getting-better-by-poetry - Tumblr blog

[getting-better-by-poetry]

Broken

The trust I gave you

Everything I had put into it

And I realize that

I don’t even want you to touch me.

Because every touch reminds me

You are only a moment from

Hurting me.

I don’t even want to speak to you

Because the hatred in your voice

Echos in my mind,

Even when you

Pretend to care so you can

Feel close to someone.

Have I ever been a

Love to you?

Or perhaps something to use

Someone to feel the pain

Like you felt for so many years.

And I can say with all my heart

That I love you.

That somehow through years

Of feeling unwanted, hated

And broken

That I can still say I care.

That I can still look somewhere

Inside you and find

An ounce of good.

One day this too will become

A memory

[getting-better-by-poetry]

Sometimes I feel the space

You put between us

And I wonder what I’m doing here.

I sometimes feel like I’m looking at my life

On a screen and nothing is real.

I had so many hopes

So many dreams

And sometimes the only time you care

Is when I feel like I need to leave.

Why would anyone

Who loves a person

Say the things you say?

Why would anyone

Who loves themself

Ever want to stay?

I guess that’s why you chose me

Because I’m still here.

I hate myself and it works for you;

You have nothing to fear.

[getting-better-by-poetry]

Someday, I hope someone really loves me, I hope I can deserve kindness. I hope one day I can be happy and someone will be happy with me. I hope that I’m enough and I feel it. Someone who can hold me when I cry, who can hug me tighter when I shake, and really just cares when I am hurt. Haven’t you ever wondered how lovely it would feel to get that kindness back sometime. I’m sick of feeling so much and never getting that from another person.

[getting-better-by-poetry]

Sometimes I remember feelings

As colors in my past.

I remember every shade,

And while I couldn’t tell you,

Where it ended or where it began,

I could paint you a masterpiece

In my memories.

I remember the sunrise

Sitting on a damp porch in my pajamas

Waiting for that first light

With my favorite people in the world.

I remember when the sky was as blue as the ocean

And when I was young enough

To be amazed by it

I remember when I saw that sun turning the sky into bright reds and yellows

And on long walks by myself

I found a reason to love being alive.

I remember all of the sunsets

Sunsets that turned lavender,

I remember breathing in fresh air

And feeling the sadness let go

For a minute or two.

I remember sunsets turning to dusk

While I sat in the car with him

And when I knew that we wouldn’t

See another one together.

I remember long winter nights

When the world stood still,

And I could see my breath,

When I spoke to you for the last time.

[getting-better-by-poetry]

Valentine

I sometimes sit and wonder

What I don’t have, that she did.

And I read old love letters you

Wrote to her in secret.

I think about all those little things

That I do that must make you

So sick.

And all the things about her

That you just didn’t mind as much.

And I wonder if I could ever

Reach a point where I feel like

I could ever be the one you truly wanted.

[getting-better-by-poetry]

Tired

I’m tired of trying so hard

Tired of trying to catch your eyes,

While your eyes seem elsewhere.

And I will never be made to feel bad

For being sad about that.

I ask so much

Why am I never enough,

When I should be asking

What am I worth to myself.

I know what self-hatred does,

I know that there are times

I’d rather not exist,

But that doesn’t make me nothing.

So look at them,

All those girls you’d rather see,

And convince yourself it isn’t wrong,

To think of them and not me.

But do not be surprised

When I don’t look to you anymore.

Don’t be surprised when I am thriving

And you find yourself lost

In the cheap love that costed you

Everything.

[getting-better-by-poetry]

Anxiety

Fearful, tired, my brain

Searches every corner

Afraid that it will find you.

You, that theif

Who steals a person’s

Love for me.

I can feel it’s presence

Nearing closer

In every little conversation;

In his growing hatred

Of the things

He told me that he loved.

And the thing is

I know it’s stupid

I know my worries end in sadness

But I can feel his fire

Going out;

The same fire inside me

That still burns

So brightly.

But I can feel it

And that’s what makes

It real to me.

His short temper;

How angry I can make him

With words meant for love.

How he can’t rest near me anymore

Because my very presence

Gives him unease.

And how I am the cause

Of every problem

That he sees.

I wish he

Loved me.

[getting-better-by-poetry]

Valentines

The bluish hue of the sky,

The bluish hue of my veins.

You can fix it if you fix you,

But if he doesn’t want you, then you can’t.

Tell me things to convince me

Why I should be alive?

To live unwanted by the people that

I’d kill just to stand beside.

No, want cannot be convinced.

And maybe I wish it could be.

But the fact is I can’t do anything

If he doesn’t want me.

Allow the feeling to take you

Worthlessness washes through.

Let tears clean you of your sorrow,

Let pain clean the fear in you.

[getting-better-by-poetry]

He is asleep.

I should be too,

But it’s hard when

The tears are so cold

That I shiver.

He told me

My tears don’t affect him

Anymore.

I wonder if

My self hatred does

Or when my heart hurts

So bad that it’s hard to breathe.

I wonder if

Anyone on this earth

Can hear my sadness.

I don’t deserve better.

Why should he care?

Why should anyone?

I’m so worthless.

A waste.

I get sad too much,

I feel so much.

And I will always

Be sorry for that.

I guess some nights

It’s so hard to hold

the sadness in.

I’m so desperate

For someone to care

About it.

But I know I’m

Too much

Even for a

Patient person.

I love you

More than anything.

I’m sorry that

I let myself

Be a burden

All this time.

[getting-better-by-poetry]

They called me needy.

All I’ve ever wanted was to be

Needed,

So that’s what I became.

They called me loud,

So I tried to be quiet.

I tried to suffocate myself

To silence.

They called me ugly,

So I bought a mask,

And covered every inch of myself

In hatred.

I stopped eating and

Started crying more.

They called me weird,

So I stopped talking

About the things that made me

Smile.

They called me too much,

Too big,

Too fat.

So I shrank myself down

As far as I could.

I tried to dissect myself

And leave only the parts

That they would love.

But there was nothing

Left.

[getting-better-by-poetry]

Him

I always tell you how I feel,

Sometimes in quiet ways.

I’ve seen the tops of clouds,

Soft purple in the early morning;

I’ve been up in the night

Shivering in silent snow;

I’ve rested on the water

While the orange haze fades;

But none of it compares

To being with you.

Love is so vibrant,

I notice colors everywhere.

I’m lost in love like

Rich heat in summer nights.

Your hands touch my skin;

They feel like energy changing me

Positive.

Love is so tangible.

I feel my heart expand at the thought of you.

I love how I love with you;

I love you.

[getting-better-by-poetry]

I Think

Warm, soft light on my ceiling

Cold, dripping tears falling back.

Is it worth it?, I think.

Let it be, I say back.

Hours floating by; Days, Years

Heart sinking lower than the lowest floor.

I deserve this pain, I think.

Don’t trouble them anymore.

Such a battle every night;

Lone soldier gone to war.

Don’t let it win tonight, I think.

Stay for the good things in store.

Staggered breaths, soaked pillows,

Lungs that it hurts to fill.

I stay for you, but sometimes

I think it still.

[getting-better-by-poetry]

Slow, dull aches spreading;

Branching out like trees.

Cold winds blowing branches,

Anxiety and at ease.

It is the quiet suffering

That kills.

That pain that makes you numb;

That silent cold that gives you chills.

Your words echo in that silence,

Your feelings hurt all the same.

You don’t want me

And I have only I to blame.

Doubt suffocates

Like the tide coming in.

Lonely goosebumps on my arms

Where warmth could have been.

[getting-better-by-poetry]

I Didn’t Ask, I Knew

If you could see me now,

What would you do?

Tears falling on the wooden floor

In front of you.

Let me ask this differently;

I’ve got to be more clear.

Would you prefer me to be with you

Or do you like me over here?

We went to visit.

I didn’t ask, I walked up to the door.

Your eyes said this was private.

I hadn’t seen that before.

You were quiet after that.

Me too.

You tried to cover by saying

Thank you.

A second time we went to visit.

I didn’t ask, I held my seat.

You’re eyes said you were happy

In a way you weren’t with me.

You talked more after that.

I held my silence.

I’ve seen those eyes before,

Upon whom remains quiet.

Those eyes haunt me.

Every night.

The way you had to keep it private;

The way she put in you a light;

The way you couldn’t disguise it.

I couldn’t bear to speak It;

It hurt too much.

In your one-sided conversation

About the woman you really love.

[getting-better-by-poetry]

Fear

In the brisk, cold air of our day,

A fog sets in.

Like the uncertainty of our life,

It upsets him.

He reaches for something light,

But it is always out of his reach.

As he reaches into the unknown,

He knows not what he seeks.

Is it the beauty of a virgin

Left untouched?

How tragic that when he reaches,

It’s her beauty he corrupts.

Is it to be someone’s

Only love?

How tragic what a person is

Uncapable of.

To proclaim it is so sad in a way;

He will always search for more.

There will always be another want

That he didn’t realize before.

That’s the conflict in his mind,

Why he’s always left unhappy;

She can never satisfy

Even when she wants to so badly.

In the end, what we want

Is so vastly unattainable

Because the things we desire most

Are so completely unsustainable.

So when you see the tears

Upon her face

Think of all the things she fears;

If your love cannot be had

What has she searched for

All these years?

[getting-better-by-poetry]

How Can I

Even at my biggest

How can I feel so small?

Every bit of confidence

Drips like the drain in a broken stall.

How can I feel so happy

And so dead inside at the same time?

I feel the weight of my decisions

Overwhelming my endless mind.

How can I be enough for anyone?

I cry about it all the time.

Tell me more about all the people

Other than me that you could find.

Tell me about the flowers

Who take in all the sun;

The sun that I could never find,

That you love more than anyone.

Tell me about the trees,

The way they dance at the sight of you

In a way I never could.

Then tell me again your love is true.

[getting-better-by-poetry]

Kindness

Kindness is not a current.

Unlike the river, it can't always flow.

At some point, when it isn't returned,

The well is empty, more than you could know.

At some point, it grows quiet.

You'll stop crying when you're sad.

And the numbness overpowers

All the feelings you could've had.

This truth isn't unknown

It's happened too many times.

You'll stop sharing the things you love,

Your only words will be your rhymes.

But along with the hurt that's gone

So follows the good feelings too.

If you're not allowed to love things

Then what else is there to do?