genderjourneyjournal

[genderjourneyjournal]

Gender Journal Day #99

Date 11/29/24

This is a personal journal about my gender journey my therapist recommended I make. Mostly about gender stuff but also anything else. Feel free to keep reading but keep in mind it’s going to be my unfiltered, personal thoughts.

Oof been a while. Like I know I’m not good at keeping up with these, but also. Damn.

Well a lot has happened but I might as well start with the easy stuff. Maybe in the next few days I’ll catch everything up.

So I’ve started identifying as a demigirl. I’m just trying labels and seeing what sticks rn. I figured I’ve spent a little too long thinking it over and I’ve just got to try something already, you know? It still doesn’t feel like it quite fits yet, I don’t think. But then again, how will I know when it feels right?

I told a couple of my school friends because it happened to come up, and it was really sweet because they immediately asked if they needed to switch up pronouns for me. That was very nice. Like it was their IMMEDIATE concern. I love queer friendships.

Of course I also told my main group of friends in the discord server. They were very receptive because they’re all queer too. Again, they’re not exactly treating me very different which is a blessing and a curse. I want to know what it’s like to socialize as a girl you know? But it’s hard when my dynamics with my friends are pretty well established.

Recently I’ve been becoming more upset with not having a feminine body. Especially when waking up and lying in bed and everything. That particular feeling hasn’t been super strong before but it’s certainly more present now. Maybe it’s because of those hypnosis audios I’ve been listening to recently. Maybe it’s just from the stress of the semester ending combined with the stress of my family being home for the holidays bringing up the tension in the house.

I still haven’t switched therapists. It’s just been a lot to do recently. You know?

I’m gonna cut this off here. Talk about the stuff I’ve missed since my last post in the upcoming days. Maybe it’ll get me posting more regularly. Who knows?

[genderjourneyjournal]

i cannot hate myself into a version of me i will love.

[genderjourneyjournal]

next time a cishet man talks about how he feels oppressed or like ppl are saying he's evil, explain the trans-to-prison pipeline and v-coding to him.

[genderjourneyjournal]

Queer joy radiates outward because choosing joy even in the face of danger is better than bringing hate into this world, even if it is only self hate.

[genderjourneyjournal]

what if you were a machine and one of your buttons was stuck down from before the first time you were turned on so your whole life there was this input that you thought was just a part of being and then one day one of your engineers noticed and unstuck the button. wouldn't that be fucked up? would you weep in the silence of it?

[genderjourneyjournal]

trans women do not only start to experience oppression or harassment when they start to present as women, and trans men do not stop experiencing oppression or harassment when they start to present as men. when you exist outside the status quo of the sex and gender binaries you experience these things constantly through your whole life, both before and after transitioning. the idea that trans women were "socialized male" and so grew up not experiencing sexism is bullshit. the idea that trans men have as much privilege as cis men and get to just stop experiencing sexism when they transition is also bullshit. both these statements are transphobic and are meant to diminish our experiences

[genderjourneyjournal]

transfemme and transmasc are useful terms for trans people that don't fully align with either binary gender and rather just associate with masculinity or feminity based on vibes but for gods sake if you are nonbinary please remember that you don't need to use them. I think sometimes the labels just announce "this is my agab!" and that's no one's business, especially if you're nonbinary and you don't align with being a man or a woman at all. you don't have to volunteer any information that you don't align with.

[genderjourneyjournal]

Gender Journal Day #81

Date 11/11/024

This is a personal journal about my gen der journey my therapist recommended I make. Mostly about gender stuff but also anything else. Feel free to keep reading but keep in mind it’s going to be my unfiltered, personal thoughts.

Well, I told my friends I’m a demigirl. I’m not sure that’s 100% right yet, but I figured I’d start somewhere. If this election has done anything it’s made me want to be more visibly trans than ever. My reaction the morning after was to go out in the gaudiest makeup I could manage. But I didn’t because I was already late for class.

I’m not going to let them take this from me, let them silence me. If the trans people in other states can’t be visible then I have to be visible for them I guess.

Even if I’m still unsure about where I sit on this spectrum, at this point I’m pretty sure I’m not cis. And I’ve come to identify at least with the community.

I also did start taking my anxiety meds. I got to call a really lovely lady at the clinic. She really helped me feel better about the possible side effects. I hope they start working sooner rather than later

[genderjourneyjournal]

hey. i love you all. always and forever

[genderjourneyjournal]

I hope none of you disappear in the coming days. Seriously don't do anything that can't be undone.

[genderjourneyjournal]

I got anxiety meds today. Too bad they take 4 weeks to kick in because I am HYPERVENTILATING about the US election now. Hey, at least there’s a trans person in congress now.

[genderjourneyjournal]

[shopping mall voice] I wanna try the he/him on, what do you think do you think I'd look good in these pronouns

[genderjourneyjournal]

If I Can't, You Can't

I've been here and there, talking to polar bears and people who barely care.

It feels like a nightmare from day to the next one, when will it be done?

When will I figure this out?

I said I, not you.

Not like you knew from the start, don't put me in this.

I won't say it again: If I can't, you can't.

Don't go on your rants about times you don't recall, not even that one time at the mall all the way back in those few years of fall.

I don't know what it is, but it's something I'm proud of.

Something you should accept and love, don't pick me up by the tips of latex gloves.

Put shove me into this corner, I don't want to stay here even when I'm older.

The folders of my mind show it all, don't make this all about your call.

You don't know what a soul is to me, you don't even see me on the outside, but I abide.

abide by this decision that I am what I call myself.

It feels right enough, but it's not the right size.

Your size was too small, the wrong call.

This might not be it, but it fits.

If I can't now, you won't ever.

[genderjourneyjournal]

Gender Journal Day #75

Date 11/3/2024

This is a personal journal about my gender journey my therapist recommended I make. Mostly about gender stuff but also anything else. Feel free to keep reading but keep in mind it’s going to be my unfiltered, personal thoughts.

Not much to report, really. But I DID go to Spirit Halloween and get some stuff on sale! I got a cute choker, and some new fishnet leggings so now I can turn my old ones into a top. I had to stop myself from getting any fairy or angel wings because I was already getting so much (I may have indulged just a bit). I also got this cute vintage style witchy hat which I think is going to become my new personality (entering my Snufkin era)

I ALSO GOT A CORSET! I've wanted one for so long! It's a cheap Spirit Halloween one, but it's mine. It doesn't quite fit the best because I think they're expecting people of my size to have much more ahem chest than I do (maybe one day). It doesn't give as much of a figure as I hoped but that's probably good for the first time. And I think I might've laced it a little too tight the first time because I'm still learning how to wear it properly. I'm pretty sure I'm fine. It felt tight, but never got to the point of painful (though some of my ribs are a little sore). I'm honestly a little more concerned with the ribs of the corset getting bent out of shape.

Well if it doesn't fit right, it was at least fun. Plus it still looks cool. I have a friend who makes her own corsets. Maybe I could get her to tailor it if I work up the courage to ask?

Still planning on changing therapists soon too. I wonder if it's rude to tell a therapist you're looking for other therapists?

Also, I shortened my list of potential names (then proceeded to add two new ones)

[genderjourneyjournal]

Gender Journal Day #72

Date 10/31/24

This is a personal journal about my gender journey my therapist recommended I make. Mostly about gender stuff but also anything else. Feel free to keep reading but keep in mind it’s going to be my unfiltered, personal thoughts.

Happy Halloween!!!

Unfortunately, my dad was home so I did not get to dress up cute. Which is unfortunate because I really wanted to do makeup to make myself look like a deer. I also have a black dress that’s kinda witchy and would’ve been perfect. It’s a little too boring to wear normally until I learn how to accessorize it properly but for Halloween it would’ve been great.

Didn’t see the cute comics shop boy today (sadge) but I made a doctor’s appointment (yippee).

I also had a good cry over the few pictures I took of myself where I actually feel pretty. It’s so hard to believe the good things about myself, but I want to believe. And that’s what I think is important.

[genderjourneyjournal]

Gender Journal Day #71

Date 10/30/2024

This is a personal journal about my gender journey my therapist recommended I make. Mostly about gender stuff but also anything else. Feel free to keep reading but keep in mind it’s going to be my unfiltered, personal thoughts.

I’m almost certainly going to get a new therapist. I’m going to play out this anxiety thing he’s trying to do but unless he turns it around by then I think I’m going to try someone else.

I feel guilty. I don’t want him to feel like he failed me. He’s a trans guy himself and I thought that would’ve allowed us to really get each other. But it just didn’t happen. Plus therapists specializing in this are few and far between. So it feels a little entitled to be so picky. But even when I’m telling him “I don’t feel like you’re giving me what I need”. And it sucks because sometimes I wish he’d ask me more stuff directly but when he does that I have so much trouble answering because feelings feel so hard. I wish I at least felt like I was getting some genuine insight from his side. Like I know the session is supposed to be about me but sometimes it feels like I’m talking to a wall that responds in motivational posters.

IN NEW NEWS there’s this guy I like. He was a model in my figure drawing class back in the spring semester. I didn’t try to get too familiar because it felt unprofessional in that context (especially when he’s a model posing for us in the near nude). But I found out he works at my local comics shop. He actually recognized me. But I’m hesitant to make a move. Being in the middle of all this gender stuff, it feels like lying about who I am in a way. Right now, I’m still presenting masculine in public, so I’d have to hope he’s queer and into guys. But if it really does turn out that I’m not a guy (which I almost certainly am not but idk what else I am yet) then I have to hope he is into that too. It also feels like a lot to dump on to a person if you’re just starting to date them. But at the same time I’d really like to have a relationship.

I think I’m going to hope to run into him a few more times before trying to ask him out though. That feels reasonable.

Halloween is tomorrow. I hope my parents are going to be away from the house because then I can put on some makeup when passing candy out. And it’s not weird because it’s Halloween.

[genderjourneyjournal]

Gender Journal Day #68

Date 10/27/24

This is a personal journal about my gender journey my therapist recommended I make. Mostly about gender stuff but also anything else. Feel free to keep reading but keep in mind it’s going to be my unfiltered,

I'm still kinda mad at my therapist. Well, not mad, that's not the right word. Frustrated is more appropriate. I still haven't scheduled that meeting with the specialist he recommended me to because I forgot to do it during the normal business days of the week. Part ADHD making me stupid and part me not wanting to have a phone call about sensitive information while I'm on campus at school. Even if I'm alone.

I tried one of those testing the waters conversations with my dad. A political ad about trans athletes came on the tv. He was very much against it, which was sad to hear. Although, his arguments were more about people trying to play for scholarships and the like. Which I suppose is at least more reasonable. We didn't get too into it because it was late and he said "this is a debate for another time"

Okay. Well, now on to the good stuff.

I suggested doing a "makeup day" with a cis girl friend of mine because we both suck at makeup. (Why can I only seem to make friends with girls who couldn't care less about the normal girly things and can help teach me? Weirdly some of the guys I know blow my girl friends out of the water in makeup lmao) ANYWAYS!! My friend seemed really genuinely interested about the idea, which was nice. It made me feel included. I'm not sure why but "included" feels like the right word. Like, I guess, they see me properly, and are treating me how I wish I could've been treated.

It's nice because there wasn't as much of a shift in how they treated me as I hoped/was expecting, when I came out as gender questioning and wanting to explore. Especially since they jumped straight from questioning to "she/her = girl" but I rolled with it. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. They aren't mind readers, and I guess it's better that they continued treating me as the person they knew rather than what my gender is.

I've also been considering trying a Rose Quartz or Pink Haired Mystery Girl from Steven Universe cosplay. Maybe the second one because I don't have the bust for Rose yet. (But maybe it could be an excuse to buy a silicone breast form?) Steven Universe has always been important to me because it helped lead me into the LGBT community and discovering that I'm bi. Also, the choices for bigger women to cosplay are slim, especially for ones with wider shoulders. Not to mention, most of those options are muscle mommies and I am not ready to get that jacked. Another option is Falin from Dungeon Meshi. Seeing so many people depict her as chubby but in a realistic way that isn't fetishizing or demeaning has been really nice. I wish I could come off as sweet as her.

Le sigh. I wish I had a girly Halloween costume ready. (But like where would I even wear it? )