goonnotes

[goonnotes]

anxiety: rigid & permanent thinking

in this post i examine two cognitive distortions that anxiety reinforces, how they appear in my life, and what i can do to challenge them. kind of rambling and personal.

my behaviour is dictated by many rules. these rules must always be followed (rigidity) or things will go wrong, which in this case means i will never be the person i want to be (permanence).

i developed these rules as guardrails for my adult life. they have saved me from trouble many times in my life, and i used to swear by them before i realized how much grief and self-loathing i had internalized. there are many factors contributing to this, but i would like to focus on two patterns:

rigid thinking. demands certainty, safety crutches. a little micromanager with a clipboard bursting in to hold everyone up, making sure things are to plan, predictable.

permanent thinking. asserts futility, devalues contributions. a wanna-be sisyphus who decided that an eternity pushing a boulder uphill is more exhausting and just as meaningless as sitting out forever.

both of these cognitive patterns make me stay put, convinced that i am not to be trusted with any responsibility because i wouldn't be able to handle it anyway. they know what's better for me, why let myself get judged or rejected when i can just stay unchanged and inexperienced?

social

scripting an answer in my head before raising my and in class (rigid)

asking a conversational AI for tone / affect edits before sending a low-stakes check-in text to friends (rigid)

shaming myself for thinking i have the least optimal characteristics and that i will always have to compensate more than others (permanent)

personal

lying in bed thinking about what i will do, well past daylight (rigid)

min-maxing expenses for food, travel, tickets, reservations for a day-trip, often with back-up options (rigid)

avoiding job search due to the perceived requisite soul-sucking and schmoozing and selling out to get and keep a job (permanent)

academic

spiraling about how burnt out i think i will feel after i catch up on my late assignments (permanent)

deep-cleaning my entire room before an assignment is due (rigid)

whatever the reason, i have someone else's criticisms and worries convincing me that life is full of terribly monstrous people and situations that i can neither control nor mitigate, much less survive. therefore, i must take their recommended precautions to avoid ever coming into contact with these experiences, and i should be relieved that the small, small price for this invaluable advice is my self-esteem.

but i know that i am not who i used to be when i made those rules. i am not who i used to be just a minute ago. every single moment i feed to this inner critic is an opportunity lost to just live. i have hurt important people in my life and stirred up dark grief inside my mind because i was too preoccupied with this inner critic. even when i compare myself to myself and wax nostalgic about this superior past me that could hold her own, i am robbing my present of my presence.

the big takeaways for me are to de-couple myself from the anxiety and to recognize that anxiety is not permanent. i can handle more than i think and i can enjoy growth without self-flagellation. i can be flexible and temporal, because i am more than any single moment. it is cruel to hold myself to unrealistic expectations and pretend that anything less is pessimism.

exercises

start a worry journal. log instances where i engaged in either cognitive pattern. reflect on what it would be like to challenge them. log instances where i challenged myself to do the opposite of what the patterns advise me to do.

take mindful moments. i've been enjoying the daily meditation recommendations through the Headspace app. after maintaining a 17-day streak, i notice that i can remind myself to take a deep breath now when facing a difficult moment. that was not something i could do consciously before (i used to think that whenever someone took a deep breath meant that they were feeling stressed or unhappy and were trying to hide it, manipulatively).

externalize physical anxiety. i have found it easier to stay relaxed and present when i squish a stress ball (a hot pink silicone cat, in my case). using a dedicated worry object helps me divert my attention away from repetitive body-focused behaviours like nail-biting, cheek-biting, leg-shaking, hair-pulling, hand-wrenching.

that's it from me. i hope you got something out of this, even if light. thanks for reading.

[goonnotes]

the "green light" mindset

my inner critic struggles with me for the steering wheel. she is a loud, bossy, and demeaning backseat driver. she knows all of my insecurities and isn't afraid to weaponize them against me so she can be in control instead. she always thinks she knows best, even when there's no basis for her opinion.

when i commute to school and back, i am generally relaxed. even when i'm running late, i recognize that no amount of worrying will rewind time, and that any amount of impatience can lead me to the hospital, the courthouse, or the grave. so i just enjoy this ride for what it is -- average, habitual, just part of the thousands and thousands of miles i will travel in my life time. i won't remember every single moment, but i will be grateful that i took those roads and explored the places i did.

i procrastinate because i am afraid of getting stuck in gridlock once i enter the freeway. however, many of my tasks and responsibilities are not freeways, they are drives through suburbia and although they maybe include more frequent stops, i don't typically get stuck in any one location for too long. when the traffic light turns green, i simply drive forward. when the traffic light turns red, i simply rest and wait my turn. i can add as many stops as i want along the way if i see an opportunity to do so, i can take detours when there are accidents ont he road, and after i get more familiar with traffic patterns, i can find shortcuts or prettier routes. i don't have to take the same route every time if i don't feel like it. i can trust my internal gps to figure out the extra time for stops and surrounding amenities.

i think i can treat schoolwork the same way. i don't need to complain and burn screeching rubber to stop at every red light (e.g. external obligations like lectures, meetings, career fairs, deadlines), same way that i don't need to jump out of my seat and rip off my shirt, ready a can of beer to shotgun at every green light (e.g. unwisely filling my slots of free time with overindulgent activities that are sometimes detrimental to my health). i can just work on my tasks piecemeal, without extra pressure to juuuuust squeeze myself into the stale yellow light or to make a risky unprotected turn because i don't want to get honked at. sometimes i will need to rush or cut corners, but i don't have to treat every opportunity to work on something as 100% completion or hackjob. not every commute has to be notable, nor does it have to be terrible. it just happens. and they don't have to matter too much.

it's better for me to free up my mind and soak in the destination. and see the choices available to me now that i'm not preoccupied about the traffic violations or roadragers or the missed turns on the way to the place. i'm here, that's what counts.

[goonnotes]

Sau khi thi xong mình đã dành ra vài ngày để nghỉ ngơi cũng như sắp xếp lại bàn học và lịch học cho học kì mới.

Mình hơi mệt một chút nhưng vẫn ổn thôi. Hehe