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I was diagnosed with PTSD recently, on top of my (relatively mild) anxiety and depression.

I never realized I had it and I’m a pretty self-aware kinda girl. But I suppose it makes sense.

I’m working through all my traumatic memories with my therapist, using EMDR. I started this past Saturday, actually, and I can totally see how it is going to change (improve!) so much in my head and in my life.

I made a couple of self help comics before. One about Stress and another about Affirmations. Here’s number three, it’s about Traumatic Memories.

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Another article detailing the subtleties of abusive behavior. My ex did every. single. one. over and over and over again.

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I just wrote a really amazing post and Tumblr somehow screwed it up and now it’s missing.

Thanks, Tumblr. 🖕

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I loved you because I loved you. You loved me because I loved you.

A Excerpt From A Letter I’ll Never Write To A Narcassitic Man Who Will Never Care

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The poison leaves bit by bit, not all at once. Be patient. You are healing. ― Yasmin Mogahed

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Putting this out into the Universe.

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Things are about to change..

After my therapy appointment today, where we did some pre-EMDR work, I cannot help but feel so absolutely hopeful.

I truly believe that the steps I’m taking right now to become a healthier person will change my life in miraculous and profound ways.

I’m looking forward to how my perception of myself, my relationships, and the world around me improves over the next months/years.. I think I’m going to be living in a whole new world soon and that is unbelievably exciting.

Onward and upward!

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Do not ignore the darkness and allow for it to fester. Do not stray away from the parts of yourself that you may not want to look at. You must confront these parts head on, and shine onto them your undying light.

Nicole Addison @thepowerwithin (via thepowerwithin)

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“I forget that I have an obligation to myself to make home deep within my bones rather than deep within people. I have my heartbeats to sing me to sleep and the blood flowing in my veins to keep me warm. I crave the quietness of myself, the way it’s calm even in the midst of the war that’s raging in my mind. I forget that I’m my only enemy but that’s my own making. I save myself everyday, constantly from myself, and I think that’s the biggest accomplishment I could have. Rather than give in to the darkest parts of myself, I bring myself back up. It’s you against yourself. You have to love yourself so much that the thought of letting yourself drown, makes you want to swim.”

tannwalkerr, Writing prompt #55 Write about saving yourself and being your own hero.  (via wnq-writers)

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7am Therapy Appointments Are Seldom A Good Idea

You have to wake up super early (and likely did NOT go to bed early enough the night before or sleep soundly enough to wake up before the sun), battle traffic on the way in, somehow be awake enough to use your brain and spill your guts about super emotional stuff which means your makeup which usually lasts you 10-12 hours only lasts for about 2 and then your mascara runs down your face in such a fashion that you could be mistaken for a member of KISS, then you have to battle traffic again, and then go to work for 8 hours and act like everything in your life is totally awesome so your coworkers don’t suspect you’re a barely functioning adult with a *gasp* mental illness.

It’s exhausting.

But, I’ve had no choice the past couple of weeks and early therapy is better than no therapy, I suppose.

Luckily for me, I wake up feeling vulnerable and emotional. My dreams are often of him and when they aren’t, I often have nightmares. Last night it was about a mass shooting at a baseball game I was attending. (Are Americans the only ones who have nightmares about mass shootings??)

I see my early morning therapy visits almost as a cleansing. Or an act of redemption, not unlike what many religious folks experience during confession or prayer.. Forgive me, Therapy gods, for I have sinned.

And since I’m not religious, I try to make the most of the opportunity by raging out and using every 4 letter word I know against the idiotic morning drivers I have to commute in with. I’m paying for this redemption and I’m going to get the most bang for my buck, damn it. (Mostly kidding. I don’t have road rage but holy fuck are people idiots, especially at 6:30 in the morning and after only one cup of coffee.)

I do love my therapist though. She explains things in a way I can understand.. which means she makes metaphors involving animals and food, my two favorite things in the whole wide world. Yesterday, we spoke about reptiles, bunnies and baby bunnies, eagles, and zebras and baby zebras.

Plus her Argentinian accent causes her to mispronounce things in the most adorable of ways.

For example:

“When you put spaghettis into the garbage disposer, it goes right through. But put an avocado in there, you’re going to have trouble. But it’s not the garbage disposers fault, you see. You just need to chop the avocado into smaller pieces.”

I don’t know if I was the garbage disposer in this metaphor or if i was supposed to be the spaghettis. I think I’m the garbage disposer and I’m trying not to be mildly offended by the shade. And I didn’t dare tell her I’m allergic to avocado.

(Side note: If you put an entire avocado into the garbage disposer, YOU are at fault. Who the fuck puts a whole avocado in there?? That pit would rip up those blades and destroy your entire sink. And then you’d be out hundreds or thousands of dollars and have to live without a garbage disposer for god knows how long. Don’t put entire avocados into the garbage disposer. Throw the pit away separately, dummy.)

“When you’re thinking with your reptile brain, you’re thinking instinctively and not emotionally. It serves a purpose, to stay alive. You react before you even cognitively know what you’re doing because there is a threat and your main objective is to protect yourself.”

In this case, she basically said I have a brain the size of a reptile..

I’m beginning to wonder if my therapist even likes me. She clearly thinks I’m a garbage disposer with a reptile brain who she wants to feed avocados to.. What if she knows I’m allergic?! Is she trying to kill me??

I suppose being a garbage disposer with a reptile brain is better than being a garbage disposer with NO brain. So maybe I should take that as a compliment? Like,”You’re the smartest goddamn garbage disposer I’ve ever seen!”

Yes, that’s how I’ll think about it. You know, PMA and everything.

*Disclaimer: My therapist is a very smart and well-qualified woman whose analogies are actually really appropriate and make total sense. I swear she’s not a quack, despite how I made her sound above. And I don’t think she’s trying to kill me.. I’m not entirely sure about that one but if she ever tries to feed me avocado, I’ll be sure to let you know.

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This sweet baby boy has always had my back. ❤️

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And I made a note to tell my shrink the breaking news that the medical world found the cure for my severe anxiety disorder and the prescription is “Just stop worrying so much.” My God, we’ve come so far with science.

An excerpt from Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson

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I don't want be a bad women And I can't stand to see you be a bad man I will miss your heart so tender And I will love This love forever

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All. Of. These.