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September 7, 2023

“You can’t go back to the past just because it is familiar.”

But what do you do when all the boundaries of present and the future blur themselves into this difficult shade of blue you can’t decode. What do you do when you would just do anything to go back to that part of your life where at least something is familiar to you. Moreover, what do you do when the present does not work, the future is bleak and you don’t remember any even a single worthwhile memory to hold on to your past for.

It all feels like damn damn labyrinth, i was out of it for sometime and I really believed that i was, but now that all this has started again, was i really ever out of it? No! Some of us are really trapped inside ourselves, in our own lives and it is the toughest thing to make the people understand what we really feel at that point of time. A few days ago my friend texted me that she needs a cigarette really bad (has been trying to avoid them), i called her up and was like dude dont go down that street, but really it was so easy for me to say that. And she did tell me how i would never understand how she felt. A few hours ago i did something terrible too, as Frost would put it I took the wrong road, I took a way i knew too well, too well to even know that it was the wrong one. But right now while im writing this even im not able to imagine let alone understand what was i feeling then.

Today just happens to be one of those bad days you know, which start bad and keep getting worse and all you can do is to wait, wait for time to pass and heal all that has been eroded. I remember writing in my diary once that how, “We have all slept for nights, after which we never wished to wake up again.” Today is really one of those nights, and I do wonder that how shall it pass, but ik it will, because Shakespeare said no, “This too shall pass.” But does it really matter what Shakespeare said when he can’t feel what im feeling, and are his words but really helping me? Are my own words really helping me for that sake? Will I get over the guilt of doing what I just did and like that? Will I ever be happy? Will my words really make sense anyday?

Will i have the answers to these spirals that run down in my head?

John Green said that, “What you need to understand about me is that I’m a deeply unhappy person.” Was Green talking about me when he wrote this, i dont know. But what Ive sort of slightly understood is that my grief has become so much entwined with who i am as a person that i somehow am not really ready for it to leave me. I remember reading this post on Instagram where this person asks his friend that are we really willing to let go off our grief? I guess im never going to do that, what i have felt during my low times is something i wish to carry through my highs, for i shall always remember how far Ive come.

I really was on the good track from some days/months ago, i started to adore myself like i have never done before, but today it feels like i did away with everything with just some (8) blows. It’s like literally i took the sharpest edge of the screwdriver and dig it in my skin. Sometimes there’s so much going on in my head that i really wish it to get out through inflicting pain upon my body, like really. It goes so hard that i get an adrenaline rush from harming myself, and want to see myself more hurt after that.

i have cursed my skin a lot, a lot in the damn twenty years i have spent on this planet but today i do really feel bad for it, for i have inflicted more pain on it, than it really deserved. But isn’t life unfair to me too like that inflicting more pain on me than i deserve, than i really can take, isnt life unfair too!?

I remember this person in college I telling people how i was all about money and good clothes, i wish she could see this side of things as well. But haven’t all of us at some point of times in our lives been like her only, ignoring what the other person feels just due to the look they put out for us too see, dont we too often feel like how other people get it easy in their lives, but really are any of us getting it any easy than each other? I feel we are too broken for a generation to be. But aren’t we also broken because we were raised by a generation which was broken too? Is this world really so broken, is it as broken as my skin is, but is my skin more broken or my heart, or my poetry.

Is it a competition for being the most broken?

(Will i win)

- N

[forbidden-x-tree-mist]

Darkness has always been easier on the eyes. Walk to me in the black and forest green dress. Bring all of shadows with you. Let's give the earth beneath us new bones to break and new promises to keep. Oh sweet Darkness, embrace me.

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“Relationships aren’t about possession, jealousy or lust… relationships are about inspiration and finding someone who helps you improve yourself.”

—

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xx

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“I spent my life learning to feel less.”

—

Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Read More on wordsnquotes

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“Loving you is like a vine that creeps and grows and latches onto all things, be it physical matter or even sheer reason and sanity. If I don’t cut it back regularly, it overpowers and envelops all things until all that exists is that love. And I know it sounds beautiful… to live in a world of green. A world made entirely of loving you, filtered only through an adoration of your many wondrous qualities. But the problem with vines is they eventually crumble walls and as we both know I’m quite fond of walls. Walls are what keep the jungle out and me safe in here where I can’t become hopelessly entangled again.”

— Ranata Suzuki | Intertwined

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“Women know that we’re not just strong. We’re not just vulnerable. We are not just attractive or not attractive. We are many things at once, and we’re able to see into that complexity.”

— Elisabeth Moss

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And he lit each and every word of mine with the fire he called love

And kept the all the ash and smoke in a jar people call heart.

mirror ( why my veins are black )

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Good people do bad things. Bad people don’t only do bad things. It’s really never black or white. And I think that’s the hardest lesson I learned when I was younger. And just because a bad person does one good thing doesn’t mean they have changed. But also, does a good person continue to be good after they have done some horrible things? And we still have to stop and clarify that there is no fixed definition of good and bad. But for me, I think good people are people who live their lives in a way as to not harm others. They take that extra effort to be considerate because they think about people and things other than their own happiness and comfort. And they make mistakes too but god they try. And make a conscious effort, right? But bad people? They really think that they are the sun. And not in a way where they provide light to others but in a way where they want everything to be about them. And behave as if it actually is. I think everyone has an affair with each. And they primarily settle for the one that suits them the best. But that doesn’t mean they still don’t want to sneak a night with that they have left behind. Because memories, they haunt, no? Sometimes they remind you of who you are and sometimes they push you into being someone you thought you weren’t. And now I don’t know if I’m talking about people or relationships or life or my past. I think it’s just all the same but from different angles. Maybe I just have to figure out an angle where I can view it all at the same time to finally make sense of it. Has anybody ever been successful? Probably not. But damn. Must be not even try?

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“When you plant seeds in the garden, you don’t dig them up every day to see if they have sprouted yet. You simply water them and clear away the weeds; you know that the seeds will grow in time. Similarly, just do your daily practice and cultivate a kind heart. Abandon impatience and instead be content creating the causes for goodness; the results will come when they’re ready.”

— Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron 

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“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”

— The Dalai Lama

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“Sometimes the things we love are the things that lead us to the destruction of ourselves.”

— R.M. Drake

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“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”

— Mary Oliver

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“But I want to be better than the lessons they taught me. I want my love to be greater than my hate, my mercy to be stronger than my vengeance.”

— Amy Engel

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“the thing you are most afraid to write. write that.”

— Nayyirah Waheed