freeingames-blog

[freeingames-blog]

Suddenly got a life again. Will be back if it disappears again. Hopes not.

[freeingames-blog]

3rd Nighttime March

Well today’s been a mixed bag.

  I have felt really funny in my head this evening. Like I am looking at myself from a far and noticing all the moves and chatter I make. It has been really odd and started making me feel really paranoid about my actions and the decisions I have been making.

  Hoping tomorrow brings more clarity and hoping I can sleep too as usually the tablets have worked by now :’(

  A x

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3rd March Saturday

Today has been a good day so far. I have been shopping and got some soup for lunch. Had cereal this morning. I have stuck to a meal plan so far today but I am kindof… making it up as I go along and then writing it down in my daily journal. I just need to see what I need to plan for… backwards but I get it. I am trying to focus on things other than my ED but it is very difficult when doing self-recovery as I feel I have to be one step ahead of my mind at every point of the day.

I am just listening to Sorry not Sorry by Demi Lovato – such a great song! The video is awful though. I’ve been listening to music a lot more lately. I had a year long period of not listening to anything at all. Music reminded me of a time I had a lot more in my life, including a relationship etc. I think it hurt to much to hear music. Now I am learning to love it again though, especially if I listen to newer stuff. The Voice is on tonight which is one of my fave Saturday shows to watch with my family.

  I watched the newest episode of Scandal last night! The crossover with How To Get Away With Murder episode wasn’t as good as I thought it would be. Two of my fave shows merged into one but it wasn’t as good as any of them individually! I watched a few films the other night too. One was ‘Urge’ which was awful and I do not recommend it. The other was ’10 Cloverfield Lane’ which was boring. I don’t know how it got such a good write up because the only good thing about it was the main actor’s portrayal of a psychopath.

I am hoping to revise my exposure work this afternoon so that it is a bit more rational and at a slowed down pace. My family are against me trying to live alone again because I’ve proven over and over again I cannot do it. I think I need to take things incredibly slowly.

I am dying my hair tonight which will be good because then I can wear it down – yay! I am also going to paint my nails etc. Try to do a self care night before The Voice comes on.

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2nd March 2018 Friday

Today’s been okay. I have been into town this afternoon with my mum. We got some tops and some hair dye and food. It’s hard to go shopping now because the snow has taken over. We hiked down with our backpacks. I felt fine energy wise and definitely think I am in a much better shape that a month ago.

I’m just listening to Adele. I am home alone because didn’t go to my sister’s for tea with the parents. Feeling quite low about it. Just wish I could join in. I am sick of missing out on life.

I made an exposure plan to get back living on my own and an eating challenges plan today but I am already sick of it. I just want to eat what I want and be able to DO what I want. It’s so frustrating. I am scouring the internet for people who have just said ‘forget it’ to their disorder and have gone straight to intuitive eating etc. I feel so done with all these plans and all these limits.

I had smoked fish for tea with peas, green beans and potatoes. It was same as EVERY night. And I am sick of it to be honest with you. I want to taste and digest so much other stuff. But I am very afraid of actually going through with it. I guess I am more scared of not having a life and / or dying early now though?

I hope tomorrow brings positivity. My new medication is making me have 11 hours sleep a night and that is making me feel a lot more stable. I think I will see if there is any good tele on in a minute.

A few songs keep coming on the shuffle which remind me of the past. Teaching seems a million miles away now. I feel so sad when I think of everything I had and lost. But I can achieve things again now that I am on the right path. I am managing to stay at a weight I never thought I could be at and not too depressed. I have volunteering lined up etc.

Just got to keep chipping away at a new life.

  A x

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1 March 2k18 Thurs

I'm backkkkk.

Think it's been nine months since I blogged on here. Shock horror.

I left Inpatient July 25th and from there moved to uni to do my postgrad. After having struggled through the term and achieved good grades, I decided I needed a break and time out of stuff in order to concentrate on the next stage of my recovery.⬆️⬆️

I came home at Xmas and soon after that I decided I was postponing my studies till next January. So one term with be counted which is great. I  may even transfer the credits to the OU so it's more flexible.

🦉Being at home is hard. But in odd ways. In most ways it's lovely (what have I got to complain about!) but it's hard when all I want in the world is independence and not to feel lost when I'm alone. It feels like I'm failing to fight hard enough when I'm cacooned at home away from realities or responsibilities.

I have been playing with my niece a lot which has been lovely and going walks and crocheting and applying for PiP and sorting driving out and cooking for m and b. I am about to replan some exposure work back to york too. All I'm concentrating on at the moment is being able to keep  myself safe and stable whilst I'm there. 🐚🐚🦋🦋🐛🐛

🥜🍞🥖Foodwise - been sticking to safe food really but upped the volume of them lots in last week or so. I'm now at a healthyish weight but need to push that little further to get to my goal that I then stay at for a year if I can. Waiting for ED assessment to see how they can help me with this. Every time the post goes I zoom upstairs! Sad!

All for now and hoping my brain cells are coming back slowly. 📖

A x

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Thursday 25th goodbyes

Been here a month now on the EDU. So much progress made and now time to say goodbye to blogging. Living taking over... A strange feeling. 🙌🏼🙏🏻

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Wednesday 24th May

B: Weetabix. 🍼 L: broccoli cheese, boiled potatoes, green beans, 2 strawberry mousse. 🧀🍅🍧 S: biscuits.🍪 D: corned beef and tomato sandwich, 5 bean salad, yoghurt. 🧀🍅 S: Rice Krispies. 🍼

🍼Weetabix for breakfast - classic me. It takes so long for people to finish at breakfast because they are on toast! So awkward sitting through the time when I've finished my cereal. Will need to work on this a bit I think.

Aims and objectives this afternoon went well. I've got the continued aim to read more. And allow myself to do that. My sleep aim is going well. I've also added to speak to sisters more p, especially now I have the Internet to Skype my big sister in Oz. Hopefully I'll see the other sister on Sunday when home.👊🏻

❗️Thoughts and feelings group today was intense as they couldn't split the group up so it was all 20 patients speaking about events from the week. Exhausting. I spoke about my CPA and how different it felt from previous ones at the Priory. A positive one this week from me.

1:1 with dietician was tense. She spoke about how I might find it difficult when I reach my target tomorrow at weigh in, and probably go into my range a bit. We have scheduled another meeting for tomorrow after weigh in to reevaluate things and speak about diet more. I need to speak to her about a few more things too. She is lovely.🎈

🖼Went for an hour out before tea and the sun was crazy! I hope it stays like this for the weekend. I am out 11-5 Saturday and 9-8 Sunday if all goes to plan so lots of catch some good weather. It all feels a little surreal that I will be going getting the train on Sunday and stuff. I'm taking things slowly but still get a little overwhelmed at times. But in a good way if that makes sense?

🍴I have scheduled in my hot catering assessment for next Wednesday night which means I'll be fully ready for an overnight at home when it is appropriate. I'm making rice, fish, salad and then crumble with custard. All pretty much shop bought so easy enough. Also, I'll be self catering almost the entire week! Much harder to do my menus now with all the self catering but it feels good to have more power over what I can have and to be going getting the shopping etc for myself. I actually have a shelf in the kitchen with my name on it, ha. I remember on my preparation day thinking how cool that would be.🍽

⚖Weigh in tomorrow early and then time out and a few groups. Hoping to get some proper sleep in tonight but might make time to watch some of my programmes and read. Tomorrow's eats include salmon fish cakes and pineapple sponge with custard.

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Tuesday 23rd May 🍾

B: Rice Krispies. 🍼 L: pepper pasta, boiled potatoes, peas, sponge and custard.🍴 S: biscuits. D:  self catering! Ham/tomato/cream spread wrap, bean salad, muller corner yoghurt. 🧀🍅 S: Weetabix. 🍼

Tomorrow's eats include broccoli cheese and strawberry mousse. It is actual mousse as opposed to the Priory angel delight - I actually miss angel delight, it was hilarious to be given it in he little plastic tubs. The potatoes and pasta were not good. I hate days of disgusting combinations. ✋🏻Interserve didn't bring milk this morning so we had a big staff melt down which was hilarious. Err there is an Asda across the road... Obviously my nutrigrain didn't turn up so snack was rethought out. I wish they'd just accept that there are only two options for snacks and suppers here - suppose it looks good on paper that they offer a range 😹

👽My CPA went so well. Although my care coordinator didn't turn up which was Poo as was looking forward to seeing her.  Consultant said my target is realistic and my mum was so supportive. I think shared housing after being home for 6months to a year is in the pipeline and outpatients doesn't seem to be a problem.  I am now technically in stage 3 which means guaranteed leave (not dependent on weigh ins), maintenance within my range, 14 weeks of home leave transition, free to leave ward whenever within reason, self catering. So relieved. Never thought I'd get to this point.🙌🏼

👻Had an hour out before lunch to use so went to get a drink from Asda and have a chill in the sun. CPA had been stressing me out slightly so I'm glad I had a chance to relax after it.👊🏻

🤐Community meeting this afternoon was so quick. Only thing was about telling people earlier in the week about leave for the weekend. No conclusions there.

🍽The trip to Asda with my OT went well and my kitchen assessment went without any fuss. The wrap I made was a much needed change from Interserve meals. And I got my change of yoghurt woo! I'm doing cold catering again Friday to use up ingredients.

Tomorrow is a busy day with aims group, thoughts group, dietician 1:1. I have a long list for dietician so am hoping we can rejig diet a little bit now in stage 3. My hot catering assessment is booked in for end of next week.

A very busy day all in all.

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Monday 22nd May

B: Weetabix. 🍼 L: sweet and sour chicken, rice, sweetcorn, yoghurt. 🍗🍚🌽 S: fruit sponge🍇 D: egg mayo sandwich, 5 bean salad, choc sponge with choc sauce. 🍳🍅🍮 S: Weetabix.

Weigh in saw my weight increase by 0.1kg from Thursday. I have had a meeting with dietician and nurse and we have revamped my goals and targets based on how un/comfortable I am feeling. I feel relieved and empowered I am making own decisions. I'm so grateful to have family support too. they just want me to be happy which is just what I need to hear at the moment. Stage 3 will be hit Thursday.

Dietician group this morning was okay. We spoke about energy use and calories. Not things which I have particularly struggled with in recent years but definitely interesting in terms of what we need for our basic functioning.

Went out for an hour this afternoon and fully planned what I'm doing for self catering. Good to get out and about. Tiring being cooped up even for a morning.

No nutrigrain, of course. So had to have weetabix. I think I'll become a weetabix soon! Tomorrow's self catering is: Ham, tomato, cheese spread wrap, bean salad, yoghurt. I CAN HAVE A LONGLEY FARM YOGHURT. OMG.  Not pushing myself too far away from what I'm used to on the ward yet. Wrap though! Woo. Other delights of tomorrow include pasta with potatoes (loving Interserve combinations still) and lemon sponge. 

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Sunday 21st May 👻

B: cornflakes. 🍞🍼 L: turkey, roast potatoes, carrot, yogurt. 🍗🍴 Snack out: crisps. D: cheese sandwich, 5 bean salad, strawberry sundae. 🧀🍧 S: sultanas and raisins. 🍇

I've been feeling hungrier lately at times I'm doing more. Hot lunches and cold teas have become a weekend norm! I still think I prefer it the other way round but good practice for those times in the future I'll  be eating I out and about. Tomorrow's eats include sweet n sour chicken, fruit sponge for snack, choc sponge with sauce. I'm getting a bit bored of listing my diet... So repetitive. Exciting times to come when I start self catering though, 

A quiet morning on the ward. Expecting it to get much busier as people arrive back from home leave. I like the contrast.

Afternoon out today went well. Went to city centre which was lively and I can't wait to have £ to shop! Was good to play table tennis for half an hour and get doing some more normal stuff. I'm looking forward to studying in this city hopefully.

Weigh-in tomorrow! I have been out a lot more so will be interesting to see if any change. I'm tired after having lots of time out this weekend so will sleep well before the 6am wake up call! Lots on this next week with my CPA and kitchen assessment etc.

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Saturday 20th May 😽

3.5 weeks into admission

B: weetabix. 🍼 L: vegetable goulash, rice, carrots, ice cream. 🍦🍚🍛🍽 Snack out: biscotti biscuit. 🍪 D: ham sandwich, bean salad, lemon sponge with custard. 🍋🍴 S: Rice Krispies.🍼

🍇The nutrigrain bars are distant memory! Never to be seen again it seems. So my supper was changed. Not sure what is going to occur next week as have them on my menu thrice - I'm just going to continue putting them on as I quite like then being given the option on the day of what I want (as normal people do... Rather than knowing three weeks in advance what I'll be eating at 9pm on a particular Thursday evening...) Interserve problems.🍴

Tomorrow's eats include turkey lunch and strawberry sundae.🍧 I've never had the full sundae so that should be interesting - the bread and butter pudding needs a week off though. I'm still undecided as to whether bread should feature in a dessert.🍞➕🍨❓

A fairly boring morning. Knitted and watched Made in Chelsea. Baking group didn't go ahead as patient D fell asleep. Wasn't bothered as I gate baking! Also would rather just have normal supper tonight rather than baked thing. I doubt I'll ever be an avid baker...

🐸My first afternoon out since being admitted here! I'm so glad I spent it with Mum. Only 3 weeks in - success. Snack out went well at Costa. Mum and I went shopping and I got wool and clothes. 👩‍❤️‍👩 Looking forward to another afternoon out tomorrow.

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Friday 19th May👏🏻🙌🏼👻

Bloods taken today 💉

B: cornflakes.🍼🍞 L: cheese and pickle, bean salad, crumble and custard. 🧀🍽 S: yoghurt. D: breaded fish, chips, salad, yogurt. 🍟🍅🐟 S: biscuits. 🍪

The crumble was very hard to portion, I ended up having a lot of rhubarb juice turning my custard into a green mess. Tomorrow's eats include veg goulash, ice cream, lemon sponge with custard and snack out with mum! Yay! 🔮

Inpatient group this morning was very boring. No theme or issues to discuss so. Entered on how dire the morale and atmosphere has been on the ward this week. 👎🏻Mainly due to so many patients stating they are wanting to leave, packing all their stuff, then absconding for days on end. ☠

🌪The 1:1 this morning with nurse K was a bit odd too. Didn't really discuss much and didn't last long. I explained a bit about how I'd been feeling under pressure and had a cry. 😿She asked me to begin doing some focus work on what the eating disorder provides me with. Obviously it must give me something otherwise I would have dismissed it years ago. She said it is often control or punishment or safety or comfort or attention or care etc. 🌪

💓I taught the student nurse how to crochet today which took a long time. It's weird how I picked up crocheting and knitting at The Priory - the things you learn in these places! She is a bit intense as a nurse - constantly asking questions in an intrigued way about addictions and behaviours etc. At one point she announced she eats two trays of ice a night. Not sure those are healthy habits to spread around and share...🤐

👽I had a 1:1 after tea tonight with health care assistant J. I haven't had one with her before. It was very awkward and had nothing to say really. A strange day for 1:1s. I don't know if I'm trying to rush things and not explore issues or whether I am just okay? Hard to tell. I am quite stressed and a bit down about uncertainty of how I am seemingly doing so well?

I am so excited for tomorrow. I think I'm going straight after lunch around 1pm. 😸

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Thursday 18th May😸

B: weetabix.🍼

L: egg mayo, bean salad, yogurt.🍳🍅

S: biscuits. 🍪 D: beef chilli, rice, garlic bread, carrots, sponge and custard. 🌶🍚🍴 S: rice crispies. 🍼

⚖Weigh in saw the scales stay the same since Monday. So over the week (Thursday to Thursday) I had a 0.7kg gain. It is weird because you are so convinced the scales are going to go up - the anorexic mind is so illogical. 1:1 this morning with my key nurse went very well... I am allowed out 1pm till 5pm Saturday and Sunday wooohoooo. So excited. I have started a self esteem work booklet which is proving fruitful already. 📑

The first day of having afternoon snack instead of morning toast. Much better... More normal. Although I do have to wait a while at breakfast for people to finish toast, yawn. Tomorrow's food includes a crumble, breaded fish and chips. 🍟Food choices have been more or less easy this week - the eating had become very normal, bloating much less.

Dietician group number two of week was on this morning. This is a group called Eat Well and it is a three week cycle. We plan one week, eat the next, then reflect. It is a lunch based project where all the patients in stage two self cater together. Stuff like Pizza Party etc. 🍕

😍Mum and my stepdad came this afternoon after lunch to go out for coffee. They were supportive and seemed happy to see progress. I'm really looking forward to spending longer with mum in Saturday. We are going into the city centre to shop and have snack out etc. I have a visit tonight too from a 'friend' (ex).

💕🙌🏼Friday tomorrow! This week was slow to start but sped up once it got going. I have two 1:1s tomorrow and Inpatient group in the morning (the one with weird topics...) I am going to have time to chill in the afternoon which I'm looking forward to as feel like the last couple of days have been super busy. I am going to plan to watch a film. Something will probably crop up though!

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Wednesday 17th May

B: 2 toast, rice crispies.🍼🍞 L: corned beef and tomato sandwich, crisps, chocolate sponge with sauce. 🍮🍅🍖 D: veg curry, naan, boiled rice, peas, yogurt. 🍚🍽🌽 S: weetabix. 🍼

I live corned beef sandwiches! Tomorrow's eats include chilli and a sponge pudding with custard.

Really busy day today. I went out for an hour pre tea to get Internet and to clear my head a bit.

Had thoughts and feelings group this morning. I decided beforehand to 'just get it done' and chose a simple but boring topic. It was okay and I am getting used to opening up a bit more.

Aims and objectives group this afternoon was good. Made great progress last week goals and this week concentrating on sleep hygiene and getting back to my reading.

1:1 with dolly the dietician went fine. Really quick meeting and my kitchen assessment is Tuesday night! Yay. The day of my c pa too. Going to think carefully about what I'm cooking. Swapped toast each day for an afternoon snack as this is more in line with how I want my diet to look in the outside.

Tomorrow I am going out with parents for coffee, have weigh in in the morning followed by 1:1 with key nurse to arrange weekend leave. Excited. Sorting out finances too tomorrow with occupational therapist which is excellent. Get chasing all this pip up!

All in all, a great day.

[freeingames-blog]

Tuesday 16th May

1 week till my CPA!!!

B: 2 toast, cornflakes.🍼🍞 L: cheese sandwich, bean salad, lemon tart. 🧀 D: fish with butter sauce, boiled potatoes, broccoli, yogurt. 🍽🐟 S: biscuits.

The fish was beyond disgusting. I ate it but that was, in itself, a massive life challenge. Ha. A boring day food-wise to be honest. Tomorrow's eats include veg curry and choc sponge, yum.

I had a 1:1 with one of my health care assistants today. She spoke about how I seem to have a lot of pressure on me - I would say it is from myself though. And I think it is good pressure? Every time I speak to someone 1:1 I find myself thinking about whether I am rushing or my expectations are too high for myself or if I am allowing myself space to make mistakes. But I am focused and too determined to back down even a little. It's just how I feel.

Community group was a delight as usual. Lots of important talk about whether or not to clean the coffee table and whether the sunflower seeds in the courtyard should be replanted into larger pots.... Yawn.

Watched First Dates tonight. Such a cute program, I can't wait to be out and about again. Feeling feelings and living life.

[freeingames-blog]

Monday 15th May ♥️♣️♠️♦️

Weigh in this morning. Gain of 0.7kg since Thursday. So close to my target BMI. Argh, Hurray Up! Ha. 🔻 1.8kg to go.

B: 2 toast, weetabix. 🍞🍼 L: tuna mayo sandwich, bean salad, cheesecake and cream. 🍴🍰🐠 D: pork casserole, boiled potatoes, swede, yogurt. 🍽 S: weetabix.

My supper got changed due to nutrigrain shortages! Everything has ran out - must be due to the cyber attack. Which is still going strong. Food today all very blah. I'm beyond bored of these sandwiches! Bean salad coming out of my ears. Bloody weetabix!

Ward review went well - consultant bumbly (new pet name) said everyone very pleased with progress blah blah. Some talk about whether I am going to 'let people in' etc. I really want to concentrate on the doing still... People are 'in' as much as need be. I have made an effort to open up and feel it is more balanced now. That's enough! I need to move on... Get with the times... Stop dwelling. Mum is on same page so will be useful to have her there during the CPA!

Dietician group was also this morning and we discussed changes during the different stages of treatment. Pretty good group as more science-based than the airy fairy ones to do with feelings.

I ventured out for an hour this afternoon. Was pretty snazzy.

I have a 1:1 tomorrow with one of my health care assistants at 3pm. Probably take another hour out too. Because I've already gained 0.7 for half week, I'm confident I'll be fine for Thursday weigh in and therefore be out this weekend.

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Sunday 14th May 👣

B: Weetabix. 🍼🍞 L: Beef, Yorkshire pudding, roast potatoes, carrots, yogurt. 🍽 Snack out: Hot chocolate. D: Buffet food, cheesecake and cream. 🍛🍅 S: Branflakes. 🍇

🏡Slept all morning again. Just feel exhausted and my lunch got changed from a jacket potato without me knowing due to shortages. Great surprise! Not. Buffet pretty non-eventful... The cheese cake did not need extra pouring cream, very odd. My supper was supposed to be sultanas but Branflakes arrived... Due to more shortages. Flipping NHS.🕯

⚖Weigh-in tomorrow and I'm hoping to be nearer to the target BMI. On Thursday I was 2.5kg away from it so a good 4 days should have brought me closer.🕯

🏡♥️Went out for an hour this afternoon alone. Felt good to get out and didn't feel long enough. Hospital life really depressing me worse than ever. Yes I know I need to be here but it doesn't feel nice or comfortable and I just want my life to begin full of fun and laughter and family and lovely people and no disorder. 🕯 Cyber attack still going strong!