself accountable by posting on here

This is just my reminder to myself that the food waste has got to be minimized! Do not buy the ice cream if you're just going to let it get freezer burn and then dislike the texture when you finally get to it! That is food waste AND money waste! You stupid fucking idiot! Also it gives you a tummy ache!

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Dear Diary🤡🤭🤪😍

I don't even know how to begin to write a blog post, bear with me! I need an outlet! I can't burden my friends with this! For the past few months I have been feeling so indecisive about the decisions I make and even the decisions I want to make; mostly regarding moving. I so badly need to move out of my house. I love my family, I love my three cats, however I feel so behind and like I am exactly where I didn't want to be by still living in my childhood home. A majority of the people I know do NOT live with their parents, and I need to be freed from the shackles of living under someone else's roof. However. Not paying rent is so nice. That is a blessing. Although I need to get out into the real world. But I also keep thinking about whether or not I will actually be happy if I move to where I want to go, which is like a whole other state. And that's a lot. Going to school in Detroit which is only an hour and a half drive was a pain in the ass because I didn't love it until things started reopening after covid and I had money to do things and I was 21 and had friends, but if I didn't have people to hang out with it was boring for me. I spent a lot of weekends coming home to either see my friends or my cats or attend some sort of gathering. I know Chicago is somewhere I love, I have friends there, I have a potential roommate situation, and as far as the job market it is so much more vast there than a little city with vacant shopping centers. And there is so much more to do there, so many third spaces to hang out, which I sometimes crave. I cannot walk around Meijer for an hour like I used to and Target is not in anyone's good graces at the moment. So I know I would love Chicago and also I think in order to have any sort of progression in my life I need to leave. Men are slim pickings around here, covid and a lack of friends in one place gave me a not great finish of my late teens and start of my early twenties, and a career is so much easier to start there than here. And I would much rather do it now when I know there are friends there and more opportunities fresh-ish out of college, and while I am still young and willing! But I also have fomo when it comes to life here. Like my best friend of fifteen years and her entire family who I have grown up with are still here and I have been included in celebrations for a long time...I would feel guilty leaving them and missing out on fun things. One of her sisters just moved out on her own after leaving a garbage relationship and was like "So you'll come over and watch movies right?" and obviously I said yes, these sisters are like my sisters too. But I don't know how long I'll be around to do that. There are little things that have become tradition in my household, like the annual snow sculpting festival 20 minutes away, or the lawn chair film festival Sunday nights in the summer time, or the Fourth of July fireworks we can watch from our driveway with aunts and uncles and cousins. And all the random family gatherings! I am so fortunate to have family I love, including a cousin who has a pregnant wife, and I know I would miss out on seeing this kid grow up with the rest of my family.

So like that's a lot of it I keep thinking about how I need this change and also everything holding my back from pursuing it. And that's besides the fact that I have $200 in my savings account currently and no job prospects despite applying to so so many it's insane. The cycle of being "not local" during the summer time in school and the lack of experience is not doing me any favors now which sucks. I started using my friend's Chicagoland address just for a little more security maybe. Like yes I am local! Aka I have a couch to crash on. Anyways. If you read this far thank you and also sorry. I need to not apologize but I am sure this is a pain in the ass to read and therapy hasn't been as productive post-election as I maybe would like it to be? I love my therapist but she suggested I talk to my mom about lending me money for rent as if my mom didn't help pay for four years of art school and isn't almost as broke as me. I will not be putting that on her at all.

I'll be back! This was nice for me. I am getting so old and confused.

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girls weekend 💋🩷✨

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Becoming everyone’s worst enemy by making this my personal diary but also…sometimes I have a lot to say and want to put it out there (I hate directly burdening people with my problems!)

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CHAPPELL ROAN attends the 2025 GRAMMYS