gatheryourpearls

[gatheryourpearls]

On breastfeeding

Dear my ab tub,

My breastfeeding journey for you is coming to an end…it wasn’t without a fight. I provided you with breastmilk for almost 13 months even though we had to supplement. My milk aided you through covid, many common colds, and teething. It provided you comfort during those early morning wake ups. And while I wish I could have provided you more for longer, mommy hung in there the best she could. It wasn’t for lack of trying…my body produced what it could, using the resources it had. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to give you more and for longer. I love you so much my sweetie boy. Mommy loves you so much. I will never forget the tears I cried at six months postpartum when I started my period again and my milk supply began to dip. It was like a personification of my failure. Of how I failed you. Feeding you with my milk has been one of the greatest joys of my life. But it also came with great difficulty. Sitting there for atleast 3.5-4.5 hrs a day to pump 21oz at best, and sometimes 6-10oz… dealing with DMER… being unable to pick you up because I was pumping, even though you were crying, being unable to be the one that sets you down for the night because I needed to pump, all that time away from you so that I could provide you with some form of my milk… in hopes that it helps optimize your development… I hope that you see Mommy’s sacrifice as a worthy one. I love you so much, my sweet baby boy. There are so many times after a pump that I was told “that’s all you got?!” With the subtext of “why do you keep pumping?” or “just stop pumping already , you don’t make enough anyway..” but each time my people-pleasing self pushed back, for you. My breast-feeding journey is coming to end for our chapter here but my love for you has just begun to blossom. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more. I really tried. Mommy really tried.. I hope that one day you’ll understand that, and I hope that one day I’ll look back on this chapter and at myself with kinder eyes. I pushed through because of you. I pushed through because I wanted to, FOR you, my sweet son…my smiley boy…the sweetest, kindest, most cutest, lovely, amazing, so-worth it baby boy. I love you. Mommy loves you. Forever.

Love you,

Mommy

5/18/2025 @ 12:52am

—-

Dear Me,

we promised ourselves to do a pro/con list so here goes:

PRO

-milk for bb (duh lol). Optimal for his brain devt, provides antibodies/defense

-close connection and bond with bb

-helps me feel like a mom

-cheaper than formula

-convenient for feeding/comforting

CON

-DMER/debilitating, make you sit down, make you lose your appetite (only drinking water helped) type of sadness

-time consuming

-nipple pain

-discouraging low yield/bad for morale

-less time with bb, no wind down opportunity unless planned for

-can’t comfort/pick bb up

-inconvenient for time and space/storage and refrigeration

All in all, you tried your best. Even when things were excruciatingly difficult and even painful, you persisted for your son..what a good mama you are. You’re already showing up for bb; that’s what counts. That’s what he will care about. He will see your BF journey not as your low yield, but as your persistence despite your yield..all for him. Or frankly, he might not care hahaha BF has been such an emotional journey from start to finish. From the cluster feeding that second night every 45 min, to the lactation specialist, the lactation cookies, the 3 different pumps, the cracked nipple and nipple creams, the different flange sizes…the supplements and drinks/foods…you gave it your best shot. The pumping 8x a day…to power pumping more times a day than you probably should have and then quickly learning the lesson lol…having the clogged duct the 2 time that was seriously painful. You tried your best. Even though mom told you to stop pumping every chance she got, your inner mama bear said absolutely not. You did the best by your baby with the time, energy, and resources you had. You’ve tried your best and should be so proud of yourself. Even if your son won’t see that one day, you will. You will look back and be amazed at your persistence, your resilience, and how far your love for your son would take you.

You’ve done so well. Now, give yourself permission…I give myself permission to stop pumping, without any guilt, shame, resentment, or negative emotions. I’m grateful for what my body was able to provide for my baby. My body has done so well and i am proud of it. I give myself permission to reclaim my body as my own. I give myself permission to nurture and grow my relationship and bond with my baby outside of breastfeeding.

Thank you, breastfeeding…for pulling me out of darkness in the weeks following birth when the world was dark and I had not yet found my way to my son…thank you for cracking open that light and showing me what a beautiful bond I could have with my baby boy…that my baby boy wasn’t trying to be difficult or overstimulating to me, he was seeking me for comfort, a comfort only I, his mommy, could give him…the countless nights I sat in that rocking chair, petting my baby’s hair, fixing his ear folds, studying his profile…precious moments forever etched in my memory…sweet memories with my special boy. Thank you, body.

[gatheryourpearls]

Time is the one thing I cannot hold onto,

No matter how tight my grasp, it seems to slip through.

We sit and eat breakfast,

I peer at my food then up at you,

My baby boy sitting still in his rocker.

Another bite down, I smile as I look up at you,

Except this time, I see a whole new boy...

One who is not quite as young.

A boy who looks about all of one.

How does time take away so quietly?

I hardly seem to notice that it is done.

So, I study your face, your tempo of breathing,

As you sleep away soundly,

Head in the clouds and dreaming.

My sweet, sweet boy,

The one who has my temper

and your dad's sense of joy,

A life without you? -- how did I ever?

We will grow up together,

So please be patient,

I don’t know everything either,

But I promise to my till the end.

I love you, my sweet boy.

[gatheryourpearls]

My sweet one.

My little boy who I grew in my womb,

You are so worth it.

Even though having you means the nights become day and day remains day.

You are worth every sleepless night.

Oh, how I love you,

My sweet one,

My little one,

My love bug,

My boy.

You are all the goodness in the world.

Your smile renews a joy in me I never thought possible, I didn’t even know I was missing.

3/2/2025 at 10:40pm

[gatheryourpearls]

Hi Boo,

My first boy. My buddy. My gentle, calm boy.

We miss you. It’s been so long since I’ve written about you or to you. It’s not that I’ve missed you any less, it’s just that life is so busy right now. There are times I catch myself thinking of you and I still don’t think I’ve quite wrapped my head around how you…just…stopped existing here with us. One day you’re here, quietly roaming…the next, we are without you. Your very essence is gone elsewhere. It’s so bizarre. So heartbreaking. So earth shattering. I don’t know what to do or how to talk myself out of that spiral.

But, I know I miss you. I don’t ever not look for dachshund things to buy. Thankfully there’s a surprising amount of dachshund decorated things…but none ever quite get your shape down right. We miss you. You would have liked this life. You along with Luna would have gotten so many free snacks your little brother would have thrown away or at you. It would have been perfect…if only you were still in good health. Not like how it was towards the end.

We miss you. We love you. Thank you for touching our lives. We will never forget you. Run free and happily my boy. We will be just fine.

[gatheryourpearls]

My handsome boy,

The carrier of light,

Who sprinkles joy to everyone he comes across,

Tickling their noses with laughter and causing their eyes to fold in at the corners,

Reminding them all that there is good in the world.

The good, my boy, is within you.

Mama loves you so much. Kisses till eternity.

[gatheryourpearls]

On having another…

To my little boy,

To my sweet one.

When I think of the pain that brought me you, it’s overshadowed by the gift that is now you… but that pain is still tangible no less.

It’s a pain I wouldn’t want to experience again were I not assured it would be you on the other side…

But as I sit here, rocking you to bed, our breaths syncing up like our fates did to have you and I paired as mother and son…and I think to myself, after I’m gone, I need to have someone on this earth who I know loves you. Kuv yuav tsum yug tau ib tug ntxim los ua koj luag.

When I think about our now, I don’t want to divide or further share my time with you…but when I think about my end…I cannot leave you here by yourself. I want for you to have someone with whom you have a shared history, who can help you recall how mom made this one dish or how dad always made this one joke, or how tais tais and yawm yawm always snuck you snacks. I want that for you, my sweet baby boy. Mama wants you to know you always have a part of us with you forever. Oh how I love you. My eyes well up at the thought of being without you or the world hurting you and I not being able to do anything to stop it. I’m going to try my best to do best by you.

I love you, my little boy of joy and pure magic. Mama loves you.

[gatheryourpearls]

I sit here with you in the dim of the night,

The world turning round without us...

An image pops up of a pregnant woman, and I'm reminded again at how I grew you in my womb and now you're this miracle, here with us all. Bringing laughter and joy to all those around you.

Sweet kisses on your head --

*muah

*muah

*muah

My sweet baby boy.

I love you so much.

No matter how tired I am,

I don't want to be away from you.

[gatheryourpearls]

I've been fine this whole day...aware, but fine... but just as the sun sets I'm reminded of that day... how we took your last pictures, how the vet came earlier and sooner than we were ready for... how the feeling of "I'm not ready for this" and "this needs to happen" all came to a head.

My sweet fur baby boy. You were such a good boy. You would have loved the life we have now.

We miss you always... but with each passing day, life moves forward...I still have a hard time grappling with the fact that you'll always stay 18...

What a blessing to get 18... but even 120 years wouldn't have been enough.

We love and miss you, Boo. Hope you're up there running free, looking at us lovingly.

I go to my phone but there are no new photos of you...so, I'll choose to look at your sister Luna and embrace the time we have left with her.

P.s. I wonder how your tree is now...

[gatheryourpearls]

Czeslaw Milosz, New and Collected Poems: 1931-2001

[gatheryourpearls]

— via knjfedog

[gatheryourpearls]

I look at him,

And I see a little you

And a little me.

The beginning months were so hard,

You were so small,

You had a hard time understanding life away from me,

And now looking back,

I see it.

The deep sadness that came with my postpartum was my body trying to make sense of my body continuing forward without having you to nurture and protect within the walls of my skin.

Now, there you were, in all your pureness...and I couldn't reconcile how I could possibly protect you always.

I'll find a way. Mommy will always try. I love you, my sweet boy. My sweetheart. My pride and joy.

[gatheryourpearls]

Six whole months! What an exciting time.

I seemed to have gotten lost in the changes that I forgot to enjoy it - the wild ride that is you, growing up right before my very eyes.

And now suddenly, "I don't want to miss a thing" by Aerosmith is the sweetest, most resonant song I've ever heard.

My sweet boy. My child. My baby. I love you so much.

I'll always try my best to do right by you, even when it's hard.

Look at you, growing up so well. Funny and kind. Sweet and charming. Just the best. You are such a sweet blessing to me and daddy. How I have come to love being your mommy.

The early days were wrought with postpartum dread, rage, and depression... but the heavy clouds have lifted enough for me to see you more clearly..my sun. My son.

I love you.

[gatheryourpearls]

When I see you, all I see is the hard earned victories. Your little bright smile is the result of something that is both wholly magical and unique to you, and the result of a mom who loved/loves you so much that she refused to give up. The struggles we shared in getting to know each other makes our now unbreakable bond that much stronger. I love you, my sweet son. My little one. The piece of my heart living outside of my body.

[gatheryourpearls]

To handle you

Has been the greatest joy of my life. The light you bring into daddy and my life is nothing quite like I've seen before.

For you, I'd go through it all again. The pain, morning sickness, mental and emotional anguish,... all of it.

This is why I struggle with the thought of even adding another one... would that take away?

Juggling,

By it's very nature,

will mean that time spent with each one is less than with just one...

Adding more would mean less time with you...

I don't want to miss a thing.

I want to savor each moment with you, watch you grow, grow alongside you, ...my sweet son.

I love you so very much, my baby.

I'm the luckiest mama of the happiest, goodest, most handsome baby boy.

[gatheryourpearls]

Just you and me in this dimly lit room, my son.

I snuggle you as you suckle softly.

I study your face, your little arns, little nose, your soft hair. While the newborn chapter was grueling, this one is so much more fun. We are getting to know one another.

You giggle in your sleep and I wonder what it was. How I want to bottle this moment up...I love you so much, my son.

Mommy loves you more than anything else in this world.

10/2/2024

[gatheryourpearls]

Postpartum diaries, vol. I don’t know:

It hadn't occured to me that people can have a happy postpartum period...where they were "happy campers"... What must that have been like?

I look back on my postpartum like peering into a black hole... not necessarily scary, but definitely not pleasant. This got me reading my old posts and dear girl, I really was in The trenches and I knew it. The deep sadness and despair was so debilitating...it was so hard. And some days here, it's still very hard.

Hearing of others happy experience was so triggering for me…it ignited in me an immense sense of guilt…wondering about then alternative reality of how things could have been for my baby if I were a happier mom post-birth. Looking at his pictures with guilt…feeling like I deprived him of something by having had the experience I had…

Reading the posts back, I just want to tell myself "dear girl, be kind to yourself. You were doing your best. You were praying for days to get better and they will…it doesn’t mean it won’t ever be hard again, but things will get better.”….so I’ll tell myself those things now..

Dear one, things will get better. Be kind to yourself. You’re doing the best you can and that’s enough for your baby. You don’t love your baby any less and your baby doesn’t feel any less loved because of your postpartum experience. If anything, look at how hard you fought to show up for your baby every god damn day DESPITE what you were going through. You should be very proud of yourself.

While not quite out of the trenches, the sun is on the horizon. Morning has come. Your story will serve as another’s guide…in the midst of the scars, only those who have gone through it would understand that it’s something to be proud of.

Those who have never danced with depression may not quite understand how it works…they may perceive it as something to overcome and put behind you instead of an experience that can come and go. I’ve learned that depression gives me a set of glasses with which to see a very specific color in the world…and I’ve found my experiences most useful and cathartic by sharing what I’ve gone through with others…incase it can be of help…incase it can teach someone to be a little kinder to another person next time.

You’re doing great mama.

[gatheryourpearls]

My child that I grew in my womb,

He's the perfect combination of me and you.

How he has your nose,

And how he has my eyes,

I don't think that I've seen a better sight.

And when he grows up,

And we grow old,

I hope he knows where he can always go.

Into our arms,

And within our hearts,

I'll always remember you this little,

My son.

9/7/2024

Age: 4 months, 2 weeks, 5 days.