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Gender Journal Day #33

Date 9/20/2024

This is a personal journal about my gender journey my therapist recommended I make. Mostly about gender stuff but also anything else. Feel free to keep reading but keep in mind it’s going to be my unfiltered, personal thoughts.

Well, we’re doing a bit better on the therapy front. Did I mention this? I meant to journal about this but just in case. So I have been feeling out of sync with my therapist. Like he’s just not keying in on what I feel like I need, and that with him I’m really not making any progress.

This sort of came to a head for me when two weeks ago, at the end of session, he brought up laying out a plan for going forward. It really felt like the intention was the type of plan of “when to come out to x people” “when to start changing documents” “when to start presenting differently”. Looking back now, I don’t think that’s exactly what he meant, but to me that’s how it came off. It sort of triggered me I guess? “Triggered” feels like a bit of a heavy word for it but that’s the best I can think of. Anyway, it just felt a bit forward, a bit fast, for what I was feeling at the moment. It felt like he wanted to start recommending endocrinologists, when I was barely even sure what gender I am. And figuring that part out, who I am, is much more important to me. That’s what I’m focusing on.

My therapist brought that up at the end of the appointment. So at my last appointment (the very next one) I kinda dug in. I told him it felt like we weren’t on the same page. I tried to describe to him how I don’t feel like I know who I am right now beyond even the gender. I think I learned some things about myself when venting all that out.

I’m not sure if my therapist 100% got what I wanted to get across, but he seemed to learn something. Apparently, I come off as a bit slow when speaking in our sessions because my therapist thinks my seizures from a few years ago might’ve affected me more than I thought. So now I’ve gotta talk to my neurologist about that.

Unrelated to therapy, there is some other gender stuff. I find that whenever people use “he/him” for me at school, it’s just starting to feel… more wrong. I’m getting a stronger instinct to correct people I’m not out to. And it does feel really nice when my friends, and my friend’s friends who know me even less, use “she/her” for me. It just feels nice that they’re bothering to do that. Like, I don’t pass at all. I can’t even make an effort most of the time because of my parents, but still my friends refer to me as “she/her”. I’m not sure if they’re treating me like a girl or not. They could just not care much for gender roles because all my friends are queer so.

It’s nice.

And it’s getting closer to ren faire when I’ll finally get to try presenting feminine in public for the first time :>

[genderjourneyjournal]

pros of having boobs: can touch boobs whenever I want cons of having boobs: they're attached to me

[genderjourneyjournal]

Gender Journal Day #23

Date 9/10/24

This is a personal journal about my gender journey my therapist recommended I make. Mostly about gender stuff but also anything else. Feel free to keep reading but keep in mind it’s going to be my unfiltered, personal thoughts.

Well, today is a bit of a happier one. I think I actually made some friends yesterday at school :) Like we swapped discord names and everything. They told me my discord pfp passed the vibe check.

I was a little bummed that I couldn’t participate in my school’s Pride club because it conflicted with my Monday class. And I joked that we made our own, cooler pride club in this Monday class. One of them even parroted the joke when they invited me to the discord for the club. That was nice :)

It was interesting because one of them did ask my pronouns. I said any bc that’s kinda what I’m doing rn in public. I told them it was a little transient rn with that. And they were like “okay they/them, got it” which is a pretty fair just “any” pronoun. But I didn’t like they/them as much as I liked she/her with my friends.

I’ll have to talk about that with my therapist I guess.

[genderjourneyjournal]

Gender Journal Day #18

9/5/24

This is a personal journal about my gender journey my therapist recommended I make. Mostly about gender stuff but also anything else. Feel free to keep reading but keep in mind it’s going to be my unfiltered, personal thoughts.

My therapist thinks it’d be good for me to seek out some trans support groups. I can’t see the one he hosts because it conflicts with one of my classes. Which sucks because it was actually kind of fun the last time I went. I never expected to be a group therapy person. The downside is that the closest ones are in towns/ cities that are like 45+ minutes away. My schedule is already packed.

There’s also a whole bunch of problems with just going. Like most are in the city but I don’t feel super safe driving up and going by myself. Especially at night. Also, I’d feel super awkward there. I’d probably freeze up because I don’t know the social rules and I’m super awkward and ugh. My therapist recommended bringing a friend, but I don’t have many good candidates. Like my one friend who’s been super supportive is trans masc not trans fem. So it’d be weird to bring him along. I have a couple friends who are some type of NB but I don’t know them that well that way. So it’d be a little weird to ask them to go to a support group with me. And the rest of my friends are Cis so it’d be weird to have them come.

Also, my therapist recommended I do this so I have trans fem people to help me with the trans fem stuff. But like if they’re support groups then idk what they’re gonna cover? Would it be appropriate to ask that kind of stuff? Like the things I’d want help with are like, hair and makeup and stuff. I’d feel more comfortable having a friend help me with that then idk people at group?

And my therapist wanted me to make friends this way. But would it even be ok to ask to keep in touch with these people outside of the group? That feels like an invasion of privacy. Maybe it depends on which group? Idk.

…. This is hard. Why is it so hard?

I had stuff happen today too. Recently it’s been feeling not so good when people use he/him for me. My friends are always so nice using she/her for me and idk I guess he/him is just finally starting to feel wrong in comparison? But today I was at the doctors and the receptionist was trying to tell me my driver’s license photo wasn’t that bad (she was being nice. It’s a horrible picture. My friends have an in-joke where we call it a White Man Jump Scare). She said I was still a very nice, handsome man in the picture. I think that sentiment didn’t feel great hearing it at first but… now I’m not sure how to feel about it? I don’t know what that means.

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[genderjourneyjournal]

That’s- actually genuinely kinda helpful

We all know the "if there was a magic button" exercise for questioning your gender, but I kinda wonder if it'd be helpful to turn the question inside out.

like "There's a magic button that gives you $50 but also permanently bars you from any kind of transition. If you push it, you will never be referred to with new pronouns or a new name, you can never take hormones or have surgery, and you can't do voice training. You will always and irrevocably be seen as the gender you were assigned."

if any of those conditions gave you a little twinge of sadness to think about, maybe keep asking questions. i love you 💖

[genderjourneyjournal]

Gender Journal Day #12

8/30/24

This is a personal journal about my gender journey my therapist recommended I make. Mostly about gender stuff but also anything else. Feel free to keep reading but keep in mind it’s going to be my unfiltered, personal thoughts.

First week of school semester was good. I was ✨daring✨ and actually said I use any pronouns if they asked that on syllabus day. Which only one class asked for and I did kinda say it kinda fast and quiet and people will probably still use he/him for me anyway… it’s a start. I met some cool people. Hopefully I won’t be super awkward and can make some friends.

I was at home by myself the other day. I think it was… Tuesday? Anyway, I took the opportunity to actually put on a little makeup. Nothing much but just a little something for me because it’s been a while since I’ve worn makeup. I don’t know what it is but a lot of times when I catch myself in the mirror while wearing makeup I kinda just end up staring. I just like looking at myself while I’m wearing makeup. Not like I think I look really attractive but it just… feels good to look at myself. I don’t know why it feels good.

I might try to find a new gender therapist. I feel like I need help with a lot of the emotional stuff and my therapist is just… not helpful with that. I’m just not feeling it. It’s awkward being in therapy as an adult because I’m no longer a moody teen and I actually kinda care about how people feel now.

[genderjourneyjournal]

My dad came home while I was girl-moding and I had to run up to my room really fast to take my boobs and cute shorts off :(

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Gender Journal Day #8

8/26/24

This is a personal journal about my gender journey my therapist recommended I make. Mostly about gender stuff but also anything else. Feel free to keep reading but keep in mind it’s going to be my unfiltered, personal thoughts.

man I suck at keeping up with these things

Well first the upsides ig. I've found that when my friends use "she/her" to refer to me... it feels good. It used to be just meh, then I noticed wanting to correct people when they used "he/him", now "she/her" is actually kind of starting to feel good. I helps when even the friends of my friends who I've only known for a bit use my pronouns. Especially because the pronouns are the most I've done with gender stuff (at least that goes beyond my bedroom). I know i wouldn't pass rn so it's nice they still recognize it.

Bad stuff now. I feel like me and my therapist aren't really connecting. He wants me to practice asserting myself because it's going to be important for if I actually transition. I've been alright asserting myself just in general but I've never been in a harassment situation. I know what I'll do if that does happen though.

Problem was he wanted me to practice asserting myself at home. Just with like little things. But my parents are volatile and have already threatened me with homelessness once and that has remained on the table since then. I know what he's trying to get at because not feeling like I can express myself at home has been a major roadblock towards exploring my gender. It's hard to try a different gender presentation when I feel like I can't even do something as simple as a little dance in the kitchen without my family pointing at me and making me feel like a freak. But I can't try to push back against stuff like that because my mom laid into me about being lazy the one time I asked her if she could do a chore for me literally because I was too busy with finals week schoolwork.

I just spent a long time trying to lay that out to him. Maybe I was getting a little too emotional about it. Idk I just feel like we aren't really in synch with each other to a point where he can be helpful. I guess I was hoping for someone with a more gentle approach. It doesn't help that I have like a million things I should be in therapy for and it's probably hard for him to focus in on anything.

I was kinda hoping to find a female therapist. Honestly because I think I was hoping to have someone who could show me "girl stuff" like just putting my hair back into a ponytail. None of my friends are really good at that. And I can't ask my parents. i never could really.

[genderjourneyjournal]

C’s Gender Journal Day 3

8/21/24

This is a personal journal about my gender journey my therapist recommended I make. Feel free to keep reading but keep in mind it’s going to be my unfiltered, personal thoughts.

Missed a day already. Whoops. I was never good with daily journals. Anyways. Had to sneak my new clothes in but 99% sure no one saw. Today I helped a friend put in a new door handle that locks. Made me feel very butch 💪. I’ve been thinking about that. Being butch as a gender identity. It’s just weird because I’m Bi and not really sure about if I’m even on the feminine side of the gender spectrum. Like I know there’s people who do it but still. It’s like. It’s just weirder when it applies to me you know? I’m supportive of using weird labels. In fact I kind of encourage the label fuckery. But it feels different to fuck up your own labels. I just- I don’t think I feel secure enough to do that kinda thing I think?

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Gender Journal #1

8/19/24

My therapist recommended I keep a daily journal about gender stuff. So I’m starting it here. I’m gonna say whatever I want so if you wanna see my deep inner thoughts go ahead. But be warned I’m gonna be unfiltered

So I got careless. I put a pair of my panties in the wash and my mom found them. I had to lie and say they weren’t mine. My mom thinks there’s like a 50/50 chance of me being trans and I just did the no pants dance with someone. I don’t have good control of my facial expressions so apparently I was smiling.

The one good part of that conversation is at least I got the feeling that my mom is more chill about that kinda thing. Like I always knew but like, now I feel a little better about maybe coming out and being able to explore my gender identity openly. Although I’d still rather smash my hand with hammers than have THAT conversation with them. Much less actually let myself be perceived by them. Especially in a vulnerable state. What do I do if they say something good about me? They threatened to kick me out over wanting to take a break from school when Covid broke out. Like I ever had much of a choice anyway. And they still haven’t apologized how fucked up that is. And I’m not sure they ever will.

What do I do if they’re helpful? If they say something nice to me?

At least I get to go clothes shopping with a good friend tomorrow. That’s nice