fincheska - Tumblr blog

[fincheska]

If I live or die, I don't care anymore.

I could take it, either or.

[fincheska]

People who say having friends is overrated are just saying that cuz they can't make any friends of their own... Me... I'm people...

[fincheska]

I used to be told my feelings were valid... I don't know what to believe anymore. Am I going crazy? Am I too dramatic or emotional? Am I the one who is a piece of shit? All I ever do is try to make everyone around me happy and the moment I have an issue, I'm the fucking irrational one who overreacts to everything and everyone needs to walk on eggshells around me. I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't felt this suicidal since I was 12. I haven't felt this alone, this exhausted, this dead inside, this tiny in so long. And I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I try so hard. Maybe my best isn't good enough and I should just give up. I'm never gonna win the race so might as well throw in the towel

[fincheska]

I feel like a child again; too afraid to tell anyone how I truly feel

[fincheska]

I wish I had someone to talk to

[fincheska]

15 days without a break... Two year old twins have me wanting to pull my hair out... Husband works all the time so I often feel alone... Family all have their own lives and don't care to babysit despite none of my 7 siblings having kids. And people wonder why I'm depressed and have been drinking more and more. I feel alone. I feel isolated. I feel like I'm living groundhog Day. I feel like nobody cares because I'm a stay at home mom and my life can't possibly be that hard. But if that's true, why do I often find myself fantasizing about ending my life?

[fincheska]

Finally back in the normal bmi range! Yes, I know I'm still fat but it feels nice to know I'm no longer overweight. Never doing that again lol

[fincheska]

Fucked up my fast with some wine. Luckily it didn't make me want to eat cuz I'm too depressed!!! :D lol I have issues

[fincheska]

Failed to do a 48 hr fast and ended up having 629 calories and now I hate myself. I'm going to try and do a 45 hour fast, break it with a 300 cal meal, and then fast for another 63 hours. The only thing that seems to trip me up is whenever I have to convince my toddlers to try their dinner cuz once I take a bite of something, I tend to have other bites of things. But I'm trying to remind myself that just because I had a bite or two of food, doesn't mean I have to go off the rails. Im just so tired of being fat. I'm tired of feeling uncomfortable in my body. I want to feel light and dainty again. I want to feel perfect

[fincheska]

Didn't manage to make it to 72 hours for my fast cuz I had to convince my toddlers to eat dinner which meant eating in front of them (boooooo) which led me to have a bit of a binge (so disappointed in myself). I put on almost 2 pounds from it but that's ok cuz I'm gonna fast for the next 60 hours before my mum comes over to babysit the girls so my husband and I can have us time. But I refuse to binge even if it's my "cheat day". I want to be 120 by March 11 for the wedding I'm going to. I'm currently 149.3 lbs. I can do this

[fincheska]

Lost 6 lbs after 2 days of fasting and I'm feeling really good 😎 I haven't felt this in control of my diet since I first developed my ED 11 years ago. I've never been able to fast this long before and tbh I feel like I could keep going forever

[fincheska]

Managed to fast for 24 hours and I'm feeling good 😎 gonna try and aim for 48 but if I start to feel faint I'll have to eat cuz I can't go passing out on my twins.

[fincheska]

I know most likely no one is going to read this or even care, but fuck me I am so utterly depressed and on the brink of losing my mind

[fincheska]

Does anybody else's heart hurt on an almost daily basis either from depression or anxiety? Just curious.

[fincheska]

I used to be 103 pounds. Now Im a fat 137 and ive been stuck losing and gaining the same 5 pounds now for months. I just want my control back. I just want to feel pretty again. Ive been trying to lose weight in a healthy way with 3 meals a day but stress has got me eating. The only way im going to lose weight is by hardcore restricting I guess because I either eat nothing or everything. I suck.

[fincheska]

Anybody else hate it when their s.o. dishes up their dinner? I often feel like they dish up how much they would for themselves on my plate when I always give myself less food than I give them. But when they do dish up my food I dont have the heart to tell them it's too much and at the same instance I hate wasting food so I wind up feeling super depressed because I feel like "well frick, now I have to eat all this food" and I always wind up hating myself. Maybe I should just tell him I'm on a diet...

[fincheska]

I'm finally down to the 130s! I've lost 28.8 lbs in 2 months and 1 and a half weeks! Sure some of it was pregnancy weight (most women lose an average of 15 pounds after the first few weeks of giving birth) but I still feel pretty good about it.

SW (3 days after birth): 168 lbs

CW: 139.2 lbs