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Moodboard for living in the United States

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skimmed to "cryptid"

Me: *slams desk* That's it! That's my wife!

Wife: ... <<; *looks at half a year old comments in Ao3* ... >>;

i was thinking this morning about how i categorize fanfic authors that i enjoy like AKC breeds and decided to share my rubric with you:

the specialist: this author has a favorite kink or trope and has written 80% of the content in that tag. you know exactly what you’re getting. they have A Brand™️. no matter what other traits they display, dedicated rare pair authors belong here.

the chocolate box: essentially the exact opposite. this author will try anything once. they have 80+ works in the fandom with no discernible pattern. the shortest one is 268 words and the longest is well over 100k. this breed of author may or may not be related to:

the renaissance fan: they’ve written three things in your fandom: your favorite fic, your notp, and a bizarre crossover with a show you’ve never heard of. you hit “expand fandoms list” on their author page and have to scroll down twice to reach the bottom. whenever you curse the fact that you can’t legally commission fic writers, this is the author you’re thinking about.

the horn dog: they’re here for one thing and one thing only. if someone’s dick is not in another character’s mouth within 500 words, they apologize for it in the author’s notes. they have one (1) g-rated fic.

the rookie: this writer is usually young, new to fandom, or just got a beta-reader for the first time. their fics are a little all over the place, quality-wise, but you’re excited whenever their name pops up because their unique voice gets stronger every time. you feel a personal investment in their development, like you’re an old man reading the local high school sports page and saying “this kid’s the one to watch.”

the live streamer: the most prolific author in the fandom. their works are all over the front page when you sort by kudos. you have no idea how they generate this much work, and have seriously wondered if they have access to an extra-dimensional time portal. their stories are usually un-beta’d and the characterization varies wildly, but their best works are inspired and you’ve read them 30 times.

the cryptid: this one comes out of nowhere every two years, drops the best fanfic you’ve ever read, and disappears. fifteen months after you left a three paragraph comment about how they changed your life, you get a message in your inbox that just says “thanks.”

the novelist: we talk about “filing off the serial numbers” when someone reworks their most popular story to pitch it as an original novel; this author somehow does the reverse. their fics are excellent, usually long-reaching multi-chapter AUs that have almost nothing to do with the on-screen characters except their names. i’d like to extend my personal thanks to this breed of author because it’s the closest i get to reading an actual book.

the reunion tour: this author wrote some of the most popular works in the fandom, but either moved on to k-pop or burned out when canon took a turn for the worse. they put out one new thing a year, often an old draft that’s been haunting them from under the floorboards. their last six author’s notes all say they never thought they’d write this pairing again and “this will probably be the last time.”

who did i miss?

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What happens when you actually have have to plan the next fic novel: a notion page.

AKA: Five Acts and over 100 scenes.

So I'm.

Busy?

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The whole “capitalism gave you the Internet” thing is especially funny if you actually work in network infrastructure, since one of the first things you’ll learn is that many software technologies that are absolutely critical to the day to day functioning of the Internet are being maintained on a volunteer basis by small, decentralised teams working in whatever free time their day jobs leave them, and that we’d have a crisis on our hands within thirty days if any one of those maintainers were to get hit by a bus and nobody stepped up to replace them. Like, the whole commercial edifice of the Internet rests on the continuous unpaid labour of a relative handful of people who are essentially just doing it for fun.

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Cat Litter works in a pinch if you can’t get out of your driveway due to either a) ice or b) slight slush!

Lawn equipment like shovels (laid flat, sharp side to the ground) can jimmy under wheels enough to get your car out of frozen soil.

If you have to drive, do it primarily in a low gear. Even on automatics, you probably have the option to force it into 1 or 2 (on the vertical shift, it’s usually the part at the bottom you never used). Try not to use the gas and instead allow your car to pull itself forward, occasionally steadying/slowing the speed with your brake.

Saranwrap/Clingwrap and tape over your window can help insulate without taking blankets from elsewhere.

If you have a gas stove, you can use a lighter/match/long, lit candle to turn on a burner by turning to the “light” (you’ll hear clicking) and putting your flame by where you usually see it on the stove. Highly recommend longer items for this: the candle, a grill lighter, a rolled up piece of paper you lit on fire with a match. If you’re new to this, you’ll want the extra distance to get used to it.

If you’re not sure what to do about your pipes, try to fill some containers with water, at least, so you have that in case things freeze or your water service goes down.

Only use your car to charge your electronics outside!!!

To those in Texas dealing with this shit show of a polar vortex, your friendly neighbourhood Canadian is here.

SO you've lost power and fucking freezing? First things first. You're going to grab literally every blanket and pillow and cushion you can find.

Grab some newspaper or other papery material, it's insulation.

Next, you're going to build yourself a motherfucking blanket fort. Keep it small but with enough space you won't feel like death.

Put the newspaper on the floor, put cushions and pillows, then your blankets. Build it up.

Any form of light source will also help (just please don't light anything on fire). Keep that there.

As for clothing, you need to layer it up. Keep moisture wicking material as a base, then build it up. You might look like the Michelan tire man or Pillsbury Dough Boy but you'll be warm.

If you have pets that are susceptible to the cold, put one of your shirts on them and bring them to the blanket fort.

KEEP YOUR TAPS DRIPPING SO THEY DON'T FREEZE.

DO NOT OPEN YOUR FRIDGE OR FREEZER UNLESS YOU HAVE TO. The temperature there will not protect your food enough.

If you have to go out at all, look for shiny patches on the road. That is black ice.

If you hit ice, don't panic, don't hit the pedals, lightly take your foot off the gas, steer into the skid to gain control again (do not over steer) and then straighten your wheel. Look where you want to go and then start slightly steering that way.

Pack clothes and blankets. Cardboard, shovel, and cat litter if you have it. This will help if you happen to get stuck.

IF YOU GET STUCK IN THE SNOW for the love of God do not just gun it. That will damage your vehicle and dig you into a bigger hole. You need to either wait for help or "rock" your vehicle. Hit the gas a little, then back off of it. Do this in a steady rhythm so that your car rocks. Rock with it.

Y'all can get through it. Stay safe my friends.

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On Blizzards

So I wrote this for a YouTube comment and felt it was worth its own post. Good luck to everyone dealing with the storm on top of everything else and be good neighbors to each other!

So I grew up in New Hampshire... which means we're pretty used to stuff like this, right? I mean, I literally have the memory of the power going out and my parents deciding that we should go out for breakfast since it probably wasn't the whole town. So my mom, dad, bro, and I pile into the family car and roll like a quarter mile down the road -- only to stop in front of a bunch of branches and half a tree dragging power lines into the street. “Huh.” “Explains the power outage.” Dad turns the car around and we take an alternate route into town for pancakes. Then I moved to North Carolina, the entire state shut down for like a quarter inch of snow and I spent that winter utterly flabbergasted by the concept of roads being pretty dead and people actually thinking it was too dangerous to go outside. People chatting about how the electric bill went through the roof (what? you can heat with electric? Isn’t that what the gas is for??). It started to make more sense when I spun out on an unplowed, unsalted *main highway* on the way to work and had to drive backwards to avoid the only other guy on the road — a small trucker — actively attempting to avoid hitting my tiny car across three lanes. It wasn’t even snowing anymore, and I wasn’t really phased, just kind of amazed that the salt was not, in fact, beneath the snow, and the ice had not in fact been scraped up. I got to work about ten minutes later and a couple of police were out front chatting with the General Manager. Apparently, I learned a few minutes later after they came to check on the small woman quietly parking a tiny car in a mostly empty parking lot, they’d asked the store to close for safety reasons. They didn’t want people getting in over their heads, driving when the roads were like this. So I asked when they were going to get cleared. Yeah, that didn’t happen for several days, after a neighboring state sent a caravan of snow plows to help. I’m pretty sure they had to plow the highway on their way in. I got to see the Public Service of New Hampshire crews a short while after again, too, when they swung down to help get the electrical grid functional again. Suffice to say… yeah, anywhere south of the Mason Dixon just isn’t built to handle this anymore than New York was built for hurricanes. Let’s try to help each other more. I know it’s not much, but telling my friends about how to save your water pipes, tricks for weather sealing doors and windows they’ve never needed to know, how to know if it’s too cold for your pets to go out, the best way to not kill yourself shoveling and how to cook food without burning the house down? That gets people through and every little bit helps.

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Come To The Fun Side: We Have Laughter And Other Healthy Coping Mechanisms

Title: The Same Hope Pairings: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker, Dooku/Sifo-Dyas (Star Wars) Rating: Explicit Summary:

That one where Obi-Wan and Anakin never sever their Force Bond, break a table and fly off into the Coruscant sunset.

Anakin and Obi-Wan run off together (dramatically), Dooku makes better choices with his life (mostly), Palpatine doesn't get why nothing is going according to plan (constantly), negative things happen to Temple furniture (accidentally), and the galaxy is never the same again.

[ Dooku signs a treaty, Anakin adopts Yavin, vod'e, Force ghosts, rescued slaves, Force sensitive children and families, and anyone and anything else he can convince to come with him. Obi-Wan just rolls with it with an annoyed sigh. ]

  --- The First Half of the Story ---

14. In Which the Authors Are Sorry For the Wait and Provide Apology Porn Yavin gets new residents, Anakin plays space-taxi, Obi-Wan plays Indiana Jones, Cody would like to know what the heck is ever going on, Padmé wonders about her life choices and everyone is Sola.

15. In Which A Lot of Serious Plot Happens But At Least Obi-Wan Looks Hot After several years on their own, The Team is used to things moving at a certain pace — the Jedi Council is unprepared.

16. In Which No One Is Sure Which Half of The Team is the Arm Candy Padmé plays dress-up, Obi-Wan doesn’t appreciate it, but Anakin does. A lot. Palpatine tries not to twitch, but it’s difficult. Dooku admits Sev’rance is adopted, immediately regrets inducting into Disaster Lineage.

17. In Which Obi-Wan Isn't Sure He's Drunk Enough For This To those of you here for the lulz (or the plot, even): we promise there are other things in this chapter even if they're bracketed by porn.

18. In Which Obi-Wan Talks to Various People Who Might Have Been Sith Lords Anakin is a good husband who makes sure the cargo is properly stowed before take-off, Dooku is a protective, but useful bastard, and Obi-Wan finally gets back to Yavin. With a Special Appearance by Darth Krayt.

19. In Which Anakin Takes Obi-Wan's Advice For Once And Of Course It's About Traps Anakin spends some quality time with younglings and Palpatine. It goes better than anticipated. Mace Windu’s day, however, does not.

20. In Which The Author Realizes She's Writing An Entire Celine Dion Album Dooku is a dramatic fucker, Jedi relationships are baffling, and the galaxy stumbles on, largely held together by desperation and creative accounting.

21. In Which Anakin Wears A Helmet Unrepentant fluff with a side of baffled Jedi.

22. In Which Krayt Tells The Sith Princess Bride Another rewritten history for another Dark Lord of the Sith.

23. In Which Ventress Isn't Used to Hero Worship Some things are cleared up, others aren't.

24. In Which We Wrap Up A Few Loose Ends... The other shoe drops. Sorry, not sorry. :3

25. In Which Something Wicked This Way Comes… Anakin and Obi-Wan spend their vacation trying to explain Yavin to a lost Jedi. He’s pretty sure they’re a cult.

--- See You In The Sequel! ---

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JJ Abrams has admitted... that he sets up mysteries in his movies without planning an answer and with no intention of actually ever answering the mysteries.... why does anyone let this man make movies? I think the Star Wars sequels really brought out the worst of this style of his. Like he set up all these mysteries, like Rey’s parents, who the fuck these Supreme Leader Snonk is, Finn’s connection with the force, with no plan ahead of time of what the answer to this stuff is. I felt like the last movie especially was affected by his “style” of pulling things out of his ass.

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Story: The Same Hope Pairings: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker, Dooku/Sifo-Dyas (Star Wars) Rating: Explicit

Some things are cleared up, others aren't.

Waifu Wine Pairing: “My Way” by Frank Sinatra

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Chapters: 22/25 Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker, Dooku/Sifo-Dyas (Star Wars) Additional Tags: Human Disaster Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Is Also A Mess Kenobi, Shatterpoints, Shatterpoints Everywhere, Fix-It, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Non-Chronological, Excessively long chapter titles because we like to think we're witty, Wine pairings, It's Not New It's Just Anakin Again, Attempt at Humor, playing fast and loose with canon, Force Bond (Star Wars) Series: Part 1 of Shatterpoint Theory Summary:

That one were Obi-Wan and Anakin never sever their Force Bond, break a table and fly off into the Coruscant sunset. Obi-Wan peace talks Dooku into a treaty, Anakin adopts Yavin, Vod'e, Force ghosts, rescued slaves, Force sensitive children and families, and anyone / anything else he can convince to come with him, and Obi-Wan just rolls with it with an annoyed sigh.

Today’s Update:

Darth Krayt attempts to explain how he ended up a) Fallen and b) on Yavin, but is interrupted every five minutes by a padawan who really should know better than to poke the bear.

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Story: The Same Hope Pairings: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker, Dooku/Sifo-Dyas (Star Wars) Rating: Explicit

Unrepentant fluff with a side of baffled Jedi.

Waifu Wine Pairing: “Not Quite Paradise” by Bliss 66

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people on here are so obsessed with trying to “moralize” every aspect of fiction i s2g….. did y’all read euripides’ medea and go “i don’t know how you can justify medea’s actions :/ she was a horribly abusive and manipulative mother :/ she literally killed her own children :/ how can you people act like it’s ever ok to read euripides :/ i guess you just like killing children i hope you never have kids you monster :/ please explain how you think this is okay :/”  like y’all really never progressed beyond those storybooks you read in elementary school designed to teach children Moral Lessons huh

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Story: The Same Hope Pairings: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker, Dooku/Sifo-Dyas (Star Wars) Rating: Explicit

Dooku is a dramatic fucker, Jedi relationships are baffling, and the galaxy stumbles on, largely held together by desperation and creative accounting.

Waifu Wine Pairing: “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” by Celine Dion (Or you can just play the out of key recorder version of “My Heart Will Go On”)

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obi-wan kenobi: the galaxy’s biggest sucker

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Story: The Same Hope Pairings: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker, Dooku/Sifo-Dyas (Star Wars) Rating: Explicit

Anakin spends some quality time with younglings and Palpatine. It goes better than anticipated. Mace Windu’s day, however, does not.

Waifu Wine Pairing: “I Believe I Can Fly” by R. Kelly