firelitleaves

[firelitleaves]

originally read as a speech during trans day of remembrance 2023. some lies were cut to protect privacy.

~*~

I have tried to write this speech multiple times. Each time I write it, something is wrong. My heart isn’t in the words, my heart is too much in the words, or there are no words that can capture how this day is discussed. My heart mourns for all those we have lost. Each name adds a weight on my shoulders. I know that I am not the only one who feels immense sorrow over this. Many of you do too. You’ve probably also struggled with finding hope for the future. On this solemn day, I want to try and offer some hope.

As I mentioned before, I work with youth in the community. There have been days where I wanted to stay in bed after watching the news. Yet, I still rise and see those kids because they help me realize how important my life is.

To these kids, they don’t see an adult who cries over every sad news story. They see a proud, trans, queer adult who is living. They see someone who was able to make it out of high school and create a career. They see someone who was able to surround themself with other trans and queer people. They see what life could be like for them. Every achievement you make, no matter how small it is, is a testament to the next generation that change, life, and healing are possible.

On days you struggle, remember this. Remind your trans friends that they matter, even to kids they will never meet. Your life, your friend’s life, are acts of defiance against a system that does not want us to live. It tries to choke us with laws and regulations, but we will grow. We are here, we always have been, and we will not stop now.

[firelitleaves]

12.

you made me cry today. happy tears came out before i could stop them. you grabbed me and held me tight, worried if you did something wrong. i promised—and still promise—they were happy tears. 

it’s only been two weeks since we started dating, but it hasn’t felt real. it’s felt like a dream. stereotypical—please, i know—but it’s the truth. i can’t believe this is happening and every moment with you felt like an out of body experience. i was watching someone else be happy and content with what they had. i wasn’t watching myself. 

my whole life has been filled with toxic relationships. i don’t think there was a point when i didn’t have one. whatever the kind of relationship—romantic, familiar, or platonic—didn’t matter. i seem to attract those people. 

i’ve never been good enough. i’ve always been lacking. or i became lackluster when i had nothing left to give of myself. when you and i part for the night, i’m reminded of how lackluster i am in your blinding light. i remember that i forget to ask how your day was or i forget to check in. i remember that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, that i’m just a meltdown away from being like my family. 

perhaps it’s not just when we part, but even when we’re together. perhaps it’s a nagging little thing, tugging at my subconscious, whispering that me—this thing i am—is wrong. that i’m bound to fuck up soon. 

but when you said compliment after compliment, i felt good. i felt overwhelmed. i felt the dreamy haze that’s surrounded my head finally lift. i was able to see us. see the you that cared for me and the reality of the situation. 

so i cried.

i still don’t believe i’m good. it’s hard to. but in that moment i did. in that moment, i felt so connected to you. i don’t know what the future holds, but in that moment i didn’t feel afraid. i felt like things could be good.

everyday i’m going to try my best to be the person you saw tonight. everyday i’m going to try to make you laugh and smile and feel cared for. thank you for seeing something good in me. thank you for holding tight, even when i cry. thank you for falling in love with me. i promise to give you the moon, the stars, the sun, the sea, and anything else you could want. 

[firelitleaves]

11.

i was asked what love looked like the other day. they stared at me and i smiled. love is not just a simple thing i can explain in one minute. love is complex and nuanced, changing and growing right before my eyes.

love is kind. love is patient. love is caring. love doesn’t care what i look like. love listens and always makes an effort to understand. love notices the little things, even ones that are mindless and insignificant to me. love makes an effort. love offers me everything they can, even though their presence alone is enough.

love loves to listen to music and drive. love is obsessed with the ocean and has rules to visit the beach. love loves dramas and comedies. love laughs like their job is to brighten the room with the sound of laughter. love is bashful.

love has blue eyes that never want to leave me. love has brown hair that frames their face beautifully. love has tattoos and one day will be covered in tattoos. 

love is learning everyday. love tries. love changes when necessary. love holds my hand as we face challenges together. 

love looks like you and all that you do. 

[firelitleaves]

10. (TW: abuse)

i don’t think i will ever have a happy family. the truth is we’ve hurt each other over and over. we’ve abused each other in an animalistic way just to keep our own heads above water. despite half of us finally getting help, we will never be a happy family. 

it’s hard to explain this to someone who’s never had to struggle with their family like us. our family system has twisted around itself like a rat king: if we pull too far apart we’ll end up killing ourselves. 

i’ve been told to leave my family. to stop caring. “you shouldn’t be taking care of everyone. you’re not their mom.” i know this. i’ve almost killed myself over it. but if i pull away, i’m afraid everything will fall. 

if i’m not there, how will the family grow? wasn’t it me who called out my parents and made them change? if i’m not there, who will take care of my younger sibling? aren’t i the only one who watches out for them? if i’m not there, who will be the perfect child? haven’t i carried my parents’ hopes and dreams for as long as i wanted to kill myself? 

i can’t leave them. not yet. i’ve been convinced that leaving them would cause ruin and destruction. it’s going to take a lot of strength and work to convince myself that it will be okay. 

don’t you know? no rat has left a rat king alive. why should i believe that we’re any different?

[firelitleaves]

9. (TW: abuse, past abuse, implied)

sometimes, in the chaos and dysfunction of my family home, there are glimpses into what a proper family should look like. my dad and our old dog napping on the couch in the middle of the day. my brother and i working to understand his math homework. my sister whispering about her new boyfriend. my mom setting the table for a family dinner. 

my stomach always churns and my head always spins at these glimpses. i wonder if this is what a healthy family looks like. no yelling, arguments, manipulation, or abuse seems to reside in our house during these moments. i can remember that my siblings are my allies in a harsh world and my parents are my confidants. 

then something happens. someone walks in and the dog barks, angering my dad. the pressure of being perfect pushes on my brother’s and i’s shoulders as we scream over his homework and how it is and isn’t so hard to understand positives and negatives (spoiler, it is hard with dyslexia but we’re not diagnosed). my mom overhears the whispers of my sister at dinner and they argue over it, proving that my sister does need to whisper about her excitement.  

the reality always sets in too quickly in the quiet moments. that those moments are just flickers. our reality is that someone is always mad at someone else. that someone is being manipulated. that someone cries themself to sleep at night. 

sometimes, i wish reality would just stay away for a day. that i could enjoy being part of a family that is my blood. that i can understand why people don’t want to move far away from their parents. 

but perhaps reality is kind. perhaps it’s good that i know the truth. if i keep believing in delusions that we might be able to love each other without fear of pain then i’ll only end up more entangled in our web of lies instead of the freedom of non-involvement. 

[firelitleaves]

8.

sometimes i have no idea who i am. it feels like i’m nobody, just a piece of gum who sticks to anything until i’m peeled off and stick to something new. 

my school took my name away. i couldn’t use it in any setting that would show people my name. i’m my deadname again. tears fall, signaling the deep defeat in my helplessness. 

my deadname is not me. i’m not her anymore. i’m me. i felt like people knew me. they knew who i was. it was my choice and everyone could see that. everyone could say that. 

now i have nothing. i have my pronouns, but no one uses them correctly. i usually just get saddled with one that doesn’t fit. i’m too scared to correct anyone. i’m too afraid to see their hateful glares. 

my name was mine. it was the one thing people couldn’t ignore. and now it’s gone. it’s completely out of my grasp and there’s nothing i can do. i want to cry and run away. i want to scream and break things. i want to crawl into a hole and never come out. 

a name is just a word people use to call you, but my name was so much more. it was me. it was me. it was me. 

[firelitleaves]

7. (TW: death mention)

i’m sitting in my friend’s passenger seat as she talks with her dad on the phone. the sun is just staring to set on one of the first warm days of spring. i feel like i can breathe for the first time without the crushing weight of depression. 

i lost someone close to me suddenly. i’ve been mourning for weeks. sometimes i feel like i’ll never get out of the dark cloud. even when i’m happily singing along to a song or celebrating a life event, my heart hurts and is heavy. 

but not now. i smile as i hear her dad’s static laugh come over the phone speaker. my body rests and my shoulders drop. 

maybe this life is worth living. maybe there will always be moments of peace in the darkness. maybe things will be okay one day. 

“which way should i go?” she whispers. 

“get in the right lane.” i whisper back. she gives me a thumbs up and moves the car into the lane. 

i relax in my seat and listen to their sweet conservation. normally, i’d be jealous of their happy relationship, but i only feel peace right now. 

yeah. i think everything will be alright. maybe not tomorrow, but it will be. one day. 

[firelitleaves]

6.

you were supposed to be kind and compassionate  you were supposed to be there unconditionally  you were supposed to be with me at every hour of my life.

you were not supposed to be a prize or a reward.  you were not supposed to cause tears to fall down my cheeks.  you were not supposed to hurt this much. 

it took us a while, but we’re finally here with each other.  you don’t look the way i thought you would, but maybe i don’t look the way you thought i would 

i’m glad you were here, even after all this time.  it hurt to wait this long, even though i still waited for you. i know you’re here to stay, even though i question that too. 

[firelitleaves]

5. (TW: past abuse, trauma)

i watched my dad stumble over my brother’s steel toed boots, cursing as he jammed his toes. My brother caught him before he could fall to the ground. My breath caught for the slightest moment and I expected him to curse and yell at my brother. Instead, he just cried out in pain. 

My shoulders dropped. I looked over at my mom and brother who were trying not to laugh. It made me smile and soon I was laughing at them laughing at him. My dad made some joke about getting rid of my brother’s boots, but it was all in jest. 

There was no panic in my mind that this would quickly slip away, nor was there the odd feeling that this happiness was strange and temporary. For once, I fully embraced the moment. I didn’t realize I had missed the off feeling until I retired to my room. 

Maybe this is what healing looks like. It isn’t long conversations about what went wrong or what we have to fix. Maybe that’ll happen one day, but for now we’ll focus on regaining trust through these small moments. Laughter will ring out from the kitchen and shoulders will ease. Hugs will not be so tense and love will come easily. 

I used to be scared. I thought this would never happen. I thought I was building myself up just to fall apart again. But when he didn’t yell at us for laughing, I knew that there was hope. 

[firelitleaves]

4. (TW: implied abuse)

every time i see someone that looks like you, my breath catches in my throat. i think they’ll storm up to me and yell, pointing out every failure i made while knowing you. 

i never claimed to be a saint. in fact, i revel over the chance to fix and learn from my mistakes. but i know you don’t see this, you’ll never see it. 

every time i’m complimented for being nice or caring, i hear your voice telling me i’m not. i feel your eyes bore into me, from some unknown vantage point. i wonder if you still whisper about me instead of telling me what i did wrong. 

i hate that i meet people that look like you. i hate their thin faces and broad shoulders. i hate the way the discuss literature or yell during a sports game. i hate when their voice sounds like yours. it puts me on high alert, and i must look crazy with the way i flinch or clutch someone’s arm for support. 

even though we haven’t talked for a while, you’re still in my mind and thoughts. i wish i could pack up all the thoughts, nice and neat, and throw them into the garbage can. i’m tired of you being here. i wonder how much longer you’ll inhabit my mind. 

psychology says the more you avoid thinking about the person, the more they pop up in your mind. should i face the stranger that looks like you head on, shoulder high or just turn the other way?

[firelitleaves]

3.

the grass beneath my feet is soft and cool, contrasting the warmth flowing through the air. my hair tousles around my face, thanks to the unhelpful breeze that surrounds me. my eyes look out past the cliff i bravely stand on. 

the grass next to me is downtrodden, left hurt by those who used to stand with me. their heavy feet dragging the world beneath them in ways so loud and unsubtle that i could not see. 

i used to have lots of people here with me, lots of people to feel the same sensory experiences i feel now.

my hands, once warmed by others, now feel incredibly cold on their own. my smile, once curated by others, now beats to its own drum. 

in the incredible loneliness, i should want to reach out and grasp for those hands that warmed me. instead, i feel happiness. i feel freedom. i feel my heart and the blood in my veins so intensely that nothing hurts. 

i feel alive again. untrodden by heavy feet and loud words. all i have is me in this moment, and i’m finally everything i need. 

[firelitleaves]

2. (tw: implied abuse)

i wish i could rub you off my skin  with brisk shower drops until the network of cells is akin  to rose-y red flower tops. 

i still feel the sins you committed  without my full participation  inside they stay in the neatly fitted  interior of mind’s war-torn nation. 

when the sleepy summer rays  tuck themselves into stars, that’s when the memory replays her painful, haunting scars. 

but when the gentle patter of the season’s warm rain  starts to create its chatter, i move on from what i haven’t gained

to the healing drops of weather unrestrained 

[firelitleaves]

1. (TW: implied abuse, drinking mention)

it seems to be a common theme that lying is evil. the truth will set you free, or something like that. i wonder if those people had to ever tell lies to survive. i’m not talking about little lies about one thing or the other. i’m talking about the difference between a knockout to your mental state and having the will to live for one more day. 

i know you hate my lies, but what choice do i have? they’re so ingrained into my survival instinct that i don’t know how to stop without dying. i see the pain in your eyes when i lie. darling, i’m not afraid of you, but i’m afraid of your actions. 

how can you tell a person that you don’t fear them, but you fear what they do without sounding like a hypocrite? how can you say you trust a person, but flinch when they get a little too loud or drink a little too much? 

if the eyes are the window to the soul, then stare into mine when i tell you i’m not afraid of you. look and see that i don’t fear you, but i fear my past. look and see that everything i do is survival based and not a malicious act or rouse. 

look at my lips as they utter out my love for you. look at how they stand strong even in the most violent of tempests. 

believe this old liar when they tell you they’re doing the best they can to survive the scars of their past. their word may mean nothing now, but, darling, it can turn to gold in your hands if you believe their truth. 

[firelitleaves]

welcome to my blog. please be advised that some content could be triggering. i will put a warning before every post (if applicable) and tag my posts according. to block any triggers, block the tag “tw [insert trigger here].” if i do not tag something triggering, please let me know. anything i think may be triggering, but i am unsure about will be tagged “tw ??” or just “tw.” if you’re struggling, please reach out and get help from someone you trust or a hotline. 

masterlist of help lines