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[goyehuda5]

A View into the

Depression Side of a Bipolar Episode

I am lying on my bed in the darkness of the lonely Ruthensteiner hostel on Robert Hamerling street, Vienna, crying. All the energy, enthusiasm and elation I felt over the previous weeks comes crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. I can’t take it anymore. You would think that a flight home scheduled for three days later would comfort me, right? Wrong! It feels like a million light years away. I can’t take the loneliness anymore. The past two hours I am on and off the phone with my therapist, and taking strong sedatives.  She determines the situation has reached emergency proportions and that I have to fly home as soon as possible.

My parents book me the next possible flight home at 6 a.m. the following day. I make my way to the airport. As I am checking in the man at the desk hands me my ticket and says, “Here is your ticket Sir, you are on standby.” WHAT?!  We didn’t know this was a standby ticket when we purchased it. Long story short…there is no room on the flight. I am devastated not knowing when the next flight home will be. The woman at the gate approaches me and tells me that there are flights every few hours and sends me to the airline’s main desk. When I get there I am told that the next flight home is in 24 hours and that the airline will put me up in a nearby hotel for the night. This is terrible news. I go to a corner in the airport and with my back against the wall slide down to the floor.  I feel utterly hopeless.

In the end I book a flight home with a different airline. It leaves in two hours with an 8 hour layover in Istanbul. At least I’m on my way.

Now anybody who has waited in the airport for a couple of hours knows that feeling of time not passing and it feeling like it will take forever, right? Now try feeling that way while suffering from major depression with anxiety and paranoia.  

I arrive back in Israel the following day. The next three weeks are a blur. Looking back, I don’t remember much except for pain. Each one of my limbs feels like it weighs a ton. I lose the will to live. Imagine this, take all your happy memories from the last year and erase them as if they never were. Then do the same for the rest of your happy thoughts since the day you were born. NOW you might be able to begin to see the tip of the iceberg of what depression feels like. (I might dive deeper into this part of the story in a future blog).

After three weeks of terrible depression, I feel a small spark. THIS is when it all changes and I swing to the opposite pole. How does it feel to have a manic episode?

In my next blog, I will give you a small insight into the world of mania.

Hope this is reaching people out there.

Stay safe,

Yehuda

[goyehuda5]

10 things NOT to say to a depressed friend/ person

1.       “just snap out of it”- saying snap out of it is, insinuating that we chose to be like this. Which is complete nonsense.

2.       Are you taking your meds/did you go off your meds?

3.       “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” the only time you might be able to mention suicide is if you are TRULY worried about them harming themselves. And its coming from a place of genuine concern.

4.       “But you act so normal”- it might appear like we are functioning however when we are severely depressed we are usually home in bed not out with friends or at work.

5.       “everyone gets depressed sometimes/ stay positive” depressed has turned into slang for someone who is just acting in a way that people can’t understand. mood swings are normal, sure, but having diagnosed depression with mental illness is a whole different ball game.  

6.       “happiness is just a choice”- it isn’t that simple. you don’t tell someone in a wheelchair that being in that chair is just a choice. Could you imagine how that would make them feel?”

7.       how could you be depressed? You have it so good/ be thankful for what you have”- I mean who would have thought that robin Williams would have gone out the way he did right?

8.       “I read this book that says that doing xyz will cure depression”

9.       “its all in your head”

10.   “go do something and you will feel better”

[goyehuda5]

Hospital bound?

Good afternoon from beautiful Prague.

It's been just over 6 months since my last stint in the psychiatric ward of the Jerusalem hospital. 6 months since I last seriously thought of self harming and even longer since ive actually hurt myself.

That's what was going through my head while I was holding a kitchen knife in my left hand staring down at my scarred right arm that is still not fully healed yet, containing over 20 knife wounds, some deeper than others.

"I dont belong there I dont belong there I dont belong there" i kept mumbling to myself. Referring to the psychiatric ward in the hospital. I couldn't tell you if I was standing in that kitchen for 1 minute or 1 hour. Time means nothing in these kinds of moments. If you suffer from a mental illness, or even if you don't than you may be able to understand the feeling I'm talking about.

Next thing I know, the grip on the knife weakened, it dropped to the ground.

something. I dont know what, stopped me from hurting myself in that kitchen on the morning of September 26th in that Air B&B in prague some 3,700 KM away from home. away from my family, and away from my medical professionals.

What stopped me from hurting myself you ask?

I've been working so hard on myself for the past half a year since my last hospitalization. Including seeing a social worker at least once a week through doing over a 30 hour course on DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy), which is a course that teaches you how to regulate your emotions. And how to be mindful about your feelings and surroundings. And I also see a psychiatrist once every couple of weeks.

Am I cured? Will I from here on out always have a smile on my face and be in the mood to socialize? Most likely not! BUT am I destined to end up in the paychiatric hospital again? ABSOLUTELY NOT! That is NOT where I belong.

It is absolutely impossible to describe what depression feels like. The best way i can explain it is through a quote that I read a while back that goes like this.

"Depression is like drowning, except you can see everyone around you breathing”.

If you suffer from depression please seek help. There is nothing to be ashamed of. If you want to talk to me and share anything you might have on your heart, I am always more than happy to lend an ear and do my best to help out others.

Feel free to message me through Facebook, and I will do my best to answer ASAP.

sending love out to all of you and have a great rest of your day!

Yehuda Levi

[goyehuda5]

The begining of something good

It’s been about 3 months since my last blog post, wow how time flies. So what’s new with me? Let’s see…

“You can reduce your dosage by half,” the psychiatrist said to me.

I’m not taking 40 mg of Entumin anymore, was the first thought that popped into my head. Entumin for those people who don’t know is a very strong drug and is essentially a tranquilizer containing the active ingredient Clotiapine, which is an antipsychotic medication.  It is used for people when they have severe restlessness, anxiety attacks and insomnia.

The first time I took it was during my first hospitalization in the winter of 2015. I have such vivid memories of that day, at least the first half of it anyway, until I took Entumin for the first time.

The nurse gave me two pills totalling 80 mg and that’s all I remember from that cold rainy winter day. The following day my mom came to visit me and told me that she had come yesterday too, but this medicine was so strong I had no recollection whatsoever of her visit. If you would have told me then that I would be taking 40, yes you heard me, FORTY mg of Entumin every single night before I go to sleep for over two years, I would not have believed it. I would have told you that you were out of your mind.

One of, if not the biggest side effect of this drug, is increased appetite. This drug made me hungrier than I have ever been before in my entire life. It is impossible to describe, just terrible, you never feel fully satisfied and even if you eat a ton of food, an hour later you feel as if you haven’t eaten in days. I gained 122 pounds or 55 kilos since then till today. I still wake up every night at around 3-4 am to eat a bowl of cereal; this drug makes one so hungry that one is not able to sleep through the night. Ironically, with the tranquilizer, it has been two years and four months since I’ve had a good night of sleep. But hey, who’s counting, right?

A few days ago, I went to see my psychiatrist for a routine monthly visit and that visit came with some good news. After nearly two and a half years of being on 8 different medications simultaneously, the time has finally come. I have been stable for several months and can finally take not a step but a leap forward and start reducing my medication doses. And the first medication to go, yes you guessed, is the Entumin. It has only been a few nights since I cut back to 20 mg from 40 mg, but I am already having better nights’ sleep.

I do still wake up every night to eat and that is a bad habit I will need to somehow break, but until then, c’est la vie.

[goyehuda5]

The past 3 months outside the hospital walls.

It’s been about 3 months since my last blog post, wow how time flies. So what’s new with me? Let’s see…

“You can reduce your dosage by half,” the psychiatrist said to me.

I’m not taking 40 mg of Entumin anymore, was the first thought that popped into my head. Entumin for those people who don’t know is a very strong drug and is essentially a tranquilizer containing the active ingredient Clotiapine, which is an antipsychotic medication.  It is used for people when they have severe restlessness, anxiety attacks and insomnia.

The first time I took it was during my first hospitalization in the winter of 2015. I have such vivid memories of that day, at least the first half of it anyway, until I took Entumin for the first time.

The nurse gave me two pills totalling 80 mg and that’s all I remember from that cold rainy winter day. The following day my mom came to visit me and told me that she had come yesterday too, but this medicine was so strong I had no recollection whatsoever of her visit. If you would have told me then that I would be taking 40, yes you heard me, FORTY mg of Entumin every single night before I go to sleep for over two years, I would not have believed it. I would have told you that you were out of your mind.

One of, if not the biggest side effect of this drug, is increased appetite. This drug made me hungrier than I have ever been before in my entire life. It is impossible to describe, just terrible, you never feel fully satisfied and even if you eat a ton of food, an hour later you feel as if you haven’t eaten in days. I gained 122 pounds or 55 kilos since then till today. I still wake up every night at around 3-4 am to eat a bowl of cereal; this drug makes one so hungry that one is not able to sleep through the night. Ironically, with the tranquilizer, it has been two years and four months since I’ve had a good night of sleep. But hey, who’s counting, right?

A few days ago, I went to see my psychiatrist for a routine monthly visit and that visit came with some good news. After nearly two and a half years of being on 8 different medications simultaneously, the time has finally come. I have been stable for several months and can finally take not a step but a leap forward and start reducing my medication doses. And the first medication to go, yes you guessed, is the Entumin. It has only been a few nights since I cut back to 20 mg from 40 mg, but I am already having better nights’ sleep.

I do still wake up every night to eat and that is a bad habit I will need to somehow break, but until then, c’est la vie.

[goyehuda5]

The begining of something good how i’ve spent the past 3 months outside of the hospital walls.

It’s been about 3 months since my last blog post, wow how time flies. So what’s new with me? Let’s see…

“You can reduce your dosage by half,” the psychiatrist said to me.

I’m not taking 40 mg of Entumin anymore, was the first thought that popped into my head. Entumin for those people who don’t know is a very strong drug and is essentially a tranquilizer containing the active ingredient Clotiapine, which is an antipsychotic medication.  It is used for people when they have severe restlessness, anxiety attacks and insomnia.

The first time I took it was during my first hospitalization in the winter of 2015. I have such vivid memories of that day, at least the first half of it anyway, until I took Entumin for the first time.

The nurse gave me two pills totalling 80 mg and that’s all I remember from that cold rainy winter day. The following day my mom came to visit me and told me that she had come yesterday too, but this medicine was so strong I had no recollection whatsoever of her visit. If you would have told me then that I would be taking 40, yes you heard me, FORTY mg of Entumin every single night before I go to sleep for over two years, I would not have believed it. I would have told you that you were out of your mind.

One of, if not the biggest side effect of this drug, is increased appetite. This drug made me hungrier than I have ever been before in my entire life. It is impossible to describe, just terrible, you never feel fully satisfied and even if you eat a ton of food, an hour later you feel as if you haven’t eaten in days. I gained 122 pounds or 55 kilos since then till today. I still wake up every night at around 3-4 am to eat a bowl of cereal; this drug makes one so hungry that one is not able to sleep through the night. Ironically, with the tranquilizer, it has been two years and four months since I’ve had a good night of sleep. But hey, who’s counting, right?

A few days ago, I went to see my psychiatrist for a routine monthly visit and that visit came with some good news. After nearly two and a half years of being on 8 different medications simultaneously, the time has finally come. I have been stable for several months and can finally take not a step but a leap forward and start reducing my medication doses. And the first medication to go, yes you guessed, is the Entumin. It has only been a few nights since I cut back to 20 mg from 40 mg, but I am already having better nights’ sleep.

I do still wake up every night to eat and that is a bad habit I will need to somehow break, but until then, c’est la vie.

[goyehuda5]

The begining of something good

It’s been about 3 months since my last blog post, wow how time flies. So what’s new with me? Let’s see…

“You can reduce your dosage by half,” the psychiatrist said to me.

I’m not taking 40 mg of Entumin anymore, was the first thought that popped into my head. Entumin for those people who don’t know is a very strong drug and is essentially a tranquilizer containing the active ingredient Clotiapine, which is an antipsychotic medication.  It is used for people when they have severe restlessness, anxiety attacks and insomnia.

The first time I took it was during my first hospitalization in the winter of 2015. I have such vivid memories of that day, at least the first half of it anyway, until I took Entumin for the first time.

The nurse gave me two pills totalling 80 mg and that’s all I remember from that cold rainy winter day. The following day my mom came to visit me and told me that she had come yesterday too, but this medicine was so strong I had no recollection whatsoever of her visit. If you would have told me then that I would be taking 40, yes you heard me, FORTY mg of Entumin every single night before I go to sleep for over two years, I would not have believed it. I would have told you that you were out of your mind.

One of, if not the biggest side effect of this drug, is increased appetite. This drug made me hungrier than I have ever been before in my entire life. It is impossible to describe, just terrible, you never feel fully satisfied and even if you eat a ton of food, an hour later you feel as if you haven’t eaten in days. I gained 122 pounds or 55 kilos since then till today. I still wake up every night at around 3-4 am to eat a bowl of cereal; this drug makes one so hungry that one is not able to sleep through the night. Ironically, with the tranquilizer, it has been two years and four months since I’ve had a good night of sleep. But hey, who’s counting, right?

A few days ago, I went to see my psychiatrist for a routine monthly visit and that visit came with some good news. After nearly two and a half years of being on 8 different medications simultaneously, the time has finally come. I have been stable for several months and can finally take not a step but a leap forward and start reducing my medication doses. And the first medication to go, yes you guessed, is the Entumin. It has only been a few nights since I cut back to 20 mg from 40 mg, but I am already having better nights’ sleep.

I do still wake up every night to eat and that is a bad habit I will need to somehow break, but until then, c’est la vie.

[goyehuda5]

The begining of something good

It’s been about 3 months since my last blog post, wow how time flies. So what’s new with me? Let’s see…

“You can reduce your dosage by half,” the psychiatrist said to me.

I’m not taking 40 mg of Entumin anymore, was the first thought that popped into my head. Entumin for those people who don’t know is a very strong drug and is essentially a tranquilizer containing the active ingredient Clotiapine, which is an antipsychotic medication.  It is used for people when they have severe restlessness, anxiety attacks and insomnia.

The first time I took it was during my first hospitalization in the winter of 2015. I have such vivid memories of that day, at least the first half of it anyway, until I took Entumin for the first time.

The nurse gave me two pills totalling 80 mg and that’s all I remember from that cold rainy winter day. The following day my mom came to visit me and told me that she had come yesterday too, but this medicine was so strong I had no recollection whatsoever of her visit. If you would have told me then that I would be taking 40, yes you heard me, FORTY mg of Entumin every single night before I go to sleep for over two years, I would not have believed it. I would have told you that you were out of your mind.

One of, if not the biggest side effect of this drug, is increased appetite. This drug made me hungrier than I have ever been before in my entire life. It is impossible to describe, just terrible, you never feel fully satisfied and even if you eat a ton of food, an hour later you feel as if you haven’t eaten in days. I gained 122 pounds or 55 kilos since then till today. I still wake up every night at around 3-4 am to eat a bowl of cereal; this drug makes one so hungry that one is not able to sleep through the night. Ironically, with the tranquilizer, it has been two years and four months since I’ve had a good night of sleep. But hey, who’s counting, right?

A few days ago, I went to see my psychiatrist for a routine monthly visit and that visit came with some good news. After nearly two and a half years of being on 8 different medications simultaneously, the time has finally come. I have been stable for several months and can finally take not a step but a leap forward and start reducing my medication doses. And the first medication to go, yes you guessed, is the Entumin. It has only been a few nights since I cut back to 20 mg from 40 mg, but I am already having better nights’ sleep.

I do still wake up every night to eat and that is a bad habit I will need to somehow break, but until then, c’est la vie.

[goyehuda5]

The past 9 days in the hospital

The heavy door closed behind me. I was back in the psychiatric ward. One of the nurses told me to follow her into a room and there they did my intake, they added me into the computer system, they put a sticker on the pill drawer in the nursing station that was going to be "my drawer", took my blood pressure and temperature.

She led me down the long hall and came to a stop outside a familiar room to me. It was the same room that I slept in for 7 weeks during the winter of 2016.i even got the same bed, the one next to the window. This is considered one of the more luxurious hospitals in the country. There were only 2 people in each room and each bed had a curtain around it so that you can have privacy. The room was nicely sized with 2 comfortable chairs and a desk. Above my bed was a window that was locked and had the shutters closed so there was no sunlight or air coming in through it. The ward consisted of 15 rooms housing 30 patients ranging in age from 18-80, all suffering from different psychiatric disorders.

If you would continue walking down the hall past my room on the left there was an indoor smoking section, making it the only one of its kind in the whole hospital. Off that room was a tiny porch that fit three or four chairs and here was the only place where you could get fresh air. At the end of the hall there was a big panoramic window that overlooked the beautiful mountains and neighborhoods of the area. There was also an occupational therapy room where you can do a lot of stuff, including knitting, painting, coloring, crossword puzzles, soduko, a bunch of board games and more. The room would usually be open for a few hours before lunch and a few hours after.

During the first few days I met a few nice people including Ashley, Tommy and Gina.

Ashley was a 50 year old mother of two that is hospitalized for anorexia. She came from Argentina 13 years ago with her three children. She had a very strong accent and was hard to understand at times. Still, we had a good relationship.

Tommy was 34 years old and a teacher. A week before we met in the hospital, he jumped from 30 feet and broke his back. He claims it was not a suicide attempt but the doctors treat him as if it was. Tommy voluntarily hospitalized himself but now thinks it was a big mistake and just wants to get out of there.

Gina was a 23 years old, a new mother to a month old baby. She suffered a manic attack three week previous and was forced to leave the baby in the care of her grandparents. Over the weekend her husband got a permit allowing him to sleep in the hospital, he would put a mattress or the floor and sleep there.  

Nine days later on January 31st I was released from the hospital. This has been my shortest hospitalization out of the four and fingers crossed that this was the last.

[goyehuda5]

How I ended up in an adult locked psychiatric ward part 2

I was in a small waiting room as the head nurse walked in. "Do you have any electronics?" he asked me. I had my phone, tablet and laptop. "Hand them over, no electronics allowed in here." "I'm not giving you my phone," I said in protest as he took it away. In 2017 for most people to be without their phone or any other form of technology is torture. Not being able to be in touch with friends or family, you feel totally alone. The only way to reach the outside world is through an old pay phone that's fixed to the wall and only takes tele cards which is ironic because they don’t sell tele cards in the ward, so the payphone is pretty much useless.

The ward consisted of a nursing station in the middle and two long corridors on each side.  That way the staff could always have an eye on each hall to make sure everything was o.k. The nursing station was surrounded and sealed by shatter-proof glass. By the station there was a small sitting area with some couches and funky different colored pillows, but here, just like the nursing station, the TV was enclosed by shatter-proof glass because they didn’t want anybody breaking it during a fit of rage.

If you were to take a five minute walk around the ward you would see people in blue striped pajamas with the hospital's name stamped all over them. The second most common thing you would notice is people talking to themselves and you would hear an overall mumbling in the air. If you were "very lucky", you would see the coffee trolley that comes out twice a day, once at 6:00 and again at 18:00 to serve room temperature coffee and tea because it is a hazard to serve anything even slightly warm because it could be used to harm another patient. The cart also usually included some sort of store- bought cake that everyone would grab in fistfuls.

There was a backyard in the ward, which included a few benches, synthetic grass, a stationary exercise bike, 3 swing chairs, a ping pong table, some old worn out bean bag chairs and a huge 30 foot brick wall to make sure nobody escapes. The backyard was open for several hours a day and the rest of the time we were locked within the walls of the ward.

I was a smoker back then and smoked 2 packs (40 cigarettes) a day.Not being able to smoke whenever you feel the urge for a cigarette is terrible but add depression anxiety and suicidal thoughts to the equation and it’s a whole new ballgame. Another thing they took away at admission was my lighter because, like the coffee, a lighter can be used to harm oneself or another patient. So what happened was there was a staff member outside whose sole job was to light peoples' cigarettes. In my case, I would get towards the end of a cigarette and, instead of putting it out and going back to him to light another one 5 minutes later, I would just light a new cigarette from the old one and that that is called chain-smoking.

 There were 6 large round tables in the lunchroom, 6 people at each table. On each table was a plastic plate, a plastic spoon and a plastic cup. Something was missing, I thought.  There were no knives or forks. I asked a staff member "where are the forks?" "No forks allowed here," he said.  That was a big shock, not eating with a knife is something I can deal with and something I understand, but a fork? Seriously? It was at that moment that I felt not human anymore. It wasn’t when they took away all my technology or when I saw people passed out on the floor. It wasn't even having my mouth inspected to make sure I swallowed my medication. It was that moment, the moment where I was not allowed to eat like a human being. I felt worthless.

[goyehuda5]

יומי הראשון בבית חולים פסיכיטארי

שלום לכל חבריי בפייסבוק,

שמי יהודה, אני בן 26 וסובל מדיכאון, חרדה, מחשבות אובדניות ופגיעה עצמית. אני הייתי מאושפז בבתי חולים פסיכיאטרים 3 פעמים במהלך השנתיים האחרונות, ולא עובר יום שאני לא נלחם עם עצמי כדי לא לחזור לשם.

אני רוצה למות אמרתי לעצמי פעם אחר פעם, והמחשבה על מוות פשוט לא יצאה לי מהראש. זאת אומרת, אני לא יודע אם אני רוצה למות בהכרח, אבל מה שאני כן ידעתי זה שאני לא רוצה לחיות בעולם הזה עם כל הסבל והכאב שאני עובר.

אחת האחיות הובילה אותי אל חדר עם 5 מיטות, וכשנכנסתי היה אדם נוסף בחדר. תנו לי לומר לכם, הקבלת פנים לא הייתה חמה במיוחד, הוא פשוט בהה בי עם מראה ריק בעיניים.

הנחתי את הדברים שלי על המיטה ויצאתי לעשן סיגריה. בזמן שעישנתי נכנס לפינת העישון גבר בשנות ה-60 לחייו, ישב ליידי עם כוס קפה והציג את עצמו. שלום קוראים לי דוד הוא אמר, נעים לפגוש אותך דוד עניתי לו, אני יהודה. לא היה לי מושג ששנתיים לאחר מכן אפגוש אותו שוב, נתחבר ונהיה ידידים טובים באותו בית חולים במחלקה הסגורה, מחלקה א' (אבל זה סיפור ליום אחר).

סך הכל שהיתי במיון בבית חולים 15 יום כשבממוצע נשארים שם חולים בין יום אחד לשלושה ימים.

אנא שתפו את הפוסט אם אתם מכירים מישהו שיכול להזדהות.

[goyehuda5]

How I ended up in an adult psychiatric locked ward part 1

No forks allowed here he said as I was sitting down for lunch. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, this specific case started the night before, May the 30th 2017. I'm ready to slit my wrists I thought, I was sure my life would end that night and if it weren’t for my amazing and supportive family I probably would not be writing this blog today.

The time was 8 PM and my mom has hid all the sharp things in the house so I had nothing. In my mind I was going to take a glass cup from the cupboard, smash it and use the sharp glass to cut my wrists. I was sitting on the couch surrounded by my parents ready to go to the hospital as these thoughts were running through my head, I'll do whatever I need to I said to myself but I can't hurt myself in front of my parents. My mom spoke to the psychiatrist on the phone and he advised us to wait for the morning to go to the hospital, because during the night hours the main doctors aren’t there to accept you and we wanted to be seen by Dr. Katz the head doctor of the E.R. I was not allowed to leave the living room for the entirety of that night. I was lying on the couch trying to sleep and my mother father brother and sister each took turns sitting by my side when I was sleeping to make sure that I don’t do anything stupid that I might regret later. That might have been one of the roughest nights of my life.

The next morning we headed to the psychiatric hospital and after waiting for a bit we went in to see the head Doctor, I told him the truth, "I think I want to die" I said to him. He listened to me and what I have to say and then he sent me to a ward which is the closed ward of the hospital. The second I walked through the 2 locked doors a chill ran through my spine, "I'm in the wrong place" I said to myself. The whole ward gathered around me to check out the newbie, there must have been 20 men. I heard screaming like I've never heard in my life, people were drooling, mumbling and passed out on the floor from the amounts of drugs they have in their body.

One of the nurses lead me into a small room with a few chairs in it, I don’t belong here I told him, I'm not psychotic. I did not receive a reply. Me and my parents agreed that this was not the place for me, but since I was already admitted I was not allowed to leave. My parents went back to Dr. Katz, the head of the E.R the doctor who sent me to this ward to try and convince him to change his mind but all he said was that now that I'm in the hospital for attempted suicide he was forced by law to keep me in the ward for a minimum of 5 days with 24 hour a day supervision. Dr. Katz's reasoning behind this move is that I am a danger to myself and need to be supervised which in hindsight was one of the best decisions anyone has ever made for me.  

[goyehuda5]

My new friend, David

First thoughts of my first day in the psychiatric hospital,

I want to die, I kept telling myself…the thought of death just kept running through my mind. I mean, I don’t know if I want to DIE per se but I sure as hell knew that I don’t want to be here, alive now in these conditions or circumstances.

I was led by one of the nurses to a 5 person bedroom. There was only 1 other person in the room at the time, I did not receive a warm welcome to my “new room”, all I got was a cold stare. I put my stuff down on the bed and went out for a cigarette (yes I smoked at the time, but that’s a different story for a different day. Let me know in the comments if you want to hear that story). As I was smoking, and older man in his mid-60’s sad down next to me with a cup of coffee and introduced himself, my name is David he said, nice to meet you David I replied, my name is Yehuda. Little did we know, that me and him would end up in the same psychiatric ward 2 years later, and become friendly with each other.

All included I spent 15 days in that E.R while on average people would spend between 1-3 days there. I read on average a book a day. It was nice having some time to myself to just sit back and read.

As usual please feel free to reach out to me, or ask me any question you want.

Psychiatric survivor

a.k.a Yehuda

[goyehuda5]

My first blog entry

hello world, my name is yehuda i am 26 years old and i suffer from depression, suicidal thoughts, self harm ,anxiety. this is my first ever blog post and its fair to say that  i am a  little nervous. in my mind there is no reason for anybody to read this…who cares about my personal life. but if i can touch even one person with my posts than i will feel like i saved the world  and it was all worth it. i have been hospitalized 3 times in the past 2 years. and every single day is a struggle not to go back there.

if anyone has any interest in my story PLEASE PLEASE let me know because i would love to share what is going on with me and my life.

hope everyone is well and ok,

psychiatricsurvivor

[goyehuda5]

“what is depression like?” he whispered “its like drowning, except you can see everyone around you breathing”

anonymous

[goyehuda5]

H.O.P.E

[goyehuda5]

“what is depression like?” he whispered

“its like drowning, except you can see everyone around you breathing”