fivefoottallramblings

[fivefoottallramblings]

Where are you from?

This question has always been hard for me to answer. I remember going to New York in January 2020 just before the whole world shut down. It was cold and not a lot of tourist were there in the winter. Tour guides and waiters and bar tenders would ask me where I’m from. Then I have to choose if I wanted to give the long or short answer. 

Short answer would be, “Oh. I’m visiting from UAE.” and that would be the end of it. The long answer would be, “ Well, I’m from the Philippines but also lived in UAE but at the moment I am based in the Philippines while the rest of my family is in UAE. Before coming here I was on vacation in UAE and now that question has a longer answer than it should have but you asked. Have a nice day.”

I am technically classified as a Third Culture Kid (TCK). It basically means I grew up in a country where my parents aren’t originally from and so the culture I personally experience is my parents’ culture and that of the place I grew up in. In short, the culture I was accustomed to is a mixture of the Filipino culture and Arabic culture. To which now I reflect on are completely different from each other. 

Because of this, there are things I cannot relate to about a Filipino childhood. I would not understand the games they played, the school system, the “normal” Filipino culture. To this day and being based in the Philippines, when I get asked where I am from I still have to choose between the short and long answer. The short answer would be, “Oh, we come from ***** Province.” And the long answer would be, “ I was born in UAE but I am a Filipino. No, I am not an Emirati (as much as I would love that). Yes, I know I speak fluent Tagalog. No, I do not speak Arabic (all my life in an Arab country and still did not learn).

There is that sense of not belonging anywhere. Although I am a Filipino, I do not have a lot of people who experience my childhood and teenage years the way I did. I have a couple but not enough to gravitate or form a huge group. There are only a handful of us who quite literally was born and raised in a completely different culture. There are a few of us who understood the beauty of shawarma, warmth of chai, the safety of Corniche, and the comfort of the desert. And no matter how long and how attached I am to UAE, I will never be a citizen. As sad as that might be, I will always consider it home.

The experience I had, however, gave me, I daresay, a better grasp of the world. It let me see the world through the lenses of tolerance, understanding, and acceptance. Being a TCK meant that at a very young age I was already part of a group that didn’t look or speak the same way as me but we knew only one language: play. I played with Emirati kids, Iranian kids, Indian kids, Pakistani kids, Filipino kids, American kids, British kids, etc. We were basically an ad for United Colors of Benetton. We didn’t about the color of each others’ skins but we did care if you were cheating during hide-and-seek.

So now as an adult, it baffles me that people have their prejudices against people who don’t look like them. I am always curious about what goes on in their minds. A big part of me will always be thankful I grew up in another country so different from my own and it let me understand that there is no one country to care about but one place: the whole fucking world.

[fivefoottallramblings]

A Start

There is always noise in my head. 

Insecurities. Fear. Loneliness.

Most days I can get by without succumbing to them. But there really are times when it’s all too much. I drown. I no longer feel any steadiness. 

Wow. I didn’t really expect to write something so sad as way to introduce myself. Yet here we are. 

I won’t say what my real name is. I don’t think there is a point to it. You should know from my handle (is that what’s it’s called now?) that I am just a five foot tall person with inconsistent personality and burst of energy. I am also a law student who actually wants to be a theater actress. That story is for another post.

This quarantine year, I’ve finally decided to let my voice out. To actually speak without fear of judgment or pity. This is me, unfiltered. No holding back.