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Home

(1/26/2020)

You ever get so anxious about going home that you have a panic attack? Because I felt that. 

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Pansexuality

(12/4/19)

When I first realized I liked girls, guys, and everything in between, the term ‘pansexual’ seemed perfect for me. However, though my attraction has not changed, the word has. Now, to me, I feel so elementary defining myself as pan. It has become apparent to me that others believe “people who are pansexual are basically bi. People who are pansexual are all middle schoolers trying to be ‘quirky’ as LGBTQ+. People who are pansexual are all just in a phase.” I hate how the pride I felt for identifying as pan has become warped into a sense of shame. Now, I just say that I am queer.

But, I did tell my cousin I liked girls as well as boys yesterday (and she took it well!!! Yeah!!!!!). I didn’t even put a label on it, queer or pan, and it was kind of freeing. It made me realize I don’t need a word for everything. I am I.

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Sounds

(11/27/19)

On a happier note--

The other day in study hall class, this kid was making dog-whistle type sounds come out of his phone. The very high-pitched ones that are supposed to hurt your ears. The first one he played, everyone could hear. The second one he played, every single girl in the class could hear it. Every. Single. One. Every boy in the class could not. My teacher said this has something to do with girls being able to hear higher pitches than boys.

I could not hear it. 

I know this is probably coincidental, and some girls will probably not hear it. I don’t know the science behind it. But, I do know it made me feel really validated. 

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Shaving

(11/27/19)

**Trigger warning: self-harm**

So it’s winter time, and winter is one of my favourite months. It means I get to wear pants, which means I don’t have to shave. During the warmer months, my mother will force me to shave and yell at me if I don’t. So, I was keeping my ankles and knees shaved because those are the parts you can see in most my jeans. But, I was really depressed and dysphoric today, shaved a bit too far, and lost all control. I ended up shaving all of my lower legs, then sitting in the shower staring at them. Impulses took over, and I grabbed my razor, slicing my thigh. Thank god it did not make a cut. Unsatisfied, I tried again, but common sense took over and I again did not do it hard enough to cut. Yet, after I realized what I did I just sat in my shower, horror and dread clogging my brain. Yay, dysphoria. 

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Other Things

(10/18/2019)

Other than the bathroom thing, this is what happened today.

1. I am not out to my family. At all. I just got my dress for prom and tried it on. It is one of the most gorgeous dresses I have seen, and it fits me well. But, I hate it. I hate feeling so feminine. I feel guilty, because any girl would appreciate this dress so much. I’d rather wear a tuxedo.

2. My mom asked if one of my friends was gay. I said I didn’t know. So, she rattled off the rest of my friends, asking if they were. I told her one of them was bi, she made a disgusted face. I’m pan.

3. I’m still not out to my family, in any way. In middle school, there was a situation with another girl and my diary which led to my mother reading it and finding out I liked this girl, among other things. Let’s say she didn’t handle herself very well, so I told her it was a phase. I was scared. She asked me today if I was “having those feelings again.” I denied it again. I’m still scared. 

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Bathrooms

(10/18/19)

Today I tied my hair back, wore my binder, had on a masculine outfit. It felt good. But I had to use the restroom in AP biology. The teacher wasn’t in the classroom, so I told my friend where I was going and left. I saw my teacher in the hall and told her I was going to the restroom. She said sure, but that I was going the wrong way. The girl’s restroom is in the opposite direction. My school has gender neutral bathrooms, located in building 8. I told her “I use the bathrooms in building 8″ and she told me “No, your bathroom is this way. Use this one,” pointing at the girl’s room. So, I did. I don’t know why I didn’t stand up for myself. I guess I was too scared. I can’t wait till I can use the proper bathroom without anyone getting suspicious. 

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I haven’t looked into these, but they seem valid.

Tips for Pre-T Trans Guys

Wanna grow some facial hair? Get you some Jojoba oil or castor oil and put it above your upper lip, on your jawline, and on your eyebrows. Give it a few days and you’ll start seeing a difference!

Wanna get buff? PROTEIN. And a lot of weight lifting. Less cardio and more strength training.

Want a firmer chest? Put collagen on your chest every day to tighten and firm the skin. I got mine at Vitamin Shoppe. This will make your Top Surgery a lot easier and will cause you to heal faster/better.

Want a flatter chest? Bench it. All the time. Don’t have a gym membership or barbells? Lay on your back on the floor and lift weights above your chest.

Want more testosterone? Take zinc!

Wanna deepen your voice? Download a voice range app. They tell you how masculine or feminine your voice sounds to others and help you practice deepening your voice.

Have a small chest and no binder? KT tape will do the trick! Put tissue over your nipples or it will hurt like hell when you take it off.

Hope this helps :)

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Misgendering is not up for debate

(10/16/2019) 

I went to a school club yesterday at lunch, and a boy there got two people’s genders wrong. I can completely understand that, but he should have just apologized and moved on. Instead, he kept bringing it up. Him and another girl then started justifying why it was done. Lunch was very uncomfortable.