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[glitch-samurai]

[glitch-samurai]

Judy Chicago (American, b. 1939)

Birth Trinity, 1983

needlepoint (by Susan Bloomenstein, Elizabeth Colten, Karen Fogel, Helene Hirmes, Bernice Levitt, Linda Rothenberg, and Miriam Vogelman)

[glitch-samurai]

Uhhhh so the unthinkable happened today

I had like a brain blast early in the morning like WHAT IF my pronouns were she/he. It literally felt like a room just opened up in my heart (my gender heart?).

That sent me into a gender panic for the first time ever today which... still processing. But wanted to document.

3.2.21

Okay more of the story. This may or may not have been brought on by a) Grimo’s journey of gender discovery and b) the wonderful, horrible, infamous Playing It Straight (US version).  Other things that happened: Noa calling me “he” and me getting that gender GLOW  Other other things: backspacing the she/her to she/he and then typing the “r” back over again cuz I just DON’T know what I am experiencing!! Very confusing. Very headache. At the time I was nauseous but maybe that was just the coffee. 

Thinking hard about the word “gender nonconforming.” I still feel like a woman? And maybe something else? So unclear. 

[glitch-samurai]

she licherally loves me so much omg

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Abandoned TV 01 [IDLE]

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lovely positive notes from a little reassurance fest 

- joie saying that i’m her best friend i CRY 

- joie saying that I’m a person that people just love and I have a magnetism that got me the APO key (when I said, oh, I didn’t make good on my campaign promises as secretary she said we were like give us more!)

other sidenotes: noa reassuring me a lot that I’m funny (and other positive qualities), me absolutely clowning myself and looking at z*rine’s press videos just to... trigger myself? but now that I’m thinking about z*rine I remember thinking that she really saw me and how much I loved her and you know something? I am seen by my friends. I am seen and so loved by my friends. z*rine saying that I’m special didn’t make me special. My friends know what makes me tick and all of my good qualities, thank god

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dump so this doesn’t have to live in my phone’s keep lol 

Dear Zarine, Thanks for taking the time to talk to me back then. I've done some thinking on our conversation as well. You are right that I know how you feel. And I am so, so sorry for doing this to you. It was wrong, and unfair. I am sick with regret about it. I can't express to you how sorry I am. I apologize a thousand times. If I could take it all back and try again, I would in an instant. I feel like hell about it. I am so extremely sorry. I'll share with you now in this fake message that will never be sent what I wish I'd said in our last conversation as well. There are a few things that kept me from reaching out. I'll say ahead of this whole thing that much of this I don't believe to be intentional or necessarily your fault. First is my boundaries. In our last conversation you promised not to speak to me. You have reached out to me three times since then. I can see from another perspective how those could be bids to repair the relationship. From my perspective it feels like you can just do whatever you want regardless of what I ask for. It makes me feel disrespected, and like I shouldn't trust you at your word. Over the fall when I asked if we could not text at work, you did not stop, and it was a while before I figured out the best way to handle that. When I'd leave on my own or because you'd push me away, I'd be called back with a text threatening self-harm. Or after my repeated explanations of why I did not want to engage with you. Sure, you were going through it, and I basically never had the right responses for you at that time. I am sure you had no bad intent towards me. All I wanted for you was for you to feel like you had a friend and were not alone. All the same. Ideally, the entire thing wouldn't have gone that way. I can appreciate that you were going through probably the most difficult time in your life. But I see flashes of your anger and your capicity to be manipulative and cruel and disrespectful in times since then and that scares me. Last time we spoke I brought up that fight in early December. You gaslit me in our first conversation about it and then admitted to provoking me later. When I repeatedly asked you not to say it was the fight that "I started," or to bring it up, you continued, just to provoke me again, and still do. I again felt disrespected and again like whatever I say to you rolls right off because you'll just do what you want anyways. It was such a trust-breaking experience and I don't think you ever understood the full extent of that despite my attempts to communciate that to you. This part is really not your fault, but you have enormous power over me that's difficult to describe accurately. If anyone is going to have that power I wish it would be someone who is going to be cautious with it and cautious with me. In our last conversation you held back from completely blowing up on me which I can appreciate, but will you next time? The bar cannot be lower and I am nervous for what the future holds. On top of that in a real surprise to us all I don't seem to be able to be trusted with not hurting you. Again, I am so sorry. You absolutely didn't deserve it. Nothing I've said above negates the fact that I should have talked to you when I wanted some time to think things through. I regret those actions very deeply and apologize from the bottom of my heart for them. I really do miss you. I miss my best friend. For now I am still wanting time to think things through. I hope you are okay, otherwise. Love, Anna Trying not to give up and give in - a manifesto Did I do everything right when it came to your  outward suicidal episodes? No. Am I a therapist or an expert? No. My intent was always to make you feel like you had a friend and to be there for you. What I saw at that time was when you're in pain you go to this place that honestly scares me When you blew past my boundaries when I tried to set them re: suicide mentions, with the timing that I requested, or after repeated explanations of why I didn't want to engage with you, when I would leave and then you'd want me back it would make me feel like you were toying with me; with Nicola I saw that you weren't able to hold back at all Provoking me with that fight: you provoked me and then gaslit me, and admitted to it. Recently, I know you've apologized for that text but let me tell you what patterns I saw: one-trying to bait me; two, a mild version of your anger. Both I didn't care for. Texted me after we said we weren't talking and that you'd respect my boundaries!! Also quit negging me This whole time our relationship has had so many extreme issues and while you might be hurt by something else it feels like I am stuck being hurt by you. Except for this last time, which was a consequence of all the other times. And the build up on MY end. I think the trust has been broken in this relationship for a while and I didn't talk to you for the reasons I said. Could I have trusted you not to blow up on me if I tried to have a formal talk about it? Ground rules for a potential new relationship - I'll bring up my issues immediately when I see them - respect my requests and boundaries - can I trust a promise from you that you won't blow up on me? - a more gentle relationship - I can't talk that often to start - please lay out as many of your expectations as you can upfront Maybe the timing is all off now anyways and I'm not the right person She knows me too well and it's way too easy for her to manipulate me ! The power imbalance is way off!! Plus our relationship is honestly NOT platonic... So that's why I'm holding my ground. Take that to the bank.

[glitch-samurai]

Vintage Profanity Skirt by Hysteric Glamour

[glitch-samurai]

nice things post:

so supportive

healthy boundaries and legitimately wants me to pursue my own stuff

LOVES me loves me like loves every single one of my carefully vetted mind and body idiosyncrasies

communicative of needs

10000% daily respect women juice

super caring

generous

wants to continue to grow

active listening and wants to help me

super gentle! treats me like a faberge egg

this 1 is on me to make better habits for myself but amazingly can sometimes read my mind about what I’m upset about, like will volunteer it, and comes to the table with solutions for us and wants to make our relationship better and lasting cuz she loooves me

[glitch-samurai]

Alberto Biasi, Arcabaleno (Rainbow), 2012, PVC on board

[glitch-samurai]

Incomplete notes from a beautiful day

1. Protest with friends, theythem collective rally/march + white house visit which was covered in community art

2. Reflecting on finding and being in community and mutual aid and supporting one another

3. Long walk home to be greeted by melon milkis and an 18 inch gizza and Killing Eve

4. Long walk to noa's house with a gorgeous full moon-lit stop at the reservoir to rest our weary soles and sit under a tree in the grass and look out onto the night and talk

5. A very friendly very sweet little white and orange cat interaction

6. Fully it must have been 12:30 am when noa's neighbor who is known to play art blakey and other wonderful jazz stops us to sing us a little song about "having a lover like [us]" to the tune of somewhere over the rainbow which was playing. He tells us we are beautiful ladies and loves our "hand thing" (we were holding hands, he was ?? martinis deep on his deck with his adult son, who was having a beer and a bit amused). He sings us a bit of over the rainbow to prove that it's the right song and wishes us a wonderful night. How could it be anything other than wonderful?? I was floored by the charm of the whole thing, this man's singing voice, and the fact that he was so normal and cool and in fact cute about us two ladies being a couple!

Not to be whoever but community is really magic

6.6.20

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Some notes from this weekend so the archive keeps fresh

1. Someone leaning out their car window, maskless, to say "You see all these dog walkers wearing masks. But why aren't the dogs wearing masks?"

2. Going outside at 11:00 for an hour to read Sofia Samatar's "Tender" in the dim light of the house, sitting on the steps. It's dead quiet, the night is peaceful and still, and there's a jasmine candle burning. No one is bothering us.

3. Frankly, crying on the porch about my sobriety and what that means since baby's first year is coming up.

4. Virtual birthdays, and expending effort every day to send someone your love.

5.17.20

[glitch-samurai]

i told her I loved her in grant circle park. it was dark. the sun was setting. there was exactly one little slice of the circle that still had blooming flowers. my heart was beating out my chest. 

i realized in hindsight that I had never said that to anyone before like this, in like, my real life. like outside of high school real life. it felt crazy and vulnerable. it was true and i’m glad I said it. 

she told me she loved me too. 

[glitch-samurai]

this is for documentation purposes only so that when I’m 80 I will have lots of material to work with in my stand-up routine 

First of all the absolute joy of seeing your experience reflected and being fully and wholly understood by another human person, even on the internet, and the relief of that experience... incredible. [The link in question]. 

Except that when the author of that article says that something that isolation has taught them and this particular symptom in particular is “humbleness” I really feel. Uh. beyond humbled. Something more like humiliated, mortified, disgusted, absolutely obliterated.... 

I think my texts with grimo sum this up as well as anything so I’ll leave these here 

Me: I need to tell you something absolutely vile

Like absolutely vile

I deadass have covid toes and my doc asked me if I wanted an antibody test

And I think I do but like now I need to talk about my feet with my isolation party, my parents and my doctor

Instead of keeping that between me and GOD like the SCRIPTURE intended

Like nothing is wrong with me otherwise except the horror of using the word "toes" at this disgusting frequency

Fri 8:33 PM

Grimo: I have no idea what covid toes means and I don't care to find out

am I to understand your family and your doctor have now taken a major interest in your feet

Me: And my isolation unit

Literally exactly

Grimo: I have no idea what covid toes means and I don't care to find out

Me: this is the right frame of mind

My feet are between me and GOD though and I am beyond upset that that boundary has been violated I cannot even tell you

Grimo: so what you're saying is you now have weekend plans to take feet pics

Me: AAAAAH 

Dude I have to camgirl for my DOCTOR on Microsoft TEAMS on Monday

Grimo: the way that rona has degraded this society

back in my day there were other ways heathens could send feet pics

without mr. gates intercepting them

Me: God help us

Bring us back

Grimo: so wait does covid toes mean you have the rona?had the rona?will have the rona?which tense are we working with hereat what point in time will / did ms rona visit you

Me: I don't know but I think she's been slash is in my house

The test will reveal

Grimo: wow this is a very spooky development

have you considered your feet are just fucking disgusting

Me: But like good spooky 

Like I'm not sick and I'm not gonna get sick

You replied to Pete "The Boss" Ross “have you considered your feet are just fucking disgusting” I'M

Grimo: like i'm sending good vibes regardless but i'm also a truth sayer

Me: I CRY

Help

If the doctor hands me her prognosis and she's like yeah. Those are just vile you're fine but those are fucking nauseating

I will not survive it internally like safe from corona but death by mortification

I took the fucking feet pics

Grimo: thanks for the update that I absolutely did not ask for

you know what, keep me posted on this

fuck it

the world is ending and this is the most interesting development from either of our lives

Me: I am burning my phone and social security card and digging a tunnel to panama

Grimo: well if you think your toes are bad now that's going to make them far, far worse

Me: My friend just called it "toevid"

Grimo: death is coming for everyone else yet not me, for some reason

instead i had to live long enough to hear the phrase "toevid"

Me: I sincerely. feel the same

Version control: Friday, May 8, 2020

[glitch-samurai]

My girl learned mandarin in secret for weeks to surprise me and I am absolutely gagged. Gagged beyond belief!!

[glitch-samurai]

for the sake of documenting a truly amazing weekend with the gif 

1. Friday -- bike ride, butter chicken, and screening ALICE WU’S LATEST 

2. Saturday -- waking up slow, sex first thing in the morning (her first time with penetration eye emoji), a trip to rock creek park where we had our feet in the creek, views of people (including another lesbian couple that kissed across the creek and waved at us -- this part made my heart especially jump for joy), and paninis on the porch, thai ice tea, quesadillas, and a screening of shrek with friends

3. Sunday -- breakfast burritos on the porch, brazilian cheese bread, making mocktails and lounging in our underwear in the grass while playing dungeon world, the absolutely stunning thirst trap of watching one’s gf with her hair up changing a bike tire, long conversations into the night and kisses before getting up for work 

I feel like I have a lot of things to say but I will stop for now that the immediate pieces are handled 

like how good teambuilding is and also how very hot it is to see her absolutely demolish a task 

plus she’s so sweet! i love her and surely am falling in love with her if I’m not toast already 

[glitch-samurai]

James Rosenquist 

Communication Center, New York, NY, 1983 

Color lithograph and screenprint