genderjourneyjournal

[genderjourneyjournal]

We have always existed, and we always will.

[genderjourneyjournal]

Trans Fashion tips

These are actually non basic clothing tips that can definitely help you

[genderjourneyjournal]

So when I was in middle school and realized I'm not straight I remember feeling so alienated in public discourse because gay people were treated as a culture war talking point. and we would have literal school assignment debates in class on whether people like me should have rights. Very few people Knew this about me outside a couple friends but it felt like gay people were treated as a theoretical concept and not actual living human beings who could be sitting in the room while non gay people discussed if they should be allowed to live. I would go online and see such undisguised virtriol about people like me-- even 'allies' seemed to treat me as a Concept or Political Ideology instead of a person. It's such a bizarre feeling, but as the years went by at least people seemed to see me as a human being who could exist and maybe be in the room while talking about this kind of stuff. The feeling of being An Ambiguously Real But Conceptual Forcibly Politicized Entity slowly went away. So it is nostalgic in the absolute worst fucking way possible to be trans right now and feeling the exact same thing I felt back then.

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nvm I wanna show trans cat girl Wip, she's fun to draw

[genderjourneyjournal]

When I started my transition and began to come out to a few more folks than the tiny few that knew about me, there was something I kept saying as a part of my spiel…

“This is what I am, not who I am.”

I think I believed it fully at the time.

But then the interaction in the comic above occurred this past summer and completely changed my mind.  Sure, being trans is something that I just am, but it’s also something that can be part of who I am as well. 

Seeing that kid completely light up the way they did sparked in me a desire that I really didn’t think I’d ever have.  Suddenly, that kid made me want to be visible.

Like the comic says, I wasn’t ready to be publicly out so I felt safer lying about myself at the time, but I truly hope that the next time I’m up there they have the opportunity to see me…

…a transgender person who’s included and having fun, just like we all should be.

[genderjourneyjournal]

A cis woman tells me that maybe she should transition to gain male privilege as I'm recovering from getting beaten up in the men's bathrooms.

I tell her to be my guest and give me a call when she gets her jaw broken, I always carry a first aid kit and a pepper spray.

She calls me a misogynistic asshole.

A cis man tells me that he'd sure love some T.

Gave him my prescription and best of luck with the constant shortages and getting denied.

He calls me a pussy.

I'm fighting for my life and reproductive rights. I get told to get off women's fights, that it's not about me, like I shed my womb after my first T shot.

I search for support groups for SA victims, and I'm stuck in the same “women/NBs only”. Still shooting my shot, send an application. I introduce myself. Never get a call back.

I go to a trans night. Say I go by he/him. Get told back “yeah, that's how we all start !” by a trans woman. I'm too exhausted, I get up and I leave.

I hang out with my friends, one of them drunkenly says masculinity is a prison we must learn to escape. She gets rows of applause. Back to drinking alone.

Yes I could explain it. But who'd you rather be ? A delusional girl or a man made threat ?Or it could be better, I could just not exist ! And we'd bleach my corpse and I'd become a casualty. Not an F, ot an M, a W for Wound and for Wrong.

I put a candle on a single cupcake, 2 years on HRT. I blow it in the dark. Curtains closed like casket.

[genderjourneyjournal]

Gender Journal Day #161

Date 1/30/2025

This is a personal journal about my gender journey my therapist recommended I make. Mostly about gender stuff but also anything else. Feel free to keep reading but keep in mind it’s going to be my unfiltered, personal thoughts.

I had an anxiety attack today :)

I overslept until 1:30pm. It’s almost exactly 1:30. I set an alarm then wake up, I lay back down and accidentally fall back asleep until 1:30. Idk why

Luckily I don’t have class tomorrow. We have to do this sort of introductory presentation about our art career and where we hope to be. It’s hard because I’m already behind on certain parts about it, or at least I feel that way, and I really don’t feel like I’m worth talking about. It just feels like I’m a two-bit mediocre artist who can barely finish a piece.

I’ll try to get through it though.

I finally reached out to a new therapist. Unfortunately she couldn’t schedule me until May. I’ll try again I suppose. It doesn’t feel like my current therapist is taking my feelings seriously.

And right now, it’s hard to feel like there’s a possible future. I want to work in animation, but that industry is kind of a complete hot mess right now. And my country seems to be turning to fascism more and more everyday. It really feels like society forced me to detransition before I could even figure out if I wanted to transition.

It feels like I’ll have to fight for so much to ensure my country can have a future, but I can barely manage to get out of bed most days. I can’t even take care of myself. I don’t want to sit on the sidelines while people are being put into camps but… idk. I guess it’s just how tired I am and my brain always fucks up the priority of things so it makes it so hard to work on. I’m no hero. I’d like to be but I’m not. But I can try to survive. If surviving is a form of resistance then I can survive. That’s something I can make sure to do.

[genderjourneyjournal]

anyone else need a hug so fucking bad. anyone else feel crushingly empty inside. like physically. or is it just january again

[genderjourneyjournal]

girls be shaving

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honestly I hate how the "amazon basics skirt and thigh socks" thing went from an in joke that gently teased baby trans girls and encouraged them to get bolder and develop their own sense of style to a much more universal and mean spirited put down coming from people who don't understand how that phase of trying the easiest feminine clothes you can get your hands on in the safest place possible is nevertheless important for so many trans girls

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>:(

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does anyone wanna hold hands until we feel a little braver

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remember that the greatest activism you can do in these times is to thrive. find joy in the world and your communities. connect with yourself, your identitiy, and your community. they want to tear us down. living despite it all, and better yet succeeding, loving, enjoying our life is the biggest "fuck you" any of us can give to bigotry, facism, and the rest of it. do what you can. take care of yourself. that is activism.

[genderjourneyjournal]

I'm so serious about being kind above all else. it has genuinely changed the way I interact with the world on a fundamental level and has made me so so much happier.

[genderjourneyjournal]

Gender Journal Day #160

Date 1/29/2025

This is a personal journal about my gender journey my therapist recommended I make. Mostly about gender stuff but also anything else. Feel free to keep reading but keep in mind it’s going to be my unfiltered, personal thoughts.

I wish I could experience being treated like a woman just so I can see the positive sides of femininity. I think that'd help me understand my gender more because I feel like whenever I hear people talk about what it's like to be a woman it's always something negative or a caveat to a negative thing. Rarely does anyone casually bring up the good parts of femininity that are kind of exclusive.

The problem is I'm afraid I won't get to experience this because I don't pass as female. And if I go through the effort of becoming a passing cis girl before I decide, it kinda defeats the purpose. Like right now I'm identifying as a demigirl which I feel leaves me as a weird outlier, and even identifying as a trans girl I'm still afraid of feeling othered. What's worse is that I think I'd be very comfortable presenting in a butch way. Letting some of those masc elements shine through. I want to feel cool, and punk and capable and maybe a little gothic. But until I pass people might just see me as a guy, especially with my voice.

I just started the semester and my Drawing II class was all women or at least femme presenting people... except me. Because I'm still presenting as a "guy" I just felt like this massive outlier. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. I was screaming out from the inside "no, I'm one of you! please see me as one of you! I'm not a threat. I'm not a man invading women's spaces. I'm one of you. Let me in to the inside."

Especially when our teacher wanted us to pass around the syllabuses. I was sitting at a table in the back row with another girl. The girls at the row in front of us passed the stack of papers across the isle and on it's way back to the front of the room, skipping us in the back row. The other girl sitting with me at the table had to walk up to the front of the room when the papers made their way back to the teacher and grab them for us so we could have our syllabuses. That definitely felt passive-aggressive. I couldn't help but feel like it was partially because I looked like a man. It didn't help that the other girl at my table had a heavy alternative style and the girl at the other back table was a POC. Honestly, just felt like bullying.

It's odd because I know feeling awkward in this situation makes me look like I'm a weird creep. But if I try to act confident like I belong there, that also might come across as threatening and intimidating. And it might just make me look like a man.

I'm so tired of feeling like I'm on the outside.

Good news though, today I reached out to a new therapist. I've been unhappy with my current one. I hope she gets back to me soon.

[genderjourneyjournal]

a lot of misogyny just revolves around gatekeeping womanhood from certain types of women, a thing people only do to people who would otherwise be recognized as actual real women if they didn't violently enforce standards of true and protected womanhood

[genderjourneyjournal]

reminder to trans, nonbinary, and any other non-cis people in the usa: there are people that love you and care about you. things are going to be okay, please don’t do anything drastic. i know things are scary right now but your lives are all worth so so much. don’t let him win. i love you