fourfifthsfromfame

[fourfifthsfromfame]

[fourfifthsfromfame]

[fourfifthsfromfame]

This is how I’m introducing myself from now on

[fourfifthsfromfame]

End of Year Questionnaire

What did you do in 2018 that you’d never done before? I just about stopped spending time with people who I didn’t want to see.

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I think that my resolution was to care less about people. I’ve managed to separate myself from toxic people, but next year, I need to work on genuinely not caring about them. 

I also need to either put way more effort into getting to know my housemates, or way less. No in between.

Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes! My sister-in-law, and my athletics bestie.

Did anyone close to you die? No, this November was nice and death-free for a change.

What countries did you visit? Portugal, and I’m assuming that I was in Scotland at some point.

What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018? My own place.

What date from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? February the 5th. I’d been very low prior to this point, and I was at risk of completely losing my shit if one more thing went wrong. On February the 5th, one more thing went wrong.

What was your biggest achievement of the year? I’ve benched the people who kept hurting me. I haven’t written them off completely, but I’m no longer going out of my way to see them.

What was your biggest failure? I’m still actually no better at coping with my mental lows. Every time, it hits me just as hard as the first time I had one, and I feel just as helpless.

Did you suffer illness or injury? There was the mental shitshow in January and February, and I’ve had a cough for the last eight years.

What was the best thing you bought? Illustrations. It was pretty cool to turn something that I’d written into a proper book.

Whose behaviour merited celebration? Emma. She may well have saved my life.

Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Anyone who feels the need to ghost someone, as opposed to being honest. Yeah, my dating life is sweet right now.

Where did most of your money go? Food. 

What did you get really, really, really excited about? My birthday.

What song(s) will always remind you of 2017? Pray For Me, I Like It, Greatness.

Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder? Sadder.  Thinner or fatter? Fatter. Richer or poorer? Waaay poorer, I’m just not acting it.

What do you wish you’d done more of? Circuits. I know for a FACT that exercising makes me feel better, but I guess that I just like to be miserable.

What do you wish you’d done less of? Overthinking, and eating rubbish.

How did you spend Christmas? In Morpeth with my family. Church, taking several hours to open presents (mainly my niece), food, and then a film. I’d highly recommend Tag.

How will you be spending New Year’s? Either at a Heaton housie, or in bed.

Did you fall in love in 2018? Nope.

How many one-night stands? One.

What was your favourite TV program? The Good Place. Best show that I’ve watched for a very long time.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I don’t think that I hate them, but they make me feel very bitter.

What was the best book you read? Big Little Lies.

What was your greatest musical discovery? I’m late to the party, but Cardi B. She’s the very definition of “started from the bottom, now we here”.

What did you want and get? A second chance.

What did you want and not get? My own place.

What was your favourite film of this year? Bohemian Rhapsody, Black Panther, Avengers: Infinity War. Don’t make me pick one.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 27 (unfortunately). Around my birthday, I had dinner with the Heaton crew, and then went to Leeds to see my brother, sister-in-law, and the kids. On my actual birthday, I had a pamper day, went to the cinema, and then for dinner with my parents and my old priest. You know your birthday’s lit when you got a priest on standby.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Just some more time to myself.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018? "Wow, she really doesn’t give a shit, does she”

What kept you sane? Circuits, and speaking to people who understood me.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Michael B. Jordan, but literally only as Erik Killmonger.

What political issues stirred you the most? Not so much politics, but how America is still bafflingly unable to correlate gun crime with people being allowed to have guns. By the way, I did this questionnaire last year, and didn’t even have to change my response to this one.

Who did you miss? I miss my mates from school, circa 2010. I miss living in that bubble.

Who was the best new person you met? Danny.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018: Life is honestly too short to do things that you don’t want to do. And I also don’t have the time or money to try to see everyone.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: “I like proving n****s wrong, I do what they say I can’t”.

[fourfifthsfromfame]

I love how this still surprises people.

middle aged white man with trump maga van sends pipe bombs and anthrax to 13 prominent democratic politicians, donors, and media outlets.

middle aged white man who claims he ‘doesn’t shoot whites’ attempts to enter a black church for a massacre, fails, and murders two random black strangers in a grocery store.

white man yells ‘all jews must die!’ before entering a synagogue during shabbat and opening fire. the news is still breaking, but at least eight people are confirmed dead.

it’s been 48 hours.

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essentials

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Abby came to visit this weekend. I felt a little bad as I didn’t show her any of Newcastle, but we drank in the park, ate junk food, and talked for hours on end. 

But my god. You know that someone is a true friend when they can walk into your house, and totally read the shit out of your entire life situation in under five minutes.

So I’m no longer suicidal which is always a plus, but I’m still nowhere near being happy. Part of the stress comes from my job (although I genuinely think that I could be playing korfball for a living and still find a way to get upset), and part of it I now think also comes from my living situation.

Moving to Heaton was really good for me, especially when I started to drift from my mates from school. But even living with people who I know, I still don’t quite feel right. And the reason for that, as Abby pointed out, is because these people aren’t my friends. 

Well they are, but they aren’t. 

Everyone is perfectly nice and we do loads of stuff together, but I’m still not 100% myself around most of them. It’s why I’m always a little bit tense when I hang out with the entire group. Or why the weekend when I had the house to myself was the most sleep that I’d had for months. It’s because the vast majority of them aren’t close friends who I’m never fully myself around, so I essentially never feel comfortable in my own home. Abby used to be in a similar boat, and felt that exact same energy the second that she walked into my house.

On the plus side, I now have something to work towards. It won’t cure my depression, but it will help. But it’s also pretty crushing to think that the last year has been a lie, and that I have even fewer genuine friends than I thought. So hashtag goals:

Get the fuck out of there and get my own place,

Make more close friends.

There are already a handful of the Heaton lot who I do feel quite close to, primarily the ones who actually gave a shit when I was suicidal. I’ve been quite good at initiating things with them since, so hopefully I can keep at it and continue to force my way into their lives. 

I’ve also installed Meetup, and I’m going to one this week that is pretty much designed for people like me, people who are fucking terrible at making new friends. Starting yet another activity on my own is a little daunting, but if we’re all as socially inept as each other, then we might find some common ground.

Wish me luck!

[fourfifthsfromfame]

Day 28 - A picture of something you’re afraid of.

I don’t know how to illustrate this, but essentially being found out. 

I try to be a good person, I really do. But in reality, I’m selfish, wildly jealous, and always, always angry. 

People irritate the shit out of me, but I bottle it up. I still haven’t found the balance between being pushover nice or a complete psychopath, so I wind myself up internally about every little thing, and just hope that I don’t explode.

I’m worried that people are going to start to figure out that I’m really not a nice person to be around, and leave. But the thing is that if people annoy me that much anyway, then why am I even worried about it? It’s this bizarre thing where I despise everyone, and yet still want them around.

[fourfifthsfromfame]

Day 27 - A Picture Of Yourself And A Family Member.  

I’m wanting to finish this photo challenge but also rant about my shitty father. So hey, two birds one stone. Here’s the last photo that was taken of just me and my dad, back in Christmas 2016.

I absolutely hate to be that guy, but we’ve established that part of my mental health problems are to do with my upbringing. The more that I talk about my parents, my father in particular, the more that it just blatantly fucking explains why I am the way that I am.

So traditionally, the best thing that a Nigerian parent can do for their child is provide for them, give them a good education, and ensure that they go far in life. And in exchange for doing so, the child will do as they are told, never question their parents, and respect them. Respect is a big, big deal in Nigerian and probably black culture in general, but the way that some parents will try to earn it is questionable. They’ll make their children run around after them (as an example, I’ve once been called from upstairs to close the curtains in a room that my father was sitting in), expect perfection, and if the children don’t comply, they will beat the absolute shit out of them. Then the children get older, have kids of their own, and the cycle continues.

My dad wasn’t very nice to any of us, but things were far, far worse with me. I think that it’s because while my brothers knew how to accept my father’s behaviour or walk away, I would resist. I’d disagree with something he said, or I wouldn’t be able to control my face when I was unhappy, and my father would snap, and he would hit me. Not quite enough to be classed as high-risk abuse, but certainly more than is acceptable in British culture. And that’s where my fear of confrontation comes from, because whenever I’d try to put my point across in the past, I’d get hurt.

But it’s still questionable, isn’t it? Whose parenting style was right. On the surface, I wouldn’t dare to misbehave around my father, so I guess that I appear to respect him. And you meet some really awful people in life, who were clearly just never hit as children. But in reality, I think that my dad is an absolute bellend, and I don’t feel safe around him. I remember how my heart would sink whenever I saw his car pull into the drive after work. Or how when he walks into a room even now, all that I’m doing internally is panicking and thinking of the fastest way that I can get out. If I get married, he’s not walking me down the aisle. And genuinely, when he dies, I don’t think that I’ll be upset about it at all.

Whereas my mum was a lot kinder, and brought us up with words. And although on the surface, I disrespect her in the sense that I give her a lot more shit, I still have a good relationship with her, and actually love her.

I do feel a little bad for hating my dad so much, because it’s clear that his method of parenting was massively influenced by his own upbringing, which was a hell of a lot worse. But I still don’t think that’s an acceptable excuse. It’s like when people say: “Ah, he just bullies people because he was bullied himself”. As if that makes it ok. Also what even is that argument, surely if someone did something to you and you didn’t like it, you’d go out of your way to not do that same thing to anyone else? My mum had strict parents as well, but she proved that she didn’t have to be the same way.

Sometimes, I do worry that I’ll end up like my father though. Our personalities are very similar, in the sense that we like to have everything a certain way, (even if it’s stupid), and we get wound up if it’s not. The only difference is that I’ve never been in a position of power. It’s genuinely one of the main reasons as to why I shouldn’t have kids.

And also that kids are fucking dumb.

[fourfifthsfromfame]

I don’t like to make sweeping generalisations, but men are fucking disgusting.

So I’m on this dating app, which I’m swiftly beginning to realise is the sex app. Which is fine. I’d love to find Mr. Right eventually, but until then, I might as well get laid. But you can want casual sex without being an absolute fucking skeez about it.

The creepy lads are creeps for all of the usual reasons, but they’re also racist too. Well, it’s pretty much the exact opposite of racism actually; it’s more like fetishising me, and wanting to sleep with me, just because I’m black.

This is a new level of racism that I’ve never experienced before, but it’s still built on the same stupidity as regular racism. These guys believe that being black changes my personality somehow. Like, they genuinely believe that I’m mint in bed, just because I look different. And some guys think that I only date black men (forgetting that I live in Newcastle, so have pretty much exclusively dated white guys), and are obsessed with the idea of being the first white guy to sleep with me. As though they want to colonise my vagina.

Part of me is disgusted, but another part of me feels conflicted. As an unattractive woman, I never know how to respond to assault/harassment. On one hand, it’s awful, but on the other hand, nobody else gives me that attention. I’d always roll my eyes when my pretty friends complained about being hit on by guys, but if they’re constantly made to feel the way that I’ve felt for just the last two days, then I can kind of see where they’re coming from.

But yeah, I can see why some of these guys are single.

[fourfifthsfromfame]

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.  

Can I change it to a picture of someone? Or a set of people?

Moving to Heaton last year was one of the best decisions that I ever made. I basically got a pre-made group of friends, and they helped me with my social life, broke down my aversion to trying new things, and stopped me from losing the plot completely when I drifted from some of my mates from home. A number of them have become genuine friends, and I owe them a lot.

Photographed above is Notting Hill Carnival last summer, when I barely even knew them. It was so much fun, ridiculously easy to organise, and despite the fact that we were quite literally on top of each other for three days, there wasn’t any tension.

[fourfifthsfromfame]

Well, one advantage to having anxiety is that things are almost never as bad as you think they’ll be. Come Dine With Me was a success!

What vexed me about my partner was that he obviously wanted to do everything himself, but he still kept me around and got annoyed when things inevitably weren’t done his way. But on the day of the meal, I just decided to leave him to it, and that made me feel infinitely better. I did feel a little bad because he was running around and stress smoking, while I was laughing my head off in my room planning the entertainment. But he brought it on himself by choosing to be a dickhead over a friendly competition, where there wasn’t even a prize for winning.

At some point, I do think that I’m going to have to learn to confront people though. Right now, I have a habit of either taking shit and getting increasingly wound up internally, or just completely removing myself from the situation and not speaking to people. But until I learn how to get angry, I think that walking away has been good for me.

The meal ended up being bang average, but my entertainment went down a treat. I created a murder mystery from scratch (which I didn’t even think that I’d be able to do), and I just had so much fun writing the back story, picking which guests would play which characters, and making everyone’s personalities as ridiculous as possible.

I was a bit nervous about it because it was one of those things that would only work if people were actually up for it, and I had images of people being unenthusiastic after a working day, and just wanting it to end. But everyone properly got involved (exaggerated accents included), and it was everything that I’d dreamed it would be and more. I got loads of compliments too!

[fourfifthsfromfame]

Day 25 - A Picture of Your Day.

It’s ten in the morning right now, so let’s talk about yesterday.

I started by dragging myself to circuits, despite the fact that I’d gotten home at three that same morning. I was expecting to have the absolute worst time, but I really pushed myself, and came away feeling quite proud.

This was followed by planning, shopping, and cooking for our round of Come Dine With Me. We’ve joined forces with the other house, and we’ve all been cooking for each other in pairs.

Everyone in each house is lovely, but I ended up being paired with probably the one person who I click with the least. I don’t dislike him, but we’re very different people. He’s quite middle class, always talking, and desperate to win the competition. Whereas I’m a bit of a chav, need time to myself, and really couldn’t give a shit about how we do. It also didn’t help that he’s a really good cook and blatantly would have preferred to have done the whole thing by himself, which made me feel quite inadequate. And despite the fact that I’m going to be leading the entertainment, he still tried to take over the planning, making it as convoluted and primed for disaster as possible.

So I had a strong start to the day, but then I spent a solid eleven hours with this guy, which I’d find quite draining even if he were a close friend. And then after work today, ten people are coming round, and I have to host, be extroverted, and keep them entertained, despite the fact that it’s the last thing that I feel like doing.

But I’m going to keep my head up, go for it, and then get some rest later on in the week.

[fourfifthsfromfame]

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change. Have a selfie.

I know that quite a few of my recent posts have been about race, but honestly, my life would just be a hell of a lot easier if I were white. Or if I just lived somewhere where there are more black people. I wouldn’t experience any outright racism, I wouldn’t get suspicious looks just for being in the same room as someone else, and I wouldn’t have to constantly explain my existence or experiences to people, and have them still not get it. Even the not-really-racist-racism is tiring, possibly more so because people genuinely think that they’re being nice and I don’t know if shutting them down is too mean. The most ridiculous demonstration that I have of this was when I was working in retail, and some man just strode into the shop and started speaking to me in some language/dialect that I don’t remember the name of. After he clocked the look of abject confusion on my face, he explained that he’d been travelling somewhere in Africa, and assumed that I spoke this language. 

To be fair, had he guessed correctly, it would have been impressive, but out of all of the countries in Africa, all of the different languages within these countries, to assume that I happened to speak this one in particular that he’d learned a few phrases of when he was fucking finding himself was just absolutely fucking ridiculous. Imagine going up to a white person in the UK, and assuming that they spoke Russian. I didn’t know how to feel about it because on one hand, I really shouldn’t have to put up with things like that, but on the other hand, I guess it’s still better than outright racism.

Over the last year or so, all of the different levels of racism that I’ve experienced throughout my life seem to have hit me simultaneously, and I’m honestly just so fed up and angry about it all that I don’t even know what to do with myself. The only thing that I’ve gained from being black is probably a bit more awareness when it comes to race; if I were white, I’d probably be ignorant too. Like genuinely, I’ve never bothered to put much thought into anything, or get informed about something unless it directly affects me, which I imagine is the same for others too. It explains how you get these people who are passionate about veganism and animal rights, but couldn’t give a shit about racism. If I were white, I’d probably disregard other people’s experiences too, and just be another big old racist.

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I know that I’ve been very up and down, but Saturday was a lovely day.

It started with a circuits/HIIT class that has pretty much stabilised me during my low. This time, I brought Sevs, who I’ve caught up with a lot recently, and she also invited Morag, another old friend from school. I was a bit nervous about it at first because adding another person always changes the dynamic, and generally, when you haven’t seen someone for a good six or seven years, there’s a reason. But I had such a good laugh with them, and we went for breakfast afterwards and nattered on as though we’d seen each other yesterday.

I’ve always avoided having female friends in the past, but I think that it was mainly due to my own insecurities. It also probably didn’t help that the girl groups that I’d been in previously were straight up bitches, who fundamentally didn’t like each other. But watching Sevs and Morag interact was so heartwarming, they just love and support each other so aggressively.

Spending time with them and the Heaton lot has made me realise that a lot of the friendships that I’ve tried to cling on to, were just a bit fucking shit. It wasn’t until I made friends with other people that I began to realise that it wasn’t actually normal to have to make back up plans, because you fully expected the first person to drop out. Or to message your mates to see if anyone wanted to hang out, and have nobody reply. It’s just been so disheartening, and it’s really chipped away at me as a person. I’m at the point now where I need to protect myself from being continually hurt and let down, and I’m ready to spend time with people who actually care about me, and want me around.

Breakfast was followed by tidying my room (the state of which is always directly proportional to my mood), and then spotting a couple of my housemates sitting in the yard. It was cloudy and about ten degrees outside, but it’s the best weather that we’ve had this year, so ayyy day drinks.

About once a month, I go through a phase of desperately wanting my own place, hating my housemates, and hiding in my room because I don’t want to see their stupid faces. But little impromptu things like this stop me from leaving. Plus I’ve discovered that one of my housemates is actually me in male form, and I’m just waiting for him to work this out too so that we can become besties. Or mortal enemies.

This was followed by drinks at Fran’s new grown up flat. I started by explaining to her and Roisin where the fuck I’d been, and opening up about everything that had made me feel that way. I can now talk about it all without crying, which is progress. And then they updated me on all of the korf drama, and then we just drank, ordered way too much pizza, and chatted absolute shite into the early hours. Oh, and we also talked about how awful it would be to go blind or deaf, the discussion of which ended in a really horrible, uncomfortable silence. But I mean, other than that, it was a fun evening.

As I said, I’m still feeling very up and down at the moment. But every now and then, there’s a tiny glimpse of happiness, and I start to feel a bit like my old self.