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Taylor Swift arrives in New York in STUNNING floor-length suitcase
NEW YORK CITY, NY – Well thanks to Taylor Swift’s innovative style, it’s official what the fall fashion craze will be: Suitcases!
After Swift, a country-music-turned-pop-turned-kind-of-annoying-but-shit-her-music-is-so-good-turned-interrupted-by-Kanye-so-I-kind-of-feel-bad-for-her-turned-f-this-betch-she-left-Spotify-turned-ok-back-on-Spotify-and-back-in-my-good-graces star, recently was seen leaving LA inside a suitcase. Some speculated she was hiding from media, but sources ensure it is only the latest fashion trend this mogul is pushing.
Swift arrived at LaGuardia Airport earlier this evening with a heap of coach passengers including pissed off business professionals and families on vacation waiting for their luggage. Swift, dressed in a STUNNING Samsonite black floor-length suitcase circled the luggage carousel for twenty-seven minutes before anyone realized it was Swift.
“I waited about twenty minutes to get my suitcase,” said frustrated passenger, Elaine Nelson. “I was the last person around to see my luggage come through, but there oddly was one more suitcase left.”
A suitcase left alone for that long began to worry people, and it was reported. Due to security protocols, the airport was evacuated, the SWAT team stormed in, and a bomb squad in a full gear moved in to dismantle what they assumed was a bomb. It was not until the suitcase seemingly started singing about its horrible relationships with chauvinistic, pig male suitcases, when people began to realize it really was a bomb- BOMB ASS MUSIC! Nerves turned to jubilation as everyone realized it was Swift. “You should have seen those SWAT team guys totally fan girling!” exclaimed head of security at LaGuardia Airport, Nancy Standle.
Before long, the paparazzi stormed into baggage claim to get their pictures and a word from the star. “Taylor looked AMAZING!” says GossipGurrrrl.com contributor, Lauren Bates. “I mean not everyone can pull off wearing a suitcase, but she owned it! I already texted my fiancé that I am wearing a white suitcase as my father roles me down the aisle!”
“This is such an important day for women,” says Womenstruation writer, Samantha Newton. “What better way to kick the patriarchy in the biological but not chosen male sex organ than to harbor all your feminist power inside a suitcase!”
“Here are 12 reasons the Internet is LOSING ITS MIND over goddess Taylor’s new suitcase outfit,” says BuzzNeed.com blogger, Mike Luther, giving his unsolicited two cents. “And you won’t believe #6!”
After the paparazzi hoopla left, still no one came around to pick up Swift. LaGuardia Airport says she can be picked up at the Unclaimed Baggage Center during regular business hours.
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Area man decides to enter adulthood by buying tissues instead of just using toilet paper
DENVER, CO – Adulthood can come at various times: Legally, it’s the age of 18; for Jewish people, it’s the Bar/Bat Mitzvah; and for local man, Trent Forrester, it was when he decided to buy actual tissues instead of using toilet paper.
“At first, I just used TP because I was lazy and frugal,” says Forrester, which he admits is a combination that influenced his diet of Ramon, store-brand granola bars, and going home to take leftovers from his parents. “I didn’t mind for the longest time. The only iffy time was if I was on the can and needed to blow my nose. Timing and location of where the TP goes is key. I’ve made that mistake more than once.”
Forrester’s a-ha moment came at an unexpected moment. “I was actually Netflix and chilling with my girl recently, and we were watching Click, that emotional AF Adam Sandler movie. Like where did that come from? I was looking forward to just making out with weird Sandler noises in the background, but I was emotionally fu**ing invested in this film! My girl started making a move, and I was like, ‘Yo, he just ignored his father who’s about to die!’ I was tearing up, and went to get a roll of TP. I walked back, and my girl took one look at me and left. Maybe she thought I had shit myself out of sadness? I’m not sure, but that was the last straw. I marched to the nearest store, stocked up on actual tissues, and cried my friggin eyes out with the cashier, Dave, who also shared my affinity for Click. Arm-in-arm, tears flowing, he brought me to the $1 DVD basket overflowing with Click movies. I knelt down and prayed, thanking God for this masterpiece of cinematic genius, and then I bought eight copies.”
Forrester says he owes his adulthood to Adam Sandler. “I mean without him, I for one, would still be wiping my eyes and ass with TP, but I would also emotionally still be a child if I hadn’t seen Click. I have my life before I saw it, and my life after, and it taught me how to express emotions I didn’t even know I had.”
What’s next for new adult Trent? “The fact that he and the movie were snubbed from the Oscars is a travesty, and I will spend the rest of my days fighting for him. But aside from that and anticipating the next emotional piece of Sandler perfection, I think I might buy more than one towel, so I don’t have to use the same one to dry my dishes and my butt crack.”
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Local grocery store to invest in self-driving carts
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – How do you make fat Americans shopping for food even fatter? Put them in a cart that moves on its own. That’s the idea behind genius grocery giant, Gary Grennan’s push for automated carts in all of his stores. 78-year-old badass, Gary Grennan, is the Gary behind Gary’s Groceries, a popular grocery store chain in cities other than the one you live in.
Gary wasn’t always on the cutting edge of technology though. “I didn’t install electronic cash registers in my stores until 2002,” he claimed. “There are three things you should never trust: Tax collectors, communists, and computers. I always assumed computers were made by communists to steal my food.”
So what caused Gary’s change of heart? “I was an early investor in La Croix, ya know, that drink chicks drink all the time? Yeah, the key to its popularity is great flavors and no calories…and also a little bit of cocaine. So it flies off the shelves and the money flies into my pocket. So then all of the sudden, I had this ‘R&D’ budget, and I started thinking of horrible things in the grocery store: Cart crashes (so embarrassing), nannies having to hire their own nannies just to go to the store, and fat people having to walk from the frozen food section to the heartburn medication aisle. So enter my self-driving carts to solve those problems. Also, there’s this weird fad started by Mariano’s where you buy a glass of win and then shop? Makes no fu**ing sense, but I had to jump on that train, so self-driving carts also cuts down on people getting behind the bars of a cart and shopping under the influence.”
Not everyone is on board with the idea though. “Where will it end?” asks Gary’s Groceries patron, Janet Dorion. “How many people will miss out on meeting their true love by bumping into their shopping cart, and then looking up apologetically, locking eyes, and falling in love? What will happen to the Shopping Cart dance move? That’s my favorite! And what if you just need a few items and you grab a basket?”
“The baskets become drones,” says Gary, the fu**ing genius. The grocery experience has been disrupted, and it’s all thanks to the Steve Jobs of grocery stores, Gary Fu**ing Grennan. What’s next for Gary? “More of a humanitarian effort. I want to put self-driving carts in the hands of every homeless person.” F**k yeah, Gary.
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Airplane etiquette over who gets the middle arm rest goes to the Supreme Court
WASHINGTON D.C. – With the political arena overflowing with various debates, it’s nice to see the Supreme Court honing in on the crucial issues. Earlier today, the nine robed rangers met to hear the hallmark case, Mitchell vs. Stoyle. Matt Mitchell and Dorothy Stoyle sat next to each other on a plane in April 2016 and both claimed ownership of the armrest in between them.
The flight began normally, according to the official report, but before long, the two passengers began verbally and then physically fighting over the shared armrest.
“I paid extra to have the aisle seat,” says Mitchell. “I have an incredibly overactive bladder, so I need to be ready to bolt to the bathroom at any given moment. The plane provides complimentary beverages in what’s essentially a shot glass filled to the brim with ice, but despite consuming about 2 ounces of a beverage, I urinate about a gallon. Other bladder triggers on planes are take off and landing, which is problematic when you’re told to be seated; being told to sit in my seat for some reason makes me need to go even more; and Hugh Grant movies on the flight for some reason make me go really badly. Anyway, I need to have the aisle seat, I pay extra for it, so I should get the armrests that go with it.”
“The middle seat is the worst, everyone knows that,” explains Stoyle. “But I actually prefer it. Sure, it could feel crowded, it’s tough to get out to go to the restroom, and the views subpar, but knowing those disadvantages is why the advantages exist. Namely, because the middle seat is a worst-case scenario, etiquette says you have access to both armrests and you control the conversations on either side. If you want to chat up your row buddies, they should surrender the shared armrest and humor your conversation since you have a horrible seat and they feel bad for you.”
The window seat passenger, Devon Ridge, who enjoyed both of his armrests, as Stoyle was so preoccupied, offered compromising ideas. “I told them to switch off every half hour or to start bidding for it, but they ended up trying to both be on it. Of course this was after some heated verbal and semi-physical alterations (slapping and throwing water in faces, etc.) so they were pretty sweaty and didn’t care for the feeling of the other person’s sweat.”
One man from a nearby aisle seat who had broken both shoulders and was not using armrest offered to switch seats. Both Mitchell and Stoyle declined, citing, “it was out of principle at this point.”
The two passengers actually kept purchasing tickets for flights that followed their own as to not allow the other to “win” out with the armrest. So by the time they were forced out ten hours later, they were over a thousand miles away from their initial destination. The case began in circuit courts and moved its way to the Supreme Court.
UPDATE: Because the altercation initially began over the Atlantic Ocean, Maritime Law was ruled to settle this. According to sea law, Stoyle and Mitchell were to settle the altercation over an arm wrestle. After the Pay Per View wrestling match aired, it was unclear who won, but ended with Mitchell and Stoyle making out and fornicating on the table. It was pay per view, so whatever. Anyway, they got married and ironically could not stay off one another on the flight to their honeymoon and took the armrest up.
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Teenage chimp threatens to run away from zoo, citing no one understands him
CHICAGO, IL – Teenage years can be a taxing period of time no matter what species you are. With skin so oily, rich Texans want to drill into your face, it’s generally an awkward time. One commonality that is true for humans as well as chimps is the need for independence. Local chimp, Two-Two, has had about enough of the zoo life.
“Well, first off, my f***ing name is Two-Two,” we translated from Two-Two. “I get it. It’s cute and hilarious to name a chimp that for being born in 2002, the year sequels to Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and Men in Black came out. That’s not terrible, but I saw pictures and the zookeepers used to dress me in a tutu! And look at this!” Two-Two then made it abundantly clear that he is in fact a male chimp.
“No one understands me, ya know?” Two-Two continued as he blew bangs of hair out of his line of vision. “I’m just so sick of being here in this zoo like some sort of caged animal! Wait, don’t put that in. That sounded dumb. It’s just my parents don’t get it. They grew up in the ‘80s when people didn’t take as many pictures of them at the zoo. They just had creeps with mustaches and fanny packs. Nowadays, everyone is taking pictures on their phones of me when I look horrible, or when I actually look pretty solid, they pay more attention to their fidget spinners. One of these days, I’m just gonna run away and King Kong the shit out of the John Hancock Building. Try and stop me.”
“Despite what Two-Two thinks, we do understand him,” says zoologist, Debra Penny. “I mean for f**k’s sake, I just translated everything he just told you. Two-Two has been showing more and more signs of acting out. His mother just gave birth to a new Chimp, named Seventeen (we’re not very creative), and he feels like she gets more attention. He has also been slinging more fecal matter than the average chimp, and an alarming amount of it is landing in the ice cream cart, which has become an issue in taste for a couple people. Most weirdly like it.”
“What the f**k is she saying? I can’t understand your stupid language!” Two-Two exclaimed moodily.
“Anyway, we are trying to create a safe environment for Two-Two, you know, keeping him away from koala bears who want to eat eucalyptus leaves with him, keeping him away from baboons who tend to like to engage in feces fights, and definitely keeping him away from human teenagers, because they are wild, nasty, mean, and generally smell horrible. Isn’t that right, Two…Where did he go?”
Just then, we saw Two-Two who had caught the eye of a female chimp named Sidewalk (not a creative naming team), and once again, Two-Two made it clear that he was a male chimp. Teenagers, am I right??
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Area high school hosts 10-year reunion on Tinder
Cincinnati, OH – Human connection has gone far beyond a handshake and a hug. Today, people can connect over the Internet from every corner of the world. What once were pen pals now exist in the form of instant messaging and video chatting. People these days can have full meetings across the country and catch up with friends scattered around the globe. This virtual meeting sensation was the central idea for Carrington North High School’s Class of 2007 10-year reunion.
“We’re Millennials, so we’re very used to the idea of meeting someone without being in person,” says class president, Pat McMahon, who, despite having no computer science background, is “developing” an app that will use face recognition and Twitter history to determine which Everybody Loves Raymond character a user most resembles. He will call it Appverybody Loves Raymond.
“As Millennials, a lot of my class is still single, living with our parents, and not really sure what we want to do with our lives. We can’t all be rising app developers like me!” McMahon paused for either laughter or applause on a phone call between just the two of us. “My point is that we are lazy go-getters, meaning we want success, but will use any tool to get us there more easily. We don’t have time to date, nor are we willing to grow a pair and actually talk to someone that attracts us. So that’s when I had a brilliant idea to fuse two ideas together. No matter where the class reunion was going to be held, people were going to revisit the hormonal and horniness of high school and want to hook up, so I decided to cut right to the chase and host the reunion on Tinder. That way, we won’t have to lie about how great our lives are post-grad to impress the others. We can just let our Tinder profiles do that. It’s their purpose anyway.”
“I really like the idea,” says former student council representative, Mary Caldwin, who is now an activist/artist who makes anti-government water color paintings using water from Flint, Michigan. “I have several Bumble, Match, and RuralCatOwnersWhoAreNowUrbanCatOwnersButAreAlsoOpenToDogs.com dates that night, so I can easily chat with my classmates throughout the night and maybe get even more dates!”
“I don’t like the idea of going to my reunion on Tinder,” says former star quarterback, Craig Gleason, who is now an assistant manager at a bowling alley/miniature golf course hybrid. “I replace a lot of f***ing windmills, because the balls a so f***ing heavy. But anyway, more specifically, my wife doesn’t like the idea of the reunion on Tinder. Yeah, I actually got married to the nurse that cared for me after I drunkenly drove a golf cart into the pond after losing my football scholarship senior year. I lost my scholarship for a separate, but similar golf cart incident. I just think it’s going to be tough to be platonic on that app. Like what if some chick invites me to go drinking on the golf course. I’m a weak man!”
The jury is split on whether a high school reunion on Tinder will be successful or not, but it surely will be convenient to attend from the comfort of their parents’ basement, an unfortunate déjà vu to some of their proms.
UPDATE FROM AFTER TINDER REUNION
“Yeah, it was kind of a disaster,” explains McMahon. “At first it was fun to catch up and flirt a little bit, but then I found myself thumbing through my yearbook trying to remember some of the more ‘eager’ ladies, only to find out they were Tinder bots! Oh yeah, and our pervy janitor, Mr. Larkins, somehow got wind of it, and started being creepy to everyone. I actually heard he ended up on a midnight golf cart ride with Craig. Next reunion will definitely be in person, or maybe AIM for old time’s sake.”
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Bathroom attendant rethinks his career choice
CHICAGO, IL – In a world full of automated machines, one career that has somehow survived technological advancement is the bathroom attendant. Oddly, everything in the bathroom has become automated: toilets, urinals, sinks, soap dispensers, hand dryers, and paper towel dispensers. Yet, the bathroom attendant lives on.
“It has definitely been a trying time for my career,” says Sam Blume, a bathroom attendant of twelve years at a local bar. “Even when I began my career and you had to turn on the faucet by hand, people kept telling me my job was obsolete, so you can only imagine the confusion when someone goes through the machine-automated experience of going to the bathroom, only to guilt them into tipping me for doing something a machine one foot away could have done for free.”
Bathroom attendants date back centuries. Early caveman drawings suggest there were cavemen who were neither hunters nor gatherers. Instead, they were to stand in caves and wait for other cavemen to do their business, and they would spit on each man’s hands as a way to clean them. Bathroom attendants are rooted in the timeless stereotype that men are dirty creatures. “Men have always been thought to be not only dirty, but also too stupid to figure out how much soap to put on their hands and where the paper towels are,” says Dr. Hector Munsk, a historian specializing in bathroom attending. “The dawn of automation has taken a toll. Unfortunately for men, society still thinks they are still too dumb to get their own soap. Unfortunately for bathroom attendants, it is threatening their jobs, rendering them stupid men without jobs.”
“The best case scenario for me is when someone lets me soap and towel them, they grab a couple dollars to tip me, and they realize their hands are dirty from the money, so I soap and towel them again, and it’s a cycle that can last for hours, since men are inherently dumb. But that rarely happens,” explains Blume. “I’ve had to adjust the way I attend. The key is to step toward the man approaching the sink before he gets to the automated soap.”
“I don’t like that,” says local bar-goer, Kevin Livingston. “I feel like he’s forcing himself into my wallet. Like I never agreed to his soap, but now that he’s squirted it into my hands, I feel like I have to pay him. I’m a strong, independent grown-ass man who can decide how much soap I need!”
Blume also has other tactics to entice men to his attendant station. I have a bowl of necessities; you know candy, gum, condoms, the works. Guys come in, take a handful and leave me a generous tip. It’s not always great though. One inebriated client opened a condom and started chewing it. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it wasn’t gum. Hopefully it somehow protected him from oral herpes?”
Blume has considered changing his career. “It’s a dark future for us. I’ve started offering my services to the last un-automated aspect of the bathroom experience: butt wiping.”
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Couple decides if they want to tell people they met online
NEW YORK, NY – With so many ways to date these days, it’s never been sadder to be single. There are so many niche sites and apps that if you’re a straight black Christian farmer who is divorced and dabbles in gay hookups, you have at least 72 different dating apps specific to you. There are, however, some social drawbacks to online dating. Most notably, there is a stigma where online daters feel embarrassed about admitting they met online. “It’s just, yeah we technically started talking online,” says Jonathan Peters, who started dating Lauren Green two months ago, “but I am pretty nervous to tell people we didn’t meet in person.”
“Well technically, we met each other in person at a late night burrito place,” says Lauren. “It was really cute actually. We had been flirting through the app for days, and he messaged me that he was wasted and getting food. Oh and that he was horny.”
“I was the three H’s: hammered, hungry, and horny, and I was already drunk and eating, so all I needed in that burrito place was Lauren,” Jonathan said as he looked longingly into Lauren’s eyes. “We wrote down the pros and cons of telling people, and we’re deciding which is the best route.”
“A pro I have is that we can really take ownership of our relationship. Like who cares how we met? We love each other,” said Lauren.
“Oh,” said a surprised Jonathan. “Yeah, we definitely like each other a lot.”
“Wait, you don’t love me?”
“No, no that’s not what I’m saying. I love hanging out with you, Lauren!”
“You love hanging out, but you don’t love me. I get it…Anyway, here is my con. My parents want to arrange a husband for me, and honestly, they wouldn’t approve of how I met Jonathan. Or Jonathan in general. And I might not either…”
“Okay, that’s not fair. They haven’t even met me. You know what, you’re mad, and I get it.”
“Oh okay, so not only do you get to decide every restaurant we go to, but now you get to decide my feelings?”
“Let me just share mine. The biggest con to me is that people will think I’m lazy-“
“They wouldn’t be wrong,” Lauren said under her breath.
Jonathan continued. “They’d think I was too lazy to actually date, and I think the stigma has to do with how objective online dating is. I mean I’m started talking to Lauren based on a few pictures I saw, and well..”
“Well what, Jonathan?”
“Well, I mean you put your A-team of pictures on the app, right? Like you know how delicious the picture of fries looks at McDonald’s, but you get them and they’re all sad and soggy?”
“Oh and you’re telling me you’re actually an entrepreneur and a comedian?”
“I have so many app ideas, and I’ve done three open mics, Lauren! Lay off!”
“You know what, screw you. We’re done here.”
“Okay…Do you want to get a burrito later?”
“No, Jonathan, because the picture always looks better.”
So the jury is still out on whether or not you should tell people you and your significant other met online.
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Local man joins gym to save on soap and water
CHICAGO, IL – It’s beach season, and you know what that means: Time to hit the gym, and if there are three things that Chicago definitely has, it’s gyms, rats, and gym rats. With the surplus of gyms around the city, there are ample opportunities to lift weights, swim some laps, and if you’re over 65, inexplicably walk around naked for way too long.
Nate Jackson says he found the perfect gym. “The Pump It gym on Southport is the best,” Jackson explains. “It’s a Black Eyed Peas-themed gym, hence the name. They exclusively play Black Eyed Peas albums on repeat. The weight room is named the Will.i.am Weight Room, the multi-purpose room is called the Fergie Fitness Room, and then there are two empty rooms that have absolutely nothing. They pay homage to the two other guys in the group.” A deep Google search 76 pages in suggests their names are apl.de.ap and Taboo.
“But the best thing about Pump It is that it’s open 24/7 and has showers too!” What are seemingly standard commodities for gyms are especially important for Jackson. “I am pretty thrifty. I’ve been wearing those thin socks they give you in the shoe store for years, and they double as perfect winter mittens. I once rented someone’s closet where I lived for two years. It was comfortable as long as you can handle the storm of ‘out of the closet’ jokes upon moving out. And then you know how no one uses CDs anymore? Well they make perfect plates! Don’t microwave them though. I’ve made that mistake more than once.”
After getting Jackson back on track, he finally described why he likes the open hours and showers. “Oh yeah, I’m so thrifty, I’ve actually moved in,” Jackson whispered. “They haven’t realized it, but I put all of my stuff in a locker, use the showers, get a quick lift in, and ‘meditate’ on a yoga pad for 8-10 hours a night.” Jackson said it’s the perfect situation for him financially, but it does have its downsides. “One time, they found roaches, so they closed for a week to fumigate the building. Of course I stayed, and I lived in a locker for a week. Sure I inhaled a fair amount of chemicals, but I didn’t have to deal with any ‘coming out of the locker’ jokes upon leaving, because that’s just silly.”
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WOW! New 20-in-1 product transforms lives, and you won’t BELIEVE how!
PHILADELPHIA, PA – The hygienic world is abuzz today as a new product claims to increase hygiene and efficiency in your life. The 20 uses for the product include body wash, shampoo, conditioner, hand soap, shaving cream, aftershave, dishwasher detergent, toothpaste, athlete’s foot remedy, sunscreen, aloe after you get sunburn, shoe polish, contact solution, sandwich condiment, recreational drug, lighter fluid, sundae topping, antifreeze, fake blood for Halloween costumes, and a surrogate mother.
Expert doctor, Dr. Hector Munsk, describes it as, “The single…thing…to ever hit the market.” Did he use the words such as dangerous, moronic, and irresponsible? It wasn’t in the quote, so who’s to know?
The new product, called H20LY SH*T, “combines everything you’d want in a product name: Some sciencey stuff upfront and a killer pun that you can’t say in front of your grandma,” says that brains behind the product, Glen Bones, from the side of his 1987 van parked in the local Wal-Mart out of which he insists he does not live. “What more could you want from a product? It’s as valuable as water (although includes none), hence the H20 at the front, and it does everything for you, which is why it’s basically a surrogate mother. By the way, can you call my surrogate mother, Janice? She’s in jail but just call them and tell her to call me,” Bones said as he himself was being put into a squad car.
Flat World News cannot endorse H20LY SH*T because of a previous deal we made with Johnson & Johnson (they are so miffed by this product!) and not because it was created by a convicted felon, but my mantra has always been, “You can never die from trying something once.” My grandpa coined that phrase right before he died jumping on a trampoline with a pogo stick on the roof and tried to jump off and into a kiddie pool. Two days into using H20LY SH*T, and I’ve saved so much time! The only downsides are that I lost the sense of taste and general feeling in my tongue; I put it on a sandwich and the entire thing started to disintegrate through the plate, table, and floor; and it oddly started and then subsequently put out a small fire.
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Aliens boycott Earth due to alien appropriation in the media
MILKY WAY GALAXY – Seemingly since the dawn of humanity, humans have speculated about extraterrestrial life, often letting their imaginations wander as to how these life forms could look, what abilities they might have, and whether or not they would visit earth for good or for evil.
“Well, we’re really sick of it to be honest,” said Craig, a local alien from the Milky Way Galaxy. “I’ve visited Earth many times. It used to be my family’s favorite vacation spot with its beautiful landscapes, governments that double as comedy clubs, and you dumbasses were always too stupid to ever be ‘sure’ we were there, so our trips went under the radar. It was perfect, but over the years, the amount of alien appropriation in your culture is appalling and downright offensive!”
Craig then cited the following times aliens were misrepresented in the media: • E.T.: Stupid, creepy, unwanted, kidnapper, lightweight drunk • Alien: Blood-thirsty, anti-woman phallic symbols • Toy Story: Claws are cool, sure, but we’re not obsessed with them! • Star Trek: Contrary to your popular belief, we don’t have haircuts like Moe from The Three Stooges • War of the Worlds, Independence Day, Critters, The Thing, so many others: WE DON’T WANT TO DESTROY YOU! Trust us, we could, but we’re not assholes. • Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Men In Black, so many others: WE DON’T WANT TO TAKE HUMAN FORM! Trust us, there is very little attraction for us to do that, and you people are generally ugly as hell. • Star Wars: Geez, where do I start? A Muppet that can’t form a normal sentence; the most annoying thing of all time (Jar-Jar Binks); an offspring seemingly from an alien and the Yeti; a fat horny blob; and also you assholes have the audacity to think that humans would rule over us if we ever came together? • Halloween costumes: First off, the fact that you think aliens are scary is offensive, and then the sad excuses you have for “scary” costumes is doubly offensive! Big buggy eyes, big ass heads, long ass fingers. Just all wrong. • Illegal immigrants: Can you stop referring to illegal immigrants as aliens? That’s more confusing to us than it is offensive, but there is one thing you and I have in common on that issue: We also don’t want to be with you in your country. You guys smell.
Craig is leading a movement to boycott Earth indefinitely until the humans can more accurately portray alien culture. When asked if human culture is appropriated, Craig wasn’t shy about his response. “Of course we do, but we know so much about you duds that our portrayal is actually accurate. You idiots can’t even find us to know how offensive we are and thus boycott us. But guess what? It’s a win-win for us: You either blunder around and never find and visit us, or you visit us, get offended, and never want to visit us again. Oh yeah, the Yeti left earth with us, so you can stop looking. He’s pissed at you guys too.”
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College students excited for much-needed 3-month protest break
OLYMPIA, WA – It’s mid-June, and you know what that means: The sun is out, flowers are in full bloom, and the summer breeze grows quiet with the absence of college students yelling. Protest Break 2017 is off to a promising start as college students who preach freedom, equality, and individuality move back into the safe space of their parents’ homes and wallets. “Honestly, we literally deserve this break,” says Tyler Grant of Evergreen State College. “Aside from the fact that marching and protesting is physically demanding, standing up for minority rights is exhausting. I mean, yeah they’re minorities, so you’d think there aren’t a lot, but literally, there are a sh*t ton of them!” When I asked what his plans were for the protest break, he said, “Since I’m a philosophy major with a minor in ancient Aztec gender studies, I don’t actually have a job, so I’ll spend my days on Twitter scoping out new issues to protest next year! Protesting takes precedent over class, so I’ve failed a good portion of my classes. I’ll be here for at least six more years.”
When I asked Heather Modd what issues she felt were most important in her protests, she said, “You know, just resisting. Resisting hate, resisting the patriarchy, resisting capitalism, resisting your president, resisting opinions that differ from my own.” When asked if she could get more specific on any of those resistances, Modd “clapped back” by saying, “If you need an explanation, you are part of the problem.” Just then, Heather and colleagues I didn’t even realize were there started circling me slowly like a pack of wolves yelling at me that my “radical opinions” were not tolerated on campus. When I reminded them that I actually gave no opinion and that my job was to merely ask questions, they yelled at me to stop “mansplaining.” The group multiplied as if they were reproducing right in front of my eyes. Soon, dozens of college students slowly, but loudly backed me out of the side door where I met even more students who had congregated outside and somehow had already made signs and shirts calling for me to leave campus.
As I left, I turned around and asked one general question to the group: “What will you be doing over your protest break?” In unison, the group said, “Accepting everyone for who they are and what they believe, and resisting those who believe differently!” I didn’t have the heart to mansplain the definition of irony.
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ADORABLE! Recruiter proposes new offer to businesswoman in local park
CHICAGO, IL – Every girl dreams of a fairytale occupation, and for experienced hire, Lindsey Meer, it became a dream come true. “Ever since I was young, I just dreamed of being an accountant. I know, cliché,” said Meer, “but I just fell for the magic and enchantment of the whole job, and Greg has just been incredible.” Meer had been talking to campus recruiter, Greg Noller, for months leading up to their big day. “We met at a campus recruiting event, and it was an instant connection. As soon as I saw him, I thought, ‘Wow, this guy works at the job for me. I just know it.’” Meer and Noller had exchanged emails for weeks before they met again in person. “Almost instantly he told me about the company’s competitive salaries, so I knew he was interested,” Meer explained. “Then he explained the benefits package that included thirty vacation days, maternity leave, and pet insurance! I was like, ‘Greg! Buy me dinner first!’” And that is exactly what Greg did.
“I was invited in for interviews at the office, and we all went out to eat after, and of course Greg was there,” said Meer blushing in nostalgic ecstasy. “Chivalry is not dead, because he even paid! Well technically the company did, but he physically put down the card!”
Lindsey and Greg’s relationship wasn’t just smooth sailing. “I’ll never forget the day I found out,” Meer said tearfully. “Greg had proposed an offer to me, and I was ecstatic of course, but then word got around about everyone else who got offers. I had heard this woman, Kelly, got a better offer from Greg on the same day! Greg said, ‘She lives so far away though.’ Like that was supposed to help?! I didn’t care if she lived on the moon, I felt cheated! Greg explained the higher offer was for relocating, but I just didn’t trust him anymore. Men can be pigs, ya know?” Meer, with her face drenched in tears, then raised her head with a smile. “But I wasn’t going to give up on him! Greg called me saying how much he wanted me to work at the company and how I’d be such a great accountant, blah, blah, blah, and I said, ‘Greg, I know we’ve been through so much together, but what you did was dirty, and I’m going to need you to prove to me that you’ve changed.” Meer then started crying tears of joy. “That’s when we met in the park, he got down on one knee, and proposed an even better offer! No, I still make less than Kelly, but she doesn’t have free access to the gym inside the building! Of course I said yes on the spot, and I’ve just been living the accounting fairytale ever since! Thank you, Greg, for being the handsome recruiter I only thought existed in fairytales and Disney movies!”
Upon reaching out to Kelly for a comment, she was unable to answer, because she was headed to an ultrasound. She and Greg are expecting later this year.
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NEW STAT: 87% of Facebook Live videos is amateur footage of people inside planes waiting for something dramatic to happen
CHICAGO, IL – Who needs to go to Vegas when you can hit the jackpot on any commercial airline? All you need to do is complain about anything that is inconveniencing you at the moment. Is the circular fan above your seat too cold? Too warm? Too circular? Are you afraid of heights and want to pin that on the airline? Is the passive aggression from the guy next to you who put on his headphones to avoid conversation triggering you to feel victimized? After yelling at the flight attendants about your issue, you put the airline in a tricky situation while putting yourself in a very lucrative one. The airline has two choices: Follow the old adage of the customer is always right and heed your every need no matter how ridiculous so you get what you want, or they don’t to which you respond with a viral video and campaign about mistreatment and settle with the airline outside of court. Win-win!
“I was able to redo my flooring in my whole house thanks to Delta putting way too much ice in my drink,” says Joann Gleaver of Indianapolis. “I was irate, and instantly saw dozens of camera phones pointed in my direction. I knew the staff needed to heed my demands.”
Dr. Hector Munsk, a leading doctor in the field of sociology, remarked that recording airplane drama has been trending upward exponentially this year. “We now estimate that over 87% of Facebook Live videos is actually just people on airplanes waiting for drama to unfold,” he said. “While some people are lucky and monetarily gain from these recordings by settling out of court, more times than not, there is no drama and people are just posting videos of passengers boarding a plane.”
“I like to think of myself as a vigilante for people’s rights,” says Mitch Mullens of Seattle, who says he records the duration of every one of his flights. “But mostly, I am waiting to be discovered as a documentary filmmaker. I take flights not because I need to go somewhere. I take flights to record and capture. I’ve been told it’s incredibly invasive and annoying, but one of these times, I am going to make it big when something dramatic happens and a local news station wants to use my video!”
“I’m actually starting a new job on a private jet next week,” says Bridget Collins, a Southwest flight attendant of 23 years. “Wealthy people who have private jets are generally high-maintenance and rude, but no one compares to commercial flight folks these days. They are animals.”
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Noisy upstairs ghosts won’t be quiet
BOSTON, MA – A city rich with history, Boston has been home to generations of people who add onto that history on a daily basis. However, with hundreds of years of history comes hundreds of years of spirits that haunt the historic city, and 86-year old Gretta Merchant has had it up to here with them.
“I’m a retired schoolteacher,” Merchant said. “After 40 years as a high school teacher, I retired with my late husband, Marv, and I’ve lived in this apartment for 20 years. You know who else doesn’t work during the day? Ghosts! They’re just so noisy! Even though their bodies are at eternal rest, the spirits never sleep!”
Merchant said she noticed the problem right away. “Our first neighbors were a few women who were burned at the stake in Salem for alleged witchcraft back in the 1600s. How do I know all of that? Because they won’t stop complaining about it! ‘I play peek-a-boo one time with the master’s child and he thinks I can actually disappear,’ and, ‘I was burned because I walked in on a Quaker with another man, and he framed me. His bed was the only thing quaking,’ and, ‘I once showed my ankle out in public, and I was given the choice to be the town whore or be burned at the stake.’ All their complaining every day is too much!” Despite being falsely framed as witches, Merchant said the witch ghosts are quick to judge others. “They finally left because they thought I was a witch. I sat down and watched, ‘the demon square where people are trapped in the picture.’ Oh, and they thought my 14-year old granddaughter was a spinster, because she wasn’t pregnant yet.”
Unfortunately, the nightmare ghost neighbors continued to move in. “Our next neighbors were a group of redcoats who couldn’t stop grumbling about how great the Mother Nation is. They also couldn’t stop complaining about how they got killed by the revolutionaries. ‘Tar and feathering is all fun and games until the tar blocks up your nose and mouth and you stop breathing,’ and, ‘I was at what I thought was going to be a really fun party where we drank tea. Technically, I did drink tea, but it was after it had mixed with ocean water, I had already drowned,’ and, ‘I was sleeping with John Adams’ wife, so I actually don’t blame him for killing me.’ All day long they would swap these stories! I got rid of them by blasting John Oliver. Ironically, they were annoyed by how much the Brit complained.”
Merchant’s current ghost resident, though, has been the toughest to rid. “It’s my late husband, Marv!” she said. “I knew it was him, because he makes this distinct old man sound where he is constantly in a state of clearing his throat. I went up there and said, ‘Marv, just come down to our apartment!’ but instead I walked in on him and one of the witches getting their spirits intertwined! I said, ‘Go to hell, Marv,’ and then it hit me: I am his hell. So now I blast Lifetime, MSNBC, and Ellen DeGeneres to drive him crazy. I hope he actually stays and suffers.”
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