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frivolity2015 · 6 years ago

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A Look Back at 24, the Men I dated, What I Learned, and Why 25 was a Great Year

I have been meaning to write an entry about what a mess 24 was, how 25 was amazing, and how I hope being 26 this year will enable more growth and be filled with more awesomeness.

A Heart that Loves

I entered the dating game somewhat late in life. I never dated while I was in high school or college, or even pursued dating in general. My first relationship didn’t occur until I was at the ripe old age of 23 and so it goes without saying that I was pretty naive when I entered into it. I was so naive that I expected it to be like a teen romance movie and it didn’t take long before I realized real life is nothing like that.

My first relationship was with Antonio, a classmate and (former) friend from medical school. I had only known him for a few months but we were fast friends and became attached at the hip. When I returned to St. Kitts for my 4th semester, the landscape changed since two of my closest friends were gone and I began to invest more and in my friendship with him. Although I wasn’t initially attracted to him, there was this weird phenomenon where the more I saw him, the more attractive he became. One day in March, halfway through the semester, Antonio led me away from a party to talk and within seconds, we fumbled through a confession that we had mutual feelings for one another.

Things were a bit confusing at first because it was my first time developing genuine feelings for a person, and even more confusing was that that person was a guy. Surprisingly, it didn’t take too long before I felt comfortable telling him how cute I thought he was and how I enjoyed holding his hand under our backpacks while we road the bus home to conceal our intimacy. We even went to our Med 4 Banquet together and coordinated our outfits. That night, I quietly snook out of my apartment to sleep at his place for the first time. I’ll never forget how he looked as he stood over the balcony waiting for me and how he led me to his bed. I felt my head fit perfectly on his neck as we lay there, and so with almost no hesitation, I asked if I could kiss him. He said “yes”, and that was my first kiss. I was in relationship bliss. St. Kitts really was a paradise.

A Heart’s a Heavy Burden

Going to Portland, Maine, was like realizing that the clock had struck past midnight; the fairy tale was over.

I don’t want to get into specifics but it was like the Antonio I knew on the island was replaced but an unrecognizable person. The person who made me feel special only made me feel unwanted. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: there is absolutely no worse feeling than having to convince yourself that someone loves you.

Our breakup occurred almost intermittently over the course of the summer. At first he said he needed a break with very defined boundaries that became less strict. I would occasionally see glimmers of the old Antonio but it wasn’t enough. Because I was so in love with him, I sacrificed so much of myself hoping to be loved by him in return. I over enthusiastically jumped at the chance to visit him in California when he invited me to stay with him and his family. I even thought my arrival there signified that we were a couple again since he planned a photoshoot for us at his favorite beach spot.

However, he put his walls back up as soon as I returned to NJ. He became dismissive and distant again. And then, days after my 24th birthday, he broke up with me through a Facebook message, that I never really recovered from.

When rejected by the person you love most, when betrayed by the person closest to you—that’s when self-abasement begins. You hide in a space that’s all your own, and close your heart.

I’m not a fan of who I became after my first relationship. My self esteem was shot. I was upset. I was angry. I had no one to talk to because I wasn’t out yet.

I like to celebrate my birthday surrounded by love because I really believe that it only invites more love into your year. Unfortunately, I felt unloved heading into my 24th year. Looking back, what I regret the most is how bitter I let myself become. No one likes that taste in their mouth but I couldn’t get rid of it.

It didn’t help that the Jantonio saga took up the majority of the year. I kept going back and forth trying to be his friend and trying to reconcile with him; I kept looking for a closure that didn’t exist. I kept holding onto the hope of us getting back together and that he would wake up and realize how much he loved me. That never happened.

Ultimately, I ended up self sabotaging myself in August 2013, nearly a year after our break up. After a well meaning g chat conversation that he initiated, our friendship was officially over. I even removed him from every social media account. I felt horrible about losing a friend and experiencing something where there couldn't be any absolution but I knew it was what I needed to do. The out of sight and out of mind method worked until a friend told me that he was heading to Chicago. I felt so guilty about the way things ended that I reached out to him and asked to meet up with him but he never replied. I can’t even begin to describe how it felt knowing he was in the same city as me for the first time in over a year and that I couldn’t see him, or reconcile.

Sex in the Windy City

I have to backtrack a little bit here because my saga with Antonio overlapped with my misadventures in Chicago. I moved to Chicago in June 2013 and I was determined to find love, enter a relationship, and finally move on! I decided to try online dating since my friend, Caryn, was so successful on it (and now she’s getting married to someone she met on OKC!).

Online dating is definitely a really interesting experience. I’m glad I did it but I would never want to go through the world of online dating ever again. Online dating felt like I was playing some online game instead of finding a match. It makes you feel shallow, it can boost your confidence, and genuinely creep you out.

I’d like to call the next part of this the “What I Learned” section, full of anecdotes, funny stories, and what I really learned from each guy.

JR was one of the first people that I messaged on OKC. He had a really well thought out profile and he was really good looking. He was a graphic designer, he was Filipino, and he was also a recent transplant to Chicago so I thought we had a lot in common. He was also the first person I asked to meet up so I was beyond thrilled when he said he wanted to hang out. His initial idea of a hang out was to go see a movie (LAME!) but we ended up deciding we would just go out to eat. Since we were both new to the city, we didn’t really know where to go but he lived downtown and figured there would be many options. I drove up to his place to meet him and he made me wait over an hour for him because he was busy getting a haircut (and later I saw that he was taking selfies of himself to later put up on his profile; how uncool!). That should have been the first sign that we were incompatible but I waited for him anyway. He didn’t even apologize for being late! Even thinking about how rude he was gets me annoyed. Dinner was okay and the conversation was actually pretty decent. In the end, he paid for our meal as a means to apologize for making me wait and so I agreed to meet up with him again. I wish that I was strong enough to decline because he ended up being a waste of time. Looking back, I should have seen the signs! He used the same cologne as Antonio and he was also from CA. If he was anything like Antonio, I should have seen that he was trouble.

For our second meet up, we decided to be tourists and go see all the city guide spots. Again, he was late and didn’t even apologize for making me wait for him at his place. He didn’t even help me navigate around the city. Also, he was REALLY boring. Although I found him somewhat eager to talk about himself, he had absolutely no interest in actually making conversation. By the time we made it to dinner, I was miserably bored. He kept talking about how his friends were inviting him to go out that night but he never invited me to join him. I felt dissed and decided it was time to go and he acted surprised when I wanted to leave early.

I learned from JR that I didn’t want to date a guy that was way too into himself. He bragged about how much money he makes, how he was too good for an audi, and how essential he was to his company. He was a true narcissist. If you check out his IG account, it’s full of selfies and his purchases. Yuck. I’ve bumped into him twice since those events. Once at a mall where I was trying to avoid him but he followed me into a store and waited for me to notice him and acted like he wasn’t following me. The second time was after matching. I went out to boystown to celebrate and since I knew I couldn’t avoid bumping into him, I went up to greet him. His first instinct was to mention how Antonio had visited him. Yup! It turns out that Antonio and him had a history. Antonio flew all the way out here to visit him right after out heated break up in August 2012.

Kekoa was one on the reasons why I was excited to move to Chicago. Don’t judge me here, but I actually screened all the cities where I could do my clerkship for which had the most attractive guys. Kekoa's profile was one of the first ones listed in Chicago, and I had an instant crush on him. I wanted to meet him, but I decided I needed to practice talking to other guys online first to not blow my chance with him. His profile included a story about playing a game of Taboo that was so wild that the police were called due to a noise complaint. Luckily I had plenty of experience playing Taboo in medical school because it was one of the only games we had on the island (thanks, Nick’s mom!) and I was able to send a message with more substance than “Hey, what’s up?”. Needless to say, I was ecstatic when he messaged me back and agreed to meet up. Our first “meet up”, as he likes to call it, started at a cocktail lounge, where I got carded and became self conscious since he told the bartender that I looked like a baby. Luckily, our dinner went well, and conversation felt seamless; I even had to excuse myself to put more money into my parking meter. I thought it was a perfect date, but there was some radio silence afterward that made me think otherwise.

Luckily, I’ve learned that persistence is key. Since he wasn’t getting back to me about another date, I made made a trip up to his campus to make it too convenient to see me. I was told that a second date is the true test to see if it’s worth pursuing the person, and this date did just that. I ended up staying the night at his place, and when I awoke the next day, I was worried that I’d have a Bridesmaids moment and be kicked out, but he invited me to get breakfast and taught me how to parallel park instead.

I saw Kekoa once more afterward, and then didn’t hear from him again. I remember reciting a prayer before sending him my third text in a row without a response asking God to inspire him to message me back. I was at work when I received a text from him basically saying that right now wasn’t the right time for him to be in a relationship. Although I accepted his answer, I timidly asked him to message me when he got back if he wanted to reconnect, but I knew that was a long shot and his track record only didn’t make me believe otherwise.

Juan was a nice Mexican guy that I met on OKC. We met up at the mall near me, which was really sweet since he was the first person that didn’t have me drive out to them instead. The first date went well and afterward, he told me he had a good feeling about us and wanted to see where things could go. I was curious too, so I eagerly agreed to another date. For our second date, he picked me up to take me to his favorite spots, which included a late night restaurant in Chinatown and Hollywood Ave Beach. I really appreciated that he wanted to give me insight into his world and that he wanted to share it with me. In the end, I didn’t really have any romantic feelings for him; I didn’t even feel inclined to kiss him or invite him up to my room after second date. I kind of loss interest since I had decided that I wanted to fully focus on Kekoa. I knew it wasn’t going anywhere when he asked if he could call me and I was completely uninterested in the conversation.

I learned that it’s important to be with someone who has more in common with you. Although Juan was nice, his idea of fun was watching drag shows and he worked as a store manager for Party City, so it made it hard for me to relate to him or empathize with him if he had a busy work day.

I bumped into him almost a year later at Scarlet and we both excitedly introduced each other to our boyfriends. I could tell that we were both mutually happy for each other and I really am happy that he’s able to make someone else happy.

Genesis was the first person I reached out to after Kekoa up and left me. I was so desperate to meet someone who could fill the void I felt that I met up with him after a short exchange of messages. I feel horribly shallow about this, but I could tell that I was not attracted to him from the moment I saw him. That non-attraction definitely put a damper on the rest of the date even though he was a genuinely nice guy. For once, I felt like he was trying to drive the conversation more than I was. To be honest he could probably tell that I wasn’t invested.

I learned that I was becoming desperate and that desperation is not pretty. Feeling desperate was even worse than being alone.

Ramil was a Filipino guy almost 10 years older than me. I wasn’t too excited to meet up with him because nothing in our conversations pulled me toward him. Regardless, I was so desperate to meet someone that I said I agreed to meeting up with him. There really isn’t much of a story here but I can’t help but laugh a little when I think back to how taken aback I was when he first opened his mouth and spoke to me. I was so surprised by how (Micky) mousey his voice sounded that I had to have him repeat his hello. Our lunch date was boring and I couldn’t even pretend to be interested.

I learned that I am just as shallow as every other guy out there. I couldn’t get passed the sound of his voice and judged him way too harshly.

Alan(?) was someone I met when I downloaded Grindr in an act of absolute desperation. Clearly, the theme of August was “desperation”. I was pretty optimistic about online dating and didn’t think it would take too long to match with someone. I felt pretty successful with the attention I was receiving from people on OKC and even more lucky when I had found a match in Kekoa up until he vaguely ended things. So I went on a date with someone from Grindr, a hook-up app, who didn’t have a very clear profile picture and it didn’t show his whole face. Big mistake. He must have used an old photo because it didn’t look too much like him. In addition, he was kind of bitchy and I wasn’t into his vibe at all. Obviously, he didn’t make much of an impression on me since I can’t even remember his name.

I learned to never go on a date with someone with just one profile picture. It’s almost a giveaway sign that they’re not going to look like it in person.

Bryan was someone who I was intimidated by on OKC. His profile was highlighted in red because it meant that he didn’t respond often to people’s messages. I figured he could be selective because he must have had a lot of interest thanks to the many shirtless photos he posted (in addition some really good answers in his profile). Surprisingly, he messaged me back! It was an instant ego boost that someone that OKC had labelled “very selective” responded to me.

I picked him up from his work and was happy to see that he looked like his profile picture but I felt tricked as soon as he opened his mouth because it turned out he was a Vietnamese fob with a very strong accent. So in that instant, I became a self hating Asian. Horrible.

Our first date was pretty horrible too. He didn’t know where to go around his work so we ended up at the mall’s food court. The silence was awkward and palpable. I felt like he was just watching me eat and it was like pulling teeth to get him to talk. He finally opened up when we made it to a Starbucks. He was actually pretty interesting even though he was obviously shy. He was born and raised in Vietnam, moved to Singapore for school, continued education in Texas and then moved to Chicagoland because of a job that needed someone who was multilingual.

After a quiet date, he messaged me asking if I would be willing to go on another date with him. I agreed as long as he promised to not be less shy the second time around.

I will use this opportunity to take a break, recap, and try to tie in all these loose ends together

The darkest days in my story of heartbreak culminated during Labor Day Weekend. Kekoa had just ended things with me. I went on several “fail dates” that left me feeling empty, desperate, and ashamed. Needless to say, my self esteem was at all time low, and that’s a considerable thing to say since I had always been very secure in who I am. Things got worse when I received news that Antonio was coming to town. I still remember being at work and feeling my heart race to the point of exhaustion. I was shocked to hear he was coming here. Janet Jackson’s “Again” started magically playing in the background of that moment. I thought I had come to peace that he was no longer in my life since I had a few weeks to heal but I reached out to him trying to make peace. He never replied and I had to accept that I wasn’t going to see him although it left me devastated. This was the same weekend that Bryan asked me out and I was glad to have a distraction.

Bryan brought me to Boystown, the gay neighborhood in Chicago that I had never been to but wish I had discovered earlier. We grabbed dinner and then headed out dancing. I was actually having fun! I forgot about being down and out and just moved my body to the beat of the music. We went to another bar and he brought me to the third floor in a secluded area and attempted to kiss me. I cock blocked him and said, “maybe we should get a drink first.” However, he was really persistent. He made his second attempt at a kiss and I gave in. He was not a good kisser. I felt like he pursed his lips so tightly together that I could feel every wrinkle and my tongue had nowhere to go. Things got a little bit creepy when he tried to feel up my shirt. He said, “I can tell you have a nice body.” Honestly, he had a nice one too. Fully chiseled pecs and a tight 6 pack. He stood taller than me at 5′ 10″. We continued making out until he pulled back and said “I could fuck you.”

That should have been my sign to run away, but I didn’t. I agreed. I kept thinking about how Antonio was so displeased with me for never going all the way with him. I was at my lowest point and genuinely believed that maybe it was time to give up on losing my virginity to someone who I loved and loved me in return. I loved Antonio but knew that it was one sided, which is why I never let things go that far. After experiencing so much heartache and going on so many fail dates, I started to believe that I was meant to be alone for the rest of my life. I am not proud of that night and I get upset with myself when I think about all the opportunities I had to walk away from it all.

I felt gross the next day. I couldn’t even look at him without feeling sick. But there he was in front of me, representing all the things I had desired the whole summer--a boyfriend, a relationship, someone that was into me--and suddenly, I didn’t want it, any of it, anymore. That was the last time I saw Bryan.

I learned that no act of desperation should make you do something out of character.

When I was 13, a priest said that the purpose of saving sex for marriage was because we give up half of ourselves when we become one with someone in intercourse. If you go around having sex with multiple partners, you’ll only be able to give a small fraction of yourself to your spouse. If you wait until marriage, you can give all of yourself to the person you make a vow before God with. As soon as I heard that, I promised myself I would wait. I even prided myself in my determination. Yet at 24, at my lowest, I gave that all up and gave a part of myself to someone I didn’t even know.

When you are down to nothing, God is up to something.

I drove home feeling disgusted with myself, with my actions, what I gave up and what I had let myself become. I turned into a senseless person desperate for love. I became someone who’s self esteem was suddenly rooted in whether or not I was in a relationship. Believe me when I saw that prior to Antonio, I had never desired having a significant other because I never saw the point in having one. I was fully content in myself and the relationships I had with my family and friends.

I got home and declared to the heavens above that I was done with dating. I was done with being upset. I uninvited myself from my own pity party. I was focused on rebuilding myself and allowing God to heal me and make me whole again. “Shake it out” by Florence and the Machine became my anthem and every time I sang the chorus, I felt like I was gaining myself back.

It felt like the moment I that I was finally at peace with myself and my situation, the universe threw a few unexpected and surprising pieces into place and I accepted them with open arms.

After waiting what felt like an eternity, I finally sent Kekoa another text message. I knew that Septemeber 6 was his birthday, so as early as August, I planned on messaging him just to greet him. Unfortunately, OKC lied to me and tricked me into believing that his birthday was a day early. PRAISE THE HEAVENS ABOVE because Kekoa actually messaged me back! I wanted to be chatty but I had to control myself and keep it short, simple, and make every attempt to not sound like a stage 5 clinger. My plan worked because he messaged me several days later, the day before my birthday, asking when my birthday was.

When it rains, it pours.

Manny was someone I met on OKC after my crazy Labor Day Weekend in hopes of just making a friend. He didn’t live too far from the suburb I was in so we met up for bubble tea. He was actually REALLY good lucking, tall, and Latino. I was instantly attracted so I was disappointed when I learned that he suffered from Yellow Fever. I only hung out with him twice. My second hang out with him was at his place where we watched a Korean Drama (”Who Are You”). His room was covered in anime and K-POP posters. I was definitely taken aback by it but thought it was kind of endearing. However, I soon began to think he had an Asian fetish because he would send me photos of hot Asian guys on my phone and say “Happy Humpday!”. I never met up with him again but he was definitely one of the people that contributed to the upswing I was feeling as I turned 25.

I learned to NEVER date a guy with Yellow Fever! It’s super flattering at first but then it gets creepy real fast.

Smith was someone I messaged on POF (yeah, yeah, another dating app). He was Laotian, blond, and was only 2 years younger than me. My only intention was to make a friend and stated that from the beginning. I was surprised he wanted to meet up since most of his messages to me online were one lined and I felt like he wasn’t interested in meeting me when he could be going on dates. He was really quiet the first time we met. We were supposed to watch a movie but then all 4 of his roommates came home unannounced. I was really nervous to be meeting all of these people all at once and I could tell that Smith hadn’t told them he was about to have company over. I’m pretty sure he felt awkward introducing me to them when he had just met me moments ago. Regardless, I ended up having a pretty decent time watching “Insidious” with them.

Several days later, Smith invited me to his birthday dinner with his roommates and it was really fun. We went back to his place and he insisted we took shots for his birthday. We ended up not going out that night but he insisted that I slept over instead of driving home. I did. And it was so nice just sleeping next to someone and being held. It was purely innocent; we didn’t even share a kiss but I really appreciated that. I was leaving for home by the end of the week but he made me promise that we’d celebrate my birthday when I got back.

Everything changed when I turned 25.

One reason why my 25th birthday is so memorable for me is because my relatives from the Philippines were there to celebrate it with me for the first time! The other reason was that I felt like I had two prospects waiting for me in Chicago.

I started seeing Smith pretty regularly, but it was pretty casual, and I started wondering if we were just meant to be friends. That changed the night of his birthday party. A few of his friends I was meeting for the first time implied that they’d break my neck if I broke his heart, which definitely caught me off guard but gave me a bit of courage to be more flirtatious. When I tried ordering a drink for him at the bar, he placed his hand in front of mine to stop me from speaking, and I kissed his hand (I’m actually blushing as I type this). We went outside, made out, and I ended up staying the night with him.

I really, really liked being with Smith. He was young and fun, and more importantly, he made me feel young and fun. I loved going out dancing with him, fooling around with him, and just being around him. If I could talk to him now, I’d thank him for pulling me out of my rut and making me feel loved and special again. However, I knew it wasn’t meant to be. I honestly couldn’t see myself fitting into his world, no matter how fun he was or how sweet he was. It broke my heart to end things, but I learned that you shouldn’t be with someone if you can’t see how you would fit into their world.

Kekoa, again!

I was seeing Kekoa around the same time I was seeing Smith. We made plans to celebrate each others birthdays in early October. I was so excited to see him, but I was actually really offended when he made fun of my outfit and I actually thought he was trying to really hard to impress me. At one point during dinner, I even thought about how this would definitely be the last time I’d see him. However, we ended up going out dancing and drinking and I ended up at his place. I’m embarrassed to say that I drunkenly basically confessed that I had a huge crush on him and thought that he was marriage material. YIKES! I woke up the next say saying “I should go”, and left in a rush. But surprisingly, Kekoa messaged me again the next day and asked when he’d see me again.

Things got a little bit messy as I’d spend a Saturday with Smith and then have plans set for Sunday with Kekoa. But once I realized that I didn't fit into Smith’s world, it made it easy for me to end things with him to be with Kekoa. I formally made the decision to end things with Smith when Kekoa tried to nonchalantly call me “babe” and asked me to be exclusive (on November 1).

I wanted to start our relationship on an honest foot, so I told Kekoa that I was seeing someone the same time I was seeing him. Kekoa was hurt when he found out that our story wasn’t exactly how he perceived it, and I thought he’d never want to see me again based off of how he reacted. But the next day, he called me and asked to come over. He basically told me that he didn’t care about my past (cue “As Long as You Love Me” by the BSB) and that he loved me. He said it so easily and without hesitation. It warmed my soul in a way I can’t describe. It made me feel secure in us.

Needless to say, the rest is history and we’re still together, and still very much in love. I entered a relationship where everything was an adventure, where communication was mandatory, where every day felt important, and everyday with him felt like home.

What did I learn? I learned that:

Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps, hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.

Also important: I learned what I don’t want in a relationship. My relationship with Antonio was toxic and I allowed myself to be belittled into an empty shell of a person. I learned that it’s SO important to be with someone who values you, someone who loves you, and someone who won’t push you away or keep you at an arm’s length. It’s important to be with someone whose whole being is one that you want to emulate. And somewhat oddly, and I’m learning this in pediatrics, it’s important to be with someone who you’d want your child to grow up to be like and that’s what I have with Kekoa. If my offspring could be kind, intelligent, selfless, patient, adventurous, and have a healthy appetite, I know I would be bringing more good into this world.

I didn’t mention this earlier, but Antonio actually reached out to me with this message prior to my birthday:

“Jan - I know this is out of the blue and I’m probably the last person you want to hear from. I just want to apologize for not responding to your texts when I was in Chicago. In all honestly, I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t know what to say because the last time we talked it seemed as if we weren’t going to talk/chat/see each other for a while. Things between us have been a little too emotionally heavy for me (and I’m sure for you too) and I really just wanted some space from that. I’m sorry for everything that has happened but despite all of that I still truly value your friendship even if we agreed to take a break from it for a while. I hope all is well with you and thank you for everything. Ps. Advance happy birthday”

I was tempted to respond and try to reconnect. But I knew I couldn’t. I know I couldn’t let someone so toxic reenter my life. And I’m proud of myself for severing that relationship with him and blocking him out of my mind and achieving peace.

I pretty much spent my whole 24th year being heartbroken, but that’s okay. I learned so much about myself in that year of self loathing and true desperation. I am a naturally optimistic, happy-go-lucky, and cheerful guy, so I am thankful that I was able to experience emotions I had never felt before. If anything, it makes better able to appreciate all of the happiness I have now and have an understanding of who I am at my worst and best.

I think what I learned is best said by my spirit animal, Dr. Christina Yang:

“Burke, Burke was…he took something from me. Little pieces over time, so small I didn’t notice. He wanted me to be something I wasn’t, and I made myself into what he wanted. One day I was me, Christina Yang, and suddenly I was lying for him and jeopardizing my career and agreeing to be married and wearing a ring and being a bride until i was standing there in a wedding dress with no eyebrows and I wasn’t Christina Yang anymore. And even then I would have married him. I would have. I…I lost myself for a long time, and now…that I’m finally me again…I can’t…I love you. I love you more than I love Burke. I love you, and that scares the crap out of me. I let him take pieces of me. And that will never happen again.”

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