francescasdiary-blog-blog

[francescasdiary-blog-blog]

Long skirts are super comfortable, yet elegant - add my favorite coral necklace/bracelets and done! my favorite on those lazy days :) the whole outfit only cost me about $15! #forever21 #HM #coupons #ootd #ootdshare #cheap #fashiononbudget #coral #madewell #glasses #longskirt #orange #fashion #feelingpretty

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Work in style! :) HM high waisted pants and lavender cardigan, forever 21 shirt, coach purse #work #officefashion #ootd #redlips #mac #wedges #forever21 #HM #lavender #interview #coach #feelinggood #professional

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Thrifted velvet shirt with DIY gold studs, free people leggings, H&M tribal earrings, Nine West wedges :) #ninewest #velvet #diy #thriftshop #freepeople #goldstuds #ootd

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An awesome gift of a crazy pair of leggings!!!! :D (and the difficulties I have with tryin to make legs look bearable..lol) #ootd #crazypants #gift #soexciting #forever21

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Rice omelette for my sister :) @ellynakama #nomnom #foodie

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Sketch of a room at my at my grandma's (Taken with Instagram)

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WAIT

A MINUTE.

shit just got turned around on me and what I was saying got left behind.

So, yes, I should call more often if i wanted to do something. But then, how is he going to explain the lack on HIS part? Why that lack of wanting to do anything? I know; it's not because of me. It's because he just doesn't really like to go out and do things. That's just who he is. I need to accept that or break it off with him. GOD DAMN IT.

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yet ANOTHER list

PROS

1. never gets angry for stupid things

2. faithful

3. forgiving

4. quiet

5. funny

CONS

1. doesnt enjoy going out

2. never romantic

3. un-emotional

4. doesnt actively seek me

[francescasdiary-blog-blog]

Summer Bucket List

1. Go to the fair

2. Yoga

3. Lose 4 lb

4. Tan

5. Beach

6. San Fran road trip with Jamie :)

7. SB!!!

8. Move to irvine

9. Strengthen my relationship

10. paint/make art

11. Learn a new song on piano

12. Violin duet

13. Cook

14. Read all the Anne series

15.

[francescasdiary-blog-blog]

私/ME

Meet me in the middle,

The in between.

All I ask for is

Your quiet nod.

Let the left merge the right.

And the two will again,

Be the one.

たがいちがいが出会うところ

真ん仲であいましょう

ほしいものはたったひとつ

あなたの小さなうなずきで

左と右が溶け合って

ふたつはひとつに

もどるでしょう

[francescasdiary-blog-blog]

TWENTY

Now that I am twenty years old, hatachi, I would like to set several goals for myself.

First:

Take Better Care of My Body.

I want to be fit, have confidence in my own body. I need to start going to the gym, basically. Wednesday, Friday, and Weekends would be gym days. Another thing is my skin. I should start taking care of my skin. Sun screen, lotion, good make up. So I won't regret when I'm older. Take make up off well,

Be on Time.

Don't make people wait or be late to class! Be responsible and professional.

Eat well.

Stop buying those smoothies and sweet lattes...drink soy over dairy, eat less pastries and carbs. Less bread, more fruits! Veggies!

Be Confident.

Being cocky is bad, but seriously, I need to be a happier person. Confidence is the key. Remember what Rachel wrote in your yearbook the last year of highschool? Bring back the golden aura. Smile.

More nice things, Less cheap things.

Yes, F21 is essential, but start buying better quality things. Cheaper isn't always better!

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I must not let it get to me.

It doesn't matter what will happen next; until the day it stops working, I should just go on. I'm still young, and life is short. Why dwell on one boy? If it still hurts, I still love him, right?

Let's do what jazz told me.

PRO AND CON LIST.

Pro

1. he's funny 2. i like the way he looks 3. he calls me panda 4. he calls me every night 5. he gets me gifts every occasion 6. he tries to listen when im down

Con

1. he get's mad 2. he never lets me win 3. he's not willing to change for me 4. he limits what I can do

Maybe I just need some space. I need to step back, and detach all emotions. Don't let sadness take over; just hang up the phone if it starts too. Don't let my mood ruin his. Maybe we just talk too long and I just drag on too long. Right now I need some one to amaeru, but I cant let it be him all the time. I feel like its wrong though, if I can't talk to my own boyfried...wait that is NOT true. I can. It's just that I KNOW that i NEED to move on. And i KNOW that I'm dwelling like a baby. I seriously need to get this shit together.

I mean, just two weeks ago, I felt so happy with him. He gave me a massage. And during the movie he was all over me! See, he can make me really happy. And I can make him love me too.

I'm okay.

[francescasdiary-blog-blog]

nom

Eyes are puffy from crying last night in his bed.

I wanted to cry in front of him. I wanted to make him feel bad. I wanted him to make me feel better. I am a selfish bitch.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this." That is what I told him. The most honest thing that I buried deep inside of me for so long because I feared that it will just open up the door to an end.

Last spring I discovered that I also held the power to end this relationship. The button that says "The End." I saw it sitting in inside of me, small but solid. That moment the presence of it started to haunt me. I could end it, anytime, anyway. I used to believe that I would be the faithful one, humbly waiting for the day he didn't want me anymore. But now, I knew I also had the same privilege. It was like discovering a darkness in me. Darkness that slowly infected every thought in my head; darkness that made me lose control of my tear ducts at night, in shower, on the phone; darkness that I ignored in sunlight but took me over in the silence of the night as my phone received no texts or calls from him. Darkness that only existed in my head.

I used to never cry. But ever since that spring, I would cry at least four times a week by myself for no reason, and every month or so I would let the cry out on the phone or in his arms when my head was fogged up with fear for nothing. Every time he would try to calm me down, and waited patiently, and would ask "So, What is the problem." And every time I didn't have specific answer. I always averted it by using what seemed the most logical complaint to have, depending on the situation. Sometime it was because he didn't text me enough, sometimes it was because he sounded like he never wanted to talk to me, sometimes it was because I thought he didn't love me. He would always promise to change whatever he could, but we always got to a conclusion that it was me, exaggerating the problem in my head. And it was true.

Somewhere in my brain was a part of me that knew the problem all along, but I never wanted to see why and I was able to ignore it. On the good days, I really did feel like I was the happiest girl on Earth. And on those days, I could see things straight. We didn't fit that example of a perfect couple, but nobody does. Yes, we watch movies a lot and usually only go out to eat, but honestly, there isn't much else to do in San Diego without being rich. No, we don't talk much but that's our personality; I'm really not much of a talker and neither is he. He doesn't give me flower or call me beautiful, but I don't really want either anyways; I mean, how awkward is that? I can honestly tell you these are not just excuses.

But I couldn't see things that way when I was so overwhelmed with the fear of unknown, and I couldn't help but cry longing for him.

I came home for the first time in 7 weeks for thanksgiving. In bed he kept whispering "I missed you". We hung out mostly at night, rented movies, and watched them, and had sex. There wasn't too much talking. We are not talkers. We did thing that we would always do, but it didn't bother me. For the first time I realized he truly loved me. Somehow, he loved me. And somehow I was sure of it. It wasn't like he bought me a nice ring, or brought me flowers, or said anything romantic (he probably didn't even give me a compliment, to be honest). It was me that opened up. After more than a year of exchanges of 'I love you' I felt it for the first time. It wasn't passionate infatuation I felt for the first three month. It was so warm, so wide, and so...forgiving. That week, the darkness was no where to be found in my heart.

But I had two more weeks to be apart, and it came back quickly. Even when the break started and I was back with him, it built up slowly until it exploded last night. The thought that haunted and destroyed the relationship from within steadily for nine month.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this."

I regretted it the moment I said it. There's no reason for him to leave me after I said such thing. He held me in silence until I calmed down, and I realized how much I could have hurt him. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't, don't...

I knew all along he loves me. I knew all along it was all in my head. I knew all along all I had to do was ask, if I wanted more attention, and he would give me whatever I want. Why did I have to tell him that? Why do need to hear it all the time?

"Do you not trust me?"

I could no longer lie to him. I told him no. No. I do not trust you, sir. I wanted it all out. I wanted to show him all the darkness that stored inside of me, even if it hurt him. I wanted to be truthful, and not hide. I'm sorry, I whispered. I just don't understand love, I don't know how or why you love me, me, ugly me, horrible me, me and not anyone else.

"I love you because I do, because you're beautiful, because you're funny, because you're fun to be around, and I love all the faces you make, and how you talk when you're tired, and when you do weird things you do, and I love spending time with you."

I am a cruel person for making him say all that. And I am also the luckiest person for having someone to tell me that, after being waking them up at 1AM and telling them that I didn't trust them.

The key to a happier relationship is within me. To trust him, to not fear the future, and to open up.

[francescasdiary-blog-blog]

CONTINUING

So,

Though the class is over, I decided I am going to keep Francesca alive. Writing diaries is very therapeutic to me. I seem to get obsessive over things, and writing about them makes me diffuse the tension of my mind since I have tendency to make things comical in my writing. It might also help me be a better writer.

Anyways, I am very confused in life right now. Actually, not really. I'm just overly obsessively worried about the future: bad nature of me.

Worry 1: Where I'm going to school next year

Worry 2: Japan, or America?

Worry 3: What the FUCK do I do with him

Damn it. I'm crazy. Just saw his facebook and made me sad. She just has to keep coming back. Why why why? There's nothing to worry about, I know I know...if anything I'm more likely to cheat on him than he is. It's totally that reflecting one's own feeling on the other thing. Bleh. I just can't seem to trust this relationship.

Love is just freakin' weird. Question to ask: 1. I have trust issue; how do you do it? How do you trust this relationship???

I need to get over this before I leave.

maybe I need to get off facebook...yee. STARTING TODAY: FACEBOOK BAN, until i get over it.

oh, and imma ask i want more picture with him :) hehe. I need to be a bit more selfish and confident. I honestly think I can be a six, or maybe a seven on good days. :) I like my body quite a bit, my skin is way better, and I want more attention from him.

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Funeral

I went to a funeral today. It was my friend's father's funeral. I cried, and I felt guilty because I didn't know her well and I haven't really even met her father. It made it worse that I sat behind the family during the speeches because I could see his 14 year old son's shoulders shaking. I could see his wife's head bent low, the skin of her neck pale and tired. I looked down and I noticed my green nail polish chipping and I decided that it was the most important thing in the world right now to try and take it off. Then there was this very interesting pattern on the floor so I started to count the squares. Agh, why are they so blurry? I can't keep track. Then I saw a CD player in the corner so I stared at the spinning CD...one, two, three, four...Then I started scratching every line on my hands, and I noticed that my dad sitting next me was doing the same exact thing. My friend then made her speech, without breaking down, and I wondered what I would say and if I would be able to stand straight like her. Then his wife made a speech in Japanese. It wasn't a hopeful 'we can move on from his death' speech/poem everyone else made, but a true mourn for her partner. She never gave up on him even after his last chemo.

After the funeral my family and I went out for lunch. It was probably the best lunch we've ever had together.

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Urban outfitters, free people, nordstroms, victoria's secret, modclothe, etsy...I have been spending way too much time shopping online. At least I haven't actually bought anything; but wasting 5 hours browsing through websites is not healthy. Money, money, money...stupid shipping fee. It just bumps up the price of already over priced cardigan by 20%. I know I don't need another cardigan. Done deal, no more shopping for the rest of the month. It makes me feel better that to know that at least I'm not spending $70 to buy a halloween costume like my Queen. It is a very dumb idea, since 1. you would only wear it at most 3 times a year, 2. the King probably won't even let her go out in that outfit anyways. The Queen isn't a very smart shopper. Two days ago she came home with $80 worth of shampoo and conditioner and whatever after being convinced by Alex the Hair Stylist. Sometimes I really don't know if she's as smart as I think she is; she's one of those confusing people who's really good at convincing other people but is also very gullible.

The Queen left for home for five days. I hate being alone so I invited over Pierogi to sleep over. This poor girl lives in a single on campus, and is constantly looking for something better to eat than the dining commons food. So I like to feed her. Kind of like a stray cat. I just feel bad for anything hungry; I probably got this from my grandma who believes everyone should be fed very well. 

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i heard his voice, not some electronic impersonation of his voice, but his ACTUAL voice, and saw his blue eyes with golden freckles peeking through the door.

And the first night we saw each other in 6 weeks, all we did was do some catching up (physically) and go get taco bell. But did I care? Did I even notice whether he put on some weight or not? No. Readers, I say this is a sign of improvement on my part.

Satisfaction! That's the word. Perfect perfect word for what I felt. His lips are mine, his hands are mine, my butt is his, my mouth is his, oh the joy, the joy, its give and take! My mind is blown by the way his tongue feels and how our bodies fit perfectly next to each other and I can't keep my legs off of him and he can't keep his hands off of me. Everything is momentary but right now I am not listening to the cynic in me because I have never felt so much love for him before. Maybe it's the way his now long bang falls near his eyes, maybe it's the way our nose touch, maybe its the way he says "i missed you" every five minutes. (or maybe it's because I'm finally, actually getting some.) Oh it doesn't even better. I mean matter. Screw flat-stomach-people, everyone should find a chubby blue eyed boy of their own and there will be no hooking up, no waking up with chlamydia next morning (though that isn't always the result of sleeping with a stranger - it could happen to the best of us), and no stolen bikes. I'm too happy. Maybe he slipped something in that pumpkin pie.