for-the-ninth

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Accepting that maybe even the best version of you would be hated by some people can really set you free like life doesn't have to be making other people comfortable or being the most lovable and fair person in the universe like actually the satisfaction you seek is beyond judgment and lies within your own interests and desires fr

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This is already long enough to put off all but the most avid readers, but I'm compelled to add some context and encouragement for anyone wondering if they're the one who doesn't have their shit together (you very well might be and that's okay).

I often hear some version of, "I have X, so I can't do Y." This ranges from being 100% true, to being kinda true, to being outright self defeatist.

I have a roommate who was constantly double booking and forgetting things they'd committed to. They have ADHD and are unmedicated and without a therapist. They learned how to use a calendar app (including how to sync it with their work calendar), and now they're more likely to stay on top of things. It wasn't, "I have ADHD, so I can't manage my commitments." It was, "I have ADHD, and I require specific tools to manage my commitments." They've always been capable of developing that skill. They needed an entry point.

This is true of a lot of disabilities and health conditions, especially those that effect executive functioning.

Sometimes it really is, "I can't do that. It's a hard limit." But often, it's, "I can't do that because of X barrier, and if that barrier was removed I definitely could."

This is where self work and self advocacy come in. Because sometimes the barrier is you having a low tolerance for distress, so you avoid uncomfortable things and there's an uncomfortable thing required to get X done. Sometimes the barrier is literally just you convincing yourself have no way out and no options when you absolutely do. You might not like the options and the path out might not be easy, and you might have to put on your Brave Britches and ask a homie for help, and none of that is the same as, "I can't do it."

I see so much learned helplessness among grown adults who've resigned themselves to staying stuck or flying by the seat of their pants for the rest of their life and I'm telling y'all, I get it. And, you can claw your way out of that mentality. You can learn to schedule appointments, keep your commitments, have hard conversations, self regulate, tolerate discomfort, answer texts and stop avoiding hard conversations, and all sorts of other Adult Shit, AND you can start that work any time you want.

You don't have to wait for a therapist to tell you what to do, and you don't have to wait for your partner or your friends to get sick of your shit and leave you behind. You have the entire internet at your fingers (for now), an insane number of self help books (that range from absolute horseshit to life changing advice), and (hopefully) people in your life who want to help you however they can.

You are not a rock! You can pry yourself out of the sticky miserable pit you landed in however many months or years ago at any time! You are an Autonomous Baddie who can learn new things and make positive changes whenever you damn well please! Now get out there and do it!!

I remember someone telling me a few years ago, "Don't fall in love with potential." At the time I thought it was somewhat heartless. What do you mean I shouldn't leave room for people to grow? I can't expect perfection when I'm not perfect, right?

What I've realized since is, it's not about perfection. It's about your own capacity, and someone's willingness to do the hard work of getting their shit together.

I've worked really hard on myself over the last decade. I learned how to apologize and right my wrongs, how to change habits that inconvenience other people, how to clean house, how to manage my emotions and trauma responses, how to organize a group of people and get things done, how to keep up with bills, how to stop avoiding texts and have hard conversations. The list goes on, and it's all an ongoing effort that's never truly finished.

When I met someone and saw they couldn't do those things, I always tried to meet them. I offered to do research, buy books, make appointments, be a driver, help them confront whatever scary thing they'd been avoiding. I did all the reaching out and anticipating needs and confronting hard topics and staying calm when they got defensive. I knew how hard I'd had to work and wanted to be supportive, and patient.

And what I learned is, some people don't want to make moves. Sometimes it's because they don't care how their skill deficits effect you. Sometimes it's because suffering, in all its sameness, gets comfortable, and learned helplessness steps in, convincing them to resign to their fate and give up hope.

The reason is, ultimately, irrelevant. They aren't ready to develop the skills that would make them a better partner or friend. They aren't ready to accept your help. And they're so caught up in their own suffering that they can't empathize with how any of that makes you feel, either.

So there you are, twisting yourself into knots to try and help someone because you care, and you want to ease their suffering, or because their skill deficits are negatively effecting you, or both!

It feels impossible to detach if you fear being alone, and it feels wrong to give up when you know they have potential. It feels wrong to avoid reaching out to resolve that conflict you know they're avoiding, to let them sit with their misery instead of stepping in to be the fixer. But people aren't projects. You can't fix anything, and neither could I.

An old colleague once said to me, "Sometimes you have to meet people where they are, and leave them there." I think about that phrase a lot. It's more applicable to me now, having indeed left people there. It's a frustrating reality to face, to know that at any time you could lose a connection to someone because they aren't willing to do the work yet. And it'll grind your gears to know that eventually they will do that work, and they'll be the friend or partner you deserved to someone else.

But know that the lesson in all this is really in letting go and turning inward. I know that sounds so fuckin' hokey and I'm SORRY but it's true! All that energy I spent bending over backwards to help people who didn't want to be helped was energy I could've been pouring into myself. All that hand wringing over other people's suffering was just a convenient way to avoid sitting with my own.

And now that I've developed this awareness, I can use it to develop better discernment. I am not for everyone and everyone is not for me. There are folks out there who have done the work to develop these skills and can meet me where I'm at. And every time I step away from someone who depletes my energy, I make room in my life for someone who won't.

[for-the-ninth]

I remember someone telling me a few years ago, "Don't fall in love with potential." At the time I thought it was somewhat heartless. What do you mean I shouldn't leave room for people to grow? I can't expect perfection when I'm not perfect, right?

What I've realized since is, it's not about perfection. It's about your own capacity, and someone's willingness to do the hard work of getting their shit together.

I've worked really hard on myself over the last decade. I learned how to apologize and right my wrongs, how to change habits that inconvenience other people, how to clean house, how to manage my emotions and trauma responses, how to organize a group of people and get things done, how to keep up with bills, how to stop avoiding texts and have hard conversations. The list goes on, and it's all an ongoing effort that's never truly finished.

When I met someone and saw they couldn't do those things, I always tried to meet them. I offered to do research, buy books, make appointments, be a driver, help them confront whatever scary thing they'd been avoiding. I did all the reaching out and anticipating needs and confronting hard topics and staying calm when they got defensive. I knew how hard I'd had to work and wanted to be supportive, and patient.

And what I learned is, some people don't want to make moves. Sometimes it's because they don't care how their skill deficits effect you. Sometimes it's because suffering, in all its sameness, gets comfortable, and learned helplessness steps in, convincing them to resign to their fate and give up hope.

The reason is, ultimately, irrelevant. They aren't ready to develop the skills that would make them a better partner or friend. They aren't ready to accept your help. And they're so caught up in their own suffering that they can't empathize with how any of that makes you feel, either.

So there you are, twisting yourself into knots to try and help someone because you care, and you want to ease their suffering, or because their skill deficits are negatively effecting you, or both!

It feels impossible to detach if you fear being alone, and it feels wrong to give up when you know they have potential. It feels wrong to avoid reaching out to resolve that conflict you know they're avoiding, to let them sit with their misery instead of stepping in to be the fixer. But people aren't projects. You can't fix anything, and neither could I.

An old colleague once said to me, "Sometimes you have to meet people where they are, and leave them there." I think about that phrase a lot. It's more applicable to me now, having indeed left people there. It's a frustrating reality to face, to know that at any time you could lose a connection to someone because they aren't willing to do the work yet. And it'll grind your gears to know that eventually they will do that work, and they'll be the friend or partner you deserved to someone else.

But know that the lesson in all this is really in letting go and turning inward. I know that sounds so fuckin' hokey and I'm SORRY but it's true! All that energy I spent bending over backwards to help people who didn't want to be helped was energy I could've been pouring into myself. All that hand wringing over other people's suffering was just a convenient way to avoid sitting with my own.

And now that I've developed this awareness, I can use it to develop better discernment. I am not for everyone and everyone is not for me. There are folks out there who have done the work to develop these skills and can meet me where I'm at. And every time I step away from someone who depletes my energy, I make room in my life for someone who won't.

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ya know I really thought we were past the point of ghosting the homies to avoid confrontation at this grown age but I guess all that "you don't owe anyone shit" rhetoric has really got its fangs in some of y'all huh

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if I had a nickel for every time I found out through social media instead of directly from someone's mouth that they no longer consider me a friend I'd have two nickels

which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice

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i really don’t think we talk enough about john keeping myriad-old resurrected dead on standby JUST IN CASE his current colonies go to shit. imagine you die during nuclear apocalypse and then get resurrected by some guy from new zealand and then spend ten thousand years in not-quite-alive hibernation stasis in a bone coffin on a spaceship and then you get shipped off to pluto because everyone else on pluto is either old as hell or dead. basically the plot of a bethesda game

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literally the reason online discourse is Like That is cuz ppl havent found real problems yet

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re-reading the twilight saga because I'm gonna write a wee silly little wee fanfic and it really is criminal they didn't include the blood typing scene in the movies

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i just need someone to tell me why the second we hit 30 people stop caring enough to make consistent plans with their friends and/or still have yet to develop the skills necessary to manage life stress and time in order to maintain friendships

i am so tired of meeting people where they are. i want someone to meet me where i'm at

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The healthcare strike in Portland, Oregon is in its third week with no clear end in sight. Front-line caregivers with the Providence Healthcare System negotiating union contracts at multiple hospitals that would improve employee working conditions and protect legally-mandated nurse:patient ratios so nurses don't get assigned an unmanageable and unsafe number of patients per shift. There's been some progress with negotiations, and the governor of the state is putting pressure on both sides to end the strike soon, but Providence continues to hold out on key issues.

As a float pool nurse, every shift I go to whatever floor is understaffed. In nearly every unit I've been to, there have been patients who still be in the ICU, getting one to one care. But because we don't have enough critical care staff, we transfer This is not safe for patients or staff. And it's not just medical safety. It takes time to talk out a problem instead of calling security, or to help someone with severe mobility issues go to the bathroom, or to sit with someone crying. The kind of care that makes you feel like a person, not just a patient, takes time. The more patients I have per shift, the less time I have for each of them.

A strike is our strongest negotiating tactic. And as long as we're on strike, we're not getting paid. The longer you don't get paid, the harder it is to not cross the picket line. We're already out two paychecks so far. A lot of people cannot afford to lose that much income. As the primary income earner for our household: GOD I would love to make money again. That is what Providence is banking on. They're losing a TON of money during this strike, but they've got deeper pockets than their workers. They are betting that they can survive the strike longer than the union can.

You can support the strike by donating to the Oregon Nurses Association's hardship fund which provides money to caregivers so they don't have to scab. (I'll put a link in a reblog I'll make right after posting this.) There's also a public petition you can sign that I'll also link. And if you're in the Portland area, we've got picket lines at like nine different places at any given point. Even just awareness is helpful. Providence wants people to be angry at the striking healthcare workers, not them.

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maaaaaaaaaaaan am i the only one

who just... does not understand the very specific brand of Monogamy™ that cishets practice? it's the ones who have rules for each other. no friends of the "opposite sex" (this has to be a Heterosexual Exclusive because wtf does "opposite sex" even mean when you're genderqueer lmao), or - even weirder, imo - you can have friends of the Opposite Sex, but you can only hangout with them in public??? and if you do hangout with them in public, it can't look like a date. lunches or coffee only! anything else is "disrespectful to the relationship." if you ask them what is disrespectful about this, they literally cannot articulate it. because it's made up. there are certain events the partner must be invited to, like vacations. an all-girls trip or all-guys trip is fine. but heaven forbid you take a vacation with a friend group of mixed genders without inviting your partner. no weddings without your partner either because "it's important that we look like a unit" (yes, that is an actual thing i've seen said, and i'm sorry you had to read it too).

apparently, it is also frowned upon to talk to friends (this is, again, mostly true of Opposite Sex Friends) about anything involving sex or other forms of physical intimacy. because i guess just talking about sex will eventually lead to actually having sex with this person, maybe?? i don't pretend to understand the logic. no comforting your Opposite Sex Friends physically either. even if someone dies or gets broken up with, it'd better be a quick non-lingering hug and nothing else! (yes, i've seen this too.)

it just boggles my mind. and you question them on it and they can only recite one line: "it's just disrespectful to me/the partnership." okay, but how? why are people suddenly expected to give up their autonomy just because they started fucking you? it's weird!!

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Pup interrupts soccer match, gives interview.

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Nah sis you most definitely ARE a fool if you don't think we didn't already snatch that shit off rebels and dhm literally yesterday.

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damn ok lake superior

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no, spotify, i don't want to use ai to "turn my ideas into playlists". i already fucking do that with my brain and hands and i do it for fun. what, should i get ai to pet my cat for me? to play my silly games for me? to spend time with my beautiful wife for me? how about i rend you asunder

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My deepest fantasy is to be mercymorn's stupid underling who she treats like I'm useless but due to my many years in customer service and my blatant autistic tendencies I pretend I'm too oblivious to notice until she has to admit her days are much easier when I'm working versus admiral sarpedon and gradually my combination of feigned innocence, ability to empathize without technically agreeing to anything, genuine human emotion peeking out from underneath several tantalizing layers of deflection, and let's be real my status as a nonthreatening gay friend remind her of the past she's left behind and she finally imprints on me to the point where she's left broken when I leave for $2 more per hour at a different job and has to confront who she truly is in a way she hasn't in 10 thousand years