gayandthecityblog

[gayandthecityblog]

Assumptions

One day last week, my roommate invited someone over randomly after bumping into them at the new Harry Potter pop-up. For privacy purposes, his name's going to be Tristan. The roommate that did the bumping let's call Shelly. Now, while Shelly did ask another roommate if it was cool, she didn't send it in the group chat to let the rest of us know. This really isn't that big of a deal considering, but the house was a mess; a complete and utter mess. Tristan didn't mind of course, but I did. I was brought up with the idea that before anyone can come to the house it would have to be clean. There were some exceptions. Case in point, friends you've had for five years, but if we were having a legitimate get together I still had to help clean the house. While your guests may not care about the state of your house, it still reflects on you. At least, that's what I've always thought. They all showed up, and Tristan walked in wearing a pentagram necklace and a muscle tank that had a flaming pentagram on it. My first thought, "Damn. This dude's cool as hell." Turns out he was, cool that is; at least by my standards. He has a whole rock and roll vibe about him. Then he mentioned he was scared of spiders and snakes. I wasn't shocked like "Oh my GOD!" but I was a little taken a back by it though. He just didn't seem to be the type to have those fears and I told him that. His response, "Well, that's an assumption." He was right. It was, and I told him he was right. It wasn't your typical run of the mill response you'd expect from someone, but that's also an assumption. He actually got me thinking about how many assumptions we make in our daily lives and posed the question, do we all just make assumptions based off what someone wears? Then comes the caste system. The rich v. the poor is a constant dilemma that's lasted all throughout society and her many lifetimes. We used to be able to tell who was royal based off what color clothes they would wear as purple dye was harder to find, and thus purple clothing was rare and expensive. Nowadays we have patent leather, silk, and monochrome outfits thanks to the "Kardashians" and the many pop culture trends they inspire. Because of this, we begin to assume someone has money based off the clothing they wear, the things they buy, and what they choose to share to the outside world.   Not to mention that with the help of the internet, it's gotten easier to insert ourselves into the lives of others and make assumptions based on the content created when in fact that their life is rarely anything like what they post. It seems that making assumptions comes naturally, but say what if we look past the assumptions we make about others and choose to see them for how they really are. Maybe then, we can begin to move past the stereotypes and ideals that have been ingrained within us for generations.

-Jacob Terry  

[gayandthecityblog]

Inhibitions

Last night while dancing in the Washington Square fountain, I started to think about inhibitions. Where do they come from and why do we have them? We’re completely free as children when it comes to instinct. If we want to cry, we cry. We create entire scenarios and worlds based off of whatever we choose. We don’t care to make a fool of ourselves as long as we complete our objective. So, why after years of being who we are and learning about ourselves do we get more and more restrained? 

Of course, you have those that naturally do what they want and usually end up succeeding when it comes to their choices. They’re carefree and bold, but sometimes we label them as insecure and attention seeking. We’re taught so early that if you don’t follow the same path as everyone else, you won’t make it to where you want to be. It’s funny to think about because everyone’s paths are always going to be inherently different. Yes, we can end up applying for the same jobs as our peers, but the journey is never going to be the same. So, where did the inhibitions start?

Some say it starts as children, which I feel that with everything whether it be good or bad can start off when we’re kids. I also want to say however that it starts with the adults in our lives; the incessant nagging and rhetoric that comes along with growing up. Yes, of course we need to learn how to behave in certain situations, but isn’t it detrimental to the growing psyche to be told to second guess everything you do and that, “no, you’re wrong. This is the right way of doing things,” is actually harmful in the long run. 

What if we were to say instead of constantly telling the younger generations, “No. You can’t do that,” or, “No, that isn’t right,” we start exploring new ways of teaching and/or discipline. Instead of writing them off right off the bat, why not try to see how they got there in the first place and find out how their brain works. We’re all unique and different when it comes to who we are and how we learn, and our journey of education, whether that be actual schooling or just how to live in general, should try to accommodate that.

That can be a bit of a pipe dream especially with learning institutions, but when it comes to the study of living it’s not just a skip, hop, and a run down the yellow brick road. Life is inherently difficult in and of itself. Yes, there are those born with privilege, and yes, quite frankly, there are those that are never going to experience the rougher side of life; however, there’s nothing we can really do about that tax bracket unless we work in the hierarchy of our own government. 

There is one thing we can do though: we can break generational cycles and teach a new way of living. Maybe then we’ll be less inclined to second guess ourselves and more inclined to trust our instincts and do the things that set us free.

-Jacob Terry

[gayandthecityblog]

Grief

Apparently yesterday, June 26th, was the twentieth birthday of my younger cousin. She passed away ten years ago in 2011. It’s crazy, not because a decade had past, but because I forgot. I forgot her birthday, and it’s shocking to me because we were close. She was our beautiful ladybug; handicapped and happy. At least she always looked happy, until she didn’t. The doctors told us not to expect her to live past six months, but she defied all odds and lived ten years. 

There are always good memories, of course. We went to Disney and Orlando for her “Make-A-Wish” which also comes with the memory of being traumatized while sitting in the JAWS ride. I freaked out and had to have my grandfather sit on me because I wanted to jump ship halfway through the ride. My little cousin couldn’t stop laughing, and neither could any of my other family members for that matter. I don’t remember much of the ride after that, as the next memory in my head is us standing on the dock again where we got on the ride. 

Another memory is of us dressing up for halloween. I was Scooby-Doo. My aunt’s dog was Scrappy. My cousin dressed as a ladybug as they were her favorite. We ended up getting a lot of candy that night, none of which I can remember eating, but I know it was a good bucket full. We also got to experience ten birthdays with her; each one as glorious as the next.

It’s interesting what you do and don’t remember as a child and how that affects your adult life. It seems that everyone remembered her birthday today, except me. Why is that? We were super close and grew up together. I tried to spend a good amount of my childhood time with them. So why did I forget?

Now, I’m not someone who majored in psychology or anything dealing with the brain. As stated before, I’m an actor in New York working retail, but I do tend to think about a lot of things. One of these things being, how does the trauma we experience as children affect us as we get older? I know I’ve already said something along the lines of this in the upper paragraphs, but it’s a genuine question. 

Her death rocked me. It happened a month before my birthday and we ended up holding the ceremony a week and a half before my birthday party. This was the first time I had experienced a birthday without her there and was really the first time I had experienced death on this magnitude. Yes, I had grandparents die when I was around four years old but I don’t remember the grief. This grief, though, stuck with me for years.  

It made me question death and life all in one go. At age twelve, it was a lot. It got less and less dramatic as all things do in time. At least that’s what I tell myself. Maybe I just got better at burying the pain. I don’t experience it like my Aunt does, or how the rest of the adults in my family do. The grief is there, but comes in the style of forgetfulness.

I actually went to a friend’s pride party and ended up talking to a girlfriend of a friend about “Make-A-Wish”. I don’t know how it got into conversation, but it did. I mentioned my terror filled JAWS experience and she mentioned how the breakfast was always five stars. It was easy and light, and maybe, just maybe the grief of it all has left the building. 

There’s no plan for grief and there’s no time limit when it comes to healing. It just does what it does per person that is affected. I haven’t yet experienced the pain of losing a child, and I’m hoping I never will. I’m just hoping that as time goes on, the grief turns into something easier to deal with for those around me. 

-Jacob Terry 

[gayandthecityblog]

The Month of June

The month of June is coming to an end and with it the sporadic pride sales. While some of them were creative, like a certain rainbow swirled themed pair of high tops from a certain shoe store on Broadway, others missed the mark. One store promoted shirts that didn’t even bother with the pride colors and looked like an elementary school kid designed them. Another retailer, which acts as more of a home goods and grocery store than anything else tried their hand at a romper covered in rainbow themed stickers and pride themed graphics. 

These things aren’t bad as each individual person has their own style when it comes to the clothes they choose to wear. Would I personally buy a grey polo with a hidden rainbow under the collar? Maybe. Not likely, but if I were to say wanting to show my pride while having brunch on the corner of 57th and 7th Ave without going over-the-top then yea. I did however buy a black jersey with rainbow decal on the sleeves and the word “Daddy” plastered across the front from Spencer’s because why not.

 I had just received my first dose of the Moderna vaccine, and I tend to shop whenever I get nervous, overwhelmed, or end up just having a very bad day. It was an easy purchase, and I have worn it out since. There is one thing on my mind however as the month comes to an end; what’s going to happen as the year progresses? 

All of the stores will obviously go back to their regular scheduled programming and the stickers on the windows and displays will come down. They would’ve gotten their stock bump and a slight increase in revenue for the month of June, but what about us? Year after year it’s the same thing. Store’s across the world drown themselves in pride décor for the entire month alluding to their supposed ally ship, but when it comes down to it, they’re really just trying to make a quick buck. 

Of course you have those that always donate like Banana Republic, The Gap, Target, and Adidas, but what about the rest. They market to our community for an entire month, but once that’s over we’re kicked to the curb like a pair of last season’s Jimmy Choo’s. We’re no longer the control group. They did their performative act, and for better or worse, usually the latter, it always seems to work. 

Because of this I began to wonder why, and quite simply it’s because we want something that reflects who we are. We want to see ourselves in everyday life through the clothing we choose to buy to what we see in commercials and as characters on tv. For so long we’ve been told to not be who we are; that it’s unnatural and an abomination, so to see ourselves reflected back at us is refreshing. But the stores need to do better. 

Now, we wouldn’t be where we are today without the likes of Marsha P. Jonson, Sylvia Rivera, Harvey Milk, Audre Lorde, Bayard Rustin, and Christine Jorgensen; as well as those of today: Laverne Cox, Alexya Salvado, Arsham Parsi, or Urvashi Vaid. They have all fought for the community and there are always going to be those that fight for the collective, but we as a whole need to do more. Yes, we go to the marches and yes, we sign the petitions, but for those of us that would rather watch than be involved, we need to do better. 

We need to do better for our brothers and sisters that continue to fight for basic human rights. Research where you live and what politicians actually stand for what you believe in, not just the “Pride Month Window Display” ones. Figure out how you can get involved with your community whether it be your school’s GSA or a small group on the town council. Yes, depending on your area, it will be more difficult and scary like that of a young gay boy in a small town in South Georgia, but do what you can. Donate to certain groups like The Trevor Project or GLAAD. 

Do what you can when you can because this is your community. Stay strong and resilient. Be brave and unrelenting. Do what feels right for you. Also, somewhat off-but-on topic, if you’re not ready yet, that’s okay too. Do what you can when you can, and just know that there is a whole family waiting for you whenever you choose. Happy Pride.

-Jacob Terry

[gayandthecityblog]

Security Blankets

It was a busy Friday afternoon in Upper Manhattan, more precisely Washington Heights. The traffic was constant and the sidewalks were packed with people selling vegetables, chicken skewers, sandals, and clothes; each living their own lives with their own stories. I was walking to the Marshall’s two blocks over because while working retail in New York is an entertaining job that pays the rent when split between four friends, it is not a Modani Furniture make.

Was I going to buy furniture, not this time, but I did need to get a couple of gifts for a friend for her twenty-first. I don’t even remember if I put music on to drown out the outside around me, or if I just went straight ahead in my own little world. That’s besides the point. Yes, I was invited to the party, and yes, I did know the birthday girl as she was the one with the invite, but that was it. She was going to be the only person at the party I knew.

Of course, I could’ve gone with a friend except for the fact that everyone was either busy or out of town. It got me a little worried because having a security blanket has been always said to be a good thing whether it be in a social setting or financially. All this reminded me of the other night when I went out to the first in-person showing of “BLOCK”; a film by and starring Carrie Brennan at a cute little bar under twinkle lights and grapevines.

It was a coming-out story surround by a group of lovely queer people experiencing and relating to each other, and I brought a friend. Once we arrived, it was great. We got drinks and mingled. The movie was fabulous and hilarious and dealt with issues we’ve all likely experienced. By the end of the night though, it was almost as if I reversed into the person I used to be. I wasn’t anxious, but I didn’t mingle and I didn’t work the crowd like I usually do when getting from point A to point B. I got smaller and more dependent on my friend, and I began to wonder if security blankets actually do us any good or do they end up reverting us back to the ways we used to be?

We are more likely than not to grow as a person when it comes to getting older and experiencing new things in life. There are, of course, those that refuse to grow and change, but for the eighty percent of us that do change overtime it can feel daunting to go back to a previous mindset. So what do we do?

There are a couple of things we can try to do. We can remove ourselves from the situation and go back to living our normal lives, whatever normal means varying person to person. We can choose to forget about the said incident and ignore it for the rest of our lives. We could also be brave enough to go out there and experience life without the blanket. It definitely changes things.

One thing I’ve noticed is that this happens frequently throughout life. Whether it be starting over in a new city for school or starting a new job, we usually thrive the most when we’re by ourselves because we’re not worried about out-shining or overtaking. We’re just us.

-Jacob Terry