gonewith-thewind

[gonewith-thewind]

I’m overweight, have been most of life

I was pretty insecure about it from third grade to like seventh, but in seventh I started accepting it, wearing clothes I liked better, and tentatively liking it. It was more neutral than anything, and I always had my moment of disliking it, but I would try hard to move on from it, and try to like it when I could.

Then I fell back into not liking it for a month or so, and I didn’t really do anything bad, just tried to eat as little as I could muster myself to, because I do get quite hungry but I can ignore it, though with school I had scheduled meal times and couldn’t eat only a single meal at like 3 pm like I could on weekends. And I snapped out of it, and I do want to eat healthier now, but it’s hard and I’m working on just surviving the day to day because life’s sucked. But I’ve been trying to be really positive about my body, so it’ll stick, and I’ll want to eat healthier not to be skinny but because I want to be healthy. I’m trying to fix shit while stay feeling like life is worth living and it’s hard to balance everything out but I’m trying.

And my mom made some comments about how I need to lose weight today and it sucked. She’s right, realistically. I’m 176 lb. And 5’5 ft, that’s overweight, specially for a 15 year old, a kid. She isn’t wrong, but it still sucked. There is so much going on right now, in life and in my head and that was not what I needed to hear. I don’t want to talk about my weight at all, not with her.

[gonewith-thewind]

The thought of doing anything school related sounds so, so overwhelming. I will do it anyways, but it’s so hard to even think about doing.

[gonewith-thewind]

Maybe, maybe real life people aren’t what I need all the time. Maybe online leaves connections that I need. Social norms are a little different. If I can do it, if I can make it, I’ll have that, won’t I? You don’t get there all alone and stay that way. I certainly don’t want to. I don’t think I’ll be quite him, or him. Or him. Their humor, but neither level of shadows. I between, leaning towards him. Maybe one day I’ll step out.

[gonewith-thewind]

He’s right. It’ll still be me, and I think that’s what I’ll love. Sure I’ll have a different name, and different friends, and it’ll be hard and people won’t understand me, but it’ll still be me. And I’ll learn. From all of them. I’ll stay out of view. I’ll stay hidden. But I’ll be right there, won’t I? And it WILL be harder that way. I’ll need to be better. But I think it’ll work, just maybe. It’s time to plan again. But I’ll be me with a different name and no face, and I’ll be happy.

[gonewith-thewind]

Not a vent, just more a timestamp update. She’s the only one I truly want gone, and tbh? I don’t care for her anymore. Like I do, but not really. I do not feel the amount of empathy towards her I would feel towards most others. But if I went back to caring more, well, this blog shows how that was Not Good For Me. So yk, I’m gonna deal with it. See how it goes in August. I barely hang out with her tbh, feel bad for one of the other people I’ve mentioned on here, who has to spend an entire school year alone w/ her. Honestly? Reread some of my old posts and it do be getting me feeling a little jaded about the whole time I tried to talk with her. I gave up communicating any issues with her in any reasonable way ages ago, as I’d prefer if she like, DIDNT want to kill herself?

Guess that’s the update

[gonewith-thewind]

The word triggered every day annoys me more. It was a fine word. A good word, even. A useful one, that helped people. But she uses it so fucking much, and while maybe it’s true when she uses it, it’s her. Yes he had things wrong, but sometimes she is so incredibly difficult to be around. I can’t anymore.

[gonewith-thewind]

She’s stopped being around. I’m proud of her. I think. It was best for her. I gave up on keeping the bridge from burning a bit ago. It’s best for her, if she can’t be around me. I feel a little guilty. And a little upset. Even though I shouldn’t. I may be taking her friend from her, a little. But she’s my friend too, and she forgave me and healed and moved on. And we get along. Very well. And I’ve given up on doing things just for you. Because I stopped doing anything I wanted and you still were not happy, you shook and shivered. I worked so hard to build everything back up, because I cared about you. And there was a time it worked. We were actually quite good friends again. But I don’t know when that changed. When YOU changed. But you went back to crawling in a ball. Huddling like I am the thrashing at your door, the harsh wind hitting you. And I am upset that’s how it’s ended up. Because I had rebuilt something. With some thanks to you, until not. And I can’t quite feel nothing but mild annoyance about it. I am guilty and upset and a little hurt. Even though really it is my fault. Almost 3 years ago now I wasn’t good to you. But you almost healed and reversed. I feel a way a shouldn’t. Like it is your fault. You were the victim. But I feel like you should’ve gotten over it. I know that probably isn’t right to ask, though. So I tell no one that.

[gonewith-thewind]

I haven’t ran, even if in any time clarity says hello I bet myself to. Freedom from these people would be so nice, they may be friends but they sometimes are too much. I’ve talked about this before. So instead, I’ll make personas online, a chunk of my soul, a fragment of my being. One I can’t let out around them. Split is better than bottled, at least for now, right? I know who I am, I am complex and contradictory and me. But I don’t know if I could act like what is truly and wholly me in front of someone aside from my shadow and the critters who flock to me. I think that’s good, I am me and just mine. But I am not close enough to that me sometimes around them.

[gonewith-thewind]

Not a vent but whatever

People being hot is a real thing but people use it so wrong all the time “____ looks HOT” and I love over and they do look good, they look cute, or pretty, or handsome

WHICH ARE VERY DIFFERENT THINGS THAN HOT there are different types of beauty and hot should not be your general word because a lot of the people I know who do this end up often sounding kinda…weird

[gonewith-thewind]

For someone who prides themselves on seeing all of my posts and liking them, you sure seem to miss the ones I care about that make me happy and aren’t just reblogs

It’s a stupid thing to be annoyed by but you made part of your thing, and yet when I post about my writing or something it goes strangely untouched.

[gonewith-thewind]

it’s easier to say “im tired” than “im so sad and lonely i feel like there’s a weight in my chest and my body is so heavy i have no energy emotionally, physically or mentally to even move from my bed”

[gonewith-thewind]

It finally happened. I was told in words, that if I wanted the same thing as them to not tell anyone. I know I hurt them. I know I am in the wrong. I know that. But we are friends again. They aren’t fully over it and that’s okay. I was an asshole a couple of years ago. But I hate that now, when we are friends again, if we want the same thing I should not express interest in it. I should not tell someone I want it but am not sure how to bring it up appropriately and ask for advice, because they may tell someone when I explicitly told them not to because of this. I should sit there and not say a word and let them have it. Because I can’t do anything to change them, even though I have changed to be better. I had acted that way for a while, but I stopped because it wasn’t good for me. I know it isn’t. I have changed, I am better than I was two years ago when I wasn’t good, I try to reach out. They haven’t, they are stuck, they cower at what I used to be. I do not blame them for not being over it. I was not kind. I was desperate for anyone to keep my company and I was not good to them in trying to keep them there. But I would hope they would understand I am different, and try to work past it. It is okay if it takes time. I don’t want to act like I have no wants. I will, but I will hate every second of it. Pretending I don’t want it. I am okay with them having it, but I don’t want to be forced into pretend I wish for nothing.

[gonewith-thewind]

Not my usual type of post more complain than vent but MY GOD YOU DO NOT SAY A EARTH/OCEAN/SKY DYNAMIC INCOMPLETE BECAUSE THERE ISNT FIRE DO YOU HEAR ME?

It is NOT an element dynamic and if you don’t understand that look to Pokémon, they had a whole legendary trio about it! It is not fire earth water and air but missing the fire counterpart. It is the different components of what we see in the world. It is was makes up earth as a whole! One may be called earth, but it is also ground and they can be used interchangeably because it is about the LAND. The ocean is the ocean, the sea! Self explanatory! The Sky is THE SKY above us, making up the components of our world of Earth the plant AH IT ISNT JUST AN ELEMENT GROUP WHERE WE FORGOT TO ADD A FIRE COMPONENT

[gonewith-thewind]

The word triggered has been so overused that even when it IS the right word for something it sounds fake and bad

Does [insert thing] trigger me and that’s why I curled up into a ball and started crying? Yeah probably. Has it’s overuse in wrong situations that aren’t the serious made me kind of hate it so I never want to label myself with it? Absolutely

[gonewith-thewind]

welp. Found a new way to be sad today. Good for me, I guess. It wasn’t longing it was jealousy it wasn’t envy it wasn’t yearning. But it made me want to cry. Not because I don’t like it. But because I felt a deep connection to it in a way I knew I couldn’t reach because I couldn’t quite figure it out. I want to know more but the more I know the more of this feeling I get. And. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it

I want it but I want it gone because it reminds me of the things I am trying to ignore and get over because I’ll never get it. So I try to block myself off from it, and take a look sometimes to see if it is going away. And I thought it was. And I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it- I just can’t. I need to get away. But I can’t and I shouldn’t and I don’t want to and I don’t NEED to but sometimes it feels like I do. Because I have no one to go to for it. The one person I talked about it with HAS it. They have it now. And I don’t. So I can’t anymore. I hate crying in front of people. But really what I need is to have someone, one of those two I guess, to find me crying. And do what I need them to, without too much direction. I guess I need a hug. And maybe a best friend.

[gonewith-thewind]

I never say my age online because I tend to get along really well with those older than me

I am pretty emotionally mature, though obviously I have my moments(this acc putting them on full display)

I’m kinda split between the emotional maturity of my age, and the side of me that feels so much older and knows so much more. It’s a sliding scale with those two points. And I hold good conversation with those older than me. Being with kids my own age bring out a side of me a don’t like(that may just be them, though, not all people my age. They cause me a lot of negative feelings lol)

I feel more comfortable and happy having conversations with those older than me. I have similar vocabulary to them, and they bring out that more mature and happier side of me. Because that older more emotionally mature side of me comes out and that side of me is just happier. That side feels more like me. I’ve been like that for a few years now. But if I were to do that irl those people wouldn’t take me seriously

I feel like a pick me saying this tbh. But the hope is at some point everyone will catch up/ I’ll like ‘fall back into my age’

it’ll just have to suck for now, I suppose.

[gonewith-thewind]

say what you want but if I am a person who doesn’t vent seriously and I’m clearly having a rough day and I get into it a little bit and give you multiple chances to opt out because it feels pretty heavy and I don’t want to force anything on you and every time you say no go ahead and so I do and it keeps pouring out of me, and I’m getting it off my chest to another person for the first time. And since this is all happening on a call though I’m typing everything you can just leave and so. You say you are really tired and just leave me there mid-breakdown? Kind of an asshole move. Considering you know how it feels to be having a breakdown and where it can lead to. And you were given multiple very clear chances to not go any further.

And maybe I should just let go of it because it was a little less than half a year ago. But maybe I shouldn’t because that was my one attempt at giving venting to a person and not a never posted draft. And you totally fucking ruined it. And now I feel like I ruined our relationship for like following few months which just made everything worse for me. And now I fall back harder into never asking anyone to do anything they normally wouldn’t and pretending everything is a-ok hoping someone will figure out it’s not and do something about it aside from just asking me if I’m alright. And maybe I found someone who’s a little link that because we share those same qualities but none of us can truly help the others because we’ve all done this to ourselves, at least a little bit because of you. And others, but you are there. So we all feel the same way and try to comfort the others by acknowledging we all aren’t alone but it isn’t what we need.

And I already have have a hard time expressing things like this without making it a silly little haha bit. And as fun and loving and caring as you are sometimes I’m worried that you’ll feel suicidal again if I tell you all of this. Because you mentioned how I don’t vent to you anymore last time it was a really big issue. And I love you, which will just make it harder to leave. I want a fresh start, though. Maybe I want a place I can establish good habits from the start with someone I’m not just a little afraid of saying stuff to sometimes. And maybe I’ll miss you. A lot.

But maybe I think back to that day and know it was a low point for me and I was spiraling while using facts to back me so I wasn’t entirely logical. Which might be all the more reason I needed you then. Because you were the only person I could go to. And you fucked me over to breakdown by myself after building me up to finally sharing. So say what you want about me(I say plenty of things myself tbh) about how rude and mean some of the posts I put on here, my specifically unknown about venting side-blog, are, how they don’t really deserve to have me write these things to essentially the void behind your backs, but maybe you shouldn’t have done that asshole move then speedran me here. And I resent you just a little for it. Because I needed you then, you asshole.