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DUCKS ROCKS!

Been binging watching the mighty ducks and I will say they break the fourth wall alot in this show and they reuse alot of animation scenes. But it's been fun. I like how Lord Dragaunus randomly showed up on Earth through a dimensional gateway and didn't think about going back to puck world to rule over it. He just decided "Hey Earth looks like a good place to rule" and decided to do evil things to take over Earth. It's interesting that this show only got one season.

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When I do the shadow work and try to understand where this internal void comes from, I noticed underneath the surface is just rage. And a lot of it. Angry at the fact that the world can't be sunshine and rainbows, but that things that we choose to believe in get in the way of us making everlasting friendships or relationships. We can't just simply put our differences aside and get the fuck along. I don't even know why I care so much about the planet being at peace. I guess it will help me have the ability to be friends with everyone. The world would be perfect. We wouldn't care about social media, fancy jewelry or the latest trend that is sweeping the nation. We would just care about each other. But nope...the world wants you to keep moving forward even if you are emotionally bleeding inside. Just keep going to work and making companies and investors rich because that's what anyone seems to care about. Not touching someone's heart, but how much does that latest video game console cost. And perhaps the biggest reason that hole is there is because I am maybe still waiting on my dad to apologize for abandoning me and leaving me with the task of figuring out not only had to be a man, but a basic human being with goals and desires. A member of society that contributes to keeping the engine of capitalism going. Because when I seem to fall short or don't believe in the same things others do, I am ridiculed for not playing the game of life the correct way, when I don't even know how to play the damn game to begin with or at least it should be played with using different rules maybe? And under all of that rage is also a longing for something I didn't even know I would miss or it took me time to realize I did miss it. We had this strong desire for one another that was very unhealthy, but I miss it. I miss someone wanting me so bad that it's like satisfying a craving when I am around. Being desired or even loved that deeply. To the point where it even became an obsession. To the point where when we finally touched, it was like satisfying a part of our soul that was empty. Nothing has come even remotely close to satisfying that hunger. Nothing. And if I am being honest, I am legit searching for a relationship that recreate that. Because with that, I felt special, I felt desired and now that I look back on it, you liked me and it was nothing else I could do wrong that could change that. Not sure why it took this long for me to miss it. The thing is, I might never be able to get that back. Maybe he was right, maybe I do like to be chased. It makes me feel important. Using these apps has been a shot to my ego, but I know it's wrong to even look for validation from this. It's annoying because I feel like everyone says you don't have to be perfect or whatever, but yet they hold you up to such high standards, again they expect you to know how to play the game when you just got here. Like I don't want to work for these companies...I do it because I have to...I will starve if I don't. You don't care about my soul...you just like complaining about these things that don't matter. I think everyone else is filling a void too, but just not admitting to it.

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"If you don't heal from what hurt you, you'll end up bleeding on the people who didn't cut you."

Dax - Narcissist

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Life Check point - GameStop.

Right now I am at my second job, GameStop just sitting waiting for customers. It's very slow. Mom believed doing something outside of the house would help with my depression. I think it's helping. Devon has finally moved out. Now, the house can finally stay clean. Although, it is weird with him not being there. Mom had the house to herself yesterday for the first time. Me or Devon wasn't there and she said it felt weird. I am just hoping this all gives mom the opportunity to finally live her life. I am really happy she is going on that cruise in July. This time next week, it will be my birthday. I will officially be 32. Mom says she has a surprise for me and we plan on going to put-in-bay. We will see if that happens.

Honestly, I wouldn't mind just a piece of cake and just chilling. But hey. I finished my fresh prince of Bel-Air marathon if I was wondering and I watched the fresh prince of Bel-Air reunion. Really sucks James Avery is gone and couldn't participate in that. Glad the first aunt Viv got the spot light for a bit and we got a little bit more details on why she left the show. I'm not sure what I am going to marathon next. Maybe iCarly. I had a thought of watching all of the final destination movies. Could be a fun time. I watched the first 3 episodes of iCarly and that show has a lot of gross out humor then I remember. It was actually grossing me out. It's funny because I feel like I just traded out one space of staring at the wall for another. The only difference is I am getting paid for starting at the wall here.

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Life Checkpoint - Suicidal

I think this is the lowest I have felt in my life. I am just laying in bed at 12:53 midnight thinking of different ways to take my life and just staring at the ceiling. The antidepressants I am taking isn't working and I feel no urge to watch any YouTube videos or anything. All that fills my life is thoughts of suicide, watching random baby videos and stand up comedy specials. Had a conversation with mother about finding a reason to live again. I'm really trying my best. I just really want to crawl up in a ball and do nothing. Nothing really seems to make me happy anymore. I'm deep in a pit of despair and I don't know how to climb out. I still work at Pottery Barn as a retail support agent. Answering phone calls all day and I am starting to hate it. I just keep doing it since it pays the bills. I work with Catholic charities to help me with my depression. I actually have a zoom call with my therapist today. Who knows if any of this stuff is working. I just want to be happy again.

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Rewatching The fresh prince of Bel-Air has showed me this show hasn't aged well in certain perspectives. For one, the show has a lot more sex jokes than I remember and it seems a good amount of the jokes are the cast making fun of each other's insecurities. (Uncle Phil's weight, Will Smith's ears, Carlton's height.). Like in some aspects, Will Smith's character is kinda of a asshole to the family in a good chunk of the episodes, especially to carlton. And a good chunk of the jokes needs 90s era context. Like for instance, it's a joke in one episode about Micheal Jackson hanging around Macaulay Culkin. I feel like if you not a certain age, you aren't going to get that joke at all.

A good chunk of the messages a still poignant. Like there is one episode where Carlton accidentally takes speed due to will having it in his locker or the famous episode with will and his neglectful dad. There was one I didn't remember growing up of Aunt Viv getting on Will for not reading about all of black history that really stood out to me and really rains truth more so today then ever. So it's a mixed bag. I just finished season 3 so we will see if the other episodes hold up as I continue my rewatch.

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From Worthy by Jada pinkett smith

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From The Fresh Price of Bel-air Episode 17: The Ethnic Tip

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I randomly bring you Mario dancing....

You are welcome.

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Life Checkpoint - Insanity

Reading past Tumblr posts is really showing me I keep doing the same shit over and over and over again. The thought of me and the group trying to get along, the thought of thinking I am dead and not really in life, ignoring Devon because I have no other way of dealing with it. It's funny because I just read a Tumblr post from the start of 2023, and here I am making a post at the start of 2024 and it looks exactly the same. Even down to point where I am thinking of starting mindpath back up. It's kinda of making me laugh the absurdity of it. Devon isn't changing, Nick from the group hasn't changed.

I legit almost sacrificed my sanity because I wanted to help the people around me. Getting put in a mental institution and then going to highland springs to finally get help with my black and white thinking. So throughout the years, it has showed me I am doing my absolute best to improve my mental health and become a better person. If anything, I am understanding the importance of letting go because I see how it will destroy you if you allow it to. And changing people even if you have the best intentions is a fool's goal.

Highland Springs in person help program has taught me so much on anxiety and understanding what I have to do in order to finally achieve my peace of mind. What ifs and trying to change people are big ones that causes mine. I thought of Vaas quote today while reaching out to Nick and trying to understand things and him essentially spitting in my face yet again. I been knowing him and the others for a good decade at this point. And shit is STILL the same. This isn't hope anymore. It's insanity.

This isn't being optimistic about the future and me wishing they, Devon, or even my Dad will change for the betterment of a better tomorrow. This is straight me not accepting what things are. About my altruism or people in my life I love or understanding the universe has sent me other people to get along with. Truly understanding what makes me happy and at peace that doesn't rely on friends, family, or even the fucking planet getting along singing kumbaya.

What makes me happy? And finally getting myself the permission to say that isn't selfish when done within reason.

I don't care anymore. My happiness relied on other people for so long. To the point , where I am depressed and not even sure what makes me happy now. Me being the smartest, nicest, coolest person in the room. Everyone should get along right? Who cares.

My main goal: My own individual peace of mind. Period.

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What is a weird personality quirk you do occasionally?

For example, I like to listen to new music, save it in a watch later playlist or my liked songs playlist on Spotify, wait a few days before listening to them again, and then listen to all of the songs have gathered a few weeks later when I work out.

It helps me reflect on the music and truly understand if I like it or not. Plus, listening to new-ish music I have gathered over time while I work out makes me work out longer. It's a win win all the way around or just weird overcomplicate logic for something similar.

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Should I wait in line?

Is this love or just a fleeting crush?

Would we take each other at our worst or is it a passing interest?

Is my patience the goal or am I waiting to be a fool?

Should I wait in line?

It's not a long line.

I have confidence to know I am the best candidate for the task, but will I see it to isn't end?

Am I the next person to step up so we can test our compatibility or will slip when my maturity takes center stage?

Do I even want to wait here?

Curiousity drawn to someone who has been waiting longer.

If I'm not in your line, I'll definitely be in someone else's.

Will I feel like waiting then?

Will it be more people standing there?

Can I tolerate someone else's line?

Should I wait in line?

Or should I just sit down now?

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Just playing chess in the mall.....as people do.

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Wiz - "Goku Vs Superman breaches a broader zeitgeist. It's more than two characters fighting. A Whole generation, especially 90s America, Superheroes represented an unyielding Status Quo.

Spider-man, Batman, Captain America rarely changed who they are or what they believe in. For alot of people, that's tiring and Superman is an icon of that.

Then along came anime. There was a whole another world of ideas and stories for us sheltered westerns to experience and Goku is an icon of that. So as while many see this as a debate between characters, others see it as a debate of ideologies and culture.

And if that's what's at stake....Who wants Goku to lose?

It's not our intent, but it does call into question what we are doing.

How can people agree what we take as fact when fiction relies on interpretation? Are we stripping characters of their importance by simplifying them as contestants in a vacuum of violence and if so, what's the point?"

Boomstick - "Because it's fun Wiz. Damn it man, there is more than one way to appreciate something. We're having a great time talking about awesome characters and slamming action figures together and that's ok."

From Goku VS Superman (Dragon Ball VS DC Comics) | DEATH BATTLE!

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Life check point - What do I want out of life?

Reading pass Tumblr post and I am just shocked out how much hasn't changed in terms of my life.

Anxiety is still a problem, still scared of death, and the big one, I still don't know what I want out of life.

It seems I keep asking the universe for the same things I already had and it keeps giving something better. In one post, I wanted a group of friends like the MCA or like my childhood, it gave something similar and either I don't recognize it or I want it to last forever which is unrealistic.

Do I honestly want people to kiss my ass? Do I want continuous validation because I can't give it to myself? Or is this as simple as I am just living life. Like we will have some good days and then some bad? Am I trying to eliminate evil forever for myself? My brother is still the same way and hasn't changed. My old friend group is still the same way and hasn't changed. Have I changed at all either?

Do I need to? If I am being honest, I think I finally figured out the secret sauce for my happiness this time. My mom got me into a intense therapy program this time for my anxiety and I can finally identify how my anxiety has been controlling my entire life. I really hope this new information helps. In the sense, I am trying a different approach of facing my mental demons and focusing on myself probably for the first time in my adult life. Because I promise to myself, I will achieve peace of mind for myself. Even if it kills me. Like a friend use to say to me, I am focusing on my world.

Not my friends, not my coworkers, not my mother's or brother's....my world.

Deep in my core, I know I want to fall in love and have my life be boring for a while. Go to work, collect my money, do my side hustles, buy the occasional action figure, go to therapy and use this time to enjoy my life as it is. And for once not ask for anything more. Be content with I already have, which is quite a bit.

Finally give myself the permission to be content.

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The purpose of life could legit be as simple as just living it.

That's it.

We make it unnecessarily complicated.

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".........Ask me about the other ones....I'll show you em twice."

stick up middle fingers