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i dont know what to do with myself.

normally when i get stuck out here, im in what others say is a flash back, and i have to do icky stuff to make it go away, and by the time i do that, i pass out or lose touch with here again anyways.

today they told me to please at least try doing a thing they have been asking a few times and since i had already gotten up for other things before dealing with the ickies, i did that, and instead of having to feel icky for ages and then doing icky stuff, now I'm just laying here confused and not sure what to do.... I've never had time to exist outside without the icky feelings.... I don't know what to do with it....

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so sick of this shit.

its not worth eating or doing anything when even therapy is useless. so im just not eating. or getting out of bed. im just laying here and happen to be on call with partner.... i guess depressed as fuck

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yeah so therapy is useless and we are stuck with her basically because we aren't going to be staying in this area for even a full year longer most likely. like. a huge distance move.

she just insists everything is trauma work and that everything comes down to trauma and figuring out how it works in our system without making really any suggestions at all herself. we're having to do all the heavy figuring shit out in our system ourself with no hints other than suggestions from friends who are getting actual effective therapy and have already started the process of healing properly .....

like yes, it's mostly trauma work. but the issues right now are with the F*ING SYSTEM ITSELF, NOT THE TRAUMA. what the heck ever. therapist is useless and manipulative enough to coerce everyone who sees her into continuing to see her. whatever the f.

i just want a therapist that isn't going to try to tell us that we are smart enough to figure it out for ourselves while at the same time saying we are so smart we managed to not develop DID with our system that they do still recognise as a full system.

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I'm so sick of being awake again already. I just want to get rid of everything and destroy everything we have. something something burn it all to the ground.

could just destroy ourself instead. Wonder how well that would go. I just feel disgusting and awful.

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really funny when we get a thought in our head that is incredibly opposite to what we're actually thinking and then we're just like "hey, wait a second, who thought that? Who Thunked"

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its weird seeing people fight over whether traumagenic nondisordered systems are valid and my therapist basically labels me as one while all my friends encourage me to find a new therapist because I'm so disordered system wise.

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apparently we upset a friend and in attempt to change the topic they thought we were explaining ourself for it. now even more hostile at ourself and the last damage to self is fully healed so it's available to do damage again...... i dont feel like mediating myself because i was trying to reach out for a distraction and it made it worse.

i dont think our therapist knows we are in the self harm cycle again ........... I dont dare tell her in case she tries to stop us. its the only thing keeping me sane. I'm sorry we need it right now. I'm sorry it sucks while healing. it keeps our brain working properly and that's what we need ....

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I'm sick of how fucked our brain is. I didn't even know we had this blog. Or that we still had a Tumblr at all. But apparently we do. And we use it?

But we are so screwed up. There's almost only non adults active in our system. We are far from being new to adulthood...

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hypersexual little that retraumatises themselves during a flashback... woo ..... totally not talking about myself.... I'm not little ..... the others don't know what they are talking about.....

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we are switching so often. this can't be healthy, but we can't seem to hold front for more than 20 minutes before switching again....

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I'm really stressed right now. we don't have any adults anymore it seems. everyone is younger than 16. our body is way older. i dont know why or whats going on to cause that. the point of tracking stuff was to find the adults so we could have them work instead but this is just bad.....

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This is one of the invisible people.

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This is something that helped me tonight. Maybe it can help someone else.

dear systems,

— its okay to have inconsistent amnesia barriers.

- its okay to not recall times when you were fronting.

- its okay to have full amnesia blocks sometimes, and emotional amnesia other times with no identifiable pattern.

- its okay to not have amnesia between switches sometimes.

— its okay to not have gatekeepers.

- its okay to not know if you do or do not have any gatekeepers.

- it is okay to wish you had a gatekeeper.

— its okay to have no control over switches.

- its okay to switch frequently.

- its okay to have a low splitting tolerance.

— its okay to be polyfragmented.

— its okay to have no communication.

— its okay to feel upset that youre a system.

- its okay to feel frustrated that these things are out of your control.

- its okay to not be making any “improvements” in communication or functionality.

- its okay to be angry.

— its okay to be scared.

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I'm one of the ones without a name. It seems more and more likely that very little of our system is adults... the ones that are, age regress most of the time at least. Worried that we won't have anyone to work at our job as an adult part instead of littles after all.

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today we had therapy. i think it went well. the others aren't as upset or angry about it anymore. we are supposed to be labelling who is around so therapy can know who the adults that are around most often are. I'm not really adult but I'm wynnie. technically get labelled adult.... not really adult...

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today has been kinda bleh. i dont remember most of it. im one of the invisible people. no one believes we exist outside. they think we are a type of insider.

i doubt our therapist thinks we are real either. she's met some of us but we are too scared to tell her what we are. she believes we are a system but she is so against anything that makes it sound like our system is unhealthy, that we are scared to share that we are that invisible audience the normal therapy goers are scared of....

we don't have names. we are many. we weren't allowed names. a lot of us want names.... but it's too scary to think of having one in case someone tries to control us again. we are the reason we survived all the control without being controlled. not having a name means you can't be controlled. you can be bossed around but you can't be owned. others around you they think you are can be controlled but they don't control YOU because you aren't them.

i dont think our therapist understands how aware our family was that we are a system and took advantage of it....

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we are a system. I'm setting up this blog so we have a place to let any of us ramble or scribble our thoughts somewhere. feel free to follow along if you want.