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Children Who Support Parents While Rearing Their Own Children: The Challenge

You may be in this situation: one of your parents (or both) cannot live for themselves anymore, so you take responsibility on caring for them. Meanwhile, you have a demanding job that requires much of your time and mental effort, and you have children who still need your intervention on a daily basis. This is not only your case, and it has become more frequent in today’s society, when individuals start a family at a later stage in life and life expectancy is higher even in underdeveloped countries.

If our home has not been struck by divorce, our spouse will likely support us in our assignment (if they are not dealing with their own parents), but if we are alone, the difficulties and the stress wil multiply. Aspects such as money, time, physical strength and community and family support play key roles, and may hinder or facilitate our struggle. While you deal with these issues, please take these pieces of advice into account to make your duties less heavy:

You are not alone in this situation. Learn about the different organizations that provide support for families like yours in your community, and be willing to ask their help if you need it.

Involve other family members in your daily activities regaring your aging parents. You could be surprised by how responsibly and seriously your children may take the little tasks you delegate in them. From giving company to serving a meal, your spouses and children may help you to lower your burden.

Involve your other siblings, aunts and uncles in your tasks. If you have siblings, and if your parent has their own siblings, invite them to participate in your enterprise. Set aside your prejudices or fears (”My sister is too busy”, “My aunt is too far”) and seek their involvement. It is not only your duty to help your parents, but also theirs. They may support financially, emotionally, or both ways.

Learn what your limits are in terms of caring for your parents. Your parents will always need a healthy caregiver, so you should understand how much care you can provide without damaging your own health. If you are too exhausted, organize your day so you have some time for yourself. Also, eat healthily and exercise regularly.

Learn as much you can about your parent’s condition. You won’t be able to provide useful care if you don’t know what your parent is experimenting physically and/or mentally. Ask pertinent questions to physicians, attend conferences on the subject and read reliable medical sources of information. The more you know, the more you will be prepared for caregiving.

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Ways to Keep Your Temple Covenants Active

This is a post for Latter-day Saints, but the advice given may be adapted for almost every couple, no matter their religious affiliation, or lack of:

First. See your marriage as a covenant and not a contract. We sign many contracts throughout our lives: job contracts, house purchase papers, business documents, and others. Avoid seeing your marriage as a work to do, something you have bought or a good (or bad) business. Instead, see it as a unique bond between you and your spouse; an opportunity to build up something rewarding and everlasting.

Second. Keep alive the memories of your marriage day by having photos of it in your living room and bedroom (even your office desk), keeping record of the vows you made, visiting the temple as often as you can, enframing and hanging your marriage certificate in a visible place, and retelling your children what happened that day and how you felt. It will help you to maintain a positive attitude towards your marriage and your spouse.

Third. Strive to remember and keep the promises you made that day. Almost every wedding ceremony, including the civilian ones, imply some promises made by both spouses. Do your best to keep them and help your spose to do the same.

Fourth. Create and keep a set of family traditions. By doing so, you will give your family individuality and importance, similar to the features we find in our workplaces, social clubs, educational institutions, religious affiliations and our culture.

Fifth. Have daily moments to turn to your spouses. They may come in the shape of reading texts you consider sacred, prayers, conversation times, daily walks, movie watching, and almost anything that may help to focus on each other.

Sixth. Have one day to go out as a couple. It doesn’t need to imply expenses, but it should imply leaving the home. Take that time to simply enjoy each other’s company and talk about common goals and interests.

Seventh. If trouble arises (and it will) and you cannot solve it with your spouse, seek respinsible and/or professional help, altogether with your spouse. Avoid disclosing your family problems with peopl who wouldn’t give you permanent and useful advice, or who would invite you to take the easiest ways to get rid of your marital problems.

Eighth. Be willing and brave enough to change those personal characteristics that jeopardize your marriage. Also, do you justify your flaws because you are “just an imperfect human being”? Please, be willing to grant the same thing to your spouse.

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Wholesome, Fun  and Inexpensive Activities to Spend Time with Your Family

Some years ago, I read a short handbook from my Church that was simply labelled as “The Family”. It contained a series of chapters that invited families to do some activities that would strengthen their bonds. Like this, there are plenty of articles and books that privide useful advice on wholesome recreation for families in all stages. Here are some ideas to spend family time that do not imply TV sets, game consoles or handheld devices.

1. Take a weekly walk around your neighborhood or, even better, the country. Taking some time to walk without a specific destination and without hurries will provide an excuse for talking to our family members about their day, their needs and their future expectations.

2. If you have dared to walk in the country, take the time to collect leaves, acorns, small sticks and other elements that would help you to create a scrapbook containing such things and family members’ impressions about the walk.

3. Visit a hospital, retirement house, fire station, orphanage or other such organizations in your community. It may provide unique opportunities to serve the others and ponder upon the many privileges we have in our families.

4. Till the soil. Plant trees, vegetables, flowers and any other kind of plants. These events also provide opportunities to talk while doing something that would bring fruits in the future...maybe literally.

5. Cook a meal together. You don’t need to be chef Ramsey, just put a bunch of ingredients together and involve everyone in the family. Even the little ones can help, from adding salt to a preparation to helping set the dining table.

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Signs That Indicate You Have (or Have Not) Forgiven Your Spouse

Forgiveness is difficult to give and receive, especially among family members. feelings of betrayal mix with disappointment and sorrow, and either the victim or the perpetrator enter in a state that, if not addressed properly, may damage the relationship permanently.

Sometimes both parts engage in forgiveness, which improves the relaitonship, but, how do we know if we have fully forgiven our relative? Here are some thoughts on the topic:

Understand that the ability to forgive is influenced by our nature and our nurture. Some people are more prone to forgive easily, but others are not. Our character, for instance, being proud or meek, marks our willingness to forsake our spouse’s offenses. Also, the example we have received from our caregivers in our early years will also determine much of our ability to forgive and seek forgiveness.

Forgiving should be accompanied with forgetting, but it does not always happen. What really matters is that we recognize our partner’s efforts to change and support him or her in the process. Once we have started to live in peace with what happened, it is also important to avoid recalling hos or her mistakes and move on.

One important part of forgiveness is to grant this to ourselves. Sometimes we are our worst judges, so learning that we are humans, capable of making mistakes, and sincerely recognizing our efforts - if we are makeing real ones, to improve will help us to be at peace with ourselves.

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Some Tips for Rearing Balanced Children

The old saying states that it takes a village to raise a child. Dozens of people enter and leave a child’s life during his or her first years and until their young adulthood, and many of them usually tell parents the dos and don’ts of rearing them.

Although the following tips may not guarantee that our children will be the adults we would like them to be, they might give you some useful ideas so you can become a satisfied parent in the future:

1. Don’t expect your children do anything that you are not willing to do. It applies from eating habits to behaviors. Have you ever seen an angry father or mother shouting at their child, “Don’t yell at me!” Well, that’s the kind of incongruence that I mean here.

2. Be consistent in family rules, and concede some liberties as your children grow.

3. About family rules, make sure that you and the other children’s parent (whether they live with you or not) agree on such rules. Double standards and contradictory instructions diminish your authority.

4. If it is good to teach your children to assume responsibilities with their own stuff (cleaning their room, picking up their toys, etc.), it is much more rewarding when they learn to do these same things for other members in the family. It will help them to develop altruistic behavior and experiment the satisfaction that comes from serving the others.

5. Help your children to recognize, experience and deal with frustration. They will bump into it many times during life. Start by teaching them that “No” is also a valid answer.

Do you have any additional tips to share? Please, feel free to write them in the comments to this post.

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If You Are Considering Divorce, also Consider These Nine Aspects before Making a Decision

1. It is true that around 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce, but it also means that 50 to 60% of marriages remain stable. 2. Marital breakdown poses an emotional stress that surpasses the alleged unhappiness and low self-esteem that marriage may bring, not to mention that there is a set of additional problems that come with divorce. 3. Although money is not the most determining factor in a couple's life, it may become an important issue in a divorced individual: he or she are more likely to face economic hardship after the marriage dissolution, and it increases when there are children born in the wedlock. 4. Speaking of children, when parents divorce, the are more likely to not finishing high school, not studying a career, not finishing college, start an active sexual life at early age, teenage pregnancy, and having marital problems in the future. 5. Maybe you will divorce with the hope of having a second chance, of remarrying ��Mr. or Mrs. Right. Well, 60% of remarriages end in divorce. Once we have developed the custom of giving up a relationship, we are less likely to do our best effort and recur to divorce. 6. Have you been married long enough to recognize the difference between irremediable differences and simple disagreements? One, two, or even five years of marriage may not be enough time to understand such difference. A divorce decision made under emotion and not under meditation may cause regrets after the sentence is issued. 7. Have you done your best to maintain a healthy relationship and help your spouse to keep it? Sometimes we base our relationship on suppositions and untold expectations, with the resulting ignorance of them by our counterparts. Communication mediated by positive interaction instead of harsh statements may make our message clear for our spouse. 8. Have you tried family therapy? It is worth the time and the effort, especially if we have pondered upon all the previous aspects. Studies report that family counseling improves the spouses' relationship in most of cases, especially because between a half and two thirds of couples considering divorce do not have significant and frequent arguments; instead, their most common argument is having had unrealistic expectations in their relationship. 9. After all you have read in this post, here comes the most important question: Are you engaged in a marriage that presents a real physical and psychological danger for you and your children? Have you really lost your personal dignity in a marriage in which indifference and/or abuse have been present? If it is so, ending your marriage may be the solution. I recommend you to seek professional counseling and act accordingly.

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Having a More Egalitarian Marriage. Some Advice.

First, understand that being equal in marriage does not mean that you will be identical. Your different characteristics will enrich your marriage.

Second, learn from religious and philosophical doctrines that promote such concept, and avoid those which privilege one gender over the other.

Third, an equal partnership means obligation to your spouse, not power over your spouse.

Fourth, equality means that both spouses have the same amount of influence in their marriage.

Fifth, an egalitarian marriage brings enormous benefits to both partners:

Mutual and positive influence

Greater satisfaction

Less negative interactions

High-quality physical intimacy

Greater personal well-being

More effective parenting

Sixth, evaluate your marriage every now and then and seek to improve the aspects that do not allow a more egalitarian partnership.

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Tips to Heal your Marriage or Make It Healthier

Avoid seeing your relationship with your spouse like a contract you made; instead, see it as a covenant you have made. It will increase your commitment to it.

Strive to see your spouse as your best friend and nurture your friendship with him or her the same way you nurtured your close friendships before you got married.

Focus on finding and sharing the positive aspects of your spouse’s character. There is always something good in your spouse to highlight.

There will always be difficulties to sort, so do your best to solve them respectfully.

He is still your boyfriend / She is still your girlfriend. Keep the courtship throughout the years.

Photo retrieved from: https://tse2.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP._Oe0HBVs18drQaQbKMQ-PQHaE8&pid=Api&P=0&w=234&h=157

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Lack of Commitment in and to Marriage and Its Perils

Nowadays men and women seem to have less willingness to create and sustain a family. Regardless of the concept of family that is being held in today’s ever-changing society, family environment has everlasting benefits for its members. Here are some religious and social concepts related to family that may help any person of any faith to have and sustain their own. If you read this article with an open mind, not focusing only on the different doctrines exposed here, you might benefit from it.

I.  Why lack of commitment is a threat to the eternal destiny of God’s plan for His children

A. It hinders the earthly progress of His children.

1.  Marriage is an opportunity to set aside our wellbeing for the wellbeing of our spouse and children. Family is the primordial setting where we learn to love and serve the others, especially our family members. This is in agreement with the doctrine of love taught in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and many other religious settings. “In Matthew, the Lord said, ‘Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.’ In His mortal life, He demonstrated a perfect kind of love, then said, ‘A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another’ (John 13:34; emphasis added). Loving as He loved is a higher form of love than loving ‘as thyself.’ It is a pure love that puts another higher than self. This pure love is the same love that should exist between husbands and wives.” (Robbins, 2000)

2. Marriage is an opportunity to bring stability to society. “Marriage benefits society generally because it is associated with stable families. Stable families produce happier children and a more stable society with less crime and other social problems.” (Goodman, 2019)

3. Marriage provides legal and financial protection to the spouses. Among these advantages, there are the following: tax deductions, benefits in IRA and pension plans belonging to the spouse, social security benefits, savings in health insurance, more protection in case of spouse’s death or incapacitation and easier mortgage approvals when buying a home. (Ashford, 2014)

B. It hinders the spiritual progress of God’s children.

1. Marriage, especially temple marriage, is essential to achieve exaltation. “And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them—Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection…it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hath put upon them, in time, and through all eternity… Then shall they be gods, because they have no end.” (D&C 132:19-20). This is a very Latter-day doctrine. If you want to know more about it, do not hesitate to contact me for further information.

2. Marriage is the ideal setting to bring children to the earth. “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” (Various, 1995). I want to emphasize this, as some people think that we can raise children the same way if we are not married. There is plenty of evidence that supports this, but a home with both parents brings less struggling in raising children.

II. Guiding principles to avoid lack of commitment regarding marriage.

A.  God’s children have the divine potential to overcome individual flaws. This is a literal principle and they all have some of His characteristics.

B. Faith provides strength to follow the admonition of replenishing the earth. Through such faith, we can fulfill our destiny in this world, which is not only to have a family. This principle is the beginning of all progress we make while living on this earth. Beliefs are the foundation of our essence as people; even saying that we believe in nothing is an expression of a belief.

C. Hope provides strength to follow the admonition to replenish the earth. Through hope, we can conquer the fear to create and or support a family. Ether, an ancient prophet and philosopher, perfectly explained this when he said: “…whoso believeth in God might with asurety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith,…which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God. (Ether 12:4; emphasis added). Is raising a family a “good work”? definitely yes.

D. Diligence provides success in fulfilling the admonition to replenish the earth. After applying faith to increase in hope, it s necessary to put our shoulder to the wheel and commit to obtain and maintain a family.

III. Practical applications for the given principles.

A. If you are a Latter-day Saint, read and ponder upon the doctrines of our divine nature and the plan of salvation. We cannot save ourselves while living in ignorance (see D&C 131:6). These doctrines are the foundation of exaltation. If you are not, remember the self-worth that should accompany you for just being human and living in this world; learn about rasing children and having a successful marriage in the hundreds of thousands of literature resources written by experts in the topic.

B.  Apply faith in the fulfilment of other Gospel principles to strengthen such faith in marriage; if you have other beliefs, focus on practicing those righteous principles that drive your daily life. Like a child who first learns to ride a tricycle, then a bicycle and after that motorcycles, cars and much more, we first apply faith, hope and diligence in such principles, from prayer to doing social service. Yes, we know that divorce is an option, but we can be a little more original than the usual and strive to succeed in having a family.

C.  Read about the lives of modern day faithful husbands and wives and ask couples that you know and that seem successful in their marriages about how they have overcome challenges. When I was about to get married, I asked my already married friends how they kept up with everything. One of them was inspired and told me that I had to o my best to be faithful, and that the Lord would do the rest. After 16 years of marriage, I have witnessed the fulfilment of this thousands of times.

D. Serve the others, especially those who have a seemingly less privileged life than yours. Forgetting about ourselves and doing good to the others is a way to emulate the Savior and be more like Him. If you do not believe in Jesus Christ, well, doing good to others certainly reduces the negative events so commnly seem in today’s society.

References

Ashford, K. (2014, September 26). 11 Things You  Never Thought Of When You Decided Not To Get Married. Retrieved from  Forbes Magazine:  https://www.forbes.com/sites/kateashford/2014/09/26/deciding-not-to-get-married/#29bf10eeedf3

Goodman, P. (2019,  January 22). The Advantages and Disadvantages of Marriage. Retrieved  from Paired Life:  https://pairedlife.com/relationships/Advantages-and-Disadvantages-of-Marriage

Robbins, L. G. (2000,  October). Agency and Love in Marriage. Ensigh.

Various. (1995,  September 23). The Family: A Proclamation to the World.

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Are You in Love with Your In-Laws?

My wife usually says that when we made a covenant with each other, we also made a covenant with our extended family. In other words, I married her and her family of origin. As creepy as it may sound, there is much truth in her statement. Time, patience and endurance have made me develop a special kind of affection for my in-laws.

In the beginning of our marriage, it was difficult to set boundaries that were necessary to establish a sense of unity in my new family. I was a migrant who came to live two blocks away from my parents-in-law and saw my wife sneak the house several times per day to be with her mother. I came from a family struck by divorce and with only two children. She came from a traditional LDS family with seven children. The differences did not take too long to sprout.

At the moment of taking a stand between parents and spouses, John Gottman advises to stay on our spouse's side (Gottman, 2015). His statement is supported by Poduska whe he states that the traditions of our family of origin, our culture of origin and our own set of explicit, implicit and inferred rules are carried to our new families and may become a source of steadiness or conflict depending on how willing we are to make concessions and amendments (Poduska, 2000).

Extended families are a source of useful advice and support when we ask them for this and especially when they voluntarily decide to let the hew family work on their sense of unity and build their own rules. I have witnessed how a mother has damaged greatly her son's marriage by interfering with his relationship with his wife and even making decisions for him that affect his marriage. Now he lives in an apartment that is supposedly his but that she has not legally passed to him; he cannot choose a cable provider or renovate the walls or the floors without asking for her permission; to make things worse, she lives two floors below him and he and his wife must spend Sunday afternoons having lunch with her. His wife has developed resentment that has, probably, damaged her relationship with her in-laws permanently.

The Family Proclamation is wise when it states that third parties must intervene only when it is necessary. This and other useful pieces of advice found in this inspired document would save much trouble in families if they were followed more frequently.

Works cited

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony.

Poduska, B. (2000). Till debt do us part (pp. 25-31). Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain.

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Who's the Boss?

This was the name of a famous 1980's sitcom shown in my country of origin. In the show, the head of the household was a businesswoman who hired a butler to take care of the house and her child, leading to frequent arguments over the regular issues that happened during daily interactions.

Although this was a fictional situational comedy, the real life is not that different for husbands and wives. The power struggle is common among families, and it passes from husbands and wives to children and parents, brothers and sisters, and almost any combination of family dynamics. Being one, thus, is not as easy as it sounds.

Dialog seems to be a good option to distribute power in a family, but it also provides opportunities to make the discussion harsher, as it poses a scenario for imposing our criteria over our beloved ones. Then, what should be done?

Despite the presence of power struggle, counseling as families is the best way to overcome difficulties and come to consensus. The phrase "Church is lead through councils" applies for families, too, and provides unique opportunities to develop humility, meekness, selflessness, generosity and many of the most precious Christlike attributes. All this is possible through the combination of the power of the Priesthood and the sublime characteristics that women provide to the household. If one of the parties intends to exert greater influence, the council has no effect.

For instance, consider this situation my wife and I witnessed in a young couple who came to our home  for some advice. They have had frequent discussions over money management. She is concerned about their toddler's access to medical treatment if needed; he always assures everything will be fine if they follow the commandments.

He is right, but he turns to the dark side when he uses scriptural passages to support his claims. She simply replies that she cannot fight against the revealed truth. The result: he gets his own way and the problem continues. He makes it worse when he says that, as the patriarch of his household, he is to receive revelation. He does not understand that the priesthood is shared and that revelation is a blessing that she may also receive as long as she is worthy of it.

It took one hour to make him understand what the temple covenants mean in this matter, and we hope they get over their difficulties using the council strategy.

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A Unique Stewardship

There is a saying in my homeland that I would like to link to this week's post: "Ignorance is daring." A person who does not know about a topic may be daring enough to make inappropriate observations, or an individual who does not know how to operate an object may damage it due to such lack of knowledge.

Regarding our many stewardships as parents, husbands, children, workers and other facets, there is one that may bring great sorrow to our lives, and it is our sexual stewardship. Sexual stewardship should be connected directly to the phrase sexual intimacy, but not all the times those who engage in intimacy are wise stewards.

Such intimacy needs to be a matter of sharing more than a physical connection. It implies an interchange of feelings and thoughts. It is a means to increase the bond two people have. Unfortunately, ignorance (the source of dare) and a global misconception of sexual intimacy fueled by media, common "knowledge" and popular psychology have made people employ such intimacy carelessly.

Furthermore, the excessively accesible popular knowledge has made people, especially young husbands an wives, misplace intimacy. Nowadays couples have hard times when they intend to express their concerns about their sexual lives. They may have been raised in families with limited commnicational patterns, may have been advised wrongly by friends and relative, or may have relied almost exclusively on what their Biology teachers told them in school. When the time to share their lives with a spouse comes, they have no idea how to compenetrate with their partners. Sometimes they have overused such power to create a strong link, and they end up building their relationship upon a limited and temporary physical attraction.

As husbands and wives, we should commit to discuss this topic with our partners and come to agreements that foster respect and permanent connection. Ignorance is daring, indeed, and we should avoid its perilous consequences.

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Getting out of Gridlock

Last week we stated that perpetual problems exist and will exist in marriages, no matter what couples try to do. After all, that is what they are, perpetual. These problems may or may not influence our marital relationships to the point of exhaustion and exasperation. They will be around and they will show up every now and then. When they come to accompany our marriage and they make us and our spouse blame each other, rise feelings of self-righteousness towards ourselves and of disdain towards our couples, and basically make our lives a living hell, these problems become gridlocked and jeopardize our marital stability in a great deal, potentially leading to permanent separation.

In the spirit of H. Wallace Goddard's description of his own flaws in his marriage, I would like to share what happened to me and my wife some years ago. We used to get stuck in discussions about many daily things that, though shallow, brought contention and discomfort in our relationship. They seemed to have no solution, and they had no, indeed, due to our tendency to heighten their influence and stick to our perceptions. The problems were not the issue, but our intransigency. We were not giving up power in our relationship, and by not doing so, we were powerless to solve conflict.

It was not until we sought counsel from a professional that we realized how minimal our problems were, and how much time we had wasted in useless argument. Almost without noticing, we had become strangers sleeping in the same bed. The path to healing took us some months, fortunately, because we were both engaged in healing our relationship. One of the most successful tasks we developed was our family constitution. In this document that now hangs on a wall in our living room, we wrote our expectations and rules of convivence, explaining everything that would relate to dealing with conflict, supporting each other, and allowing heavenly influence in our family.

If anyone reading this post is having similar difficulties to get rid of gridlock, I will be willing to share information about family constitutions with them.

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Perpetual Problems May Become Perpetual Happiness

One of the best-known LDS Scripture passages says, "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so,...righteousness could not be brought to pass,..." (2 Nephi 2:11). This specific passage refers to every type of trials and temptations that people may suffer during their earthly life, and, I dare to add, especially in the family system.

Athough John Gottman is not a Latter-day Saint, he is pretty right when he says that, after sudying couples, leaving them and inviting them to a follow-up after four years, "they'd altered their hairstyles, donned new clothes, and gained (or lost) a few pounds and wrinkles, but they were still having the same argument". (Gottman, 2015)

What he does not know is that couples may overcome even those difficulties that seem perpetual by working them out with his useful pieces of advice and following the Gospel principles of love, tolerance, endurance and repentance.

Among the many techniques shared by marriage counselors, one very effective one is the usage of repair attempts. When a spouse employs them, they are likely to lower the stress present in an argument and come to terms with his or her partner.

One that has proven effective in my own marriage is smiling. When my wife is having an argument with me, I smile at her, and she does the same at times. I do not say that it is always effective, but we have come to understand that this smile is not a way to mock but a way to make each other understand that we are not as angry as we may seem. Smiles are often accompanied by "I love you" utterances and softened voice. When they are accepted by the other, they reduce the tension and provide an environment to find agreements.

Works Cited

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony.

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The Perils of Pride

"In marriage, irritation serves the vital function of alerting us that something we are doing (or feeling, or saying) is creating a sore." (Goddard, 2009)

Irritation, resentment, stonewalling, hate...the list of awful sentiments that people can develop towards their spouses is large and difficult to bear. It is almost unbelievable how much disgust two people who have committed to spend a lifetime together can grow during the years. Almost unnoticeably, they pass from passionate love to intense hatred. All these negative feelings are encompassed into one word: pride.

Building upon Goddard's quote in a literal manner, a sore is something that, if it is not healed properly, it may become an ulcer, then a tumor that needs to be extirpated from our bodies. Figuratively, the tumors created by pride can also be extirpated, but more internally than externally.  An literal tumor may be eliminated through surgery and/or chemotherapy; the tumors caused by pride can be removed by compassion, love, and allowing two People to influence our minds and souls: Jesus Christ and our own spouses.

In fact, especially in the case of husbands, allowing our wives to influence us is as hard as vital. Gottman explains that 81% of divorced couples include husbands who do not let their wives influence them (Gottman, 2016). The risk is higher in cultures that have a patriarchal structure and in microsystems (families) in which the man's protagonic role is enhanced by the female figures from previous generations (mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and others). What, then, should a man do if he wants to keep his marriage? Simply listen to his wife's advice.

I would like to illustrate this statement with a personal experience: I do not make any decisions on purchases without asking my wife since I ended up in heavy debt after a summer trip to Canada. I found that clothes and many other items were very inexpensive there during that season, so I happily used my credit card here and there. When I returned home, my wife was waiting for me at the airport with her mother. While I was walking towards her, she told her mother: #Those jeans and that shirt are new, and the shoes, too!". She said nothing until we arrived home, when she asked me how much I had spent in all those items I had bought for me and for her. When I realized that I had no idea, she just said that we should wait until the credit card bill arrived. Well, the rest can be easily inferred: I always call my wife if I am doing any purchase alone and ask her opinion about it; even more, I prefer to go shopping with her and have a good and frugal time together.

I could have reacted to her request with pride - I felt irritated in the beginning, but I fortunately preferred to do something that Goddard explains well: "we know our spouses well enough to be irritated and to know that the sources of our irritation are not likely to disappear...We can leave the relationship..., or repent. God recommends repentance." (Goddard, 2009)

Works Cited

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony.

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How to Save Your Marriage, pt. 2

Last post, we discussed some tips to make our marriage better and avoid the four horsemen of a couple's apocalypse. Today we will deepen our knowledge to strive in the task of maintaining a lasting and fulfilling marital relationship. While we focused on cherishing our spouses in the last text, today we will learn to develop a better marital bond by turning toward one another and creating or reinforcing unique marriage characteristics.

First, a husband and a wife should commit to listen to what their spouse has to say. Daily interactions are full of bids from our spouses with the intention of making us turning towards them. Sometimes we are the ones who make such bids and sometimes our spouses are the ones who make them. At times, our spouses are in a higher need of attention or maybe we are those more needy. Whatever the case, our relationships are stronger when we turn towards our spouses and accept such bids positively; on the contrary, when we ignore our spouses, the distance between us increases. Important for a positive outcome of those interactions is having a positive pose, even when the bid is charged with negative comments towards us.

Second, a family, and especially a couple, should develop their own identity, something that de fines them and makes them unique. Some of the elements of their identity can be inherited from theri families of origin, but they mostly come as a result of their daily events. This identity comes founded on four pillars: rituals, roles, goals and values.

Each spouse should commit to develop meaning for their relationship by creating rituals of connection. These rituals are composed from daily routines to attitudes and actions in the scope of events such as celebrations or special occasions. For instance, everytime my wife and I go out to eat something and we order drinks that require a straw to sip the liquid, we place the straws in each other's bottle or cup. This simple ritual indicates us that we are there for each other and that we enjoy having that time together.

Additionally, each spouse should commit to develop meaning for their relationship by supporting their roles. Couples need to understand and respect their roles as spouses, parents, children and any other roles that are part of their lives (worker, citizen, etc.).

Moreover, each spouse should commit to develop meaning for their relationship by sharing goals. There is nothing more dangerous for a couple's relationship than the feeling of being part of a marriage but not being part of a whole with common dreams to achieve. Although individualism is beneficial in terms of career development and growing a sense of identity, shared goals boost our sense of belonging with and to someone else.

Finally, each spouse should commit to develop meaning for their relationship by sharing values and symbols. What symbols do you keep in your home that represents your marriage? Do you have a picture of the temple where you sealed with your spouse or a photo of the day of your wedding? Do you enjoy listening to a particular tune that reminds you of an important event that you both shared? Do you and your spose have a similar viewpoint of social, moral and even religious aspects? Knowing, sharing and respecting such values and symbols will also increase your sense of belonging to your marriage.

In each of the aspects described above, employing shared questionnaires and fostering sincere dialogue will allow you and your spouse increasing the meaning of your bond and maintaining a healthy relationship.

Works cited

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Harmony Books.

[gmatamontaner]

How to Save Your Marriage, pt. 1

Last week´s post was about killing our marriage by allowing the Four Horsemen entering to and dwelling in our homes. This week, I'd like to share some insights about how we can save our marriages.

The first thing we need to be willing to accept in order to save our marriages is that your spouse is as imperfect as you are. You married him or her knowing that, and you fell in love with him or her and their imperfections. Once we are capable of recognizing this, we can start the salvation process.

Second, follow the wise advice given by Marjorie S. Hinckley and "[lower] your expectations" (Hafen, 2013). Perhaps the greatest way to do this is by recognizing the times you have also been an awful spouse. Trust me, if you do it thoughtfully, your list will be very long.

Third, continue the process substituting one imperfection with something you like from your spouse. Gottman calls it "fanning the flames" and "cherish[ing] your partner" (Gottman, 2015). Consider what you love from them (from their smile to their salad) and take note of those positive aspects. Then, take some more notes by choosing their attributes - remember, attributes, not mistakes. The ending part of this step is to sit with your partner and read your notes to him or her. By the way, forget about their surpirsed face and go on with the task.

Fourth, create a weekly plan to revive and maintain the flames in your marriage. Start by doing simple acts of kindness, regardless of your spouse's acceptation or rejection. Continue by doing greater acts until you get the hang of it (which means, to become an expert) and be willing to spend that money you use with your friends or in your car gadgets to take your partner out for dinner, have a weekend getaway, and even have the so-wanted vacation together. Avoid being cheap, and remember that you are investing in your eternal happiness. This should be worth enough to give a try.

Finally, I'd like to share with you my answer to H. Wallace Goddard's question in the second chapter of his book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage". He asked, "What are some things your partner says or does that get under your skin?" (Goddard, 2009, p 51). Some years ago, I would have been willing to share a list of things. Nowadays, when I face the possibility of losing her due to disease, I dare to say, "NOTHING". There is no such thing as imperfection in her. There is only love, cherish, thankfulness and tons of good memories. I gave her this answer and, because we have been nurturing our relationship, she believed me.

Please, don't wait until challenges that you cannot control knock at your door, and start saving your marriage.

Works Cited

Hafen, B. (2005). Covenant hearts. Salt Lake City, Utah: Deseret Book.

Goddard, H. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage (p. 51). Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Harmony Books.