fog-minded

[fog-minded]

Lingering..

I want to feel okay. Every entry I write is depressing, but that is how I feel and I want to express it. I’d love to write uplifting inspirational things, but I’d be lying. I already feel like I do that enough.  I’ve felt more alone than usual lately, so much that I’ve been crying myself to sleep. The ones that are close to me don’t really feel that close, I’ve never felt more misunderstood than I do lately. The other night I had a new suicidal thought, a different way to do it. It was like a weird fantasy dream I had, only it wasn’t a dream. It was just a weird thought I had before falling asleep, like a story I played out. I hung myself outback, but before I did that I made a facebook post. Jana read it and told sky to come check on me, but sky told her she couldn’t cause she wasn’t home. Jana drove over and found me but it was too late. There were cops and yellow tape everywhere. I don’t like thinking about these things, it just happens. I remember thinking that if I did it this way it would be less messy, maybe less traumatizing for whoever found me. I hate these thoughts, they never leave. So yesterday I started taking 10mg of lexapro again, I’m not sure it will help but I have to try. 

[fog-minded]

I don’t know where I went wrong with you.

It’s discouraging to hear those words, I think it would be for anybody no matter who it came from. Yesterday my mom said that to me when I explained that I was scared and unsure about getting the vaccine. Her choice of words hurt more than I let her know. When I brought it up again she tried to back track and re-iliterate, stating that she meant she doesn’t know where the fear has come from that would make us make such an irrational decision about protecting the safety of others. It doesn’t matter, she said what she said. I let it sit, and I let it hurt. Pushing me more away, I’m not sure how much farther I can get. Always feeling like an outcast in my family. 

[fog-minded]

At a loss

How come the sweetest and most innocent of souls go through the most turmoil? It puts me at a loss. I truly believe there is if only a small ounce of good in every soul, no matter how reckless they may be. But why is it that the ones with every single ounce of their soul is filled with goodness and the purest of intentions are brought through the dark so much? My dear friend is on a vent today and fighting for her life with three young children hoping and praying she’ll make it through. This friend is one of a kind, a special soul that doesn’t exist often in our lives. In the short time that i knew her she put me at ease and I felt that I could tell her anything. I don’t open up easily to others and sharing anyting personal from my past is something I don’t often do. With her it just came easy, and she was so kind and thoughtful without a second thought. We related in so many ways. She reached out to me many times wanting to meet up for dinner after work and at the time I was not in a good head place and resisted. Now I regret it. She left her job shortly after and we lost touch, oh how I regret it. Your beautiful soul will not be forgotten Anita, please keep fighting. 

[fog-minded]

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I hope you're all doing fine. 💕

[fog-minded]

i needed to read this

[fog-minded]

Here I am again

It’s September 5th, 2021. So much has changed since my last entries, and yet so little. I’m still sad and numb, empty. Life still feels meaningless at times. I feel that a big part of that reason is because I haven’t truly found myself, no confidence in who I truly am or who I want to be. I do feel that I am doing a little better, so that’s something to cheer for. I start my new job on the 13th at Job Corps, I’ll no longer be a CNA. That’s a big change, I hope it helps. I’m not on any anti depressants and I’m scared my anxiety will be bad be because those pills did always seem to help with my anxiety. I just didn’t want to take them because I was scared of taking them for long periods of time, there’s no real studies on the long term effects. I did hear about some adults having tremors from long time use of them, I do not want that. No worries though they can fix the tremors with more pills. No pills for me. 

I’m dating Jacob now, I love him. He is young and lost as I am, but so kind and passionate. He loves the dogs equally as I do, and that is something I love about him. His goofy side is something I admire and share with him. We’ve had a rocky time recently where we were close to breaking up. There were a few days where we were broken up but still living together. It was awful,  no more saying I love you or touching each other. There was so much tension. It really made me realize how much I loved him and would miss him when he left. I do not want him to leave. My unhappieness is not on him, it is on myself. I just hope I can fix it with him still here. My new job should help I hope. It is so close to my house, right around the corner. I love that. My current job is so emotionally draining, the days when we are short staffed are the worst. Patients are neglected and I feel it is on me, there is so much expected of me and I feel like a failure when I cannot meet their needs. 

I still miss my dad and my family. So distant with my siblings and my mom, we don’t have that closeness that other families have. Especially Jake’s family. I see the love they share and it almost makes me sick, uncomfortable. The lack of affection I recieved as a child is to blame for that. I almost feel that I was put on the back burner as a kid, no one wanted me to see what was going on because they didn’t think I could handle it. That left me this way, maybe. I don’t know. When will I not feel broken? What will it take? I always have this weird ongoing thought that I won’t really have a future cause I’ll be gone anyways because eventually I’ll take my own life. There I said it. It’s like this impending doom that awaits me. Doesn’t get much more depressing than that right? It’s not what I really want though. I swear it isn’t. It’s just a thought that never goes away. Make it go away. I don’t want to think like that anymore. Such darkness. I want peace of mind. I want to practice spirituality and self healing, I even bought crystals that I don’t use. Someday I will. Rainy days are for reflecting and journal entries. I’ll try to write more. Between this and my journal that I write in. I like to look back at how depressed I was and how depressed I am now.  A timeline of my miserable self, lovely. I think part of the reason to is cause I worry about my memory and how bad it is. So it’s also nice to look back on entries and try to remember what I was like then. 

How do I want to be? Still kind, compassionate, an abundance of patience. I like those qualities about myself. I wish I had more confidence in my appearance. I seriously dig myself into a black hole about my facial expressions because when my face is relaxed I look disgustingly miserable. Which I very well might be, but that isn’t my fault. It’s just my face. I want to be more optimistic. I love that I am open-minded and look for the good in people. But i want to be more optimistic with my own life. More driven, more comfortable in my own skin. I want to be more comfortable with the words I speak. I’m always so causeous in social settings, my social anxiety takes over. 

[fog-minded]

The days fly by and nothing changes. Months turning into years, yet still I feel this way. Six different anti depressants, three different counselors, 3 new jobs, a new home. You cannot say I have not tried. What you can say, is that I am feeling discouraged. Defeated if you will.

I miss my dad. I miss my family who no longer keep in touch. I miss my friends whom I’ve pushed away. But most of all, I miss myself. 

My sister said to me “it’s hard to keep relationships when you don’t feel solid”. This is probably the most relatable and truest thing she’s ever said to me. 

This tunnel of darkness I’ve been in is menacing. My inner demons have taken a hold, I can feel them swarming through me wiping away any piece of hope. I see no light. 

[fog-minded]

Like a chandelier

Feelings of sadness and self-doubt come in waves, crashing through my tiresome brain and destroying anything that may fight against them in their path. Like a relentless virus. Or a helpless critter being chased by it's prey with no escape. No trees to climb or holes to burrow. Sure I can sit under my rock, it's where I've been. But that doesn't make the bad feelings go away, it feeds them. Then you'd say, so come out from under your rock and see it's not so bad. You don't know how wrong you are. It's an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, my demons have taken control again. 

This is dark, I know that. Putting my thoughts here may help. Maybe it won't, but it will not hurt to try, right? 

Suicidal thoughts are still always in the back of my mind. Tiny fragments of time they've left, but they always return. Hovering like a vulture over roadkill. The fantasy of what if. What if I did it. I already decided the way, razers and a bath tub. There would be absolutely no screwing that up because I would bleed out and no one checks up on me enough to save me in time. So why haven't I? Because I know what a mess I would leave behind. Not the tub filled with blood, the hearts of so many that are already in pieces. I care too much to do that. I care. That is my best quality I suppose. 

I don't want to die. What I want is to not want to feel the weight of the monsters inside me anymore. There are days, more than less, the suffication feels like it is no longer bareable. Like a chandelier hanging by a thread. That chandelier is me. One wrong move and I come crashing down. Poke if you will, I just might explode. 

I take it day by day, my co worker asks how I'm doing and every cell inside me starts shaking. I can feel my face get hot. Is it red? Oh God I hope it isn't red how embaressing. My chest gets tight. My stomach is in knots. What's wrong with me? I break eye contact and tell them I'm doing okay. Lying is easier. If I were to be honest though, exposing myself to the vulnerability and judgement, that alone could cause my string to snap. I lie and take the easy way out, over and over again.

[fog-minded]

Nothing will ruin your 20’s more than thinking you should have your life together already.

[fog-minded]

The truth is none of us are easy to date, deal with, or please all the time. We have our vices, attitudes and way of doing things that make us who we are. You won’t like everything about somebody, it’s impossible. This is life and it isn’t about finding the perfect person, it isn’t about living some fairy tale. It’s about finding something you’re willing to work for, with somebody who’s willing to work with you that simple. Find someone who has a heart for you and never stop fighting for them.

Anonymous (via wnq-anonymous)

[fog-minded]

Not everyone is passionate about seeking truth. Some are content just to hang loose.

Bruce Adler (via wnq-writers)

[fog-minded]

[fog-minded]

Why do I always feel that I am losing myself ? Most people have good days and bad days - lately I have no good days. Depression eats my thoughts and leaves nothing but a black cloud of misery. I want to be happy , I know it's possibly because at one time I was.

[fog-minded]

What would happen if our soulmates leave this world without having the chance to meet or even just see us? 

Is that why we feel sad sometimes? Because we miss that someone we never had the chance to be with but the one perfect for us?

[fog-minded]

[fog-minded]

I don’t just want words. If that’s all you have for me, you’d better go.

F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned (via help-n-quotes)

👇🙌

[fog-minded]

Why does everything hurt? Why won’t the pain stop? Why won’t it go away. They only thing I’m asking for is for this pain to leave me alone.