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The Real Face of Alcoholism

Note: This article is based on a true story when I was trying to start a romantic relationship with someone who had an alcohol addiction. I will be sharing my personal experience and thoughts. All the following information is a description of only one person. Therefore, things that I will mention may not apply to everybody. This is supposed to have an educational character. Thank you for your understanding.

Let me start with quick facts:

Alcoholism means a drug addiction.

Addiction is a disease [1].

Diseases need to be cured.

The guy I was seeing would describe himself as a “functional alcoholic”. I would say “currently-functioning alcoholic”. This term is used to describe a person who is dependent upon alcohol but can still function in society. (The term “currently-functioning" may be used since it’s not likely they will remain functional indefinitely.) [2]

In reality, this person led double life. One being this intelligent, funny guy who seemed to have interesting views on life. But behind the close doors there was this guy who had suicidal thoughts and was great at hiding it.

This reflected in everything. And I mean everything. For example, his moods. At times when he did not have his poison, he would be unbearably grumpy. You could not talk to him until he had his drug. When he did, his mood drastically changed. He looked happy and everything seemed to be all right.

But it wasn’t.

Although he stated that he was “aware of his problems”, I wouldn’t say so. The reason why I say that is because if he did, he wouldn’t say stuff like “beer helps me live with reality”.

No. The problem is that it was alcohol that was causing him problems and hence drinking more alcohol logically cannot solve the problem.

One of the signs that a person is addicted is that they will only want to be where alcohol is present and avoid situations where there is none [3]. In other words, his presence was conditioned by the presence of beer. Looking back, all the signs made perfect sense. I just didn’t see them.

Another sign is financial issues. He was quite protective of his finances. I know he had to give around 35% of his monthly salary to pay off a debt. He used to think that this debt was the reason he was drinking. Of course not. I don’t know how much he spent on alcohol though. But at the end of the month he had no money left which meant he would not go to the pub with me which meant he would not see me at all.

As time passed by, there were plenty of warning signals that he should change something. However, he’s always been ignoring them. I’ll name a few: hair loss [4], bad body odor [4], relationship issues [5], blackouts [5], bad teeth [6], etc. But the two biggest ones are yet to come.

They’re so big that they need their own paragraphs. One is nighttime bedwetting which simply happens when you drink too much. When you’re awake, you go to the bathroom, but when you’re asleep? This happened several times. The following mornings were accompanied with shame.

When I said “behind the close doors”, I meant it literally. Because the biggest warning signal was having a mess at his house. In his own words it was “a combination of alcoholism and depression”. I must agree. See, when you want to start a romantic relationship with someone, it’s likely you would like to stay overnight at one point. This never happened and became suspicious to me. Until one evening, when I convinced him to show me his apartment. After some thinking, he did.

It could be used as a “kids, you do not want to end up like this” example. First thing that I noticed when I entered was a terrible smell. I would only describe it as a typical smell that tells you “an alcoholic lives here” and “I need to get out of here”. Other things I noticed: tons of empty cans and bottles. Clothes on the floor. Two trash bags that had not been taken out... I think you get the idea.

He doesn’t see hope for brighter future. He believes he’s broken and will remain broken. Maybe because he wants to? It’s a vicious circle and he doesn’t know how to help himself. I didn’t know how to help him either. I suggested he visits a psychologist, but it never happened.

In the future I can only see two scenarios. One being a complete awakening and actually reaching for help. The other one... well, I’m sure you know.

I want to be there in case scenario #1 happens but just because (in my opinion) he has no one else who he could turn to. He doesn’t have many friends and his family doesn’t know about his problems that deeply as I do.

I didn’t blame him for getting there. I don’t know how he got there. He says he’s been living like this for more than 12 years. I didn’t care about his past, I cared about his present and eventually future. What I did blame him for is for not doing anything at all about it.

After several anxiety attacks that this gave me, I decided to walk away to protect myself. I believe I made the right decision, even though it hurts to leave someone you love. We don’t talk anymore.

You can’t change a person unless they truly want to. And if they don’t change, it is not your fault! Always put yourself first, because the only person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with is yourself. Learn how to love yourself.

You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you. [7]

Sometimes it’s better to just let things be, let people go, don’t fight for closure, don’t ask for explanations, don’t chase people to let them know where you’re coming from. Let them go and love them from a distance. [8]

I will always care for you, even if we’re not together and even if we’re far, far away from each other. [9]

May this song be forever a reminder for me that I did the right thing. https://youtu.be/FPzI4dpEcF8

References

https://healthblog.uofmhealth.org/brain-health/science-says-addiction-a-chronic-disease-not-a-moral-failing

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-functional-alcoholic-67879

https://www.healthline.com/health/addiction/alcohol

https://www.thelist.com/40950/ways-drinking-alcohol-affects-looks/

https://www.michaelshouse.com/alcohol-rehab/alcoholism-warning-signs/

https://destinationhope.com/the-effects-of-alcohol-abuse-on-your-teeth/

https://www.facebook.com/3amThought/photos/a.266224003819337/1279332695841791

https://twitter.com/1000PetalLotus_/status/1315795861083955200

https://www.facebook.com/3amThought/photos/a.266224003819337/1275413789567015

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I had to let him go.

It’s so difficult to leave someone you love.

I’ve learned a lot. You can’t change a person unless they truly want to. And if they don’t change, it is not your fault! Always put yourself first, because the only person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with is yourself.

I would say this is my first time being heartbroken and I don’t know what I need. Do I need to be sad? Do I need time to be alone? Or do I need closure?

I think about you every day and cannot stop.

May this song be forever a reminder for me that I did the right thing. https://youtu.be/FPzI4dpEcF8

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19/04/2019 - Luna piena 🌕

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“He was good, and you were both lucky to have found each other, because you too are good.”  — André Aciman, Call Me by Your Name

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take an angel by the wings

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me during reasonable hours of the day: i never want to do anything in my life Ever

me at 3 am: I Have To Learn How To Play The Piano Immediately

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ok can we agree that the WORST feeling is when you’re just sitting around consciously procrastinating and you’re just overly aware that each second that passes is more time wasted and you like watch hours pass and you’re STILL procrastinating and you CANT STOP and your panicked brain is trapped inside a body that refuses to be productive and inside you’re screaming but outwardly you’re just eating chips 

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I never delete text messages just in case someone wanna start acting different… like you werent saying that March 21, 2014 at 3:57pm. 

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purple sky

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Dark aesthetic. Westminster and Chelsea.

Photographed by Frederick Ardley

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Our planet is huge. You live in one place and have seen maybe 2% of this planet. You can never fully see all of it. But you can travel. Short or long distances. There’s so much to explore. Therefore, traveling should be free. Because even far away, there are same people as you living their lives, they just happen to be on the opposite side of the world. People started drawing lines in the maps and calling them boundaries. But it’s just another useless invention. Nature doesn’t know such a thing as a boundary is. You should be able to get up and just fly anywhere you want to go. Anywhere that feels right.

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I feel like I missed my window to do stupid teenager things and stay out all night and jumped straight to being a 55 year old woman who would rather stay home watching tv and falling asleep at 8pm