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oh to be a cat in a pile of blankets

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real grapeheads know that red, green, and black grapes are equally tasty and just have a different appeal to them

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also literally fucked a man so hard yesterday that today i found pieces of my bed on the floor

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*scrolling tumblr* hmmm. i agree with the sentiment of this post, but the phrasing feels off to me. it doesn’t really have that Reblog factor, you know? *scrolls* oh good, a post that just says “i jerk off till my penis scrweam” . i better reblog this

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nothing scarier than being a fan of a fic and then becoming mutuals with the author. like hi shakespeare. big fan of your fake dating au

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So I have a question for my followers: are there any conspiracy theories you’re 100% convinced are real

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just stepped on an ant landmine it blew off a single cell from my foot

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blackberries are so good <- the start of my fruit reviewer career

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Today I was trying to chat up this girl standing with her friend at a lesbian bar and said “oh are you two together?” meaning were you friends before being next to each other at this bar and one turns to the other and goes with all the venom of a black mamba snake “I don’t know Cara, are we?” and I was like you know what? not my table

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moving apartments is the worst activity that exists

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It wimdy

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“dad’s on a hunting trip and he hasn’t been home in a few days”

girl, what home

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Saw an annoying dean take so now I'm drowning him

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“eldritch horror beyond your comprehension” and it’s just a generic monster with tentacles and eyes

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theres no such thing as tmi to me. i want to live in your ribcage.

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It's unbelievable to me that everyone crops out the fourth panel of this comic