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for-the-one-i-dont-speak-to · 3 months ago

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In a world that is black and white, there are so many gray areas.

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for-the-one-i-dont-speak-to · 5 months ago

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I never understood this feeling until now. The possibility of loving someone so deeply yet disliking them as time goes on. Is it outgrowing? Is it incompatibility? The answer seems clear but I can't think of the answer I'm searching for. Many years have passed in this friendship and we've lost contact and rekindled during this time. Shared many secrets, thoughts, intrusive thoughts, hopes, desires, dreams, negative thoughts and more. I am ever thankful for you being in my life. But as we grow older I am beginning to realize that I'm building some sort of resentment or disappointment towards you, and I can't pin what word it is because it's not hatred. I wonder if you feel the same because we simply are two different people and growing into two different people as any normal person would. There's this level of uncertainty I feel when I think of us, what our friendship means, what have we learned, what have we taught, what we have been through together. It's not all for nothing. I absolutely love and adore the person you are, you are something not of this world, an angel you could put it but not exactly either. You have a passion that nobody else has, you are delicate and detailed in the work you do, you have a strong sense of self or of who you want to be, you are careful in analyzing people and situations, you are brave and courageous for the ones you love, you are an extremely admirable person. I could go on about the things I see in you. As we've gotten older I'm also seeing the things I dislike and that's what bothers me. Maybe you could say the same, however this is about my thoughts. As much as I love your passion and fire, I dislike how inconsiderate you can be towards others. The passion you feel burns so loud and bright that it doesn't matter who is in the room, everyone will feel your burn. It doesn't matter who is in front of you if you are angry, you are angry. Without a thought of who you want to hurt. I understand that you are also just a hurt person who's lived a hurtful life but where is the compassion? Especially for those who love you dearly? You have this self drive for yourself and who you want to be which everyone should be or at least try to have, but sometimes I view it as you only caring about yourself, being selfish. Which is ironic because I can name almost every person in your life you've called selfish. People have to be selfish to an extent because everyone is living in their world and needs to navigate it their own way. Selfishness is that thing you need to have in moderation. Not too much and not too little. I don't know if you are a selfish person but it feels like you are sometimes. You can be very analytical about yourself and I believe that's where the selfish part maybe stems from, you are just always worried about yourself. I think that the critical and detailed part of you is also what can make your self-esteem plummet in some ways. Not to mention your anxiety. If someone were to ask me or even if you were to ask me, "what have I done to you? For you to feel this way?" I would not be able to tell you. These feelings have just accumulated over time from small situations, small actions, small changes in body language, noticing slight changes in your tone or behavior, good or bad. I wonder if I should even feel this way because if anyone has done you wrong, it's everyone in your life including me. I have not been the greatest friend to you at some points and I honestly don't have an answer as to why. All I know is that I strive to be the perfect friend for you even if my efforts don't seem that way, that is the picture in my head, your best friend.

I have this theory about people that I can use us as an example, and it's quite interesting because I derived this theory from the show Peaky Blinders. The main character is described as a bad man who does good things. He's a man who murders and steals from other people, but then builds schools and orphanages and donates massive amounts of money to the community. What is the moral behind that? Is that even morally sound? Most people would absolutely say no, at heart he is just a bad man who tries to make up for it in his conscience by overcompensating to the community he has taken from. So what of his efforts? Are they for nothing? I strongly believe in yin & yang, that in every good there is bad, and in every bad there is good.

Now to use us as the example, I believe I am a bad person who does good things, and you are a good person who does bad things. I have done things that are not morally ethical, from the way I've treated my parents (deserved or not), to my dating history, to the way I've treated my friends including you. I can also say I've done a great deal for the people in my life; that I've tried my hardest and had to do it all by myself since high school given my childhood history. At the base of who I am, I don't think I'm a good person given my actions and also given my trauma I believe that's why I am the way I am. And I'm trying so desperately to get this bad conscience out of me by doing what I do now which is being the best I can for you and those around me. But does that change the base of who I am? I don't know. For you I strongly believe the reason people dislike or like you too much when they meet you is because you are a good person at heart and that is the base of who you are, and people can see this; it either scares them or rubs them off wrong or they are very drawn towards it. However I do believe you have done bad things (deserved or not) especially to the ones you love. The abuse you've inflicted on your partner, how unsympathetic you are towards your family, your anger and the hateful words you say or cannot control when you are enraged. You don't do anything to me to tip over the iceberg, but watching you do it consistently to others, is disheartening. You talk about fairness but I don't feel any fairness from you at all. Fairness is seeing all sides and understanding why each side has a different perspective. I think you only care about your perspective and don't even give a second thought to another's perspective. You can say you do but I don't think you truly do because if you did, you would be more considerate towards others in your anger. I think you know your morals and principles and are very adamant about what you believe is right and wrong, and I think this can cloud your judgement. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you stand for, but it can cause a blockage towards others opinions who want nothing but for you to hear them out. You know you are a good person at heart and I think that's what makes you think you are better than others. But this can cause you to think that everything you do, bad or good, is righteous because you know what you stand for. The one thing I can say I hate is your use of the word 'righteous'. You've called almost everyone in your life self righteous in any argument or disagreement. I don't know if you know the definition of it but I know you use it to tell someone that all they think about is being right. Being self righteous is thinking you are right all the time but it also means that you think your morals and principles are better than others. In any case, that means everyone in this world is self righteous because everyone has their own beliefs and principles that they live and stand by. I absolutely hate when you say it or call me that because it's not what I am. I don't think I'm better than anyone nor do I think I'm right all the time. I do believe my perspective is valid because that is how I see things and the same could be said for you or anyone else. But I don't think my morals or principles are better than anyone else's.

The last thing I dislike that I've seen is how unfair you are to me versus your family. And I actually don't even know if I should dislike this because it's your family. You expect more out of me which is understandable because I understand you more than anyone else; but it's like I have absolutely no room for mistakes or disagreements. How can you be so unfair? I let you counterpoint my opinions all the time but when I do it it's like I'm not your friend anymore. And more recently you had an issue with my partner because he is a smart mouth that nobody wants to hear but because he's my partner you don't want anything to do with him. When you've been treated worse by your own partner's family and others. There are so many examples and the biggest one is your grandma's husband James. He did something absolutely unforgivable and horrible, and sure you've moved past it and let it go and no longer let it bother you, but you still are ok with being around him. Like I said, I have no room for mistakes or disagreements. This is probably something I should bring up to you but I just don't have the energy. No energy to see if you will understand, no energy to see you disagree or argue with.

I have hope our friendship lasts forever but there things that are going unsaid and I don't know how it will affect us.

07/2024

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for-the-one-i-dont-speak-to · 5 months ago

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Everything in this life is so frivolous and unserious

07/2024

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for-the-one-i-dont-speak-to · 2 years ago

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Having high expectations and standards leaves room for a spacious amount of disappointment.

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for-the-one-i-dont-speak-to · 2 years ago

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I've felt this feeling before it's familiar, but it always feels just as good as the first time. That warm feeling in my chest and heart, my head in a daze throughout the months. The adoration is my favorite part, whether or not this person is meant to be mine or not , it just feels so...inexplicable. An indescribable feeling that generic words cannot surmount to explain what it is I'm feeling. I always hope that this is it, maybe I found my person especially when I know I only feel this way for one person but I've learned to simply love the journey they bring me. It could involve heartache, stress, and sadness but getting to know someone on an intimate level makes it all worth it.

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for-the-one-i-dont-speak-to · 2 years ago

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I've been doing some healing work on my traumas from childhood and my relationship with my dad and trying to tweak my personality a bit. It feels good to do this by myself in my head, and there's that saying you shouldn't look for the right person, be the right person first and they will find you. As I'm healing myself I've come to an interesting realization that I have not healed in my romantic relationships. Being alone has helped me come a long way but I know for certain if I were to hop into a relationship I would regress. Why is that? The answer I've come up with is that in relationships you show a different side of yourself to your partner and to yourself as well. It's a softer and vulnerable side, and I realized that being by myself has not made me softer or it doesn't even bring out a vulnerable side of me. So I cannot work on that aspect of myself, No I'm not saying I need to be in a relationship to work on a certain side of myself. However I'm aware that I need to work on my intimate side I just need to find a way to do so.

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for-the-one-i-dont-speak-to · 2 years ago

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Unprecedented adoration

11/2022

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for-the-one-i-dont-speak-to · 2 years ago

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How it started:

How it’s going:

Just a lil reminder that even if it doesn’t feel like it, even if it feels so fucking slow and you can’t see it at all, you do improve when you keep doing the thing. I love you. Hang in there.

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for-the-one-i-dont-speak-to · 2 years ago

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Random thought 6/22

Ive thought about how important is to enjoy your alone time and I been working on it relentlessly and I can say that I'm very comfortable being alone. Very much love it. But at the same I feel like in this life I have no choice but to learn how to love being alone because if I don't, I would crumble. It's not a choice for me because if I don't make sure I'm okay by myself, then who will? And it's a bit saddening because I love sharing intimate connections with people. I have to make sure I can be intimate with myself in case no one in this life will be intimate with me.

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