gbmabitch - Tumblr blog

[gbmabitch]

[guy who already transitioned, watching I Saw the TV Glow]: fuck, I gotta transition

[gbmabitch]

the constant labour of having stuff to do but just not getting to it because of lack of urgency is so real

[gbmabitch]

me when. me. i

One thing I really like about I Saw the TV Glow that I don't see people talking about is the specific tone that "there is still time" takes on in it. Lots of people talking about that line ofc, but I see everyone talking about it as though it's unambiguously and only a message of hope.

The obvious thing to take away from "there is still time" is of course that you can still save yourself. As long as you haven't died yet, you still have a chance. You don't have to die like this. You can still live your life. And that's not not the point of the line ofc, but I'd argue it's missing something, and that's that you haven't left yet.

This is the movie about the fear of the known, the horror of there being no monsters, the fear of waiting. And in that context, a message of reassurance that I can afford to wait a little longer is awful! I don't want to wait any longer! I know I'm going to wait for as long as I can, but I want out! Obviously it's better than not having any time at all, but only because that would be the train hitting me. "There is still time" means I'm standing on the tracks like a deer in the headlights, and the train might be miles away but I can see it and I can feel in my bones that I can't move yet - or that I won't - and a voice tells me that I'll be fine, I can afford to stay on the tracks a little longer, it'll be fine, I'm not dying yet, it's fine, there is still time, but every second I still have time is a second I still can't breathe.

I've lived my entire life haunted by deadlines and the lack thereof, and to me the phrase "there is still time" contains just as much dread as the rest of the movie. If there weren't any time, then I could just, I dunno, power through it. I've written enough essays the night before, it's not fun, I hate it actually, but as long as I still have time I know from experience that I'm not going to do it yet. If I were on my deathbed then I could just make my dying words "I was a girl the whole time" and I wouldn't have to deal with any of the consequences because I'd be dead. In a way, that's the easy way out. Which, y'know, is the whole point! If I wait until I don't have any time left to start living, then I almost may as well have not done anything! That's what the movie is scared of.

I do actually have time, it is genuinely fine if I don't do anything right this second, or tonight, or this month, but how many years do I want to let that add up? I don't want to spend another year like this, much less ten! The scary thing isn't the idea of "dying like this" - how I am at the moment of my death is almost immaterial compared to how I am in all the years I'll have before then! The scary thing is every day I spend being like this, and none of them individually are all that scary but all of them is terrifying! I can't believe that I don't have time because it's not true and because then I'd be so paralyzed with fear and despair I wouldn't do anything, but if I actually fully believed that I did have time, I'd do what Owen did!

The more I think about it the more odd it seems that people are latching onto the phrase "there is still time" as a message of hope. It is pretty objectively a true statement in this context and it's even pretty inarguably hopeful, but it's also kinda obviously a phrase that can only be meant to encourage inaction. The point of it is that you don't have to do anything (yet). In a movie that we can all see is clearly about how you need to do something! It's created a fascinating environment where people say "There is still time, so go on hrt today!" seemingly without spotting any contradiction! If there's still time, I may as well start tomorrow, right?

Yes, if you don't believe you have time, if you believe your life is already over, then you're probably not going to do anything to improve it, but equally as much, who would ever take a risk to improve their life now if they think they have all the time in the world?

[gbmabitch]

i was so disturbed by it in the best way i cannot fathom people laughing at it, not once did i feel the need to laugh cis people are so fucking oblivious

the public reaction to i saw the tv glow is like a perfect case study into how cis people take up queer spaces and unknowingly mock and enjoy trans suffering. sitting in the theater, i had a pit in my stomach the entire time. so many times, i would tear up and then someone else in the theater would laugh. and i wouldn’t cry because how would they look at me when the lights came back on? because they don’t see it. they don’t see the pain. they think it’s funny. i left the theater completely silent, not saying a word to my boyfriend and he didn’t say a word to me until partway into the drive home. the people around us immediately got to picking it apart, explaining what it all meant to each other, dumbing it down, making theories. cis people see the the movie, just like transness, as something to debate. a conversation. something to dissect because it makes them uncomfortable if they don’t understand it in their easily digestible way.

[gbmabitch]

i just. when owen tried on isabel's magic dress and maddy blushed and smiled and hid in her hand. the intimacy in how she drew the symbol on the back of owen's neck. an out lesbian showing those feelings for a closeted, pre-transition trans girl who doesn't even seem to know that's true of herself yet. knowing her before she knows herself. don't speak to me i'm literally dust on the floor

[gbmabitch]

holy shit

there is still time

[gbmabitch]

this isn’t normal. this isn’t how life is supposed to feel. if you don’t think about it it can’t hurt you. I found our hearts and they were still beating. there is still time.

[gbmabitch]

watched i saw the tv glow the other day

[gbmabitch]

there is still time. there is still time. until your bones are in the fucking ground there is still time.

[gbmabitch]

I Saw the TV Glow (2024) dir. Jane Schoenbrun

[gbmabitch]

can't stop thinking about this movie tbh..

[gbmabitch]

my kipperlilly piece for @phosilli ‘s trg stickerbook zine!!

[gbmabitch]

Sorry for commenting “nightmare blunt rotation” on your Facebook photo album from your baby shower

[gbmabitch]

NOW REPEAT IT BACK: BEING GOOD IS STALE.

[gbmabitch]

oh meta ai thanks you're the loml

[gbmabitch]

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[gbmabitch]

born to marry hugh dancy forced to do everything else